(April 30, 1:10pm)

Is it that he doesn't know I have unfriended him.. Or is it that he doesn't even bother to react?

He said I was his brother..

XXX

Anyway..

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(April 27, 1:16am)

I unfriended this person from Facebook tonight.. it was a quick decision.. There was something that I thought was unnerving, and wittingly, I didn't allow me any time to what could be perhaps a more pragmatic reaction..

In friendship, there cannot be any scope for pragmatism.. that's more suited in a profit-obsessed alliance... where business strategies and not compassion guide the show..

If there's a person who is hurting you, or belittling your importance, there's simply no friendship there..

XXX

But our hearts and our minds love illusion, and usually not recognise the obvious.. In some sense, it's called for too.. since when you recognise the obvious, the illusion is then necessarily replaced by grief and heart-ache..

XXX

I feel the same quietness tonight, which I felt many years ago when I banished this former Goddess from my life.. tore her photo, my possession of over 15 years at that time, into numerous little pieces, and blown them off from my 7th floor window..

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But then, I guess this quietness, though it is more harrowing and intense, is meaningful.. there's no point carrying on something which is neither spontaneous nor genuine..

Life has, if anything, taught me to handle grief, hence I know I will overcome it.. In the last ten years, i guess there would be only 20 to max 30 days a year when mumma and i would be adequately talking.. or sharing experiences..

XXX

So, if i handled that loneliness, that inexplicable and dehumanising solitude, I can handle this one too.. If the Gods do not want me to remain accompanied, what possibly can I do?

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Anyways...

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It's okay..

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I think I should delete this blog too... Let there be complete anonymity, if there cannot be any durable company..

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And that's Sarah did too.. right? So, I guess that would be better.. anyway.. it's good actually.. the more poignant your life, the more deceptions you receive, the better writer you become.. grief is essential component of becoming a compelling writer.. so it's okay!

XXX

(April 24, 9:15pm)

When there was this other Goddess... in those ten years since grandmum died, I used to accuse her of everything, whenever there were such times..

I don't do this with this Goddess... the present one.. before whose idol, the diyas are alight now.. like every evening, since that horrid day of September 2010...

XXX

(April 24, 8:58pm)

With this, everything will wither away.. the hopes, the trust, the inspiration to not give up..

It took me one and a half years to put on the 9 kgs of weight that I lost overnight, upon muma's death... and ten years, to find again the 'content' in my face and in my eyes, that were dead when grandmum  was dead!

XXX

Im still struggling with my amnesia, and other ailments too.. which I have not discussed over here..

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The song is about a pining, abandoned person, yearning deeply for love.. and by which I certainly do not mean the desire for physical intimacy..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcND7ur9gPQ

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(April 24, 8:39pm)

Another day without food... the maids did not come, and I had neither the strength nor the inspiration to cook.. have got something parcelled... but will not eat.

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I just feel like listening to this.. if you could understand the language, you would know why... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcND7ur9gPQ

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(April 24, 1:13pm)

... and I foolishly believed I had overcome my depression...

In the last 10 years, or more recently in the last one and a half years, I had been without depression for not more than two months at a stretch..

So when this time the desperate feel didn't come back after Jan first week, I thought it was permanently over.. Sadly it is not..

XXX

(April 23, 10:07pm)

The khichri (mix of rice and lentils) got burnt.. After long, long time I was watching the Ganges flow.. and the moon, the stars, the same constellations of them..

And didn't quite wish to run to the kitchen!

XXX

(April 23, 9:50pm)

The maids are gone for some wedding... and so I didnt have any food today.. except half of a masala dosa, which I had had while out for work..

My mood is such that I didn't cook anything at all.. there were some water melon, which i thought would be enough.. but feeling very weak... and disturbed!

XXX

(April 23, 9:40pm)

Feeling very lonely..

There would be such times earlier too.. when muma and I wouldnt be talking.. these last years.. when her mindless charities and expenses would land us in trouble..

And seeing that she would neither admit it nor make any promise of not repeating it, i would stop talking..

XXX

Looking at the Ganges from behind the window panes would follow.. long ones.. I would just watch the river flow.. and look at the moon, the stars, often constellations of them..

Thinking I was the most unhappy child.. and wishing there were grandmom still around to check my mum's ways..

XXX

But now, when the long sessions of solitude are still there, but muma not there, I realise I was in better position then..

Though she would keep her locked in her room, and there wouldn't be any talking, at least her presence was there.. and so long that presence was there, hopes were there... even false hopes can sustain you miraculously, I now realise in their absense!

