(Dec 27, 8:49pm)

My Happy Birthday on 1st January... and no preparation to celebrate it.. sigh.. For the first time probably!

2012 birthday was particularly great.. Had thrown a big lunch and get-together at my place..

And I myself had just returned to Patna after a week's holidaying at Srinagar a few days before my b'de on Jan 1st, 2012..

XXX

Went out for case studies for my first story... yesterday interviewed a noted academician and expert on conflict issues.. Prof Gul Wani..

The piece is about the deplorable condition of ex-militants who were lured into returning to India..

Hope it turns out well, and hope I do enough justice to a piece of such great human interest...

XXX

Oh, between... tomorrow I am meeting somebody over lunch.. ***a, the fiancee of the Kashmiri ex-brother..

She is trying her best to agree me to allowing the Kashmiri ex-brother in the lunch too.. But I'm not relenting..

XXX

(Dec 25, 11:44pm)

The Kashmiri friend, the once-upon-a-time brother I really admired and trusted, is making every effort to reinstate the friendship...

But are friendship and trust institutions? A corridor of power? That may be reinstated with the application of reinvigorated diplomacy?

XXX

Though I do not doubt his simplicity of heart and of mind..

Which is common to most Kashmiris.. having grown up in violence, but never having renounced the instinct to be kind to others!

XXX

He noticed me last Wednesday, when I was in bike with another friend, marketing arduously to furnish the house I have rented..

He immediately found out his number and tried to reach out to me... This friend, though, lied to him I was already traceless, having shifted to my place and without a mobile phone number..

That was followed by a touching, apologetic email..

After which he frantically sms-ed this another friend to get my number... and when the efforts failed, he involved his fiancee to mediate with me..

***a, who made me her brother, at the sacred Hazratbal shrine two years back.. the day after Christmas, while I was in tour here.. and was putting up in this very Kashmiri ex-brother's place!

XXX

By now, he had figured out my number, address, and the office I had joined.. which anyway is adjacent to his office...

Newspapers in Kashmir are all located in small make believe newsrooms in a quaint building nestled in the heart of Press Colony..

He knew I wouldn't possibly ignore him in the presence of my editor and colleagues, who, anyway, he is acquainted with well enough...

XXX

Taking good advantage of workplace decorum, that is obligatory on everybody anyway, he got me into handshaking him, talking to him, hugging him as I left..

Two years back, this same day, we had had a glorious Christmas together with three other friends in Gulmarg... Oh, that reminds me, I have to greet you!

Merry Christmas!

XXX

He followed me into the now dimly lighted lane..

And pressed on me to speak to his mom and dad, a loving old couple who doted on me when I had stayed with them, this time around in 2011..

I didn't..

XXX

(Dec 24, 8:42pm)

The weather is getting harsher in Srinagar...
But Kashmir is a wonderful place...

I met the eminent journalists Mr Naseer Ganaie and Mr Peerzada Ashiq today.. Ganaie had taken me over for tea in this very cosy restaurent in MS Mall, where we also met MLA Engineer Rashid..

XXX

Ganaie is such a humble and learned man.. and of cheerful disposition.. and very decently humourous... People here are so much simpler..

They don't utter the word *uck, two thousand times a day... and nobody wears dresses so short as may be rather regarded invitation for promiscuity...

I love the place, consequently... one day, freedom and civilisation, and the false allure for glamour and liberty-without restraint will corrupt it all!

XXX

You have to be in Kashmir, to understand that simplicity too have glamour... that modesty is indeed comforting...

And that a kindly disposition and an affable smile, will always be above the razzmatazz that consumerism has made you able to afford today!

XXX

(Dec 24: 12:05am)

This is a re-post from December 23, 2011, 6:36 pm..

XXX

It was December 23, 1992..I was young...very young..
but, the memories are clear like marbles..

Since the Gods knew our days were numbered, they had given me sharp memory. They needed to prove they were kind.

XXX

The Babri had just been pulled down, and anticipating the riots, we had left our sprawling cottage-house in Sultanganj, and moved to this place where Muslim population was thin..

Grandmum had tough time convincing mumma, who was above such things.. For her, the blood was red in every vein... interestingly, even the day we "fled" the place, she had summoned her Muslim driver and other guys for escort!

XXX

I despised the house...but since it offered me a view of the main road, from where i could keep a watch for mumma to return, i had agreed to it as periodic arrangement..

XXX

So, there i stood in that terrace that afternoon, under the radiant sun... my thoughts wandering as i looked aimlessly at the street below.."Look its almost four now, she said she'd come by 2," I told my brother annoyingly.. we had already played the ludo many times, and there was nothing new to do now.. 

XXX

Every year, after our schools had closed for winters on December 3rd or 4th, we waited desperately for 23rd to arrive..Mumma's last working day!

And with bro's b'de the next day, she'd hurriedly come back from college, dress us up, get us a brunch, and we'd be off for shopping...we bought the jackets, we bought the shoes..pairs of denims, santa caps, wind-cheaters..gloves and mufflers to match..story books, toys..the cake, the meat-balls...the list would be endless, because mumma, before she'd come to pick us up, would have encashed whatever was left in her bank that day..

XXX

23rd December 1992. 
Bro still was waiting for mumma.

XXX

But, I was waiting for the culprit.

XXX

Light slowly began to fade, and darkness and despair set in like unsought guests..i was more and more sure she had failed us.. Yeah, she'd turn up, but without the money.,

Grannie had told me about our crisis only the previous day..how Mumma had first squandered everything, her arrears, her deposits, her NSCs...then indulged in relentless charity..and this magnanimity as if so intoxicating, she hadnt even bothered to draw her salary between..

XXX

So unless it was by a repertoire of magic, we wouldnt have any money for the year end (Her salary would come only on Jan 2nd, when the university reopened)..

Fingers crossed, we waited. 
We prayed. 
We implored upon the Gods to be kinder..
Else bro's birthday would be wasted. 
Christmas too. 
And my b'de, that fell on new year.

XXX

But she would not turn up. "Why is she taking so late. Is her salary credited. Why did she have to go looking for it the last day. why dint she draw it three months? And why did she spend all her money away?" I asked irritatingly.

"May be it's credited," bro suggested, not willing to give up.

"In that case she'd have come already."

"May be she is shopping," he tried to reason.

"Without us? No way." I dismissed.

XXX

And then with careless abandon to how it might upset him, I asked him again, "Will she come?"

"Not again," he stooped me midway.

"Will she..."

"Will she what," this time he didnt beat around the bush, "She is not dead. Nobody dies just suddenly. But if you believe she has, do it all to the Goddess, please."

XXX

He left.

XXX

I felt better. His outburst had somehow convinced me mom was not dead. So i was back the tyrant again. Awaiting the culprit.

XXX

It was a long wait.
The sun God bade me goodbye, and the moon came to befriend.

