(December 31, 11:37 pm)

Not bidding you adieu, 2010.
You'll be more than just etched in my heart.

And trust me, not on the doleful notes..for, i haven't lost anything under your serene skies...there's merely been transition..Love has transformed..Love has ripened..Love has draped itself from one hue and another..

But like breather,
but like warmth,
it walks with me as the affirming flame!

XXX

(December 31, 4:37 pm)

By now, we'd have left for the last minute shopping.
And come back only at 8:30...benumbed in the cold of the winter night..

XXX

I have no ideas when wud mumma sleep on 31st..after i was done with the idiot box, and had buzzed up friends, she'd still be in kitchen..

XXX

She'd give me things to taste,
and then prompt for feedbacks..

XXX

(December 31, 1:08 pm)

I thought i'd be too depressed over the year end.
Im not..

May be im counting too much on the plans i've made...why shouldn't i?? when i've asked Gods to ordain it, why there be scepticism at all?

Faith is chaste.
There cannot be misgivings in faith.

XXX

House would be mess around this time..cut and uncut vegetables replacing the unlaid carpets for a while..kitchen already turned into a grocery..and you hopped for space in the living room...the furnitures were being re-arranged...before something more urgent occupied the attention of the lady of the house...and her help...the fridge, too..sweets and other stuffs all cramming out.."spare the centre table, im gonna read magazines." "Then where do you suppose i stuff the meat-balls?" "Why have you put those hoard of clothes in my bed.." "They need to be ironed." "You could have given them to laundry." "Those are delicate fabrics."

"stop nagging now..why dont you help me and Malti?"
"Hello, Im the birthday, boy!"

"Thats next year honey."

XXX

Tommorow is next year. If it were the past, id suddendly scream out: "Mumma.....Om uncle....We haven't invited them yet."

"We'll drop there from the cake shop."

XXX

"that would be so nice. We'll also get pastries for happy and tusu."

XXX

(December 30, 8: 15pm)

I have asked bro to get one copy each of all the magazines..i simply adore the new year pull-outs...specially of India Today, Outlook, Week and Filmfare..i even buy the insignificant ones...Like Shukravaar..and then flip through the pages over coffeee...at night...reclining myself in the favorite orange couch in living room.

I'd buy them myself every year..from this pavement vendor, who sits opposite the post-office..it was silly..."why don't you get them from Bholaji (regular newspaper vendor)instead?" mom wouldn't ask me like others.

She knows silly is fun.
She herself does stupid things sometimes.

XXX

One afternoon in July, she returned from the mart with this walker.
"Look, what has somebody brought," i called on bro.."Even if somebody grew old miraculously fastly, somebody wouldn't be needing it before 2020." I nudged the walker and displaced it.

"I arrange in advance," mumma seated herself comfortably in the arm-chair.."Oh yes....except finances." I faked accent, and then with stylish demeanour and artifice care, re-positioned the walker.

XXX

The Gods had arranged it, i realised later.
when mumma actually used it on the 6th..and on the 7th...and then again on 10, 11th and 12th..Nice..The Gods wanted her to remain the lady who walked tall..i dint need to shoulder her...she could help herself with the walker.

XXX

(December 30, 1: 17 pm)

This is that time of the year when you feel the Gods are near,
when the glow of the candle says they are always there.

XXX

Every year, id while away the long afternoons at Archies..The two-storey card house right oposite the Convent..

They sell all kind of accessories...home attractions you'd dote for upon winters...more so, if you are planning to do your house...and some nice chocolates too..

And then, it's such quiet..I simply love the ambiance..They keep good collection of bracelets, too..and the false stones and ivory picks..they go so well with fob-chains..yeah, thats mis-match fashion i know..but try it..it really looks good..

XXX

The father-son duo are suaves..
and that makes me feel more at home..

okay, before you jump into wild inferences,
I guess i need to elaborate a bit..

XXX

Curse me, but the truth is im more comfortable with men and women who are well-bred..and whose subtle demeanours are more by way of family heritage, rather than stolen randomly from this man or that.

But, which is certainly not to say, i despise the lesser-groomed.
I still call the old rickshaw-puller "Kuddusji"..

