(Mar 24, 4:02am)

Three-fiftyfive in the morning, and still one more bucket of clothes to wash... hand wash, as we don't have a washing machine.. phew..

Just spread out the just washed six bucket of clothes at the balcony railing.. one over the other, as space was limited..

Somehow I didn't want to use the other balcony facing the Holy Ganges.. Don't know, but little scared of opening that door, into the silhouetted figures of trees over those invisible vast stretches at night!

XXX

I have gone after mom... she would also do all her washing suddenly, unplanned, and all at one shift.. Her relatives teasingly called her "Mona's washing day".. mom's endearing name..

XXX

Actually due to this house renovation work, couldn't really had time to wash.. I give only the ordinary clothes to the washer man, who comes to our apartment every day.. Rest, I hand wash..

That's a family protocol for maintenance.. And we always dry the clothes at night, so as to avoid any sun burning of the fabrics..

XXX

Body paining like anything.. sleep stealing over... Good night!

XXX

(Mar 21, 10:11pm)

Sorry, again kept you waiting.. I really feel bad when I see audience flocking in to my blog everyday, and then slowly the numbers drop.. reflecting perhaps their disappointment at empty posts..

But what do I do?

I really can't work when the house is in a mess... with the renovation reaching it's climax, I don't even have place to sleep... the bed has just been refashioned... and the polish would take time to dry..

Same with the dining table.. I'm eating on floor.. oh, actually there's no space on the floor either.. I just take the plate in my hand.. and eat loitering, supervising the labourers intermittently..

XXX

By the way, the new cabinet which I have made specially for myself... and which I have placed in front of the bed, looks fab...

I'll put a new television set there.. so far's there are only two sets.. one in mom's room, with nobody to use.. And the other one in the living room, which doesn't give me that ambiance...

You know if you are wanting to catch an old Hollywood movie, or say some documentary on History Channel on the Roman world or something, you best watch it reclining in the bed room..

That's a different feel!

XXX

Will share the verdict with you.. too lazy to type... Remember, we have won the case against Bihar Government regarding mom's retirement dues?

Still to get the clearance though.. The Patna HC has fixed 31st of this month as the stipulated date.. After which there would be contempt proceedings against the university..

XXX

By the way, I wouldn't be around to enjoy the interiors of my house for long, though.. No, no, I am not dying... just that I will have to move ahead, to some other town, to begin my novel.. I would be working as reporter too..

Haven't sealed any deal yet, however..

XXX

And then hopefully in end of June, I would be resuming my higher studies.. this time, in abroad..

So, that is it... Got the passport... that was the biggest headache.. police clearance is awaited but... then I need to appear for the IELTS, and taht would take a lot of brushing up grammar and else..

Can't take chances..

XXX

But somewhere there, the renovation thing is eating up into everything else.. I seriously need to balance.. I think this would be over by 25th..

Then I get a well deserved couple of days off, for Holi... And after that, I will prepare for IELTS.. the other tests and interviews regarding my admission as well..

And of-course a hell lot of readings for my own novel.. And then I need to prepare myself for doing good human rights reporting in this other town I am wanting to visit for a couple of months before my course begins..

XXX

So that's quite a recapitulation.. hope that satisfies.. Please do not be upset if i fail to blog regularly... bear this till the end of the month..

By the way I really value all of you, for continuing to visit me and reading my posts... There's seldom been a drop in your attendance, even at times when I haven't been writing really.. And I thank all of you for that..

XXX

(Mar 14, 11:58pm)

By the way I went to my lawyer today.. to collect the verdict... I think I told you, we've won.. The verdict was unusually critical of the university..

The advocate told me, in post retirement cases verdicts are mild.. even when victimisation of one party is established..

But this one was in high handed language.. Good for us.. the university never cleared mom's dues in her lifetime..

XXX

But would that have mattered.. Mom, by the time she was 55, which is five years before she retired, was above it..

Her idea of happiness rested in 'peace within' which has seldom to do with money or the comforts it brings..

XXX

Will tell you more about the verdict tomorrow..
Hope the university actually clears our dues..

XXX

It was quite late while I was returning.. past 10... hmm, do not laugh.. It's a small city... shops are long closed  in Patna, by that time..

And transportation is minimal.. The lawyer lives in a far away locality.. In earlier times those places were uninhabited...

But now it has become the nucleus of the town, with the most posh enterprises and residences lining up... The outskirts have shifted by kilometres..

But our house still has its charm... It's in the heart of the town... may be no longer the nucleus, but still inviting..

XXX

It's posh as well as peaceful.. and you also have the river view, which is a luxury...I took an auto from the lawyer's place... It was dark and relatively colder than it is in the daytime..

Before that I stopped at a road side 'golgappa' wala for eating up... He was selling in front of a big, secluded duplex house... surrounded by a garden with wired, but not very long walls.. and lined up with trees..