XXX

XXX

XXX

From the crossing, she appeared.. With grace in her walk, and a smile to beam...and with a kind of lovingness that in one second undid all the wrongs that i had been all this while listing.. 

XXX

Who'd say she had been so long into the 40s...
Except perhaps the laugh lines.
But, that appeared only when she laughed heartily.

XXX

I had warned her against that.

XXX

She was wearing the pure-silk saree.
It was finest silk. Grannie's testimony to mumma's indulgence.

XXX

The story goes that in the late 1960s, decent pure silks were available for Rs 120. The classy ones for 200. But if you wanted the bride-hunters do talking, you wore a 300..to upset would-be brides, a 350...and to left men gasping, a 500.

And upon such times, i am told, mumma had bought this sari for 900.
Even professors were paid 800 then, aunts had added.

XXX

To be continued....

XXX

(Dec 16, 2:07pm)

In Srinagar.. Would be here around for a month.. Unless, of-course, the weather and the piercing winds do not force me out...

It's really, really cold, and guess what? They are telling me "Sardi to bees tarikh se shuru hogi.. (winters would be here from 20th)!!!!

Now if it hasn't yet started, what am I in for once it does?

God save me!

XXX 

(Dec 13, 11:43am)

It's not nearly as cold in Delhi as I imagined..
Did you realise, X-mas and New Year is approaching?

Most of us would not.. life's become really fast...

In the good, old 1990s, after the schools were closed for winter vacation by the 6th or 7th of December, we'd be counting days for the new year!

XXX

There was no cable tv, no laptop, no other big means to keep yourself occupied.. so we'd read books, which we'd have bought from the book fair, which was usually upon the first to second week of December..

Or we'd read the special columns or write-ups about the new year season in the English dailies and weeklies..

Sometimes when we liked some article very much, we'd read it once again at leisure time.. normally the cold, long afternoons.. and share that with grandmom when we visited her...

XXX

Sometimes, there would be a good X-mas movie, which we would watch with great relish.. and after making sure that we had informed all our relatives, family friends and others, that there was a good movie on such and such day, such and such time.. so that they may not miss it..

I also remember few family friends dropping in at this time of the year.. it was meant for home-to-home socialising in those days... the schools having closed, and the boys pressing on their parents to take them out..

XXX

(Dec 7, 10:34am)

A train to catch tomorrow...

Of-course, I'm feeling uncomfortable... I hate journeys...

Even when mom would do all the packing and get someone to see me off, escort me to my berth in fact, I'd be tense..

Now, I fret more of-course... I need to not only do all the above business on own, I have to lock the house, pay the servants, arrange a care-taker.. and that is all so annoying..

XXX

(Nov 28, 11:33am)

Hi..

How have you been?

Was very busy writing an editorial... they made 19 remarks on the first draft.. and I needed to revise it meticulously... which also meant I had to do some rapid reading of a few books again..

It's for a well-known foreign policy news outlet..

I was recommended by this editor... the political editor of Egypt's largest selling English daily.. Earlier, I had interviewed him for my own research-paper..

And he thought I was quite well-informed on the Arab Spring.. so, when I showed him few of my story pitches, he immediately got the Middle-East editor of this news outlet to talk to me..

... and publish my piece..

XXX

Haven't yet totally unpacked the suitcases and travel bags... Lot of things to do... wanting to do some reporting assignment in Kashmir..

And then I also need to keep the talks rolling with the 3-4 organisations I have approached.. Actually, I had approached five or six of them, but not everybody agreed to my demand that they would allow me to join only in Jan end..

But with three of them, the talks are rather at an important stage...

Hope things turn out well..

XXX

(Nov 20, 8:18pm)

Getting to talk to a lot of friends.. here from home... spoke to my junior from Xavier's... it was such fun...

Have got the house cleaned and all... wardrobe is nearly done, too... a lot of winter wears, which I washed myself... and which was a little strainful, since we do not have a washing machine..

But then, if mum could do it for me till the very autumn of her life, why can't I myself.. importantly, I should do that to my kids, when I grow older...

There is power in examples... in good examples... and in love.. and in attachment.. when your ageing mother cares for you, and nurses you.. from the very dawn to late in the night, it's not physical stamina..

It's vigour borne out of deep emotion...

XXX

Got a call from another possible employer... the editor of a well-known magazine.. he tells me, if i wish to join them as correspondent, I must spend some time at the desk... which is not very unusual for magazines to demand..

But their desk is, then, in Cochin... Do you suppose I go back south?

And then, I can't miss covering the elections next year... that's one of the agendas..

XXX

It's cold in Patna.. but not so much as in Cardiff... Okay, let me get another cup of tea... have a great time!

XXX

(Nov 17, 3:54pm)

Missing N#$al@%...My flat mate from Cyprus.. In her absence, I don't feel like 20 anymore...

I mean while she was there, she'd always tell me I look 20...

Here, back in India and home, nobody thinks I'm 20... and fresh.. and youthful... and full of boyish energy... may be they secretly think... but then secret compliments do not comfort you..

XXX

Job hunt on... in talks with a few people... but all of that in Jan end... as I'd rather spend the winters in Kashmir...

Doing feature stories... and weaving the novel...

XXX

(Nov 14, 10:27am)

More reasonably, I think it is lack of planning.. or at any rate, the indecision at present to determine which of the few plans I have, would work best.. that is making me depressed...

Besides, of-course, I'm tired by the travel... and there's this jet-lag too..

XXX

Weather too is glum... But it distresses me to think I should be weary of winters again... last winter, given that I wasn't having any mood swings, I enjoyed myself thoroughly..

Like I used to earlier.. when grandmum was alive.. and I'd be off to her place for larger part of December..

XXX

Anyway... so what I must do is decide on one plan and concentrate...

Getting back to job is important.. but I also need to think wisely on the couple of offers I have.. in fact, I have this feeling that I forego them, and visit Kashmir instead...

For doing some features and human rights reporting.. something I have been wanting to, for almost two years now..

That would also help me build the environment and premises for my future novel.. and then go to Delhi and look for fresh openings around Jan end..

That would be the best.. still better, if I could convince the HRs to delay the joining dates for the positions they are offering, or may be make some good excuse..

XXX

Also, I noticed that I do not have much snacks at home.. which may be another cause for depression.. yes, usually I keep different kinds of snacks.. nimki.. chanachur... dalmuts of different varieties... what do you call them in English..

Whenever idle, I keep chewing.. that helps avert depression... yes, seriously... don't laugh.. and I can scientifically explain..

XXX

See why does depression happen? Because you ain't content with how things are around you, and you either fret or brood..

Or may be you are sad over some unpleasant incident in the past.. which comes back to haunt you when you ain't doing anything..

But as you chew, the different snacks I mean, incessantly, you focus on that activity... if you're chewing very hot snacks, of-course you are further absorbed into that activity, because of the sensation in your tongue..

