(Aug 30, 11:32am)

I was talking to a Mangalore journalist yesterday... she was the flat mate of my ACJ colleague working with me in The Hindu there..

She thinks I have done good work in the year.. I replied no matter the work profile, I am depressed...

I told her, if she remembered the stories I did in Kashmir... the ones based on case studies... detailed stories done over days, weeks... That's how I like doing things..

I want to work in conflict regions, exploring human life in difficult circumstances, and giving them a platform to be heard in some way..

She said she very much liked those stories from Kashmir, and wondered what had been stopping me..

I could still go and do that all over again, she suggested.. Taking a decision now is easier; five years down the line many other factors would be at work, she told me..

XXX

The other day, while at lunch with Britain's Deputy Prime Minister who visited India, I got clicked...

The first one in five months, since I joined IANS...

I had apprehensions it wouldn't be a good click.. Since March, I have worked incessantly and had not been eating well... since I do not have a fridge, I cannot store non veg food...

I have been surviving on breads in the morning, a non-inviting, not nutritious office lunch, and a plain dal-rice I cook when I return from work at 9:30pm...

XXX

Of-course, I knew my looks have been deteriorating.. But it was all evident when I finally got clicked... The pic, which I somehow still used as DP on facebook, was just not okay..

The flaws were glaring.. To begin with, I looked lean... not unexpected, but disappointing yet... Then my hair too was not proper..

But here, I shouldn't be upset.. actually the man in Javed Habib is trying a different style, which will show only after 4-5 sessions..

The smile was a big let down.. and I will tell you why... first of all, there was this whole lack of practice.. Earlier I was getting clicked every second day.. I knew exactly what would look good on a snap...

How much of a smile, what kind of a smile, everything... the lack of practice meant the smile didn't look spontaneous.. and then, because my face muscles around the cheek have sunken, the smile didn't shape up well...

Anyways, coming to the body language again, the same lack of practice did the spoilsport.. the poise was no comparison to the snaps I took in Cardiff... hmm...

XXX

Anyway, all that would be corrected... I always have remedies... not because I am a genious... Trust me, God always have remedies hidden in discomforts... We just need to look around, collate our strength, and put up a fight..

Between, I forgot to tell you, the eyes too looked dull...No, I don't have dark circles, but somehow there was not any gleam either..

XXX

So basically, I need a refrigerator..So that I would have proper food.. A slower pace at work too is needed..

XXX

(Aug 24, 11:38pm)

Kashmir now seems like a memory... Clear, delightful... but distant... Till quite some time after I returned from the valley in February, I would feel I was still there..

The people, their voices, the group of friends.. the everyday chores in the biting cold of the winter, it all seemed very recent and near..

Now, there's suddenly a feeling that it is bygone... after all so many months have passed... election months which were full of work... and the summer heat..

When will I be back in Kashmir.. I miss Kashmir so much!

XXX

(Aug 18, 12:13pm)

I think I'd be going Patna in Sep third week.. I have to get the tickets done... But how unlucky that I will be missing Dushehra this time around...

Actually, muma's death anniversary rituals will be taking place on 23rd... I could have taken a 15 day leave and not stayed until Vijaya Dashami was over on 3rd..

My probation is completed on 24th of September.. But I'm told the formalities may take longer.. which means I will be having a maximum of three compensatory offs and two CLs...

I will have to come back to Delhi in the very middle of Navaratri.. Sad!

XXX

(Aug 12, 10:36am)

I covered the BJP National Council Meet the other day.. It was a good, day-long experience...

Very hectic, but then when you are doing what you had seen other scribes do on TV hitherto, it feels ok..

It was the first time I saw all the tall BJP leaders together on a dais.. Individually, I had seen most of them before, barring the prime minister..

I was satisfied with the reports I filed at the end of it, though I thought if I had been working for a newspaper, I would have done better.. Since there would be more time..

