(Dec 31, 10:59pm)

Everything about tomorrow is now final.. 7:30 I get up, and then have a simple breakfast of cheese tomato sandwich and orange juice at 8..

With lots of newspapers and magazines to read.. and of-course to check the year forecasts.. You know what? I usually read all the forecasts and then choose the one which looks most promising...

And convince my mind, look this is the right one.. other ones were bogus.. human mind.. It is conditioned to respond to only palatable truths.. ha ha..

XXX

By 9 am I would have taken my bath and then do an elaborate pooja.. have got the flowers and everything already... and cleaned up the pooja space too.. No.. not got that done by maids.. Did it myself..

XXX

Then I might just go out for some miscellaneous, and absolutely unnecessary "to-buy" little things at Archies.. and then come back and deck myself up as the b'de boy..

At 1:30, I would be having lunch at Kapil's 11, with five or six friends that I have invited.. The Palson's will deliver the cake directly to the venue..

XXX

I hope to come back by 5pm... After a small nap, I will get ready again, as I have two more friends and one family coming for dinner.. hopefully at 7..

Once they are gone by 8 hopefully again, I would have time to myself.. relax,.. reflect on the day.. and unwrap the presents probably..

XXX

Oh yes, I have to change the curtains.. Too tired to do that now.. will do tomorrow morning.. after breakfast..

XXX

And too tired to wish you either.. I mean yeah I can write a Happy New Year.. but then, that's so not me.. specially when there have been an uninterrupted flow of visitors, and still on..

Will wish you when I am more free and energetic.. Till then, Goodnight !!

XXX

(Dec 31, 10:48pm)

Okay, this was the bed cover I was talking about in the day..
Have taken the maroon one.. since that's in contrast to the curtains..

Though the lemon one looks better..

(Dec 31, 1:57pm)

Whats up everybody?
Excited for New Year?

I am..

XXX

Will keep you posted.. Hadn't been blogging off late... focus now shifted on my novel, much of which is being conceptualised...

But then, your sudden popping up in great numbers on this last day of the year.. as revealed by every minute increase in pageviews, persuaded me to say "hello"...

XXX

It would have been mean to not respond... but seriously, very busy... tomorrow is my b'de too..

Attention fixed on supervising the maids, who are into cooking and arranging the house.. and oh yes, i got this lovely bedcover... it's just too glamorous...

I also bought a milky white denim, and a sky blue short shirt for tomorrow's get together.. I would team that with a grey coat which I already had..

XXX

Will wish you more elaborately for the new year later.. Don't know why.. But I always have this impulse to do things grandiosely.. and a little too near to perfectly...

But yes, without losing the element of serenity and simplicity..

XXX

(Dec 16, 6:16pm)

On this day last year, I bought my first camera.. A Sony cyber shot, with 14 mega pixels.. Strange but we never had a camera..

Muma in her last years was recluse.. Often forgetting to buy even basic home appliances, unless pressed upon.. Her focus remained on spirituality and in serving the needful..

And since I too never was drawn to gadgets, I never felt the need for a camera.. Clicking pictures was not in agenda.. I was introvert and hanged around rather infrequently..

XXX

But last year this day, I finally bought one.. I don't know if most of you have liking for doing special things on special dates.. But I have..

16th Dec is special to me.. and I thought why not spend some time at the mall, after work.. and it was then that I bought this cyber shot and got myself a sumptuous dinner later..

I am going for dinner this 16th December too.. In fact about to get ready for Kapil's 11..

XXX

Last year, around this time, I would be off to malls everyday after work.. and shop uncontrollably.. I had my tickets to Srinagar booked for 23rd..

And since it was my life's only genuine vacation, if I discount an excursion to Agra or my study trips with Mom, I was sure this had to be a memorable one..

So one day I would buy this jacket or that, the other day stoles to match.. I was very excited then, joyfully counting down my trip to the Kashmir valley..

XXX

By the way, if I had the camera while mumma were alive, I would have stolen upon so many moments forever..

XXX 

(Dec 3, 12:43pm)

Is pain more compelling than love?

Is ridicule, even a not-so-injurious one, a bigger stimuli than kindliness?

XXX

Will talk about all that and more, when I start writing the novel..

XXX

(Nov 13, 10:44pm)

It was a good Diwali with Samar and Aiman, Shanaz Aunty's 20 something kids... Among the bombs, we did classic, hydro, bullet... and some very splendorous air crackers!

Earlier in the day, the maids had cooked pulao, mutton.. malai kofta.. chana daal ka tadka.. pua and gulab jamun.. had got many other sweets from outside too!

XXX

Decorations were not grand, but not too plain either... I decked up the sitting room and the pooja with stuffs bought yesterday, from make-believe Diwali shops!

XXX

The facade is sometimes so overwhelming, nobody would know how it feels inside... except, perhaps, the Goddess!

XXX

Happy Deepawali

XXX

(Nov 4, 9:59pm)

It's been so many days now... since I disabled the gmail chat.. and the one on Facebook.. I don't make or receive any calls either...

For all your trust in people, this world remains a world full of malice, full of envy... full of unfounded desire to belittle others..

XXX

When I recreate this world in my novel, with all its conflict and animosity, will Salim's mother be able to retain her kindness?

XXX

And how did the Goddess retain her kindness when she was living in that Demon's garden?

XXX

(Oct 28, 10:29pm)

When it becomes too quiet, and hence unsettling, I turn to music... some little known but adorable track from the 90s..

Yes, good company would be more effective.. but there's no point yearning for one and feel miserable..

XXX

(Oct 14, 8:34pm)

It's 25 months today.. and I marked this much on the same fashion.. is that okay to use? fashion?

Anyway.. the garland was rather cheaply available this time.. which is strange.. Navaratri is already here.. almost..

XXX

Mom had been visiting me in dreams lately.. and these are long dreams.. like narrative stories, where I feel like having spent almost a day's life..

It happened on Thursday night and Friday night.. yesterday too.. why?

XXX

Durga Pooja is here.. and I don't have any money.. generally, we would be done with shopping by now.. since I remember things..

Actually I have money.. but considering I am on semi-leave, and there's no sight of the family pension, will it be wise to spend?

XXX

(Oct 11, 9:59pm)

It's a hollow feel.. and it is a hollow world..
or may be, to each his own!

XXX

(Oct 7, 12:57pm)

Looking forward to seeing English Vinglish.. Surprising though it is, I have never watched Sridevi on screen in the cinema hall.. I was too young when she ruled the box office...

But I do remember getting very excited whenever there was a re-run of her movies - Mr India, Nagin or Chaalbaaz - on Doordarshan! I was in primary school then..

XXX

(Oct 3, 9:22pm)

Finished writing the coal mafia story.. now need to get it published.. will check out with editors, and other people I know of in the field..

Still totally in distress over Jhalak Dikhlaja's being over! I used to wait for the weekends, Madhuri would just light up my mood.. Alas!

XXX

(Oct 2, 10:17pm)

Loved this pic of Madhuri Dixit.. "Getting ready for the party (Asha Parekh's 70th birthday celebrations) last night," she tweeted..

XXX

Meanwhile Happy Gandhi Jayanti to all of you!
I am still sad at Jhalak having finally ended..

How about you?
Similar feelings?

Dr Nene looks good too.. while Madhuri's smile is of-course phenomenal, I think he too is cheerful and smiles rather well..

XXX

(Oct 2, 12:40pm)

You may like to check this out..
I have kept this Madhuri Dixit collage open to all..

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=540897655926044&set=a.290281907654288.97986.100000174424528&type=1&theater

XXX

(Sep 30, 10:32pm)

A Glorious grand Finale of Jhalak Dikhlaja 5!
And how deserving a winner as Gurmeet Choudhary!

XXX

Well, to be more honest, till only afternoon I was rooting for Rithvik or Rashmi, the other two finalists actually..

But dunno, as the announcement was close, I suddenly got weak for Gurmeet.. And so happy that he won..

XXX

But alas, weekends will never be so happy and engaging again.. Madhuri Dixit, with her one hour of effervescent smile every Saturday and Sunday, so helped me keep away depression..

XXX

(Sep 29, 2:48pm)

Have to finish writing the coal story this weekend.. Monday I plan to send it across.. By the way, it is Jhalak Dikhlaja 5 finale today and tomorrow..