There is no time or space for brooding... that evil pastime brooding that makes you uneasy and gloomy... you chew, and you ain't depressed...

XXX

(Nov 13, 8:52pm)

Why am I suddenly depressed again? It was now a year since I last had mood swings.. I thought it was cured forever... how again?

Isn't the emerald working anymore... What do I do? Do I need to clean it with brush, and wipe out the dirt that might have accumulated by now... as somebody suggested I do, as stones stop working otherwise...

Or is it that I am too tired, and I am mistaking fatigue for distress? That cannot be.. depression is unmistakable.. at least I can't mistake something else for it..

XXX

Or is that because my latest pic on a social networking site wasn't too well-received... as I would have imagined.. or as my other snaps did...

But that is frivolous.. I ain't frivolous..

XXX

Meanwhile I am back to India...

So?

Is it just jet-lag showing up rather bitterly.. I don't know... But I am really depressed... after say 13-12 months...

XXX

Good for the blog.. when I am sad, I write more often...

XXX

(Oct 30, 8:12pm)

"Once vowed to a relationship, you can never be lonely again... Unbounded love or perhaps some unmerited, unfathomable indifference...

An ornament of faith or may be the pricking feel of deceit...

A mood-enhancing bounty or the never-to-end regret of having chosen less thoughtfully..

Some powerful consciousness absorbs you too wholly and too profoundly to allow space for a vacuum!"

- Anando Bhakto

XXX

(Oct 25, 10:39am)

The Tower Bridge pic is really appreciated.. everybody liked it and raved about it.. on FB.. thanks to Na*a*ia..

One girl said that she's happy to see me putting up more and more weight.. it makes me, she said, all the more handsome..

But Na*a*ia wants me to jog and regularly do some push ups.. she says I must shed the weight immediately.. as that wouldn't any longer make me look 20, as she thinks I currently look..

XXX

Between, when I say the pic was appreciated, don't think I'm being conceited.. I am overtly critical of me too, when my judgement and my impulses find I'm lacking somewhere...

Basically, I'm analytical, and I do not manipulate that to work it to my advantage or disadvantage.. so while you may think I'm at one point either narcissistic or diffident, I'm actually just a bias-free self critic..

XXX

(Oct 19, 9:03am)

Na*a*ia says it is only when I sport a thicker stubble that I look 24... Clean shaven, she's happy to imagine I'm 20, or at the most 22..

Don't tell I'm bragging.. I'm quoting, you see...

XXX

It was her idea that I visited Tower Bridge on my next trip to London two days back.. She asked me to wear the red pull over..

I wore the red coat, though... She even suggested the exact point, from where I could get a captivating full body shot, with the bridge making a perfect and complete background..

The pic actually turned out well... Will make it my DP on Tuesday.. Or, may be Wednesday...

XXX

Oh, yesterday was Kojagori Lakshmi Pooja...

Unlike the rest of north Indians, who celebrate Lakshmi Pooja on Deepawali, we Bengalis do it on Sharad Poornima..

That's the fifth day from Vijaya Dashami..

XXX 

(October 14, 8:10am)

N*ta*$a still is reluctant to believe I am more than 20..

"You must have faked the birth certficate in order to qualify as research scholar," she argues..

XXX

Meanwhile, Happy Bijoya Doshomi to all of you...

Burn the Ravana in you! And make merry with friends and family... Good Wishes, always!

XXX

(Oct 11, 5:29am)

High fever.. cold and caugh...eyes burning... and an annoying discomfort in the throat.. it couldn't have got worse at this critical juncture of my paper..

Meanwhile Durga Pooja miles away.... It's Saptami... !!

XXX

(Oct 6, 7:51pm)

I'm looking like a jungle boy... Stubbles have volumed the face from all sides, and the hair disheveled..

The research paper is proving more complex than I imagined... The more I interview, or collect field reports, the more it tends to meander...

Hmm....

Im looking really ugly.... But this has to be like this, till at least three more days into the week.. After which I might be able to take some break..

And shampoo... and shave... and take a bath properly..

XXX

(Sep 29, 10:37am)

I have become very good-looking and stunning these days... wherever I go, people talk about my looks and my dressing-sense...

It's precisely back to my high schooldays, when I was used to compliments...

Whether it's friends calling up after a gap, or old aunties searching for bride grooms, they surely do talking about me...

XXX

Sometimes it's annoying... I mean when friends compliment you, you obviously feel happy... that's pretty natural...

But aunties... I wonder if they had had a free hand, they would start marrying off possibly everybody...

Even boys or girls who have not yet attained puberty..

XXX

The girls sometimes leave me blushed.. I am anyway very shy and introvert... unless I am in my own circle of pals..

Na*aI*a, my flat-mate from Cyprus, keeps checking out on me... The other day she asked me how old I was.. and when she learnt 26, she was like "Oh noooooooooo.... I thought we were just around the same age..."

"Why, How old are you?"

"19... I thought you were 20..."

"Hmm, I can't help that..."

"You don't need to either... You still look just as good.. I'd continue believing you're 20.. he he he (with pretended blush)..."

XXX

(Sep 28, 7:18pm)

Very very hard times... running against time, in fact... to complete the research paper...

The body always in pain.. and tired...
The mind benumbed!

XXX

(Sep 25, 7:57am)

London trip was amazing... Clicked 58 photos with Madhuri Dixit.. And 94 more exclusively hers..

You know I had in fact taken quite a few blazers and t-shirts with me.. just in order that they had changed Dixit's ensemble, and my attire wouldn't be in contrast with her's...

XXX

And it was such a blessing.. she actually was wearing a pink, I was in red.. a fashion faux paus it would have been..

But I promptly changed to a black coat... the dark shade made her pink outfit look even more ravishing... scintillating rather...

And then, anxious that it might not work out so good in print/screen as it did in real, I again changed to a royal blue Giovanni coat, and then to another algae green pull-over...

XXX

But that has left me flummoxed rather... I am just not able to decide which one is looking the best.. which one should rightfully be the facebook DP...

Hmmmm

XXX

(Sep 14, 5:53am)

Three Years!

May the Gods and the Goddesses always grant her Peace... and since she's mom, here's praying a bit more too...

May she be always in Comfort... In Abundance... Protected, and self-sufficient enough to look after herself... In the Company of loved ones, and forever Happy!

XXX

I dreamed of her, and very unusually of grandmom too... But I'm getting late for London, have to catch a bus..

I will write about it when I come back!

XXX

(Sep 12, 10:14pm)

Ever since I had the emerald, my depressions are gone.. but I gradually realise it's done a great disservice to the blog.. I write seldom now..

Earlier I was spontaneous.. Gloom lends vigour to your writing.. it rolls in.. I think gloom does that to every other form of art..

XXX

But the laptop too is a reason... Since Jan, it's been dis-functioning half the time... and somehow that keeps me away from writing...

