(Jan 28, 11:21pm)

Just returned after a night out.. Apu**a who had come for a courtesy visit, to plan out for tomorrow, actually took me for dinner.. where we had a chance bumping in by two biker friends..

Quite a speed vs time tale thereafter.. in any case, in January after 9pm, the streets are all empty here..

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We had large size sundaes at a stall..

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Okay, Apu**a would come at 11 tomorrow.. and we'd straight away head for the wedding, which is scheduled to go on till five.. but I guess since we would also need some time to relax, and dress up for the reception, we will have to come back by 3..

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Before, of course, turning up again at the banquet at 8pm..

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I am wearing a Fab-India kurta, a fiery orange one, for the day.. though I am yet to decide how and what I'd be teaming up that with..

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For the night, there's this Giovanni suit... a designer one in royal blue.. I think it would go well with the light denims I bought last December!

And the US Polo shoes!

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(Jan 28, 10:22am)

Going home for friend's marriage.. P******t, the captain in Indian Army.. I reach this evening, attend the function tomorrow.. and then back to Del, the day after!

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It's Basant Panchami today.. In Patna, we have festivities all around.. People clad in kurtas, ladies in yellow saris.. Goddess Saraswati's idols virtually everywhere.. and devout songs pouring in from inside grandiose pandals..

While grannie was alive, we would celebrate at her place.. with extended family.. Bongs have very different customs of worship this day.. we celebrate even the day after, and have "gota seddo" (boiled vegetables mixed with rice) along with fish and other courses!

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I'd at least light the diya and chant prayers..
Good that I would be home this evening!

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Gotta go, now..
Bye!

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(Jan 25, 12:41pm)

I was appreciated for my dress-up today.. particularly, the choice of colours.. Seems the Chinese blazer in earthen brown, and the dimly buff trouser worked out perfectly..

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Pushing hard for an interview with Sheila Dikshit (New Delhi Chief Minister).. lets see..

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(Jan 24, 11:07pm)

Hmmm... Both my stories have been postponed to middle Feb.. and then this N***r, he is yet to get the Kashmir thing published..

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So, sharing instead this another article.. a book review.. this may not be exactly significant, but still, i thought I could share..

http://www.thesundayindian.com/en/story/Fairy-Tales--Love--hate-and-Hubris/114/29066/

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Im really excited about the Kashmir write up.. you know the other day I sent it to Seema Mustafa for a critical appreciation.. The acclaimed writer/journalist..

She thought it was excellent.. In fact I myself have never been so ecstatic about my writing.. I told you na its the flaws that I generally look for, and its the flaws again that absorbs me and interests me.. but not with this one..

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Should I share it with you here?

Or should I give N***r some more time?

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(Jan 22, 8:01pm)

Eagerly looking forward to Colors Screen Award.. it begins in a few minutes.. SRK and Madhuri would be doing a special act.. Wow!!

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(Jan 18, 11:59am)

Apurva went away just now.. he was on a two day office tour and had put up at my place.. While he was here, I was untroubled, but the very thought of being alone again, is making me morose..

I started feeling so low, that I dint even come out of the house to bid him goodbye.. he was shocked (we see off one another to the station usually).. But I guess he would understand..

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My plans are not shaping up.. everything is getting delayed.. and I am having a feel that none of my friends are really my friends.. particularly, this friend, who calls me brother.. who calls me family..

But he told me it's nothing like that.. that im indeed family to him.. and he would never desert me.. nor be indifferent to me.. but i keep feeling that feel..

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Am i just getting too insecured..
Am i getting delusional?

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Two of my major stories have been postponed to middle of Feb.. thats adding to this sad feel..

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I have certain plans.. I would be happier once they fructify.. The Goddess will have to help me..

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(Jan 17, 9:14pm)

Ramzy Baroud (internationally acclaimed Palestinian journalist and author) to me: "Dear Anando, the article was impressive, both your analysis and the organization of the text; quite rational and sensible approach to a multifaceted subject; I will check out your future articles whenever possible; keep up the good work."

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PS: I had interviewed him for my story "Not Over Yet"...
which focused on diminishing American hegemony in a multipolar world..

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(Jan 15, 10:10pm)

Hey, actually Im not well.. so the invisibility.. hope you all doing good.. Then i have this Cover Story to do.. I give it on 23rd, production happens on 25th..

And since Im already lagging behind, I guess I'd not be available at blogspot for now..

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N**** says the Kashmir piece was touching..
It comes out in print soon..

Will share with you thereafter..

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(Jan 13, 4:56pm)

In the edit meet, boss praised me for the land grab story!

Will share the link once it is published..
around Feb second week.. stay tuned!

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Looking for research opportunities..