Will miss Madhuri magic on screen.. but the wait wouldn't be too long.. she is understood to begin filming her comeback movie, Gulab Gang, in another couple of weeks..

XXX

(Sep 27, 12:30pm)

I reached Dhanbad Junction at quarter past 12 on the intervening night of Sunday-Monday.. A fretting Kolkata cousin with Mr *anerjee, his friend, was waiting in the latter's car..

Such is the terror of mafias there, particularly in the night, in India's coal capital where millions of black money is siphoned off everyday, that they had brought along two six-footer body guards with them..

And interestingly the cell phones of all four buzzed without interval, as their anxious parents called up every minute to inquire they were safe!

XXX

I knew instantly what and where I was upto! The next two days were spent meeting mafias, warlords, coal brokers, who spoke after continued and diligent persuasion from our side.. and only after conditions of anonymity was guaranteed!

XXX

"There was this reporter a couple of years back.. trying to act too smart with his unsettling volley of questions.. You see that stove there? He was pushed in onto it, and his Honda cut into two halves and thrown away in the mines," said one of the brokers to an astonished audience of me, the Kol cousin, Mr *anerjee and our driver!

XXX

But he was helpful in the sense, he really gave in a lot about the whole racket, and helped us understand the logistics about how exactly this massive black money is generated everyday!

XXX

Then there was this dreaded mafia family... People refer to them with the names of their sprawling houses.. *ingh Mansion and *aghukool, the alleged hot seats of 'mafiagiri' now managed by two arch rival cousins, who, allegedly again, control the BCCL.. and hence practically the entire coal reserves of the country..

First we went to Mr *a*j*** Singh... who had agreed to meet me when one of his former henchman *icky, who now works as care taker for Mr *anerjee, assured him I would not do any selective reportage or editing to show him in bad light..

XXX

I thought he was too sober for a mafia.. and certainly too docile for a man who is understood to have (got) shot people on their heads right in social gatherings, in rallies, broad daylight public meetings, everywhere..

No sooner had I asked him the first question than a gang of around 12 men gheraoed me, and pulled up the edge of their half jackets, rather intelligently I would say, to allow me a glance of their pistols, and to suggest how any attempt at 'street smartness' would be answered..

But I believe it was the mafia, more than I, who was offended.. since he dismissed them off without delay, admonishing them in hurriedly uttered sentences, in mix of Hindi and local dialects, which I could not fully comprehend..

XXX

I had specific instructions from Mr *anerjee and *icky, that I first took him to confidence by recounting the good work his dead father (politician and India's first alleged coal kingpin)  is attributed to have done, and create a kind of Robin Hood impression for their family which they always respond to very kindly..

It worked.. he answered all my questions readily.. even the awkward ones.. and when it was time for photoshoot, he obliged me with pictures clicked from perhaps every angle, with sudden and gleeful interest of a child, eagerly changing his glasses, or his posture, or sometimes his expression which ranged from sombre arrogance to immoderately pleasing, most often characteristic of those who want to generate sudden goodwill among their peers..

XXX

At Raghukool the scene was different.. since this man also happens to be the deputy *ayor of the town.. like most *afias do when they want to seek political and social legitimacy to their practices..

He was more poised, more clever, not very casual like Mr *ingh, yet surprisingly indiscreet... He threw much light on how BCCL and its interested associates are not stopping the underground fire in Jharia, which adjoins Dhanbad, which he said was done with the design to disperse settlements and grab their lands for further mining.. and this in blatant disregard to SC which in its subsequent directives has made it obligatory on BCCL to carry out sand stowing (which effectively reduces fire) each time mining was done..

XXX

By the way what was he so bothered about? Our natural reserves being exploited or the fact that he could not be the sole ally of BCCL, which was sharing the booty with other men?

XXX

Then there were men from NGOs, social activists, MLAs, MPs, and many others who readily helped with whatever material, court documents they had in the matter... and with their quotes which, of course, added to my insight, and will be very helpful to develop the story..

XXX

Will keep you updated on this.. and will share more such experiences in future posts.. for now, I am getting late for another appointment..

XXX

(Sep 26, 9:01pm)

Back to Patna after two days of whirlwind reporting.. met mafias, alleged killers, activists, besides administrators and BCCL authorities..

Will share the experience later.. too tired to type..

XXX

(Sep 22, 11:42pm)

Mamma's death anniversary pooja went off all well today.. though what was unusual was that I had been sleeping till as late as 9:40 am..

The purohit of-course did not have the slightest idea, as I was already ready when he arrived at 10..

XXX

The maid had been arranging things since morning.. besides doing daily chores.. I do not usually do it like this.. I mean on pooja days, I like doing things myself..

But how much can I do? My body, my mind to be more honest, doesn't always support me..

XXX

I am leaving for Dhanbad tomorrow afternoon.. For some investigative reporting.. Have an appointment with a mafia on Monday evening..

But what about the novel.. It's time I seriously timed my assignments.. But first the family pension thing has to be over, for which I am here at the first place..

XXX

I'm excited about the novel, as I evolve it gradually in my mind and add more characters.. But I am in no hurry.. Writing, vocational writing, is a spiritual exercise to me..

I seek God in writing.. in mundane and extra ordinary characters, which entwine and exude, though in varying degrees, the kindliness of God..

XXX

(Sep 21, 3:05pm)

Mom's second death anniversary pooja tomorrow.. all preparations nearly done.. Will go out in the evening to buy some articles for 'daan'...

Then, there's this ticket to Dhanbad for Sunday afternoon.. I come back on Wednesday hopefully..

XXX

(Sep 19, 10:26pm)

Leaving for Dhanbad on Sunday for some reporting assignment.. should be back in three days or four..

Meanwhile Mumma's second death anniversary rites will be done on 22nd... I haven't yet prepared anything.. Purohit ji gave me the list this morning..

XXX

(Sep 18, 9:56pm)

I guess I would be treating my novel similar to those written in Victorian England.. after all mine is also set in picturesque, natural surroundings, and tells about country life..

Plus the society too, much like the 19th century Englishmen, is rigid about moral and cultural ethos and the importance of restrained sexual behaviour in general..

XXX

(Sep 15, 11:50pm)

It's raining here.. for days... best time for literature.. have 'North and South' and 'Ruth' to read.. got these Elizabeth Gaskell books delivered through flipkart..

XXX

(Sep 14, 3:34pm)

There must be something about 'hope' since it is never extinguished in the heart while you are alive..

But when it fails to exile, or at any rate make milder the grief therein, it becomes a worse torment than what it was called to battle..

XXX

Two years, 

since Mumma were gone!

XXX

(6:32pm)

Returned from the temple.. The Mahavir temple.. after offering prayers..

Had done all the daily prayers at home too.. for muma's peace.. besides, doing flowers on her DP, which I do every 14th..

XXX

(September 13, 5:00pm)

The gold and bronze covering wasn't there then.. over the barren sofa, in front of the prayer chamber, where Shahnaz Aunty lay seated..

With a bowl of sweet ordered from Shubhraj, which muma insisted she had... since Subhraj, and the sweet, both were her favourite..

XXX

Muma had responded well to the dripping all afternoon.. and could squat on the carpet, beside our neighbour, talking merrily.. She even prepared the tea herself, after I provided a kettle of warm water and other things..

13th of September (2010) it was, and I was finally happy to see her recover.. in fact I told Shahnaj Aunty, how I would be arranging the birthday party for her again, which had to be cancelled, following her illness suddenly that day..

XXX

She would have listened attentively, I am sure, and would add to the plans too, but it was time for Namaz.. and she rushed to her flat below..

The very next morning, she rushed again.. this time from her early morning classes at the college to back home.. more frantically and visibly disoriented... as she needed to see mumma one last time, and do her respects..

XXX 

(Sep 6, 10:29pm)

Mum's birthday went off quite well actually.. everything was perfect.. at least as perfect as planned.. the menu, the decos.. the pooja... the prayers.. everything..

Didn't invite any guest.. mum had been ascetic, especially in her last ten years.. though I had asked Shah**z autnty, our neighbour in the floor immediately below, to not cook dinner..