I do things well, when there is a flow.. a unision...

XXX

And now, strange as it may seem, I can't access the "new post" segment of my blog from university desktops.. the cursor doesn't appear when I try opening the writing segment... sad!

And after I have returned to my hostel, I am too tired to write at all..

XXX

I did a lot of shopping today... more about that tomorrow..

By the way, do you remember I have something so integral and important to tell you.. I was supposed to tell this in Jan end, but it kept delaying..

And then, in May, something even more life-changing happened... I should say life-rescuing.. 2013 has been a changing year.. luckily it is changing everything that was bad, after mama's demise..

And yes, I dreamed of mumma on 10th night...

It was something that happened after a long, long time... Or may be I have been dreaming of her only too feebly consciously, which is why I do not recollect the dreams when I wake up..

XXX

This too was in feeble consciousness, but somehow, realising that this too would be lost, I forced myself from slumber somehow, and kept recollecting and recapitulating the experience..

Even then, it;s growing more and more vague.. that moment, I remembered everything.. Now I only make myself to recall, we were seated in the dining hall.. and it must be after-supper, as we had prepared to sleep already..

In night attires... perhaps a day's break-up kind of interaction before we bade each other good night.. something we used to do always, when I was a child..

And then, things soured.. her recklessness with money beleaguered the future.. and without grandma around, I was the only one left and obliged, to convince her...

XXX

I was young and hence, immature, too impatient for the role.. I ended up countering her..

And that soured most of the things.. yes, relationships do not sour... but how we behave and relate to within a relationship surely does.. and that's a lot of change..

XXX

I will surely tell you about the January thing, and by interest, the May thing too... But first let me deal the rigours of the course...

Good night!

XXX

(Sep 4, 9:20 am)

Can there be any reasonable conclusion for my dissertation.. It requires a tracing of merits of the Brotherhood and Egypt's military..

Whether the coup advanced towards democratic transition or regressed it, and the question seems to flummox me more, the more I read or research...

Brotherhood was democratically elected.. But can electing a bunch of radicals, with no real regard for pluralism or respect for minorities, and as many reasonably suspect, with hidden agenda of establishing a caliphate in the long run, can really be democratic?

But then, overthrowing an elected regime is no good either, more abhorable when this is done by a body of army men with dismal record of power grab!

Who to support, who to abhor? Pity that Egyptians are tossed between devil and the deep sea!

XXX

(Sep 2, 7:53pm)

I am liking Cardiff... But the dissertation is taxing.. Hardly get anytime for myself... I wish I had more time to do the dissertation...

I would then be roaming around in the hills here... it's an uneven terrain.. from any one point, you can have easy view of the mountains all around..

And some sprawling parks.. filled with trees and flowers of very different variety that I have generally grown up seeing in India..

This is exactly the place I would love spending time writing.. I wouldn't have to think.. I wouldn't have to create the sync of words..

Everything would be spontaneous.. self-arriving... Oh, how I miss Wordsworth poems.. Lines written in early spring, being one of my most memorable ones...

Nobody appreciated nature better than he did.. I too have a strong, hypnotic attraction, attachment with nature.. with her "holy plans"... with her power to create positivity and make things happen..

At least I have experienced it.. and I bet, if you really commune with nature, you would experience that too...

XXX

(August 28, 2:08pm)

Talybont North, where I have put up for now in Cardiff, UK, is good... It's like what you have imagined while reading those 19th century great literary works centred around Victorian England...

Specially the country sides...

I believe the country sides of England is the best place in the world to live in... Developed... but it's scenic beauty not undone by development..

Will I ever have a farmhouse here.. Living like a recluse.. around meadows.. and mountains.. and water springs... Watching God's craftsmanship through them, and without any civilisation to barricade!

And writing...

You know na, how much i love writing.. Soon I'd be doing that too.. I have everything planned up for my novel..

Only i need to write and give blood and flesh to my characters... Salim's mother.. and the other girl, who would have at least three names!

XXX

(Aug 25: 8:40pm)

Leaving India tonight... Flight to London at 4:10 am... At uncle's place in Kudghat, Kolkata... Cousin will drive me to Dum Dum post midnight!

Will keep you updated..

XXX

(Aug 22, 6:57pm)

Leaving for Kolkata tonight..

Everything is done, only the luggage needs to be assembled.. and that is one department I really am rather bad..

When I was leaving for ACJ, mumma wanted me to do that myself.. and I couldn't stuff in half the luggage, when she decided to one more time do it for me..

XXX

In Kashmir again, while I was coming back, my friend who hosted me offered to help me seeing how clumsy I could be..

On other ocassions, I do, do it myself.. with the outcome that I end up carrying extra-large travel bags even for a two-day journey with handful of luggage..

XXX

I need to lock all the cupboards and wardrobes.. I have jumbled up all keys into a pile, there at the cabinet... Need to try it into the locks one by one, and sort ..

Which all dresses do I take?

Should I take some winter wear too?
Will it be cold there in October? In Cardiff, Wales?

XXX

(Aug 21, 5:57pm)

Hi!

Over there, in the Holy Ganges, only one boats rows.... Quite at the other end... and hence not distinguishable...

Don't you think nature often has her ways of telling things?

Through her bounties, through her curses... through standstill elements like some bed of unbending rocks, or through rhythm, like in streams falling down from mountains!

XXX

How this one boat, this simple view of one boat in a serene river, evokes penetrating thoughts..

Have you wondered, this boat could be Nature's way of telling us, 'alone is enough'?

That alone is not lost!

That alone too could sustain.. and fight... and move..
And ultimately be a doer of action!

XXX

It so happened that my visa was refused last time.. Because I had not given them any intimation about my source of money, though I had shown them I had enough money...

Sashi sir helped immensely... Mr sashi Kumar of ACJ..

And thankfully my second application was successful today... I leave for Kolkata tomorrow night... And from there to London on Monday 4:10am!

Finally!

XXX

I am excited... It is 31 years since anybody from my family (by which I mean my mom and her immediate maternal blood relatives) is going abroad...

In the 1970s and early 1980s my mom, dad, mom's siblings spent good amount of time studying abroad... Mom was in the US for couple of years..

Dad visited six countries... Even when I was very young, mom would get summer visting-lecturer offers from many universities where she had lectured earlier..

She refused them for us..

XXX

Can I refuse career for family? Can boys, can men refuse?

Probably not... A woman is gifted.. her kindness and her ability to lose things voluntarily to love her loved ones more, is unparalleled!

XXX

Oh, another boat is there.. approaching the bank where my apartment stands, from the other.. It's nearer... and hence it is making that very familiar sound..

The sound of motor mixed with the gurgling sound of the river!

XXX

Mom's balcony, with these two plants that have survived from her time, and this chaste view of the river on a breezy day like this, is the best place and times!