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(Jan 12, 9:33pm)

Oh, I totally forgot.. I talked to the Goddess today.. after ages.. I mean I pray everyday to each one of the Gods anyway.. but, talking is different..

I gave her a list of wishes too.. and Jan end, and Feb-March deadlines to count..

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(Jan 12, 9:28pm)

What is this?
I got only three pageviews today?

Yesterday it was 38..

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Not getting the flow in Delhi.. home was good.. homes always are.. and for everybody.. ain't they? Thats why they are home..

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Doing the cover story for Jan 25..
Have to handle my mind..

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Apu*** wud be comin Del on Monday.. for two day office tour.. and will put up with me.. nice.. there wud be some relief.. some feel of home, in having a person from home(town)..

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Went to GIP after office.. to amuse myself.. and to get out of this low.. but it worsened.. its the same mall, I had been shopping all of December for the Kashmir trip.. jackets, pullovers, shoes, digicam..

Felt miserable at seeing the same showrooms.. but now, without the glam.. Missed Naz** too.. my kashmiri buddy..

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(Jan 11, 12:05pm)

Going to Delhi tonight..
train to catch at 7:25..

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Ap**** came over yesterday, and so I had a pleasant evening.. we clicked pictures.. and had good food.. Bharat ji had made these speacial peas kachori..

I was happy.. so many ppl liked the snap on FB.. and I also had this very nice display pic..

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And then, Na*** thought the Kashmir travelogue was touching.. and powerfully written.. He wants to get that published.. lets see.. Will share the link whenever that happens!

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I dont want to go back Delhi.. I just dont.. If muma were here, by now I would have discontinued work for research and other studies.. I so feel like a student.. I just keep getting that impulse..

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(Jan 8, 9:07pm)

Writing the Kashmir travelogue tonight..
will have dinner first..

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Got the ticket extended to 11th..
I resume office on 12th now..

More time in Patna!!!

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(Jan 8, 10:33am)

Got my ticket booked for Delhi..
I resume office on 11th!

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Even my maids are sad!

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Have asked Bharati ji to cook sumptuous dinner tonight..
Apurva would be coming too..

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(Jan 7, 9:17pm)

Did you notice?

When Im depressed, I blog more often!

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Had too many cups of coffee today!

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Now that reporting is over, I can write the Kashmir travelogue.. I told you na Na*** wants me write that..

Na*** who?

Oh ho, my Janisaar Kashmiri buddy who took me home.. while I was holidaying at Srinagar!

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Want to make that my best.. Goddess, help me out pls.. It's not gonna be only a piece of article; so many people's feelings have to be taken care of too..

Smiles have to be restored,
hopes have to be restored..

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(Jan 7, 4:48pm)

Morning was spent seeing off Nishat Sir, my ACJ prof.. He had come to take the boys on a deprivation tour of Bihar.. and you know what.. With a fractured right hand..

Salute the spirit!

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We had a lovely breakfast at Hotel City Centre.. The view was cosy from our window table.. There were a couple of ACJ seniors too.. both working for English dailies here..

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Headed to Maurya Complex then.. Miss SK, my Xavier's teacher, wanted to meet me too.. And before she turned up, I hurriedly interviewed the Director of Urban Development whose office was nearby..

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Had lunch with Apurva at my place.. besides gossip!

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Now heading to meet one of the victims' lawyer!

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(Jan 6, 10:57am)

The sun's gone into hiding again..

It's all gloomy here..

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Lets finish the land grab story today..

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Then may be I can write the Kashmir travelogue..
"N" wants me to.. since I left Sringar..

I'm not delaying it purposefully.. It's just that Im hoping to make it my best.. not just captivating in words.. but touching.. provoking.. like the strife-torn beauty of Kashmir!

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If I finish the work assignment today, night onwards I can write it.. And Im sure, when Im writing, my pain, my trouble, my loss of hope, everything else would become irrelevant!

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(January 5, 10:23pm)

It's getting unbearable... how long can i fake smiles and let others believe everything's okay.. and even if i am able to forever, what with the pain?

Im more and more at loss of ways in handling my depression.. I knew the winters will be difficult.. thank goodness last year I was south, where there's no winter..

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There's no shoulder to lean on, nobody to care.. remember I told you.. people love me only to later leave me..

Cant help it.. it's destined it seems!

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Mrs Ghosh too wants me to see the doctor..

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Thriving on sedatives?
Is that what awaits me in life?

Am i too destined to be a beautiful but bedevilled artist (writer), whose craft is eventually lost to doses of barbiturate?

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Oh I dint tell you I visited Mrs Ghosh yesterday.. for the land grab story.. since she too is a victim.. we had a Bengali lunch together.. which is to say varieties of fish..

Her old bungalow is a museum of everything that poetry demands of art! Antiques, piano, shelves full of 19th and early 20th century books.. quaint furniture..