XXX

I plan to go home in September... I think I will have to miss Durga Pooja... My probation gets over on Sep 24, but by the time formalities are over and I am alotted my share of leaves, it will be end of Oct..

Before that, I can avail a maximum of six-day leave if I were to club my comp offs, CLs, and weekly holiday together..

But I can't take that during DP.. I will be taking that before it, as I have to do mumma's annual death anniversary rituals on third week of Sep.. Let's see!

XXX

(Aug 7, 11:20pm)

Fifty-one page views in one day!

This mood-enhancing thing happened today.. seems finally my blog is restoring the stats it once commanded..

Many of you would say I am deriving pride in this, and that this is silly...

Frankly, pride to me is very closely linked to esteem and is based acutely on the humility and rightfulness of my own conduct.. besides the ability to exhibit grace in difficult circumstances..

So no, there's no element of pride here..

But yes, we do take some merriment out of small things sometimes.. It is one of those.. and for me who wishes to be an author and commercially successful, these are little indicator.. trifle ones as they are, though..

XXX

I went for K Natwar Singh's book launch today... It was interesting... Singh is sharp... and agile.. To me, any ageing man who retains his nimbleness is a good example...

It fills me with a pleasant realisation that every age has its hue, and we all can make that more wonderful!

I wanted him to ask one question in the q/a session.. It would have been a considerable one..

"Had you not fallen out with Sonia Gandhi, would you ever leak that her renunciation of the PM's post was not driven by her inner voice as she famously claimed? Would you ever tell the world it was overridden by an adamant son who feared his mother's safety?"

It would have been interesting to note what he would say.. Probably, it could have made to page 1..

Sadly, I was in a crowd in the over-filled auditorium and not visible to the moderator perhaps..

XXX

(Aug 4, 11:19pm)

After a long time, my blog stats hit 400 plus in one month... which means, my stats have become good again after I started writing frequently in the last one month..

My blog stats had fell to an all time low of 250 approx ever since I returned from Kashmir and stopped writing... I can't be blamed though... There was this new job...

And there were elections.. besides, I am not exactly comfortable.. I need a better place.. and since I do not have a refrigerator I am not having good, self-cooked non-vegetarian food.. I feel listless often..

XXX

There was a time when my blog would have 800-900 views a month.. It was a huge hit.. so many people followed it...

Now I have a feeling, while I still have regular followers, they are a new bunch.. many old guards have stopped visiting..

Though few of them do visit here, which I can sense..

Does Anon 99 visit? Does Anon 99 think anything of me now, whether good or bad.. Or am I now immaterial?

XXX

(Aug 1, 12:07am)

The weather is fine in the evening now.. Days are humid but you can bear...

I might be interviewing the Libyan ambassador tomorrow... It will be a busy day, but then I have an off on Saturday.. and Sunday, although I would be at office, there wouldn't be too much to do..

XXX

I had a very lovely Eid... I was told by my bureau chief I could take an off.. and that was good, since I realised later that had it not been an off, I wouldn't be able to greet my friends adequately..

I had whole bunch of people to greet this Eid... as I had been in Kashmir for quite some time, and with some families, I had grown closer... and in some cases, with their extended families too..

It was lovely connecting to them... it felt as if I too was in Kashmir.. with them.. making merry.. they are very different people.. far from formal.. and yet, their intimacy doesn't make you feel odd.. far from it.. it makes you feel happy..

I used to stay near the Hazratbal shrine while in Kashmir.. A**i* sent me quite a few pics of the place.. it was buzzing with activity... and beautifully decorated.. Wish I was there too..

XXX

Even in the evening, I had long conversations on the phone... I now have two very dear brothers there.. one my all time best freind and brother N****.. and the other one, a TV actor, who I made friends with last time..

He was N****'s friend.. Then there were so many colleagues to wish.. from the English weekly I worked with there, and other people from the fraternity..

It was a nice time!

XXX