When I was young and mom would be very late, sometimes for work and on other times unreasonably, and when I would be very upset with the approaching darkness, I would play a game to myself..

Just to engage.. and keep off disturbing thoughts regarding mom's well-being.. Thoughts such as 'will she return?' 'Is she safe?' 'Has she left us for good to become a hermit and live in the Himalayas?'

XXX

I would choose the boat farthest at the other bank, and tell myself that mom would be home, before the boat rows in, into our bank..

That would be quite a respite.. I would have conditioned my mind that indeed by then, mom would return.. and safely.. and we would be having tea thereafter... talking..

And when that boat would do my hopes no good, I would pin in to another boat... the new 'farthest-one'.. and so on...

Before it would be too dark and all the boats would have nestled at their fixed shelters in our bank...

XXX

I would keep you updated.. Take care!

XXX

(18 July, 6:16am)

I am at mom’s balcony… the one adjoining her room, from where the Holy Ganges could be watched…. It flows out here and over the bank…  

As if some sudden merry thought prolonging the good feeling of a dream..

XXX

Have you noticed how we have conditioned our lives to not realize the good things around us?

I got up at 5am today, and it is such a sweet feeling to feel the breeze against your face and watch the river flow..

To watch clear outlines of boats starting from the bank and then disappear in the feeble light of the dawn, in which much of the river cannot be seen..

XXX

It reminds me of my school days, when mom was particular we slept early and woke up early…

Today men find peace in the virtual world within the net.. they have abandoned the happy feel of birds chirping around and waking you up from sleep, for the dull silence of late midnight!

XXX

I am leaving for Cardiff day after tomorrow.. Actually I am leaving for Kolkata on Saturday… 

Where the Das Guptas, our old family friends will host me, and see me off at Dum Dum airport on Wednesday dawn..

XXX

There are two plants here…  the only ones from mom’s little, make-believe garden to have survived… 

Sometimes I wonder I love them perhaps above everything else.. Perhaps I would keep them even if I had to let go everything else..

XXX

But I know I am past that age.. and hence I need to decide wisely… 

I need to weigh and compare things wisely and then prefer that wisdom over fleeting thoughts..

XXX

When you are a child, everything is simple… even your decisions…  You are at liberty to love unconditionally..

XXX

But then, I also feel I have never lost it.. the power to love unconditionally…

I never can!

XXX

Cardiff… then hopefully some human rights reporting in Kashmir for couple of months.. where I would also begin my debut novel…

XXX

I have to tell you a lot of things.. I am not buying time.. I am only flowing with the flow of time.. I can afford that now.. Because these are finally good times..

XXX

I love my house...I love mom..

All people do… But only that I love it with much the same intensity with which a child loves it loved ones!

XXX

(July 10, 7:46 am)

Good Morning!

Got up at 6 today.. after really long time... guess it's four years since I became an ex-early riser..

XXX

I have all my life woken up at 5 am, if not earlier.. Muma herself would wake up at 4, and do her meditations and yoga.. and then read...

She suggested it - in fact made sure - it happened the same way for the whole family...

XXX

Yes, I am going to do this again... it's refreshing.. nothing could be so mood- enhancing as to see a mix of colours spread out in the sky, birds leaving off for finding bread for new-borns..

XXX

My SBI silver visa somehow did not come.. the staff there says my application was declined.. would be making a fresh one today.. and hope it arrives while I am still here...

XXX

Met the lawyer and filed the contempt of court yesterday... They would send a legal notice to Patna University, for failing to clear muma's PF dues despite court orders...

XXX

Oh I met the astrologer too... I told him how the emerald had worked wonders; it's been ages since I was last depressed... I told him I could control my mind like never before..

Yes, I always have been strong willed.. but that was related much to me as student, me as a planner and executioner of things in the family domain, especially when there was predicament..

Emotionally, I was feeble...

XXX

He tells me there would not be any hassles when I come back from Cardiff and look for jobs again.. I asked him for any remedies, but he suggested there was absolutely no need for that..

You're destined to do well in studies, in job... it will all fall in place always..

XXX

Though he says my moon would not be strong after October, and for which he suggested me some Vedic poojas, which I plan to do when I come back..

XXX

My visa?

Still no news..

I am fretting already!

XXX

A Near Rainy Day

(July 7, 4:30pm)

Have marinated the chicken with sour curd, mustard oil, salt, turmeric, ginger paste, cumin seed paste and pinch of sugar... will cook at dusk...

Don't give me too much credit now, all the ingredients and else were prepared by the maid already.. :) :)

XXX

It's wonderful weather here.. A blanket of clouds stationed in the sky as it changes its hue from deep grey to blue, to sometimes once again trying to become colourless...

And then, as if  its attempt failing, you hear rain drops pattering everything outside!

XXX

Waiting for my Visa... and waiting to tell you a lot of tales... But why am I lazy?

Yes, I will tell you everything about my long absense... and my plans to become active on this blog again.. but it's all ordained up there..

When it ain't happening, you need to summon your patience more, and plan more, and look at ways to realise them more..

That's how I look at life.. You won't rust.. even when destiny forces you to frequent halts..

So long, you do not lose your spirit to work.. spirit to find solutions... spirit to never let circumstances determine how you see life or respond to life!

XXX

Have a Nice Day!

XXX

(June 25, 11:19pm)

Leaving for Kolkata tomorrow night... have appointment for Visa application on 28th.. would be staying with Omkar uncle and his family.. mom's best friend...

Have got a sari for his wife... since this is the first time I'd be putting up with the Das Guptas, since I had a job..

XXX

Will keep you updated.. Pound has shot up to 93... I had made all my budgets, assuming 1 Pound at 82 INR... need major re-adjustments.. sigh..

One problem goes, another crops in.. Is this life? Or are they too much in love with me? Problems..

XXX

(June 9, 1:20am)

I am back to home after one and a half months... of this, 15 were spent in Delhi and Chennai in the beginning, and then kind of exile.. which I will talk about only later..

Oh, there's so much to talk.. some good ones, some not... and some decisive ones.. but where do I begin..

And then, I feel kind of laid back when I am reminded that I am obliged to mix traces of truth within adequate sheets of discretion..

XXX

Anyway, I will certainly do that... before I leave finally for my studies... which I think I would have already, by this date, the next month..

Doing up the house, as it is nearly two months mess.. and more than that, doing up my mind.. by which I mean invigorating it.. as it was equally a mess in the mind too..

XXX

It's past 1 am, and I am still doing up the house.. today was spent on wardrobes... all the wardrobes which we have.. including some old ones...

which not only needed to be organised but also meticulously cleaned... after taking out the stacks of clothes stuffed perhaps hurriedly and with an obligation to stuff more than what the space could warrant..

XXX

You know what? I got those shawls of mom.. she had been looking for them for at least two winters.. but unsucessfully... it was in our second oldest Godrej almira, now stationed in one corner of the lobby room, which adjoins my bedroom..

