Finally, I can look into the mirror and see not a loser's face!

I've got what I wanted...and this was important just as much for my career, as this was for my pride...which was hurt, but which I would not compromise...

All this while, people reminded me- in friendly concern- how beggars could not be choosers, and how it was impolitic on my part to let go off offers at hand..

I would not argue with them...or try to explain to them that I could emerge a winner, regardless...All the same, I had conviction in my own abilities... And, I also knew that for some men, it's just not in their blood to be beggars...they would either win the war or be slain in the effort...

Since April 12, I had wanted the ToI... and strangely, I wanted it so that I could forfeit it... for the Hindu.. That was necessary for my ego...I must have an offer from the largest selling newspaper, even though I'm looking elsewhere..

And, by Gods' abundant blessings, I could do just that...The ToI were even willing to accommodate my writing in a desk position, but since it was a new launch- for Coimbatore- they would not begin work before October end... I went for the Hindu, instead..And my ego- between- satisfied..

Perhaps, it took the Goddess four months to understand, that caprice could sometimes be a source of energy...A zealously driving energy, that constructs rather than destructs..

My ego, irrespective of the mood swings it unleashes in me, is also the most sustaining influence of my life! Suppressing that would be my own undoing!!

When I have ego, I fear it fall...and that makes me work all the harder and ensure it doesn't... Had I not this ego pressing upon my head, I would have yielded to time-trusted wisdom, that pour in from all quarters when you are dismayed...

But my ego ensured I didn't..
I waited, and I won as well!

People love me........ and then they abandon me....... Always!

I have become sceptical about everything...including my Goddess....I twice put scorn on her today, for not caring about me enough...and both time, I realised she actually cared...

But it's still not just enough...

And I'm not being too demanding, either...it's not that...she knows...

XXX

My Xavier friend, who's having engineering placements this year, tells me he got eliminated in the PI...after having cracked the entrance...and they were such good companies!

I got tensed for his future too...He assuages me saying, he's not tensed at all...And I suddenly feel, I've become unnecessarily hyper...I fret at the drop of a hat...

XXX

Like my mother's birthday is good far away...And Im already fretting what if the cake isn't delivered on time that day?

It's ridiculous..But how do I get out of it?

XXX

He's such a fallen king, he didn't dare violate the ceasefire...
I've won the battle already, and probably he's understood there's no point pushing the war either...

And guess what's so funny about it?
I didn't have to use the "bombs."

XXX

The advocate's daughter had to do all that again...

Yesterday, when an adamant mamma made me do the errands again, she appears from behind the curtain.....stands there....and keeps staring..

It's so irritating!

I'm sure she's convent educated...how could, then, her manners be so ill-bred...Anyways, I just fixed my eyes on the carpet...

XXX

Between, I wonder what a goof her dad is....If I were at his place, I would be wide awake about my daughter's instincts....And would give her a tight slap for such demeanour...

XXX

O My God, the very thought of a blood test is stupefying my senses... The last time I got an injection was in 1998... I know this time I'm going to scream terribly again...

Why on earth do they need a test....

What possibly can I be suffering from....Aids?
But how do I acquire that....

It can't be Blood Transmission?
As I said, the last time I took injection, it was 1998..

From mother's womb?
In that case, both me and her would have died by now.

Then?

Well, there's another way you get that...But... "that's" not applicable in my case...Not Yet.

So he thought if he simply shied away from reacting, the "bombings" might stop......I never expected him to be this naive...more so when he is known to be wily..

Good Lord! Some people still believe if they just shut their eyes, the cat would go..

In this case, NOT... I knew he was waiting to see how I would proceed... as he didn't know how he himself should..

When I strike on him again, he responds outrageously...desperate in his attempts to appear mighty...to scare me... to convince that it is he who would win...

But I can see through it... I know he's just a vanquished king... minus the might...minus the tricks... He can't win... I won't let him win..

So, I just offer him a glimpse of the "bombs" I have in store..

He relents..
Immediately..
He's ready for a ceasefire, too.

Of-course, it's just buying time.. It's counterfeit ceasefire.. He'll have invented something before I get back on him tomorrow...

So what?
The thing is: I still have the "bombs"

I dropped a "bomb" on "him" today.
A mild "bomb"

Since this was the very first one, I was being considerate..... Or may be, I am wise enough to retain the stronger ones for climax..

XXX

Now waiting to see the reaction!
Eagerly!!

XXX

Everyday Shahnaz Aunty- our neighbour who lives in the 6th floor- would make my evenings more delightful... with her plateful of snacks and appetizers, that she cooks specially for Iftaar..

She loves to break the fasting with us. Unless she had come and given us the snacks, she would not have it herself.. During Dushehra, we reciprocate to the gesture... She, and especially the kids, dote on the Boondiya and the Gud-ke-ragulles!