XXX

When I went to her with the food, she was so sweet as to take out a helping of the cake and feed me herself.. "Happy B'de to your Mom," she delightfully exclaimed..

XXX

I am really fatigued now.. my limbs, the legs particularly, are without any vigour.. and I am not feeling well from inside either..

Need rest.. But it's good to see so many sweet responses to my blog and facebook updates... about mum and this D-day..

Goodnight!

XXX

(Sep 6, 7:56pm)

Touch is lost,
But the feel has become warmer in distress..

Sight is dulled,
But memories rekindle a glory where no joy seems fleeting..

Sound is overpowered by chaos of this world,
But thoughts too brilliant, and too unremitting to imagine you've ever been away..

Happy Birthday, Muma..

(Sep 6, 5:22pm)

Back from Palson's.. the cake shop.. It's so yummy.. will upload the pic, once I cut it.. say at 7:30..

XXX

Why is it so depressing.. intermittent rains and a blanket of cloud.. The sun's nowhere to be seen.. I'm trying not to be sad..

XXX

Acha one thing, when will I fall in love.. I mean I am 25.. I am eligible.. I have my share of money..then?

Well, not in the next 5-6 years at least.. You see I have to write my novel.. and I want to study too.. and yes, there are many who can romance and remain devout student all at the same time.. But in my case, all important thing must get perfect attention, and hence should come one after the other..

XXX

And then.. if I fall in love, will I be able to perceive the love which is present in so many forms, in so many different people around us with their different ways and belief.. and their varied understanding of love?

XXX

I'd be too occupied with my own love to value any of it.. and that's what bothers me as a writer.. and anyway Im not too romantic or the chatty kind..

I guess the girl has to woo me, rather than I doing it on her.. Just crap it.. will upload the b'de pic.. you keep watching..

XXX

(Sep 6, 3:40pm)

Woke up in terrible illness.. though it was somewhat anticipated.. considering how I had worked yesterday..

The good part is most often in such situations, I can recover amazingly fastly by watching the body's requirements.. whether rest, or sleep, or abstaining from food.. and controlling the diet..

XXX

Undeterred, I went ahead with the plans.. the day begun with a simple breakfast of cheese-tomato sandwiches, my all time favourite sandwich, and tea..

After which, while the maid cooked pulao and chicken, and chhole.. and kheer, I took turns to deck up the house...

I changed the curtains, the cushion covers, laid the gold and bronze sofa spreads, the new table cloth.. and took out the old flowers from the vase and replaced with new bunches of rose..

XXX

I got the 'prasadam' delivered to my place, since I was not in position to travel.. I guess I told you yesterday, I had offered some pooja in mom's name.. at the Mahavir temple, near the junction..

Now had lunch and reclining.. will have to collect the cake in the evening, and get some snacks for dinner.. It's raining here..

XXX

(Sep 5, 9:11pm)

Returned from the market some one hour back... Got lots of sweets and other snack.. and now storing them in jars which I washed in the morning..

Don't think muma's absence has taught me these daily chores.. Every year on mom's b'de, I would be doing that.. since when I was very young..

XXX

On her b'de In 1993, mum, I remember, had in fact suddenly cut short her classes and rushed home panicking.. she thought I might just open the stove too, and try cooking for her..

XXX

In 2010 while I was arranging the snacks in the jars, exactly at this time, having returned from the market, she came out of her room and started tasting everything.. randomly.. hurriedly..

Much to my chagrin.. in fact I always advised her against this.. for me, everything has to be perfect..

So unless everything was arranged properly in the 'dubbas', you couldn't taste.. and you just cannot taste  like that.. you must have it properly served..

XXX

Who would have known, she'd fall ill just in few hours.. post midnight.. and in 9 days, she would be gone..

XXX

But why think of 2010.. let's think about 2009.. 5th sep.. I had arrived only in the morning.. from my college in Chennai.. 2000 km down south..

And the day was quite the same.. hectic.. arduous.. and without food..

But unlike today when I really didn't have anything to eat because the maid bunked, that time it was my reckless behaviour..

XXX

The next day, 6th Sep, was grand... we had a guest too.. an uninformed visitor, mom's batch mate's younger sister..

She agreed to have lunch with us, and on hearing about the D-day, gifted a metal fish to mom too.. which I guess, made her quite happy.. Presents, no matter how old you have grown, always make you happy..

XXX

Perhaps, it is human nature to feel elated at the show of affection.. age has no role to play here.. In fact as you grow older, you learn to value more..

XXX

Evening was wonderful too.. we had the cake.. plus select dishes from select restaurants.. one item from Rajasthan, the other from Kapil's 11..

I am usually careful at not just listing the menu, but also at deciding which one would be the best at what place..

XXX

Tomorrow I'd be doing that again.. I'll visit the temple to offer prayers.. and then get the cake and other things for dinner.. but that would be in the evening..

For lunch, I'll ask Bharati ji to prepare pulao and chicken.. and some raita.. plain one.. since dinner would be heavy..

XXX

(Sep 5, 4:49pm)

The rooms and the hall are cleaned now.. the wall hangings and mom's pictures too.. Now I'll quickly get some tea and biscuits.. Oh, didn't have anything to eat all day.. You wouldn't know how listless it feels..

Anyway, let me take a bath and then I have to rush to the temple.. the grand Mahavir temple beside the junction.. I want some pooja done on mum's name tomorrow.. but you need to book in advance..

XXX

From there I'll collect the sweets from the N.P. Centre shop, and buy some snacks too.. and since Bharatij din't come today, I'll have to pack something for dinner.. 

I guess chilli chiken from Maurya would be fine.. I can cook some rice when I'm back..

XXX

(Sep 5, 2:49pm)

Finished doing the dishes.. it was tough job.. don't think I'm talking about the regular chore.. I washed the whole range of dishes, stacked in the kitchen wardrobe.. some 80-100 pieces..

Even my kurta is drenched with water and detergent.. and my nails, solid stains in the walls of the pots have all swooped inside them..

XXX

Ok, kitchen is over.. muma's room is done.. I just did the washing too.. now what remain are sweeping and mopping the rooms and bathroom cleaning.. let me take a few minutes to rest..

XXX

(Sep 5, 1:00pm)

Now the guard tells me, the sweeper too is absent..
which means I am cleaning the washrooms also! Crazy!

XXX

Anyway, let me have some tea.. just finished cleaning mom's room..

I know, if somebody else were at my place he would have left it all for tomorrow.. but I am impatient.. and I don't like keeping things for the last minute..

It's mom's b'de tomorrow.. everything should be perfect by night itself!

XXX

(Sep 5, 12:03pm)

Don't tell me.. The maid didn't come.. I had told her specifically, today I would need an elaborate cleaning-up of the house, since it's mom's b'de tomorrow.. and she doesn't turn up!

Now I have to do sweeping, mopping, I have to clean the kitchen, I have to clean the window panes.. wash all the table tops, mats, change the curtains.. and Oh my God, what would I eat?

XXX

And unless I finish all that by evening, where would be the time for rest of the marketing?

XXX

(Sep 4, 8:27pm)

Just returned from Patna Market.. the same olden day place, where mum would take us to shop.. and where her father would take her when she were young..

Before its charm was overshadowed in the razzmatazz of city malls coming up!

XXX

Got a dining table cloth, fridge top, flowers and vases, a set of dining wares, and some other miscellaneous item..

It's mom's birthday on the 6th.. Have already ordered the cake, a chocolate truffle, and different sweets..

XXX

(Sep 4, 4:56pm)

On this day in 2010, mom and I had gone out for shopping... It was her birthday on 6th, and there were little things we wanted to buy..

Little, unplanned things, which you do not really need.. but which catches your attention on a lazy evening like this, when you are roaming around in the company of your loved one.. 

And when these little things, one item from this shop, another from that, rise above their trifle value and become the most important of all..

XXX

Why do we curse fate for not giving us any hint of a grim future? For not allowing us to prepare?

Do you not think it actually gives us the chance to enjoy, to be carefree and add meaning to the present, even though if it were to last only temporarily?

XXX

If I were to know, mom would die exactly 10 days from then, then forth of September wouldn't be so happy.. it would be an overwrought day, marred in foolish resistance to the future which seldom relents..