XXX

But anyway, i was talking about Archies..

XXX

The son is in the mid 30s, and the father, way more handsome at 60..Both are missionary educated..which prompts me into using my best English, whenever we're exchange pleasantries..They respect my choice for being private, and don't pull in a conversation really unless i was willing to talk.

XXX

They were such gracefully consoling the other day in October.. I was wearing those kurtas..and slippers..and looked totally disheveled...But like every gentleman should do, they didn't give me the feeblest hint that my appearance hadn't gone unnoticed..

Apurva told me later they quizzed him politely about what had happenned, when i was upstairs..

XXX

When i had first met them during std 8th, i thought they were proud..like people think im proud..because people give the word "reserved" little big miss...always..

But right now, Im missing ARCHIES.
The new year collection is such fabulous there.

XXX

(December 29, 5:41 pm)

I have successfully kept depression at bay.
For last two weeks actually.

But that is not to say im cured of it totally..I can't..however hard i may try..so im focussing to cure my circumstances instead..

XXX

(December 29, 1 pm)

"Where are those happy days,
they seem so hard to find...

I try to reach for you,
but you have closed your mind."

XXX

"When you're gone, how can i even try to go on?
When you're gone, though i try how can i carry on?"

-Mamma Mia

XXX

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnxpnOf9dxQ
(Best part, 1:14 seconds to 1:40 seconds
and 0:14 seconds to 0:40 seconds)

XXX

"You seem so far away,
though you are standing near.
You made me feel alive,
but something died i fear!"

XXX

(December 29, 12:02 pm)

I just realised what a comfort my blog is...it gives me solace, it gives me company...it bears me up in distress...

i'd be so alone without it!

(December 28, 7:44 pm)

I've so many situations in mind, that it's really difficult to decide which one to pick.

My short story has to be a simple rendering of one of these situations..These are mere instances,not issues..i'll just talk about some moments..ones that happen to you and i so often...but without our really noticing them..or may be we notice them, but do not take time out to muse upon them....perhaps they are just too little things...or perhaps, we are too unaware that there could be beauty in little things too..

XXX

Okay, a dry new year day awaits me in office.
And i cant help that really.

But i do have the plans..The year can unfold whichever way it wants, but ill certainly drive it my way soon...I'll have it "re-arranged."

XXX

Sooner actually.

XXX

(December 27th, 4:05 pm)

I just booked my flight for Patna.
i'll be boarding from Bangalore on 11th.

And im home the same evening, via Kol..

XXX

Heard Madhuri's been approached for Heera Mandi....Sanjay Bhansali has planned a ride to Pakistan's most infamous brothel.. and he's keen on Madhuri doing one of the hawkers...

Now this one sounds really captivating!

XXX

(December 26, 1:36 pm)

Last Sunday of this decade.
If i were home, i've had plans to unwind.

I always have plans.
and i work them out too.

XXX

Madhuri is playing her cards rather well!
First the show, and now four endorsements in a row..
plus good publicity for effect.

music launches, chat shows, new year events- she's there all!
She's stooping for gimmicks too..com'on, shahrukh invading her in her show, and kissing her can't be by itself!

Good.
Pretty good.

XXX

I too know the craft.
To reinvent in bleak situations.

Geeta ma'am, who noticed it, had told me over convocation: "I'll remember you as the boy who had the right things to tell at the right moment."

XXX

I've worked out on the re-arrangement amply.
But i need some sort of a starter.

Gods, be quicker pls!

XXX

(December 24, 5:35 pm)

Who is ANON 99?
why does he/she still read my blog?

I mean, you see its not saucy anymore.
and i genuinely thought, like others, anon must have had had stopped long before.

XXX

What does that suggest?
why he/she wants me change the color of my blog.

Does he/she want me happy...and perhaps more hopeful..
why remain just anonymous then?

and why i bothering?
do i want her/him be friends..i mean, i was even trying the new templates the other day...and i also left a message id be taking my time..

XXX

(December 24, 5:11 pm)

"2011 will be a very happy year for you, and you will have many laughs and good times!"

Will the FB predictions come true indeed?

XXX

Bro's b'de today. Im missing it the first time.
There were some arrangements at home, in place of the usual bashes.