XXX

And as I said, this friend is acting strange and indifferent..
He cut my phone too..

XXX

(April 23, 9:19pm)

Everything seems gloomy...
and aimless..

That's reflecting in my face too... There's something strange.. when Im happy, it seems like I have put a lot of weight.. I look rounder and bright..

But when Im sad, I look just as much thin suddenly... my eyes and everything turn pale and devoid of hope.. and I cannot eat at all.. like Im not able to eat at all, the last few days..

XXX

Muma said it happens with those who are sensitive..

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This friend is acting strange and indifferent..

XXX

(April 20, 9:20pm)

My Special Report on why Pakistan, despite a six-decade anti India rhetoric, can make for an important, strategic partner!

http://www.thesundayindian.com/en/story/the-smell-of-money/24/33639/

XXX

(April 19, 9:14pm)

Ok, I wouldn't tell you that I had been very busy ever since I returned, and hence couldn't blog.. you already know I blog even when Im over-worked..

So, yes.. I was disheartened.. only that this time I was not wanting to share it over here.... everybody will leave me one day? or will some people not? This bothers me such a lot!

XXX

Like this Kashmiri friend.. or these three family friends too? S**ah left me.. even though for years she had been as close to me as N***r is now...

But then I cant accuse her really.. she herself was assailed on all sides so badly.. and I guess anonymity rather than our friendship seemed to her more comfortable..

XXX

Naz** called me four times since yesterday... when suddenly everything once again turned gloomy... like the capricious waves of the sea... which can devour up everything, just when everybody thought the sea was placid...

Anon 99 says Im wasting my talent... little does he/she know that, in fact, in order that I make best use of it, I am trying to overcome all gloom...

And I think I have been reasonably successful too.. that old, unhappy look is now not so apparent on my face and in my eyes..

XXX

In fact in February, Mr K* Krishna****y, my old professor, gladly remarked on one of my FB pics.. "Good to see a different Anando... Happy and lively"...

But then, the more I fight my adversities, the more they multiply in numbers... anyway, right now Im more perturbed thinking, what if the Kashmiri friend too becomes suddenly adverse.. like Anon 99 became..

XXX

That would be disheartening... but then, by rule, he has to become adverse.. like, as I said, Anon 99 did become adverse...

XXX

Okay, something on the work front... although Im holidaying here, a very important special story, which explores possibilities of India-Pakistan ties post Zardari visit, comes out tomorrow in print...

Will upload as soon as possible..
Keep watching the space!

XXX

(April 14, 9:16am)

A very Happy Bengali New Year, to all of you!

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(April 13, 8:45pm)

Reached home :D :D

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(April 12, 9:43pm)

After interviewing Wajahat Habibullah, Chairman, National Commission for Minorities in India..

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(April 10, 12:22pm)

Every Killing Wait gets Over!!!!

And so, here's the Queen coming back..

Madhuri Dixit signs Dedh Ishqiya.. it's Official!!

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She'd be playing Shahi Begum, a village seductress who fishes men with her "adaa" and "shayari" and uses them for her evil designs!

Now that's killing exciting!

XXX

(April 9, 3:11pm)

She still reads my blog.. I wrongly believed she doesn't anymore..

And I haven't given out clues, so stop guessing!

XXX

(April 6, 8:21pm)

Don't think if I'm not blogging, it is because it has lost it's glamour for me.. work is killing, and then I have this resignation thing shaping up differently..

After I declined boss's offer of transfer to Patna on reduced pay (which was his way of not letting me go altogether), he's come up with another interesting offer..

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I could be, if I so choose, either of freelancer or retainer for them.. if I choose to be the latter they would ensure rewards that "will be agreeable", plus I could do stories as I wished, without bindings!

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He has called me home tomorrow again..

Meanwhile, Im leaving for home on 13th.. it's an evening flight which would get me home the same night..

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14th, I guess I told you earlier, is Bengali New Year Day! Will make sure it's a good one this time..

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Between, I interviewed Mehbooba Mufti (Jammu and Kashmir opposition leader) today... she was generous and willing to talk.. we talked for actually above 25 minutes.. if we also include the exchange of pleasantries!

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Meanwhile, Media Watch production is in full swing.. I have to also complete two more assignments before I leave on 13th..

One an India-Pakistan story, for which I have already interviewed Mufti and Wajahat Habibullah (Chairman, Minorities Commission who has also been in important diplomatic positions).. and the other one on water privatisation.. for which Im trying my luck with Union Minister for Water Resources, Pawan Bnasal!

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So the pressure is understandable, i guess!

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