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83 and alone and harassed by the mafia.. she still is more self-assured than me.. more full of hope, more full of life!

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Btw, the evening was spent at Lalu Yadav's house.. I cant tell you the official part of it, but we can discuss other things.. his son is hospital.. he showed me his garden and the pond rather excitedly.. and treated me well..

I told him his caller tune (which was a Krishna bhajan) was good. "Oh thank you, I am a great follower of ISKON's Hare Krishna movement,' he replied delightfully.. perhaps happy that I noticed..

"Yup, he is!" I thought.. "Since the walls were adorned with Lord Krishna's photos on all sides.. even the calendars.."

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The pizza boy just delivered the Marguerites.. Was out all day.. so Bharati ji didnt have the opportunity to cook us dinner.. will take them with tea.. signing off.. Bbyee..

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(January 5, 3:01pm)

Few more days in Patna.. Vacation is long over.. But since Im doing a land mafia story here, there's added holidaying.. Went to RJD headquarters today.. trying to get Lalu Yadav's interview done.. Lets see..

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And all this, in a bad depression.. But I guess I have learnt the craft of acting very well.. no matter how sad I am, i can fake smiles.. and exchange pleasantries too.. and joyously, so that you would never suspect..

Iv developed voice modulation too.. so even that wouldnt betray me..

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Does this make me a fake person?

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Im only trying to evade scrutiny..

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(January 3, 3:41pm)

My depression is seriously worsening.. Since July I had somehow averted it.. but suddenly nothing seems to work.. May be it's the birthday effect.. Having put on a year, Im suddenly thinking too much on what awaits me in life?

And Who?

Who is more important I guess.. Who exactly I have? There's suddenly a deterioration in my situation from being alone to being lonely...

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Is it just brooding?

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But I ain't doing that willingly.. in fact i always try stopping that.. but this one is too compelling..

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So I was talking about what awaits me in life.. and who? What is not complex to know.. I have always shown promise at work..and it's likely that the good work would continue.. unless Im too hassled by mood swings....

But then, more importantly, who?

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I've no plans to get married next 7-8 years.. and may be I'll never marry at all.. I told you If i get married, it has to be because I want to get married.. and not because Im supposed to get married and have kids and cut across a happy, "look-Im-so-blessed" picture in the streets!

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The weather will kill me.. I need the sun.. that helps me handle depression.. Some friends suggest I saw the doctor.. because it's over a year.. and the depression is not subsiding...

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I seriously disagree with that argument.. Why should your grief over loss subside just because it's been some time..

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That means you never were in genuine love with who and/or what you have lost...

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I do not wish to see the doctor either.. he would most likely give me sedatives or some drugs.. that's a good way of lessening your pain for some time.. but in the long run, it becomes more powerful, more permanent..

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I have my own way tackling my depression.. I do that naturally.. like listening to music.. shopping.. doing my list of favourite things.. as if it were some festive season.. making work plans.. realising them.. etc etc..

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There's one happy outcome of the depression though.. Im talking to the Goddess more often.. and in more togetherness..

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(January 2, 2:57pm)

I guess I should call it a mixed New Year... As unexpected rains spoiled whatever I had planned for birthday (1st Jan).. only 9 of 22 guests turned up.. and I had then hell of a time distributing the food and other stuff..

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It was a depressing weather...The Sun didn't beam us any blessings, any ray of hope.. I felt bad.. In fact I was, and I am, depressed.. It has suddenly resurfaced.. It did first at Gulmarg.. on 25th.. though N (Kashmiri Friend) had done everything that day to make me happy.. Inviting friends, getting me good food.. clicking my pictures every moment!

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But I thought I was out of place.. What was a cheerful company of friends seemed to me an indifferent crowd.. I know that was just my mind speaking... the boys were good..

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I felt better on 26th.. when he (N) took me through a joyride in Srinagar.. this time only his girlfriend befriending us.. Kashmir University was a delight.. The place reverberated with the learning of great men.. And with all the hope, loss, trust, and betrayal which they have witnessed in muted horror!

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Am I suddenly managing my friends better?
Am I coming out of my exile and becoming more social?

Pure statistics tells me yes..

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I got over 75 b'de greetings on FB..
and half if not as many sms-es...

And no ends of calls..

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Dunno

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Im sad.. May be because Im away from Kashmir, and away from the dear company of N.. who so cared for me, and loved me.. his family too.. and then my b'de is over, and there are no plans to make now..

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Iv seen plans keep me busy.. whenever I've plans, and whenever Im on toes executing them, my depressions remain elusive.. But there aint any plans now (apart from work commitments).. and there aint any hope now..

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But for consoles, im home..

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Please Goddess..
Give me some hope, give me some strength!

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