I made it a point to rise at 7 today..My co-tenant was left gasping. "You're going to some temple, right?" he asked in disbelief.

XXX

Id be working on both X-mas and my b'de on 1st.

XXX

(December 23, 4:54 pm)

It was December 23, 1992..I was young...very young..
but, the memories are clear like marbles..

Since the Gods knew our days were numbered, they bestowed me with sharp memory. They needed to prove they were kind.

XXX

The Babri had just been pulled down, and anticipating the riots, we had left our sprawling cottage-house in Sultanganj, and moved to this place where Muslim population was thin..

Grandmum had tough time convincing mumma, since even her personal tailor and the tax consultant were muslims..

XXX

I despised the house...but since it offered me a view of the main road, from where i could keep a watch for mumma to return, i had agreed it as periodic arrangement..

XXX

So, there i was in the terrace that afternoon, standing under the radiant sun.."Look its approaching four now, she said she'd come by 2," I told my brother, with whom i had played the ludo and hide and seek many times already...and left with no innovations now, had decided to just kill time, looking at the street below..

XXX

Every year, after our schools had closed for winters on December 3rd or 4th, we counted the days for 23rd to arrive..Mumma's last working day!

And with bro's b'de the next day, she'd hurriedly come back from college, dress us up, get us a brunch, and we'd be off shopping...we bought the jackets, we bought the shoes..pairs of denims, santa caps, wind-cheaters..gloves and mufflers to match..story books, toys..the cake, the meat-balls...the list would be endless, because mumma, before she'd come to pick us, would have encashed whatever was left in her bank that day..

XXX

23rd December 1992.
Bro still was waiting for mumma.

XXX

But, I was waiting for the culprit.

XXX

Brightness slowly began to dull, and despair set in like some unsought guest..i was more and more sure she had failed us. Yeah, she'd turn up, but without the money.

Grannie had just told us how we were in for a crisis..how Mumma had first squandered everything, her arrears, her deposits, her NSCs...then indulged in relentless charity..and this magnanimity as if so intoxicating, she hadnt even bothered to draw salary between..

XXX

So unless there was some bounty of magic, we would not have any money for the year end.. Her salary would come only on Jan 2nd, when the university reopened..

Fingers crossed, we waited.
We prayed.
We implored upon the Gods to be kinder..
Else bro's birthday would be wasted.
Even Xmas.
My b'de too, which coincided on New Year.

XXX

But she would not turn up. "Why is she taking so late. Is her salary credited. Why did she have to go looking for it the last day. why dint she draw it three months? And why did she spent all her money away?" I asked irritatingly.

"May be it's credited," bro suggested, not willing to give up.

"In that case she'd have come already."

"May be she is shopping," he tried to reason.

"Without us? No way." I dismissed.

XXX

And then with careless abandon to how it might upset him, asked him again, "Will she come?"

"Not again," he stooped me midway.

"Will she..."

"Will she what," this time he didnt beat around the bush, "She is not dead. Nobody dies just suddenly. But if you believe she has, do it all to the Goddess, please."

XXX

He left.

XXX

I felt better. His outburst had somehow convinced me she was not dead. So i was back the tyrant again. Awaiting the culprit.

XXX

It was a long wait.
The sun God said he'd send the moon to befriend.

XXX

XXX

XXX

From the crossing, she appeared like spring.
And the grace in her walk, undid all the wrongs that were done.

XXX

Who'd say she had been so long into the 40s...
Except the laugh lines, perhaps.
But, they appeared only when she laughed tumultuously.

XXX

She did rarely.

XXX

She was wearing pure-silk saree.
It was finest silk. Grannie's testimony to mumma's indulgence.

XXX

The story goes that in the late 1960s, decent pure silks were available for Rs 120. The classy ones came for 200. But if you were the type who wanted the bride-hunters do talking, you wore a 300..to upset would-be brides, a 350...and to let the men gasping, a 500.

And upon such times, i am told, mumma had bought this sari for 900.
Even professors were paid 800 then, aunts had added.

XXX

To be continued....

Am i under some jinx?

First, this bank doesnt activate my account...which is why my salary was sent back to Chennai..and now when the headquarters issues me a fresh cheque, i see my name is mis-spelt..