Mom would have been so happy if I had got them for her then.. not that it was an issue of, "of-what-do-i-wear".. since she had no dearth of shawls..

But these were some of her favourites.. pure Kashmiri ones... and the other ones with intricate works... Don't know where did she order these from.. back then, when there were no malls, and in small places like my city, not too many good shops either.. at least not the ones, where you would find choicest Kashmiri shawls..

XXX

You know, I did an interesting amalgam.. I like amlgams, as they remind me of the great harmony and love which is present in nature... only that we seldom explore..

I have arranged all these shawls of hers in this new show-case cum wardrobe thing, which my carpenter had specially made for my bedroom.. In Feb, when I was redoing the house.. it's in front of my remodelled bed, and also works as the TV top..

I stacked all the shawls in this very elegantly made wardrobe,.. It will be a treasure trove of life long memories for me.. I can, sometimes when I feel such impulses, just open up the wardrobe and have a second's peep into mom's shawls..

I have always done that.. when I was a child, I would come running to mom in the kitchen.. for just about a second's break from play.. with the other boys outside..

XXX

Talking about the amalgam, I have taken out my own coats and blazers from this wardrobe and hung them in the old Godrej in the lobby room... It earlier used to be our main almira.. when we were younger..

Back in the 90s.. right there, where now my suits are hung, mom would use that space for her everyday wear saris..

XXX

Good night!

I will try to blog more often... just preparing my mind for that.. as the last one and a half months weren't easy... but as Roha* says, since the outcome is positive, I have no right to sulk..

My Kolkata cousin, who stood by me in good stead these six weeks, tells me the same..

But are positive outcomes, reason enough to rejoice? And can you rejoice when all the negative developments, before the final outcome cropped out, have strained you beyond your capacities to endure?

XXX

(June 1, 7:57pm)

Hi..

How are you all doing?

XXX

Okay, I wouldn't explain this time, why the long silence from my side.. Of-course, I was distraught.. and in trouble..

And, like always, under obligation to do well in my career and in studies despite these troubles.. which leaves you too exhausted to do anything creative.. and sometimes even that what soothes you..

This blog is both my creativity and my idea of calming down.. share.. and feel relieved.. but sometimes not..

XXX

Anyway.. a couple of days more may be.. and God willing, I'd be writing regularly once again..

XXX

(May 12, 5:32pm)

Distances may send them far, far away,
Death may diminish them to memories..

But there is no force so complete or gigantic that can confine a mother's love or stop it from surrounding you in distress..

Happy Mother's Day!

XXX

(May 11, 12:46am)

Okay.. you guessed it right... some very volatile situation at the personal front.. which is why not being able to blog..

One inevitable - and how I view it - desirable end to happen.. and new beginning to dawn.. God willing!

XXX

It's required for my plans, my plans as a writer, to roll in smoothly now... I need peace.. I need a final end to all blocking points.. I need to be alone, but happy..

Finances, by the grace of the Gods and Goddesses, are stable.. studies too is happening this summer.. Just had this big, power packed all-India cover story... Only one obstacle to be overcome in the home front..

XXX

Sorry.. I know it's irritating to read.. given that I am hinting, but not dealing at the issues at length..

But discretion and privacy has always been my prerogative.. Thanks for reading.. Good wishes to you all..

In expectation and in need for the same..

XXX

(May 8, 11:57am)

My all India Cover Story on coal mafiosi and coal racketeering published in May 12 issue of The Sunday Indian...

This is an in-depth field report from the country's mineral rich belt Jharia-Dhanbad in Jharkhand..

XXX

Do have a read.. http://www.thesundayindian.com/en/story/crimes-of-endearment/7/47533/

And also the box story.. http://www.thesundayindian.com/en/story/the-original-don/7/47532/

XXX

(April 22, 10:42pm)

Lots else to share about ACJ and Chennai.. But need to sleep early.. catching the 5am bus tomorrow to Pondicherry.. Good night!

XXX

(April 22, 3:33pm)

How beautiful it is to be here sitting in Lab 6.. and writing this post.. Oh ACJ... My ACJ.. Our ACJ.. it's such a rush of joy to you, when you go back to your college, after all these days..

With bags of experiences having changed you, and made you older... and then, all at once, in the vicinity of your professors, you become the playful and enthusiastic pupil again..

Wanting to do big in everything, and every way.. and aiming at the stars.. without a thought on Ur resources, or any assessment of your capabilities..The human grit and excitement weighing down all other consideration!

That's the power of college days.. and revisiting them is beyond wonderful..

XXX

Had a lovely time talking to Nalini Maam, and SKM sir... Both recognised me and treated me with the same affection, and there was the same bond developing instantly again..

And there was this nice exchange of greetings with Bindoo maam too!

XXX

Killing time in the lab... wish to have some canteen food in the evening... will they offer samosas still for 5 rupees?

In 2009, when they had charged us 5 rs a samosa, we were dumbstruck.. the many of us from smaller towns, where samosas for more than 3 rupees was unheard of..

Now four years down the line, I would be in for pleasant surprise if they get us for rupees five.. Yes, that's what people at other places charge you for samosas, but considering that ACJ charged Rs 5 in 2009, I should be prepared to cough out at least Rs 8..

XXX

Did I tell you, I clicked a snap with SKM sir?

He was a little awkward, but the girl who clicked it eventually, promised him kiddingly, that she would make him look beautiful.. ha ha..

"Fast, it's hard to pull back your stomach for long," sir remarked teasingly when I asked her to click one more.. :P

XXX

(April 21, 10:22pm)

Hi.. had a very good three days in New Delhi.. met my ACJ buddies too... lunch with V and S, followed by CCD gupshup with A and his girl friend P, who is very kind to me!

It was very nice..

XXX

Hmm, now in Chennai after a 28 hour non-stop Duronto ride.. It was the first time, I travelled in teh Duronto.. since there's none between Patna and Delhi, or Patna and Kolkata, or from Patna to Chennai, which I normally travel..

It's so so fascinating to be in Chennai.. the sprawling Chennai Central edifice in old red bricks, the cool sea-side evening wind, the un-understandable language, and the absolute thug auto drivers..

Loving it all..

XXX

Will be visiting ACJ tomorrow, where an interview is scheduled.. looking forward to meeting the professors.. Sampat Sir, Nishat Sir, nalini Ma'am, Arvind Sir..

And oh.... How can I frget him.. the man who lives literature.. and the man who inspires literature... my fav, fav SKM Sir!!

Will he remember me? I hope he does.. I will be devastated if he somehow he doesn't!

XXX

(April 17, 11:29am)

In Delhi.. to appear for the IELTS tests.. Will be travelling to two more cities, next ten days..

XXX

Sne**, Vi*** and I are meeting over lunch at 1pm.. Sarvana Bhavan.. which I guess is very close to Connaught Place.. We all wanted to taste some South Indian food, as that would make us feel like ACJ again..