XXX

(Sep 2, 9:49pm)

Anonymous 99.. where are you... 

(Aug 29, 2:53pm)

My Kashmiri brother... he downloaded the vintage pic I had posted here, over this blog, and published it on *ah**d's wall.. Very jubilantly, it seems..

Since he gave a caption too.. a cheeky one... and judging by the reactions it arouse, I think everything was upbeat..

XXX

Except that he had cropped me out...
Anyway..

XXX

Do I love mom anymore?

Did mom love me actually?

Is love sufficient.... in a vile world, where the vilest are more likely to set rules.. rules which have little regard or affinity for love?

XXX

Muma was great person.. she attained detachment to worldly pleasure with her spiritual pursuit.. a kind of control over the mind, where the quest for monetary worth becomes impertinent..

XXX

But the point is, she attained such "nirvana", if we call it, I didn't..

If I were at her place, I would secure my son's future, before giving away to others.. It would make me mundane surely.. but I would choose to be a selfish parent rather than a selfless person..

I would finish my retirement paper works, and see there is enough I bequeath in my absence..so that my son is not spared..

XXX

Particularly, when I am 41 years older to my son, in feeble health, and likely to pass away while he is still young...and alone in a world, which is, to repeat, vile.. and tailored in a way that only the vilest prosper..

XXX

My Kashmiri brother cropped me out... I am told, by a very dear person, that this was not intended..

But then.. An injury, no matter from where or what context it is sourced from, and whether or not it contains "will" of the offender, hurts you.. Especially when it comes from people you thought are more likely to safeguard you against injury rather than produce it..

XXX

(Aug 26, 11:15pm)

Remembering Kashmir today.. and feeling nostalgic.. the one wearing triple caps is the Kashmiri friend, and the one below him is *ahe*d..

That was the first time I had seen the snow..
Christmas day, last year!

XXX

(Aug 23, 11:43pm)

Now don't you suppose 'North and South' by Elizabeth Gaskell is one brilliant novel?

I watched the BBC adaptation in 2009, and have been raving since... the lead pair of Miss Hale and Mr Thrompton is just so beautifully crafted!

But when I read the book, which I haven't except for few beginning pages, I feel it's an eloquent writing too!

XXX

(Aug 18, 7:22pm)

Most people have been so unkind to me, including the ones the Gods ordained to be my "own", and in fact including the Gods themselves, that my idea of who is good has, gradually but distinctly, shrinked into trusting those who have been little less unkind!

XXX

In twenty five years has there been one who has loved me persistently? Stood by me and supported me, without once impelled to know if there's reason or not?

XXX

Grandmom.. but she was one woman... old and feeble, and without resources... such sad truths undermining her worth in a world which is obsessed with the rich and mighty..

XXX

As a child that was insignificant.. her joyous presence in a lonely world, was one overpowering feel..

At least so overpowering as to quell any interest, to weigh her love against an imperilled future.. or foresee, that love itself becomes insufficient when you're exposed to circumstances..

XXX

What did she leave me? what security against lifetime's encounter with tyrants..

But there's no point blaming..

Had my grandfather not willed away everything to who he thought needed them more, she would, I am sure, provide me well to allow any slip from my rightful station..

XXX

But isn't this ironical?

Of the two ladies who loved me, one had the thoughts  but not the resources.. while the other, the other way round!

XXX

Blessings?
Very well, and abundantly..

and all the time!

XXX

But did you notice, blessings do not work in a vile world?

XXX

(Aug 11, 2:06pm)

Satyanarayan Pooja tomorrow... all marketing over, just need to get fresh flowers and sweets.. Bharati ji will come sharp at 6 am...

Excited!

XXX

(Aug 10, 7:59pm)

Did a comprehensive interview of Wajahat Habibullah, to be published in a leading J&K daily...!!

XXX

(Aug 9, 4:27pm)

Finished the water privatisation story.. and sent it.. Oh, it's like some mountain of a burden gone!

XXX

Sunday I have the Satya-Narayan pooja at home.. Pandit ji's given me a list of shopping, which I would do tomorrow and day after..

XXX

(Aug 7, 5:50pm)

Let me finish the Water Privatisation story today. It's big headache... pending for months..

XXX

(Aug 6, 5:37pm)

I seriously need to sort up things and be off for Del fast... can't keep out of work so long.. It's damaging... more importantly, it's boring..

Let's see.. hopefully by Dushehra..

XXX

(Aug 2, 10:57pm)

Happy Raksha Bandhan day!

XXX

Don't think I have a small world..

I have a big World..
Which is sparsely populated!

XXX

My Kashmiri sis, sent me a beautiful animated Rakhi.. My only one in many years.. God bless her!

XXX

(July 24, 8:07pm)

The date was 24th July, 2011..

And the date is 24th July, 2012!

"Goodbye.. "

XXX

Isn't this funny, of the few people I have ever opened up to or considered my family, not one has remained with me?

And I have always known this, right?
That people will love me and then leave me...

XXX

That first they will praise my writing skills, my academic skills, my time management skills, and then in complete disdain to all that they themselves said was laudable, would loathe me and count faults in me..

Then? Why did I allow myself to be responsive?

XXX

But luckily, each time these 4 or 5 people left me, the Gods ensured "they" undid their own thoughts and compassion with continued abomination..

So that I would not remember them,
or at any rate wait for them..

XXX

The Gods do little kind things... 

Since they have to remain Gods.. 

But what about bigger ones?

XXX

By the way, is "not remembering" easy? 

And what happens after you have bade goodbye?

Do all the gloom and darkness, become thing of the past really? Do all your tormentors, who you once loved in your naivety, disappear... never to come back in your sad regrets again?

XXX

(July 23, 11:16pm)

Okay, the astrologer tells me my depression is so compelling, he doubts I might secretly be having suicidal tendencies..

I didn't know how to react... I thought my pretence of a normal composure was flawless.. like it has generally been, these 22 months..

XXX

But in a way, it's good.. If it were not for the unerring conviction of this stranger, who pointed out things I thought I manged to camouflage, I wouldn't believe his craft...

XXX

"Mom was dynamic... It wouldn't suit me to act as failure.. And my ambitions.. they will never allow me be a failure.."

"Though, yes, I sometimes don't even feel like getting up till late afternoon, or do anything at all" I told him..

XXX

He's suggested me stones..
Will I by them?

Well, judging by how these have worked on a friend, I guess 20 thousands wouldn't be wasted..

XXX

On the good front, he thinks all external factors, such as mom's retirement dues would be settled without much effort..

"And your career will be always eventful.."

"Name, fame, your novels.. it's destined already..."

XXX

(July 19, 10:26pm)

Now some gossip...

Not that I never anticipated this, but it did surprise me when I realised the ACJ hate club is alive and kicking..

XXX

These are same odd bunch, my Group A mates in semester 1, who loved sullying me..

They had even managed this Delhi girl, whose first name began with the letter A, to adjust her top with practised aplomb, and then booze out in the middle of the class, "You are embarrassing me...."

XXX

Anyway, it so happened, now that I am putting as many, if not too many, FB pics as the average person does, the ACJ detractors have got charged up..

But.. one minute.. Why did they suppose I commend the pictures to their kind evaluation, at the first place??

XXX

Anyway, so one of these detractors, who is again a girl from Delhi, and interestingly whose name also begins with the letter A, went on making nasty remarks about each one of my DPs to perhaps each one of the ACJ guy she was in touch with..

XXX

Ufff... madam, madam... Why can't you sense one simple, and I am sure evidently visible fact that "I-give-you-a-damn?"

And at any rate, your calling my pictures bizarre, won't make them bizarre..

XXX

The disparaging PR continued for quite some time, before the gossip fell into a 'trusted-friend's" ears, and was communicated to me in absolute detail..

XXX

And this is what I then messaged her on FB..

"Delighted to know, that even though I consider you totally unimportant for me and do not certainly list you in my faintest of imagination, you have all the time in the world to notice, remember, and then discuss, albeit nasty things, about even my FB pictures...

Take Care Madam.. PS, the one you had a secret, hearty laugh with about me was, alas, a turncoat!

And yes, next time you want to seriously laugh over something, just look into the mirror.. your tacky, uncombed hair anyway looks just as bizarre."