Lets see if ICICI still credit it..

XXX

(December 21, 5:39 pm)

Im thinking of subjects for my short story.
It has to be a simple one.

I believe short stories are more like potraits. You do not really need to ornament things, to make the proatagonist speak..Even a slight contraction of the temples could be powerful communication..

XXX

The other day i was reading about this woman, who had to ampute her breast. It was a simple rendering of her agony. Minus inverted mournings or any elaboration on the travails of surgery.

It was just about the woman pushing herself against the bed..tightly....emphatically...as if that would hide her 'pride' which was undone..the husband was preparing for office silently..

I liked it. I too think and write on similar veins. And similar situations. I hope i can craft it well too....for the Commonwealth event..

XXX

(December 20, 5:05 pm)

Yes, i'll do change the color of my blog.
sooner than later.

But, ill take my time.
It shouldn't be cosmetic exercise.

XXX

(December 20, 4:55 pm)

I fixed it finally..
For Nishat Sir..
who's everybody's my-dear!

XXX

Now i need to get some important contact nums for him.
I hope im able to do that too.

XXX

All our comp-offs and leaves will lapse this year.
"They" are so happy about it..schemeing machines.

Poor me. Poor M*****i.

XXX

I went to KSRTC again...hoping to book the bus this time surely..luckily the agent understood Hindi fairly well, and he was not nearly as stupid like this other man that day...but, smart people act smart too...he just wouldn't bargain..

XXX

Tomorrow, ill try luck at Lal Bagh..
heard they are less pricey.

XXX

Once again Xavier friends are helping me out...in this "re-arrangement"...which is like a must, if i have to restore faith and hope again..lets see...the ACJ girl is trying her best too...

XXX

Im totally broke...my salary is released, but not credited yet..seems the bank just isn't wanting to activate my account..

can you imagine i've only 300Rs to spare?
and that too borrowed stuff...

XXX

Should i change the colour of my blog?

The Gods can be unbelievably kind sometimes.
(ain't they supposed to be always?)

After i thought i had squandered the day, happiness befell me, like magically...Firstly, since i got reminded of it before twilight, i cud at least have dinner outside...and second, my cook surprised me with delicious carrot halva...which he had prepared unsolicited.

During day-time again, though i dint really remember it was December 16th, i had been unwinding at City Centre and Ihad taken my day off too...

XXX

Hope they are just as generous otherwise too!

XXX

Im having hell of a time arranging the bus for Nishat Sir..he's cumin to Mangalore for the depri tour...n i gotta fix accomodation n all...

so today i meet this idiot..

"4 Jan ko station se pick up karna hai aur Laila tak jaana hai?"
"ho sakega?"
"pura bus chahiye."

I ask him only after finding out he follows Hindi, and his agency give buses for hire.

"Haan." He nods blankly.

"Haan?" I happily repeat to myself...believing the deal would be done...and imagining an overwhelmed Nishat Sir patting me for the good work..

"okay to apne malik se baat karao...rate wagera kya loge?" I speed it up. And thats what everydbody else does when things are shaping up.

"Kab jaana hai?" he enquires only more blankly.

"4 ko jaana hai aur 9 ko lautna hai." I obediently answer. He's my key to pleasing Nishat sir..and anyways, id genuinely like to help him out too..

"Haan."

"Sui atak gayi hai kya," I chewed the words and composed myself again, "Haan, to baat karwao.."

"Kidhar jaana hai?"

"Bola to Laila jana hai.." My patience is slowly giving up.

"Haan."

"Haan to apne malik se baat karwao."
"Haan haan kya laga rakha hai." Im all heated up under the collar.

"Kab lautna hai?"

"4 ko station se laila jaana hai...9 ko udhar se mangalore lautna hai!" I say it all again. Louder. Less faster. And with my unblinking eyes fixed upon his.

"Haan."
This time he smiles at me too.

Bloody.
I left the place.

XXX

(December 16, 7:05 pm)

Oh shit....i forgot its 16th December..i just wasted the day...i dint do any of the things i usually do on 16th..every year...in december...okay i wudn't be celebrating this time anyway...but...at least i could have remembered the day...nyways, the night is still young...and its good that i remembered before the day was altogether gone..