Those Chennai days, when I was in college.. for the MA programme in journalism.. Strange, how you become fond of things which you once cursed and cribbed at.. the south Indian thalis, in our case!

XXX

(April 15, 9:26am)

Happy Bengali New Year 1420!

And here's my resolution - I will try to become less impatient, but remain just as impersonal!

XXX

(April 10, 10:18am)

Ye lo.. I thought I'd be preparing full time for the IELTS from today.. and the maid doesn't turn up..

Now who's gonna wash the dishes, do the house, or cook food?

XXX

(April 9, 8:27pm)

Okay I did something very silly just now... but then, that will exactly help you understand the plight I am in...

XXX

Hmm.. so despite this court verdict, the university did not make any payment at all... I waited, and then I saw my lawyer who thought a contempt proceeding will only mean no payment till the next court order..

So, may be an internal pressure group could work, or as in my case, expedite the payment process..

XXX

Thanks to my ACJ friend in HT Bihar, who I had met through Nishat sir when he dropped in to my place on my b'de last year (he was in deprivation tour of Bihar that time), the Registrar was taken to task..

So much, that he in fact went begging, "Pls do not publish anything, I assure you we'll pay withinn three days"..

(PS: The ACJ friend as well as the HT Bureau Chief, who anyway recognised my mother once I mentioned her name, had threatened the Registrar and the Finance Officer of a first page critical story)..

XXX

So, that is it.. Have been invisible, as there would be no vitality, either in the body or in mind, having have to run pillars to post - for my mother's own hard earned money - despite the Court instructions!

XXX

Anyway, coming back to the funny thing... I have my IELTS exams on the 18th in Delhi.. and I haven't literally touched the books I bought to prepare for the test..

And, disheartened and apprehensive that I am, all I did was type "Is IELTS tough or easy" on Google.. and read the comments below...

Mostly by people who probably haven't even appeared for IELTS ever, but who, as though by some gift of superfluous wisdom, know right every thing about the test..

XXX

And then, accept the ones which said it is easy, and dismiss those commenters who though it was not..!!

XXX

By the way, I mentioned I am disheartened and apprehensive.. But I didn't say depressed.. You noticed?

The emerald really is working.. right there on my little finger, studded in gold!

XXX

Seriously, full time preparations from tomorrow..

XXX

(Mar 24, 4:02am)

Three-fiftyfive in the morning, and still one more bucket of clothes to wash... hand wash, as we don't have a washing machine.. phew..

Just spread out the just washed six bucket of clothes at the balcony railing.. one over the other, as space was limited..

Somehow I didn't want to use the other balcony facing the Holy Ganges.. Don't know, but little scared of opening that door, into the silhouetted figures of trees over those invisible vast stretches at night!

XXX

I have gone after mom... she would also do all her washing suddenly, unplanned, and all at one shift.. Her relatives teasingly called her "Mona's washing day".. mom's endearing name..

XXX

Actually due to this house renovation work, couldn't really had time to wash.. I give only the ordinary clothes to the washer man, who comes to our apartment every day.. Rest, I hand wash..

That's a family protocol for maintenance.. And we always dry the clothes at night, so as to avoid any sun burning of the fabrics..

XXX

Body paining like anything.. sleep stealing over... Good night!

XXX

(Mar 21, 10:11pm)

Sorry, again kept you waiting.. I really feel bad when I see audience flocking in to my blog everyday, and then slowly the numbers drop.. reflecting perhaps their disappointment at empty posts..

But what do I do?

I really can't work when the house is in a mess... with the renovation reaching it's climax, I don't even have place to sleep... the bed has just been refashioned... and the polish would take time to dry..

Same with the dining table.. I'm eating on floor.. oh, actually there's no space on the floor either.. I just take the plate in my hand.. and eat loitering, supervising the labourers intermittently..

XXX

By the way, the new cabinet which I have made specially for myself... and which I have placed in front of the bed, looks fab...

I'll put a new television set there.. so far's there are only two sets.. one in mom's room, with nobody to use.. And the other one in the living room, which doesn't give me that ambiance...

You know if you are wanting to catch an old Hollywood movie, or say some documentary on History Channel on the Roman world or something, you best watch it reclining in the bed room..

That's a different feel!

XXX

Will share the verdict with you.. too lazy to type... Remember, we have won the case against Bihar Government regarding mom's retirement dues?

Still to get the clearance though.. The Patna HC has fixed 31st of this month as the stipulated date.. After which there would be contempt proceedings against the university..

XXX

By the way, I wouldn't be around to enjoy the interiors of my house for long, though.. No, no, I am not dying... just that I will have to move ahead, to some other town, to begin my novel.. I would be working as reporter too..

Haven't sealed any deal yet, however..

XXX

And then hopefully in end of June, I would be resuming my higher studies.. this time, in abroad..

So, that is it... Got the passport... that was the biggest headache.. police clearance is awaited but... then I need to appear for the IELTS, and taht would take a lot of brushing up grammar and else..

Can't take chances..

XXX

But somewhere there, the renovation thing is eating up into everything else.. I seriously need to balance.. I think this would be over by 25th..

Then I get a well deserved couple of days off, for Holi... And after that, I will prepare for IELTS.. the other tests and interviews regarding my admission as well..

And of-course a hell lot of readings for my own novel.. And then I need to prepare myself for doing good human rights reporting in this other town I am wanting to visit for a couple of months before my course begins..

XXX

So that's quite a recapitulation.. hope that satisfies.. Please do not be upset if i fail to blog regularly... bear this till the end of the month..

By the way I really value all of you, for continuing to visit me and reading my posts... There's seldom been a drop in your attendance, even at times when I haven't been writing really.. And I thank all of you for that..

XXX

(Mar 14, 11:58pm)

By the way I went to my lawyer today.. to collect the verdict... I think I told you, we've won.. The verdict was unusually critical of the university..

The advocate told me, in post retirement cases verdicts are mild.. even when victimisation of one party is established..

But this one was in high handed language.. Good for us.. the university never cleared mom's dues in her lifetime..

XXX

But would that have mattered.. Mom, by the time she was 55, which is five years before she retired, was above it..

Her idea of happiness rested in 'peace within' which has seldom to do with money or the comforts it brings..

XXX

Will tell you more about the verdict tomorrow..
Hope the university actually clears our dues..

XXX

It was quite late while I was returning.. past 10... hmm, do not laugh.. It's a small city... shops are long closed  in Patna, by that time..

And transportation is minimal.. The lawyer lives in a far away locality.. In earlier times those places were uninhabited...

But now it has become the nucleus of the town, with the most posh enterprises and residences lining up... The outskirts have shifted by kilometres..

But our house still has its charm... It's in the heart of the town... may be no longer the nucleus, but still inviting..