XXX

(July 14, 7:26pm)

I'm on a disassociating spree.. Have already stopped talking to most people, who were close.. including Miss *K, Shah*az Aunty, even Ro*an..

Ap*rva keeps coming, but soon, I know it, I'd have found my way to avoid him!

XXX

The Kashmiri friend?

Well he himself has stopped talking, and somehow, while I do miss him, I really do not have either the patience or the vitality to sort out things!

XXX

So, it's just mom's pictures adorning the walls.. almost all the walls... in different sizes, of different eras! And my books.. And the rains.. though they come only intermittently..

XXX

It's 22 months today... And although I do a list of rituals every 14th, including adorning mom's DP with tuberose garlands and marigold flowers, it was after a long time I did these peacefully..

XXX

Though peace is distant...

XXX

By the way is peace specific, or is it only how you comprehend your own surroundings?

XXX

(July 13, 11:17am)

Already through some 120 plus pages of The Collaborator... another half to go...

The writing is touching, and  the events a mix of joyous little things, amongst country boys growing up, to macabre tales of endless killing!

XXX

But has Mirza been able to resist sentiment and let out a balanced narrative..

The answer is No...

XXX

And this is regretful for an author who has previously been a journalist..

But then can I totally blame him for this evidently selective representation of events? Won't you and I do the same in a similar circumstance?

Wouldn't the sight of wailing mothers overpower, in fact benumb, your judgement of things?

XXX

(July 12, 11:46pm)

Mom was sitting beside the sofa.. in my dreams few hours ago.. unusual it was.. since she generally doesn't show up in late afternoon naps...

Particularly when sleeping in late afternoons suggest I am too tired and lying on the bed helpless - this time on the floor beneath the orange sofa though - without any senses, conscious or intuitive to be able to weave a dream..

XXX

Some indistinct pieces of conversation it was.. besides the feeble, gracious shadow of a smile across mama's face...

Perhaps her attempt for composure as the conversation turned from unpleasant to disparaging... me levelling true, but ungenerous accusations...

XXX

"... Because she finished off eight lakh rupees in less than a year..." I can once more feel that irritable, almost a continually killing exasperation of years, as I threw the words on to a relative who patiently listened in hope of peace-making....

XXX

I told him how mom had been so unbelievably reckless with money... finshing everything off with almost a bizarre speed of a madman, a drunkard...

XXX

"A lakh went to Mr. ****'s charity who anyway do not need a patron... A couple of lakhs in buying things we never required, and which had to be dumped at Mr A***'s go-down in want of space... and perhaps another half a lakh to the hospital coming up.. or may be some trust... I am not sure."

XXX

Should I be happy that those confrontations are finally over, though not on a note I wished for, or would allow my grimmest thoughts to imagine...

XXX

Or should I moan, that at least, between the throttling cries of accusations, whined out from a heart that was becoming alarmingly insecure, that feeble shadow of a smile across mama's face, and mama herself, were there then?

XXX

(July 11, 7:48pm)

Got all the four books.
Flipkart I must tell you is a prompt service!

XXX

So, it's going to be literature, literature, and literature next couple of weeks.. plus of-course rain which is finally here to greet us!

Rain and literature, literature and rain... rain, rain.. literature and rain.... and good food... and my novel shaping up!

Gawd!

It's mood-enhancing!

XXX

Okay, i totally forgot.. many of you must be wondering whatever happened to 'him" and the rounds of talks over family pension..

Okay.. he has agreed...
He will take it in his name and pass off to us...

XXX

But by agreeing to transfer the money himself rather than formally through bank, he's made a space for himself from where he probably plans to impose muted authority on me, if not harass me..

He needs a foot... foot makes him feel present.. and alive... and in command..

Foot satisfies his ego.. or may be the complex... or pride or whatever he has allowed himself to be possessed with in these years..

XXX

His volumes of learning hasn't come handy in comprehending even core requirements of a relationship..

Had he agreed for the same willingly, with few good wishes rather than 21 months of sinful tantrum, wouldn't this remarkably transform our relationship?

But then, foot and not heart seems to him more important..

XXX

Anyway leave it... he's usurped 20 lakhs, and he'd be chipping in 24 thousands (every month).. the discourse as well as "he" end here...

XXX

Rain, rain, more rain...
and a rain of literature too!

XXX

(July 10, 1:27pm)

Just ordered a few books on Kashmir on flipcart...
Hope to have them delivered by end of week...

These include The Collaborator by Mirza Waheed, Curfewed Night by Basharat Peer, Kashmir, the Untold Story by Humra Quereshi, and, My Kashmir: Conflict and the Prospects for Enduring Peace by Wajahat Habibullah..

XXX

The choices haven't been random... I was always sure I'd be balancing my reads between fiction and non-fiction...

That's because the danger of 'self-interest' is as much imminent in civil servants writing a memoir as it is in Kashmiri Muslim writers, who might extol militants to a degree where their atrocities on Pandit men and women get only insufficient mention or may be written in a fashion that inclines the reader to believe these were sporadic, isolated incidents, not part of the larger objective...

XXX

So while the first book is a fiction by a Kashmiri Muslim, the second one is a non-fiction by his brethren around the same time..

The third book is journalist Quereshi's account of his two decades of interaction with village folk, and the fourth one is by Wajahat Habibullah, perhaps the only government servant to have referred to the Konan Poshpora victims as "genuine in their anger"....

And this at a time when the army was doing its every bit to prove the 12 hour long mass rape as ISI propaganda...

XXX

Let's see.. I have to read a lot... Mine is only a story of relationships, but since the plot is J&K, I must allow every interpretation of the conflict intrigue me, if not influence me!

XXX

(July 5, 5:10pm)

Trying to collect few credible books on Kashmir... mostly non-fictions that have some accounts on how militancy, in its peak years of 1990-95 reflected in the lives of people...

Books which have more to tell about ordinary men living in far-off pockets, than ideologues or agencies shaping policy in downtown Srinagar..

XXX

Actually, that's going to be a part of the novel... and no, it wouldn't be an analysis of issues or any attempt to pronounce judgement on either parties to the conflict..

It is very much going to be a story of deep and powerful attachment.. and the longingness for a quiet, happy life, which is common to everybody..

XXX

But in order to test this attachment between people, and in consequence their very belief in human values, a disturbing plot was needed, for which Kashmir seemed to me apt..

And not that I am using a region (J&K) to serve tool for a commercial end... I can never possibly be that mean enough..

XXX

But then.. Kashmir to me is a story of love, infallible and continuing in a situation where hatred would seem natural to even the morally upright..

XXX

And that's what my novel is about too...

XXX

(July 2, 9:02pm)

DEPRESSED AGAIN

XXX

I think this girl from Mumbai doesn't like me much these days.. But Feedjit shows she's been checking my blog even now.. why?

Is it 'interest' transformed to 'plain curiosity'?

But then, interest to curiosity is bad transition...
It shows the concern is no longer present..

XXX

And the Kashmiri friend?
Is he concerned or not concerned?

XXX

(June 24, 5:20pm)

Met 'him'.... but too tired to type now.. will share later..

XXX

(June 23, 5:35pm)

Got the stamp paper for the agreement.. Rohan and I would be visiting him tomorrow... Hopefully, one last time... and the work also gets done!

XXX

(June 22, 1:36pm)

Not going to "his" place today... Didn't get the stamp paper, in which he has to vouch once he gets muma's fam pension every month, he would transfer equivalent money to our account..

XXX

Hopefully, I'll get that tomorrow.. and would be meeting him on Sunday.. Roha* says he'd come along..

XXX

(June 21, 9:01pm)

So I called him up again.. inquiring whether he went to the uni to clear up his artificial doubts regarding the family pension thing..

He was like: "Ya you gime the copy of family pension payment order and your mom's death certificate.. I'll do that.."

XXX

Now what the hell... "Hello, you have to sign an undertaking, that once the family pension will be credited, it will be transferred to our account every month.."

XXX

He said he would do that... But can he be trusted.. Rohan says why not, he can just take it all himself and add to his already existing booty..."

And then contradicted, "Don't think he'd be so evidently treacherous.. He has to live in the same community afterall..."