Long coconut trees, silhouetted in the dark against a pale outline of the house... the lights having been put off.. People sleep early here..

XXX

On the other side of the road was a sprawling building... a residential apartment... again pale in the absence of lights... and silent in slumber..

XXX

The auto dropped me at the Patna Junction.. from where I continued on a cycle rickshaw to home.. He charged me Rs 30... rather reasonably...

When I was back to the heart of the city.. at the Gandhi Maidan roundabout... It was a joyous feel..

This sprawling circular grounds, where all the rallies as well as independence day and republic day festivities are marked, and Ravan dahan done every Dushehra, is surrounded by sky rise buildings, hospitals, colleges, and one school..

XXX

St Xavier's... my school... my one time world.. my temple, my sanctuary... No matter how old you grow, memories of childhood rekindle the child's enthusiasm in you.. at least momentarily..

Besides, those plain ideas and your share of naivety... when perhaps a couple of rupees extracted from parents for a canteen samosa would make you content..

XXX

Going to passport office tomorrow... have applied under the 'tatkal' scheme and need to report early.. which suggests, I better sleep now.. Goodnight!

XXX

(Mar 14, 11:55pm)

It was a long, tiring day, albeit a good one... I noticed I used 'good' for a day which marks two and a half years of mom's demise...

How things change!

But do not assume it is the usual change of 'getting over'.. In my case it's transformation.. perhaps a deeper understanding of existence, or togetherness, which need not always be immediate or at the material level..

It could emanate from intuition or profound remembrances.. not memories which are more like reminders of the fact that something is now lost..

Remembrances are more intense... more profound... and do not have to be looking back to the past.. they can create your present and fill it with blessings and warmth, and a feel of togetherness, and through it a new found happiness like it were when your dear ones were alive....

I do not regret of what had happened.. I do not need to.. mom is present in her blessings...

But I did all the prayers which I do every 14th, since September 2010.. I got the same tuberose garland, the other flowers.. did the usual prayers too..

XXX

(Mar 10, 9:02pm)

I brought a nice, sudden present for mom today... actually, it's Shivaratri today.. and I had gone to this temple in old Patna, where my grandmother lived..

And where we have a whole diary of memories, of all the good times and festive gaieties marked together..

XXX

While returning, I was struck by the array of pavement shops selling beautiful, dazzling pictures of Gods and Goddesses...

And I picked one for mom... A Radha-Krishna, studded in a maroon designer frame... I bargained it to 200 from 250..

XXX

Will ask the carpenter to fix it to the wall facing mom's bed, when he reports for work tomorrow... actually renovation is going on at my house, and I thought why not take something for muma's room too..

It's another matter, that I am specific about not altering or adding anything there... her room is still the same since she last breathed..

I haven't moved even the tea pot or the little diaries and scrap papers, spread all around in the bed... her habitual mess-up after she had finished her day's reading and taken notes..

XXX

And yes, don't think the gift is paltry or dull.. what if 200, I have taken something which is striking.. will upload a pic of that tomorrow..

In the morning, I went to the old Kali temple in the river bank... and offered pooja to Mahadev Shiv, after bathing the "Lingam" with panchamrit..

It was very nice... I am here on Shivaratri after 2009!

XXX

(Mar 10, 11:05am)

Who's this new gentleman/madame from Moscow?
Whoever it is, welcome...

And thanks for visiting the site..

XXX

(Mar 9, 2:40pm)

Getting irritated slowly... the whole house is in a mess... since there's a renovation going on... and the smell of the paint.. unbearable!

But then there's this satisfaction, since it's all shaping up really well...

XXX

Waiting for the results too... if all's well, I'd be leaving for a short term course soon.. oh, between, the lawyer called yesterday... he says the court fixed a hearing on a day's notice..

and everything was so sudden, that he couldn't even inform me to be present..

XXX

Anyway, the good news is, we have won!!!!!!!!!!!!

The justice has asked the university to clear all of mum's dues without further delay... and failing which, the uni would might just end up paying compensation...

XXX

Now what would you say??

I got the kaal sarp dosh nivaran pooja done on 3rd... and the court settles our case on 8th!!

This is the power of Gods... and the good effects of the stones I am wearing since Jan end...

XXX

Mom's always there... each time I fret over something, the solution comes knocking to me... just as they would, if there's a guardian looking after you..

I need money for my studies abroad... and here it comes!

XXX

(Mar 4, 12:36pm)

It was a good, lazy morning today.. as though the early 1990s were back.. when I was in primary school, sleeping late into the Saturdays...

And at times popping the face out of my blanket, watching mumma do her hair and face or arrange her handbag, in hurry to her morning classes at the university..

XXX

This was one of those, which I call "a child's" morning.. without worries, without apprehension, without either obligation or the necessity to pace up to a rapid world..

Since Jan mid, those days are back... mumma as a guardian is back.... mumma as a security for survival is back... I have already told you, I will tell you more on that later..