XXX

It's posh as well as peaceful.. and you also have the river view, which is a luxury...I took an auto from the lawyer's place... It was dark and relatively colder than it is in the daytime..

Before that I stopped at a road side 'golgappa' wala for eating up... He was selling in front of a big, secluded duplex house... surrounded by a garden with wired, but not very long walls.. and lined up with trees..

Long coconut trees, silhouetted in the dark against a pale outline of the house... the lights having been put off.. People sleep early here..

XXX

On the other side of the road was a sprawling building... a residential apartment... again pale in the absence of lights... and silent in slumber..

XXX

The auto dropped me at the Patna Junction.. from where I continued on a cycle rickshaw to home.. He charged me Rs 30... rather reasonably...

When I was back to the heart of the city.. at the Gandhi Maidan roundabout... It was a joyous feel..

This sprawling circular grounds, where all the rallies as well as independence day and republic day festivities are marked, and Ravan dahan done every Dushehra, is surrounded by sky rise buildings, hospitals, colleges, and one school..

XXX

St Xavier's... my school... my one time world.. my temple, my sanctuary... No matter how old you grow, memories of childhood rekindle the child's enthusiasm in you.. at least momentarily..

Besides, those plain ideas and your share of naivety... when perhaps a couple of rupees extracted from parents for a canteen samosa would make you content..

XXX

Going to passport office tomorrow... have applied under the 'tatkal' scheme and need to report early.. which suggests, I better sleep now.. Goodnight!

XXX

(Mar 14, 11:55pm)

It was a long, tiring day, albeit a good one... I noticed I used 'good' for a day which marks two and a half years of mom's demise...

How things change!

But do not assume it is the usual change of 'getting over'.. In my case it's transformation.. perhaps a deeper understanding of existence, or togetherness, which need not always be immediate or at the material level..

It could emanate from intuition or profound remembrances.. not memories which are more like reminders of the fact that something is now lost..

Remembrances are more intense... more profound... and do not have to be looking back to the past.. they can create your present and fill it with blessings and warmth, and a feel of togetherness, and through it a new found happiness like it were when your dear ones were alive....

I do not regret of what had happened.. I do not need to.. mom is present in her blessings...

But I did all the prayers which I do every 14th, since September 2010.. I got the same tuberose garland, the other flowers.. did the usual prayers too..

XXX

(Mar 10, 9:02pm)

I brought a nice, sudden present for mom today... actually, it's Shivaratri today.. and I had gone to this temple in old Patna, where my grandmother lived..

And where we have a whole diary of memories, of all the good times and festive gaieties marked together..

XXX

While returning, I was struck by the array of pavement shops selling beautiful, dazzling pictures of Gods and Goddesses...

And I picked one for mom... A Radha-Krishna, studded in a maroon designer frame... I bargained it to 200 from 250..

XXX

Will ask the carpenter to fix it to the wall facing mom's bed, when he reports for work tomorrow... actually renovation is going on at my house, and I thought why not take something for muma's room too..

It's another matter, that I am specific about not altering or adding anything there... her room is still the same since she last breathed..

I haven't moved even the tea pot or the little diaries and scrap papers, spread all around in the bed... her habitual mess-up after she had finished her day's reading and taken notes..

XXX

And yes, don't think the gift is paltry or dull.. what if 200, I have taken something which is striking.. will upload a pic of that tomorrow..

In the morning, I went to the old Kali temple in the river bank... and offered pooja to Mahadev Shiv, after bathing the "Lingam" with panchamrit..

It was very nice... I am here on Shivaratri after 2009!

XXX

(Mar 10, 11:05am)

Who's this new gentleman/madame from Moscow?
Whoever it is, welcome...

And thanks for visiting the site..

XXX

(Mar 9, 2:40pm)

Getting irritated slowly... the whole house is in a mess... since there's a renovation going on... and the smell of the paint.. unbearable!

But then there's this satisfaction, since it's all shaping up really well...

XXX

Waiting for the results too... if all's well, I'd be leaving for a short term course soon.. oh, between, the lawyer called yesterday... he says the court fixed a hearing on a day's notice..

and everything was so sudden, that he couldn't even inform me to be present..

XXX

Anyway, the good news is, we have won!!!!!!!!!!!!

The justice has asked the university to clear all of mum's dues without further delay... and failing which, the uni would might just end up paying compensation...

XXX

Now what would you say??

I got the kaal sarp dosh nivaran pooja done on 3rd... and the court settles our case on 8th!!

This is the power of Gods... and the good effects of the stones I am wearing since Jan end...

XXX

Mom's always there... each time I fret over something, the solution comes knocking to me... just as they would, if there's a guardian looking after you..

I need money for my studies abroad... and here it comes!

XXX

(Mar 4, 12:36pm)

It was a good, lazy morning today.. as though the early 1990s were back.. when I was in primary school, sleeping late into the Saturdays...

And at times popping the face out of my blanket, watching mumma do her hair and face or arrange her handbag, in hurry to her morning classes at the university..

XXX

This was one of those, which I call "a child's" morning.. without worries, without apprehension, without either obligation or the necessity to pace up to a rapid world..

Since Jan mid, those days are back... mumma as a guardian is back.... mumma as a security for survival is back... I have already told you, I will tell you more on that later..

But it's such a good feel.. Yeah, Mom's vision and her sound are not there.. but are they all that constitute a touch and a sight?

And sometimes, aren't touch and sight only superficial? Isn't love more like the breeze, which though absent of touch or sight, still exudes its warmth.. touches you and enamours you and makes your soul merry?

XXX

Just had a couple of sandwiches and coffee at my hotel room... watching tv... called up the carpenter, who says the house renovation is on in speed..

And meanwhile also waiting for my entrance results for studying abroad, and contacting editors for the two month internship in this far north town, my location for beginning the novel...

XXX

(Mar 3, 10:34pm)

By the way, I am not going back today... The ticket was RAC, and could not be confirmed... I don't think I would have shared my berth with a Bihari..

They just don't have any manner or hospitality.. and sharing your berth with people who exile you to one corner even when you have individual seat, is beyond me..

And please, don't start your standard lessons on democracy and all-races-are-equal stuff... Go live with them for 6-8 months in close proximity and you would know..

Or take a train (reserved berth in AC compartment) from Patna to Ara in daytime on a weekday..

XXX

Yeah, I should be saying, a section of Biharis rather than Biharis per se, but here again, this section is such a profound majority, that I have the luxury to club..

Yeah, not lying.. Even people from well-educated, urban middle class, will puke on the basin while you are still washing your hands... and will not even turn back to see if they have besmeared your dress or in person..

XXX

Anyway, I told you it's a decent hotel and given that they are charging a fraction of what deluxe hotels come for in Delhi or Kol, there's this strange satisfaction too..

Have ordered a tomato soup.. watching a documentary on CNN-IBN..

XXX