XXX

We might be going to his place tomorrow... This would be practically my first time, after mama's death...

XXX

(June 21, 1:09pm)

I am not going for Ap**va's sister's wedding... No, no.. I didn't pick up any quarrel or anything..

It's just that I wouldn't be able to make bumpy seven-hour volvo ride to Ranchi.. and these days I anyway don't feel like talking to anybody..

XXX

This man... who has just become 'this man' for the last 21 months, now says he is not eligible to draw the family pension, and hence cannot pass that off to us either...

The shift from "I wouldn't help" to "I am not able to help" is due to continued persuasion from multiple quarters, who hope he would relent..

XXX

Let's see... Somebody is taking him to the university this week to dispel his "ineligibility" doubt... I hope I get mumma's family pension as soon as possible...

XXX

It's been 30 thousands of income and 50 thousands of expenditure for the last so many months.. and this can't go on forever..

Particularly now, when I don't have much to bank on, and when the uni might just take some time to clear mumma's dues..

XXX

And don't think I am depending too much on mumma in even her absence.. the truth is I was fully equipped to live comfortably had I not to look after a rented property in Patna which consumes 20 thousands every month..

And I can't let go off this house, even though I stay here not more than 30-40 days a year.. This's been my home of 13 years.. my dead mother's only memorabilia..

XXX

The only hope against this economic mess is I get the 24k fam pension every month.. which he has to withdraw in his name and then pass off..

Will he?

XXX

And don't think I'm being naive... Don't think I am counting on somebody who has actually usurped 20 lakhs of mom's money..

It's not expectation... It is just social diplomacy and hoping for it's plain rewards...

XXX

I will be calling him this evening.. Hopefully he would have gone to the university and learnt he is eligible... and willing to help..

Otherwise, there's another couple of people who would be meeting him..

XXX

(June 14, 10:07pm)

Twenty one months!

Did all the prayers and remembrances.. decorated the display pic in the hall, too!

XXX

Since yesterday, it's been very depressing.. and somehow I dont even feel like gathering my strength and brave and surmount the odds..

Don't you suppose my strength, my endurance, deserve to be put to something more meaningful? Like writing my novel.. ??

XXX

Will this man ever agree to the family pension thing? I'm 25 and I have job, so I am not eligible to the 24k pension that stands to the family in muma's absence.. but he can.. and if he so desires he can take it and then pass it off to us?

XXX

Will he ever? At least this much favour "he" can do? he wouldn't have to spend anything from pocket, and he can hand over the money to us, with which I can realise mom's unfinished dreams, like perhaps getting a flat of our own?

At least, having usurped 20 lakhs, he can pass over this government money to us..

XXX

(June 12, 9:16pm)

Will he or won't he?

XXX

But then most of you don't know the context.. and I am too tired to type.. But will surely do tomorrow!

XXX

(June 10, 11:16pm)

Okay.. I got this black kurta with silver pattern around the neck, for Ank*ta's wedding.. Will team it with cream coloured 'churidaars'..

Guess it would be the perfect night wear... understated but glamourous... the silver work is looking really chic.. and at 1000 bucks, rather cheap i'd say..

XXX

But how do I get to Ranchi... by ac volvos? but then those two friends-turned foes would be boarding the same volvo on 27th morning...

Will it be okay? Wouldn't I become the odd one-among-group-of-merry-making duo... perhaps they would be joined by more friends...

XXX

Shar***e says he would love to travel with me... and we both could ride his car.. but then he's in Mumbai, and he's holidays is not yet sanctioned... what if he fails to turn up?

And I can't go with the doctor friend... He has got some Parkinson kind problem in his hand, and Im advised not to chip in, if he's driving the car himself, which most probably, he would!

XXX

Then?

XXX

(June 10, 10:39am)

Just got the marketing done, and now having a Litchi squash.. that's my favourite... muma used to always keep litchi squash when we were young, but for last many years we had not had that.. So, it's good!

XXX

Apu*v* and his sis would be here by eleven I suppose... I'll ask the maid to cook fish.. plus some accompaniments..

XXX

Okay, so his sis gets married on 27th in Ranchi.. and I have to look good, because, first, it would be mood enhancing for me... especially when the mood is otherwise now..

And second, two of my dearest pals-turned bad anti-publicist would also be there..

XXX

I have actually got a parrot-green kurta, and I'm thinking of getting exquisite thread work done..

But is parrot green good enough.. or should I go for a chalky white, or may be carbon black?

XXX

(June 9, 10:32pm)

It's too hot here, still...

XXX

Apur** and his sis coming for lunch tomorrow.. A*k**a gets married on 27th this month, and leaves for US thereafter..

So thought of inviting them...

XXX

Between, what do I wear for A*k**a's wedding.. I want to look good.. particularly, when two of my former dearest friends-turned anti-publicists would be present too..

XXX

I need to look better than both of them, and I also need to have more company, sort of entourage, than what they would have...

XXX

Lots of planning needed, therefore..

Will do bit by bit, from tomorrow..

XXX

(June 8, 11:47pm)

My op-ed piece published in leading Jammu and Kashmir daily, Kashmir Observer.. This traces India-Pakistan's diplomacy shift-over, over Kashmir!

http://www.kashmirobserver.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=12115%3Atime-for-delhi-to-act-&catid=8%3Aopinion&Itemid=9

XXX

(June 6, 6:15pm)

Was I better off then, when in long, long playless evenings, I waited for mom to return? Even birds, which returned to their hatchlings on time always, seemed luckier to me then...

But was I lucky too, at least partially, and without realising it?? Since the wait, although it would exhaust my body, my mind, my faith in Gods, everything, at some point would be over?

And that there was somebody to wait for at least?

XXX

(June 6, 5:25pm)

I deleted the Goddess's picture last night.. from my old Orkut account... It had been there for years...

It was a momentary decision.. and somehow I don't regret it either..

XXX

(June 6, 12:51am)

When you experience them first, hatred seems to be more powerful than a feeling of brotherhood..

But after a long time has passed, stories of love and brotherhood are more fondly remembered and certainly more frequently recounted!

XXX

(June 5, 11:43pm)

After ages, I spoke to the Goddess now!

XXX

(June 5, 3:30pm)

Met the lawyer yesterday.. the new one.. I finally decided among the three or four lawyers I was considering, and zeroed on, on this son of SC bar council chairman..

Big name, and so big charges too.. paid him half of the 40,000 bucks he had asked.. Yes, that's too much for a post-retirement case, but then do I have choices?

XXX

At least, his father's name would help our case.. and hopefully I would get what's been pending for 20 months now.. !!

XXX

He says he would get me the PF and arrears of pension (Jan 2005 till muma's death in September 2010)... but is not sure whether my request for a 12 per cent interest on delay in payment of gratuity, leave encashment and other arrears would be considered!

"It's India you see, judges generally have the effrontery to say at least you got the principal," he told me!

XXX

But then given that his dad is a big shot, he can actually get a favourable verdict in even the demand of interest.. and ironically, in our case, the interest exceeds the principal..

XXX

Rohan, who accompanies me to the lawyer usually, like he did yesterday, suggested I moved in steps..

"Let's get the PF first, then we would ask him for his father's intervention in the "interest" thing!"

XXX

"Surely, his father can... and if we offer him a 10-12% share, he would I think," said Rohan..

XXX

So that's it... let's move in steps... wise people usually go about that way.. and since I'm far from wise, I guess it is wiser to follow others, than decide on my own!

XXX

(June 2, 9:29pm)

Hello Everybody, how are you?

A very interesting political report coming up..
It will be published in a leading English daily of J&K..

Stay tuned!

XXX

(May 31, 9:57pm)

Yeah... blog is suffering because of twitter.. but that's only an interlude..

Trying to build a network base of international authors at https://twitter.com/#!/AnandoBhakto

XXX

It might just help me with the novel..
not ideas, but marketing and other stuff!

XXX

Did I tell you I'm again friends with this guy... whom I unfriended on FB recently... he had to give up.. and he actually nudged to all my three demands..

XXX

One, he admitted he was to blame alone for whatever had happened.. two, he offered unconditional apologies.. and three, he sent fresh FB request, without any assurance of favourable response from my side!