Now who says Hindus and Muslims can't live in peace?
If the watch-dogs stop interfering, they (The Hindus and the Muslims) would... FOREVER!

XXX

I watched a documentary on Jhansi ki Rani today, and I just discovered I still get them...

The goosebumps.

This gallant queen had been my hero since childhood. Nobody else has thrilled me more.

And it's a comfort to know, despite growing up, in other ways I haven't.

I don't desire to, either.
I am happy that i still got the goosebumps.

XXX

Is the advocate's daughter taking interest in me?

Each time I do the errands for mumma, I notice she has to somehow come to her dad's parlour and strike a conversation. And she's "extra-polite."

I thought I was just imagining. Today I realise I wasn't.

Well, I'm not doing the errands again. I can't reciprocate to any of friendship, love or animosity, if the other party is medicore... I'm sorry.

XXX

So we celebrate another year of independence.

No, I wouldn't be a kill joy, bewailing the maoist and inflation things.. I'm not the "100 me ninyanwe baiman to kaise mera Bharat Mahan?" type...

But, it was disenchanting to see Katrina Kaif all over... the movies...the music channels..

There was a time we had Jagriti and Do Aakhen Barah Haath..
But, no longer.

People's perception of "celebrating" has changed thoroughly. We celebrate patriotic fervour watching English movies..When we were slaves, at least we dare wore Khadi.

Now?

Even the most patriotic song of recent times- Chak de India- has soundtracks that are totally alien to the native taste.

XXX

How can't I try something new on 15th August?

I did.
I prepared "Chhanar Payas" (Rasgulle ki kheer).

People liked it.
No, not the kheer....The EFFORT!

The bad dreams are back. And this time, they are more uncanny...

So here I find myself in the lawn, which faces the Chateau.
The guys- from faraway lands- await their turn.

It's the day of judgement. Those who died young and single, are being awarded points on their appearance. If you get eight, you are alive again. You are allowed to tavel back in time and marry the girl you wish.

Anything less than four makes celibacy mandatory. Thou shalt be a monk ever after.

I am apprehensive about my own fate.
I am jittery.

How do I get 8?
How on earth?

I haven't been looking nearly good. It's weeks since I last had a bleach... My hairs are unkempt, and I am not even wearing the Feerozi shirt that makes me look good magically.

I try to escape, but the guards with shining armour pounce on me and stop me. I am produced before the Jury that has been waiting in one of the antechambers inside.

Suddenly my fears are allayed.

The ACJ girls are the Jury.
Okay, I haven't spoken to many of them often, but I'm sure they would not discomfit my hopes for an "8."

All of them are angels now, and have beautiful wings. Their golden locks let loose in splendor and parley with the ivory floor.

They smile at me.
I smile back.
And then...

Like the caprice of some haughty monarch, they are transformed into gorgons...

They have snakes for hairs...
They laugh at me, making deafening sounds... They enjoy themselves in my discomfort..

And,

They give me 2.

I'm doomed.
I scream. I shout. But, nobody comes for help.

No
No
Noooooo.

People tell me I have the warrior element in me. I don't let faith abandon me even if the going gets tough.

They attribute this to my unwavering optimism.

So untrue!

It's not optimism that sees me endeavour.

It's fear of failure. I shouldn't be alive if I'm not recognised. I should hide in the jungles.

That kind of fear.

May be, hence, I can call it negative optimism.

XXX

Have I become Bathsheba Everdene of Far From the Madding Crowd?
Whose unfounded scepticism entangles her into "should I, shouldn't I" situation always?

Who, for all her trust in Gabriel's love, decoys him still..

XXX

I should be jumping around about the Mangalore thing.
Why do I crib for Chennai, then?

XXX

The Goddess still wants me to be the tortoise.

Why, but?

Why Cant I be the rabbit that didn't sleep.
The rabbit that won.

I don't like the tortoise. I don't extol it's win either. The Goddess must, must discern this.

XXX

I met an old school buddy today. Accidentally. He recognised me first and after an effort from his side, I recognised him too.

He's somewhat the "Bihari type."

I have to explain that to you. For all your harsh lampooning the "Bihari types", you'd still feign ignorance.

Okay, Bihari types do not gel their hair. They aren't scented, and they do not speak English without fumbling.

But, that's only half it. They are less sophisticated; they do not share the "I-Care-a-Damn" mindset; and they certainly are less diplomatic- which is a polished usage for being unscrupulous.

And yeah, they don't ask you to split bills in restaurant, even when you need to pay only a couple of hundreds. They bear it themselves.

XXX

Manglore.
Will I like it?

I'm told I'd love it for its scenic beauty..
Then? Will I be getting both a job, and rich landscapes to retire into?