But it's such a good feel.. Yeah, Mom's vision and her sound are not there.. but are they all that constitute a touch and a sight?

And sometimes, aren't touch and sight only superficial? Isn't love more like the breeze, which though absent of touch or sight, still exudes its warmth.. touches you and enamours you and makes your soul merry?

XXX

Just had a couple of sandwiches and coffee at my hotel room... watching tv... called up the carpenter, who says the house renovation is on in speed..

And meanwhile also waiting for my entrance results for studying abroad, and contacting editors for the two month internship in this far north town, my location for beginning the novel...

XXX

(Mar 3, 10:34pm)

By the way, I am not going back today... The ticket was RAC, and could not be confirmed... I don't think I would have shared my berth with a Bihari..

They just don't have any manner or hospitality.. and sharing your berth with people who exile you to one corner even when you have individual seat, is beyond me..

And please, don't start your standard lessons on democracy and all-races-are-equal stuff... Go live with them for 6-8 months in close proximity and you would know..

Or take a train (reserved berth in AC compartment) from Patna to Ara in daytime on a weekday..

XXX

Yeah, I should be saying, a section of Biharis rather than Biharis per se, but here again, this section is such a profound majority, that I have the luxury to club..

Yeah, not lying.. Even people from well-educated, urban middle class, will puke on the basin while you are still washing your hands... and will not even turn back to see if they have besmeared your dress or in person..

XXX

Anyway, I told you it's a decent hotel and given that they are charging a fraction of what deluxe hotels come for in Delhi or Kol, there's this strange satisfaction too..

Have ordered a tomato soup.. watching a documentary on CNN-IBN..

XXX

(Mar 3, 3:07pm)

Back to my hotel after the pooja at Tayambakeshwar.. It was another hectic and tiring day after Shirdi yesterday.. But there's certainly this feeling of blessedness, which is assuring..

I started at 5 in the morning in an auto, and till only a few minutes before we reached the place at six, it was all dark and cold...

The breeze was chilling, and I was not very adequately clad.. only a half jacket, which I had thought would suffice..

But it was exciting to see vast expanse of the fields and silhouettes of huge mountains on either side of the highway, standing as though like some giant's army about to attack..

XXX

Hope all the malefic planets are now placated, and I can go about unhindered in my attempts.. I mean seriously.. I had always noticed the obstacles coming my way were rather too often and very unusual ones...

Even the outcome of my efforts, given that I am generally focused and determined person, was unsatisfactory..

XXX

Back to Patna on Tuesday.. catching the late night train... Hope the house redoing is done before Mahashivaratri, which is on 10th.. and also, the results for this university abroad, where I plan to do part of my MA, too are out..

Once these are done, i would be focusing more on my other fellowship proposals and would try getting the two month feature-writing internship in this far north town, where I have decided to begin my debut novel..

XXX

(March 2, 7:43pm)

Reached Nasik this morning.. The pooja for Kaal Sarp Yog remedy is scheduled early hours tomorrow.. At the famous Trayambakeshwar temple, one hour from here..

Have reserved an auto... I'm supposed to leave at 5am sharp..phew!

XXX

Things here are much cheaper... I got this very well designed, and well equipped room for only 800 a day.. At The Great Maratha Hotel...

Considering the ambiance as well as the location, people would have charged me easily between 2000 and 2500, were it Delhi..

XXX

Oh, I went to Sirdi Sai Baba temple.. it was a long time wish, which realised all at once today, when I thought there really was no work to do, and what better use of the leisure than being there for 'darshan'?

Offered double prayers and couple of 'Chadar's.. one in my name, one in mom's..

XXX

A middle class, perhaps rural middle class Maratha family were accompanying me at the Sumo..I guess they were a group of elder brother and his wife, and a relatively younger, unmarried sister..

The 'bhabhi' and sister-in-law seemed to gel in very well, and the girl was pretty and shy.. much like Marathi girls are.. not very conscious or made-up, but naturally beautiful and simple..

XXX

So, once the pooja is done, all my planets will be placated...

I am already wearing an emerald and a diamond; emerald as remedy to depression and diamond for a general increase of fortune, as determined by the configurations in my birth chart..

Don't laugh.. It's democracy.. Both you and I have our respective rights to believe in or disbelieve the Vedic sciences..

XXX

And yeah, the way the emerald, which I have studded on gold and ornated on the little finger, have worked for me, abating my depression decisively if not totally, I would rather call it the sciences..

Mumma was not too enamoured with such ideas, and hence never really bothered to do the remedies, which various astrologers insisted on her time to time..

Upon her death, I can't take chances.. I have to look after my own self, and I would do whatever that seems likely to work or benefit.. besides of course, continued hard work and my personal prayers to the Goddess..

XXX

Meanwhile the study abroad processes, the shift and new impetus on work front, and the house redoing things are going on, in good pace.. So far, I haven't let one work deflect attention from the other..

XXX