XXX

So, that's good.. there's marked improvement in his behaviour too.. I know most of you would find this childish for my age and profession..

But then I have only handful of friends (by will), and for me a friend is neither a hang-out partner, nor gupshup pal, nor a handsome face for group photo-ups!

XXX

The meaning goes much deeper... and hence any thought of separation is harrowing rather than just regretful..

And then I told you I'd rather grow the child in me, than try being restrained... The more uninhibited that child is, the more generously ideas flow in for my stories!

XXX

(May 27, 8:41pm)

Hi, happy Sunday!
Joined Twitter.. finally..

The link is https://twitter.com/#!/AnandoBhakto

But, blogging will continue to remain my primary obsession!

XXX

(May 23, 10:47pm)

Why is nothing materialising? The lawyer thing, the office works, the planned "meeting up" between 'him' and family friends.. the negotiations that would follow??

XXX

Even this friend.. It's not a falling out, as he himself contended that my unfriending him is insignificant.. "We're not FB buddies, are we?" he said..

But then, it's not like those earlier times either..

XXX

Why is life wayward?

XXX

For the first time it seems either I don't have any plans..
or my plans are just insufficient..

And for somebody who has thrived on plans.. effected them against adversities.. and found a way out of these adversities through these plans, it's chaos if they do not work!

XXX

(May 21, 8:39pm)

Something ended!

XXX

(May 19, 9:38pm)

Bed ridden for the last two days, so no updates... Today is better, but no energy to type.. A heat stroke, followed by fever and intense shivering!

XXX

(May 15, 10:51am)

Forty five years of Spellbinding Grace..

Happy B'de, Madhuri Dixit!

(May 14, 11:59pm)

Twenty Months!

Twenty long months...

Very long...
and silent...
and unhappy..

Is it now too long enough,
to call it 'past'?

XXX

Is only physical presence, the present?

Is everything, including your feelings,
determined only by sight and sound and touch?

How would you call them lasting then... since sight and sound and touch, all perish... when one day the body perish..

XXX

(May 10, 8:06pm)

When marbles spin out from the jar,
is it possible you gathered them?

And why is it so important that you gathered them?

Is it attraction...
or the rule of possession?

XXX

Why can't you watch them mottle the floor in every direction...
and race into distances from where nothing can be seen?

XXX

(May 8, 9:59pm)

I thought I was the most unhappy child, when, in those many years of long, silent afternoons, I would wait for mom to return..

Standing quietly by the seventh floor window, and checking out impulsively at every car, auto, or rickshaw that snailed towards us in the road below.. hoping it would stop and muma would come out..

XXX

And when she would not, look at the vehicle disappear from view... and then the sky, which, in those many odd hours, would have changed its hue from blue to red and fiery orange, and then an envelope of dark grey...

XXX

In retrospect, I think mom intuitively prepared me to handle loneliness.. Had she been any other mother (though in so many ways she was), always available and unreasonably doting, it would be difficult to handle whatever it is now...

XXX

Between he never bothered to call back.. I think he's happy having put the blame on me rather than correct his own indifference and reach out to me..

XXX

(May 6, 8:37pm)

It's yet another day but he didn't call.. In fact last night while he was online on G-talk, I actually switched from offline to available mode, hoping he would start a chat and apologise.. surprisingly he didn't..

XXX

But what was more surprising happened today.. sometime in the afternoon, after lunch, when I once again turned visible, seeing him online..

Instead of regretting his earlier indifference or making any effort to soothe me, he dropped a curt chat which read, "You have disappointed me now. No need to talk and call me."

XXX

How can he say that?
It's just like inversing the truth upside down!

Or, was it actually me who had been rude all along?

XXX

Between, it's Buddha Poornima today, and hence 'happy birthday' time for my laptop.. I had bought this Compaq Del product on the same occasion last year, although it was not the same day in English calendar..

XXX

(May 5, 4:39pm)

He called again.. at about midnight yesterday.. but I purposely didn't take the call.. Why should I, in just two attempts?

And then there was also a gap of two days between the two attempts... I can't respond favourably to such inconsistent attempts at the first place..

XXX

He should call me at least 10-12 times.. and regularly over a few days.. And besides that, though I have unfriended him on FB, he should send a fresh request and beg with me to accept it..

XXX

Only then I can consider.. nothing less.. And yes, it is not about a fragile ego... I don't have one.. It's about sensitivity... your understanding of it and your responses to it..

XXX

(May 5, 12:16am)

Are people who build a world of happy illusions foolish?

XXX

May be they never had their share of gratifying reality, and these illusions, which realists so deride, help them keep away gloom...

Why judge them so harshly then?

XXX

(May 4, 12:10am)

He didn't call... I waited all day, but he didn't.. Not that I wasn't into other chores.. there's so much on home and work front to keep me occupied.. but then, i really was waiting..

It seems he had called just casually yesterday.. may be in order to say, engage his spare time.. anyway.. it's okay.. at the first place, it was he who was rude.. so why I feeling bad?

XXX

May be at the loss of friend.. one who counted me as brother.. but then, that invariably happens with me.. If I can't habituate to it, it's my fault..

XXX

(May 3, 12:47am)

He called me thrice today..
What does that suggest?

Has he realised his indifference and seeks forgiveness?

XXX

Can't tell... since I didn't take the calls at the first place.. I wanted to, but I didnt... thinking this would give the impression I can be easily won over..

Frankly, i don't want him to say sorry.. I respect him a lot.. He is my elder bro.. I will never make him bow down, or reduce his prestige.. All I want is, he should know i too feel hurt by his hot-headed behaviour at times..

XXX

Between, when did he realise I have unfriended him? Im asking because if he realised only today, and then frantically called up today itself, it's good indication..

It suggests my judgement may be wrong, and that his rude behaviour was probably inadvertent..That he too cares for me as a brother..

XXX

Anyway, i haven't yet decided whether and when i would take his call.. may be I will make him call 10 more times, and then take it..

I don't know..

XXX

I used to do this with mumma too.. though this is childish....

I am so happy that the Goddess has given me such a doting Kashmiri brother.. When he is around, I feel I am no more an orphan.. But wait, I have to be very strict with him.. I will not show any affection.. I will in fact hurt him.. So that he would know, how it feels!

XXX

(April 30, 1:10pm)

Is it that he doesn't know I have unfriended him.. Or is it that he doesn't even bother to react?

He said I was his brother..

XXX

Anyway..

XXX

(April 27, 1:16am)

I unfriended this person from Facebook tonight.. it was a quick decision.. There was something that I thought was unnerving, and wittingly, I didn't allow me any time to what could be perhaps a more pragmatic reaction..

In friendship, there cannot be any scope for pragmatism.. that's more suited in a profit-obsessed alliance... where business strategies and not compassion guide the show..

If there's a person who is hurting you, or belittling your importance, there's simply no friendship there..

XXX

But our hearts and our minds love illusion, and usually not recognise the obvious.. In some sense, it's called for too.. since when you recognise the obvious, the illusion is then necessarily replaced by grief and heart-ache..

XXX

I feel the same quietness tonight, which I felt many years ago when I banished this former Goddess from my life.. tore her photo, my possession of over 15 years at that time, into numerous little pieces, and blown them off from my 7th floor window..

XXX

But then, I guess this quietness, though it is more harrowing and intense, is meaningful.. there's no point carrying on something which is neither spontaneous nor genuine..

Life has, if anything, taught me to handle grief, hence I know I will overcome it.. In the last ten years, i guess there would be only 20 to max 30 days a year when mumma and i would be adequately talking.. or sharing experiences..

XXX

So, if i handled that loneliness, that inexplicable and dehumanising solitude, I can handle this one too.. If the Gods do not want me to remain accompanied, what possibly can I do?

XXX

Anyways...

XXX

It's okay..

XXX

I think I should delete this blog too... Let there be complete anonymity, if there cannot be any durable company..

XXX

And that's Sarah did too.. right? So, I guess that would be better.. anyway.. it's good actually.. the more poignant your life, the more deceptions you receive, the better writer you become.. grief is essential component of becoming a compelling writer.. so it's okay!

XXX

(April 24, 9:15pm)

When there was this other Goddess... in those ten years since grandmum died, I used to accuse her of everything, whenever there were such times..

I don't do this with this Goddess... the present one.. before whose idol, the diyas are alight now.. like every evening, since that horrid day of September 2010...

XXX

(April 24, 8:58pm)

With this, everything will wither away.. the hopes, the trust, the inspiration to not give up..

It took me one and a half years to put on the 9 kgs of weight that I lost overnight, upon muma's death... and ten years, to find again the 'content' in my face and in my eyes, that were dead when grandmum  was dead!

XXX

Im still struggling with my amnesia, and other ailments too.. which I have not discussed over here..

XXX

The song is about a pining, abandoned person, yearning deeply for love.. and by which I certainly do not mean the desire for physical intimacy..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcND7ur9gPQ

XXX

(April 24, 8:39pm)

Another day without food... the maids did not come, and I had neither the strength nor the inspiration to cook.. have got something parcelled... but will not eat.

XXX

I just feel like listening to this.. if you could understand the language, you would know why... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcND7ur9gPQ

XXX

(April 24, 1:13pm)

... and I foolishly believed I had overcome my depression...

In the last 10 years, or more recently in the last one and a half years, I had been without depression for not more than two months at a stretch..

So when this time the desperate feel didn't come back after Jan first week, I thought it was permanently over.. Sadly it is not..

XXX

(April 23, 10:07pm)

The khichri (mix of rice and lentils) got burnt.. After long, long time I was watching the Ganges flow.. and the moon, the stars, the same constellations of them..

And didn't quite wish to run to the kitchen!

XXX

(April 23, 9:50pm)

The maids are gone for some wedding... and so I didnt have any food today.. except half of a masala dosa, which I had had while out for work..

My mood is such that I didn't cook anything at all.. there were some water melon, which i thought would be enough.. but feeling very weak... and disturbed!

XXX

(April 23, 9:40pm)

Feeling very lonely..

There would be such times earlier too.. when muma and I wouldnt be talking.. these last years.. when her mindless charities and expenses would land us in trouble..

And seeing that she would neither admit it nor make any promise of not repeating it, i would stop talking..

XXX

Looking at the Ganges from behind the window panes would follow.. long ones.. I would just watch the river flow.. and look at the moon, the stars, often constellations of them..

Thinking I was the most unhappy child.. and wishing there were grandmom still around to check my mum's ways..

XXX

But now, when the long sessions of solitude are still there, but muma not there, I realise I was in better position then..

Though she would keep her locked in her room, and there wouldn't be any talking, at least her presence was there.. and so long that presence was there, hopes were there... even false hopes can sustain you miraculously, I now realise in their absense!

XXX

And as I said, this friend is acting strange and indifferent..
He cut my phone too..

XXX

(April 23, 9:19pm)

Everything seems gloomy...
and aimless..

That's reflecting in my face too... There's something strange.. when Im happy, it seems like I have put a lot of weight.. I look rounder and bright..

But when Im sad, I look just as much thin suddenly... my eyes and everything turn pale and devoid of hope.. and I cannot eat at all.. like Im not able to eat at all, the last few days..

XXX

Muma said it happens with those who are sensitive..

XXX

This friend is acting strange and indifferent..

XXX

(April 20, 9:20pm)

My Special Report on why Pakistan, despite a six-decade anti India rhetoric, can make for an important, strategic partner!

http://www.thesundayindian.com/en/story/the-smell-of-money/24/33639/

XXX

(April 19, 9:14pm)

Ok, I wouldn't tell you that I had been very busy ever since I returned, and hence couldn't blog.. you already know I blog even when Im over-worked..

So, yes.. I was disheartened.. only that this time I was not wanting to share it over here.... everybody will leave me one day? or will some people not? This bothers me such a lot!

XXX

Like this Kashmiri friend.. or these three family friends too? S**ah left me.. even though for years she had been as close to me as N***r is now...

But then I cant accuse her really.. she herself was assailed on all sides so badly.. and I guess anonymity rather than our friendship seemed to her more comfortable..

XXX

Naz** called me four times since yesterday... when suddenly everything once again turned gloomy... like the capricious waves of the sea... which can devour up everything, just when everybody thought the sea was placid...

Anon 99 says Im wasting my talent... little does he/she know that, in fact, in order that I make best use of it, I am trying to overcome all gloom...

And I think I have been reasonably successful too.. that old, unhappy look is now not so apparent on my face and in my eyes..

XXX

In fact in February, Mr K* Krishna****y, my old professor, gladly remarked on one of my FB pics.. "Good to see a different Anando... Happy and lively"...

But then, the more I fight my adversities, the more they multiply in numbers... anyway, right now Im more perturbed thinking, what if the Kashmiri friend too becomes suddenly adverse.. like Anon 99 became..

XXX

That would be disheartening... but then, by rule, he has to become adverse.. like, as I said, Anon 99 did become adverse...

XXX

Okay, something on the work front... although Im holidaying here, a very important special story, which explores possibilities of India-Pakistan ties post Zardari visit, comes out tomorrow in print...

Will upload as soon as possible..
Keep watching the space!

XXX

(April 14, 9:16am)

A very Happy Bengali New Year, to all of you!

XXX

(April 13, 8:45pm)

Reached home :D :D

XXX

(April 12, 9:43pm)

After interviewing Wajahat Habibullah, Chairman, National Commission for Minorities in India..

xxx

(April 10, 12:22pm)

Every Killing Wait gets Over!!!!

And so, here's the Queen coming back..

Madhuri Dixit signs Dedh Ishqiya.. it's Official!!

XXX

She'd be playing Shahi Begum, a village seductress who fishes men with her "adaa" and "shayari" and uses them for her evil designs!

Now that's killing exciting!

XXX

(April 9, 3:11pm)

She still reads my blog.. I wrongly believed she doesn't anymore..

And I haven't given out clues, so stop guessing!

XXX

(April 6, 8:21pm)

Don't think if I'm not blogging, it is because it has lost it's glamour for me.. work is killing, and then I have this resignation thing shaping up differently..

After I declined boss's offer of transfer to Patna on reduced pay (which was his way of not letting me go altogether), he's come up with another interesting offer..

XXX

I could be, if I so choose, either of freelancer or retainer for them.. if I choose to be the latter they would ensure rewards that "will be agreeable", plus I could do stories as I wished, without bindings!

XXX

He has called me home tomorrow again..

Meanwhile, Im leaving for home on 13th.. it's an evening flight which would get me home the same night..

XXX

14th, I guess I told you earlier, is Bengali New Year Day! Will make sure it's a good one this time..

XXX

Between, I interviewed Mehbooba Mufti (Jammu and Kashmir opposition leader) today... she was generous and willing to talk.. we talked for actually above 25 minutes.. if we also include the exchange of pleasantries!

XXX

Meanwhile, Media Watch production is in full swing.. I have to also complete two more assignments before I leave on 13th..

One an India-Pakistan story, for which I have already interviewed Mufti and Wajahat Habibullah (Chairman, Minorities Commission who has also been in important diplomatic positions).. and the other one on water privatisation.. for which Im trying my luck with Union Minister for Water Resources, Pawan Bnasal!

XXX

So the pressure is understandable, i guess!

XXX

(Mar 30, 11:39pm)

So Anon 99 is from Delhi.. thanks to Feedjit, I at least know the location now!! But then there are so many in Delhi..

XXX

But I guess Im not so obsessed with Anon now.. not because he turned critical of me.. if I were that prejudiced, I wouldn't have instinct for journalism, much less writing!

XXX

May be because (a) I have got a very good Kashmiri friend who considers me brother and with whom I share a similar bent of mind, and who hence, is unlikely to read my instinctive preoccupation with my own life, and the love, hate, insecurities, aspirations that surround it as self-obsession..

XXX

And (b) because may be, slowly but noticeably, Im turning less emotionally vocal and hence less vulnerable... Though I believe there is no 'drying-up' of sentiment within!

XXX

(Mar 28, 1:31am)

Have tried out Feedjit.. it adds to interface..and for that, I have also put up this email tool bar.. whereby you can submit ur id, and follow me over mail!

Hope you like it!

XXX

And hope you do subscribe.. that way I could stay more connected to my readers.. and yes, that's anonymous too... don't worry.. by subscribing, your identities won't be disclosed!

XXX