(December 15, 8:15 pm)

I dreamed her again...yesterday some acjians come to make merry at my place..n while they go on a high and try out all the fun n pranks, mumma is on her own in the reading room...absorbed in a book..

I was fretting, what if she reacted..she was strict...and though she wasnt a spoil-sport, these people were really too loud..

The night before she opened the doors for me..i had just returned home...she taught me how to do the desserts...among them, her favourite jelly..

XXX

(December 15, 5:45 pm)

Facebook applications are so true!

The other day i tried the one on marriage..and the outcome was genuine actually....it read "never."

"you're too stubborn, and wouldn't find anybody to put up with your cranky self."

Ahem ahem...the first thing i did was to delete the post, of-course...im sure few girls would like to have different ideas...on FB..why deprive myself of their kindness?

XXX

But somewhere even i have begun to sense i wont get married...yesterday a my-dear school-teacher quizzes me on that...i told her marriage's not in card for next ten years..she was baffled..what's wrong with you, she asked..

XXX

Even when i thought id get married, i had planned it just as late...at 33-34...i have seen when ppl marry early, they grow old just as early too...may be they just lose the zest to dress up...do their hairs..or look immaculate...at least id not want to be such grandpa at 55?

Mumma was so youth-like at even 60...
for, she became a mother at only 40..

XXX

But, now its more than just the timing....i guess i won't find anybody at all..and then i don't see marriage as a requisite really...i mean if i marry, it has to be because i want to marry...and not because i need to marry..like you need to study, as you need the degrees..you need to work, as you need the trash to survive...

But then i'll have to find sbd i can love eternally...sbd i can renounce the world for...renounce also its ways..and much less the gifts that follow...when you toe the ways..

It has to be intense..so far i haven't loved anybody that stimulatingly i guess...except mumma and grannie..or may be madhuri dixit..

XXX

Between, i dont agree with the adjective...cranky is too harsh you see...and then..seriously...im not..

its just that im too independent...and i have a way of doing things..i like perfection...and i guess i de-prioritise everything else in order to perfectify..

may be that puts people off sometimes...and then, when you're good at your work, you're really not likely to get friends too easily..

XXX

So what do i do...no wife, alright...but no children, not alright...but how do i have children if i dont have a wife...no, no, im not inciting you for crappy humour...you see, im a right conservative..so id really not do things that i secretly condemn...

okay, i can adopt a baby..and bring it up..but then, its India..ppl wud talk crap..they will have fun...they will amuse themselves discussing my testosterone..

you know what i mean...i cant even do things that i like to do..because there's something like this society...and then there's this job...

I think ill have to re-arrange it all...but of-course the gods will have to will it first..im praying everyday...

XXX

(December 14th, 6:50 pm)

Between,
it's three months today!

(December 14th, 5 pm)

Im suffering from depression again....acute one...I don't feel like turning up for work....or do the things i like to do...

Actually, i want to do things i like doing...but can't find a way out....from this job, which is mostly humdrum...

but, i have to live somehow...and survive....because that is what religion tells you to do....it tells you life is beautiful...use it...actually, utilise it...it reassures the Gods are everwhere there...wanting to guide you...wanting to help you...

XXX

If i were marxist, id denounce that...id have the liberty to say, "ALL CRAP" when i dint feel them...or when i felt them, but didn't see them responding!

But im no marxist...so i guess id believe in the gods....mom doesnt like marxists...though she admires marx...

XXX

Sometimes i feel, i shud love evrything that mom loves...that would testify my love for her..but except the Congress, of-course....cant love the Congress for even mumma's sake...

XXX

Anyway, i was talking about life...i have to live, because religion tells me so..dying is sin...dying is coward...the wise reciprocate the thought..

So i come to office...and i live...Ocassionally i look at the gods and ask them to rearrange it all....but sorry...can't elaborate here more...its kinda private...though, i guess nobody reads my blog these days...the punch is missing...the punch which once lured a whole army of acjians into reading it....among them anon 99, anon defender, anon polished.

XXX

Anyway they are all living happily in there own worlds...and i wish them all the very best...without knowing them actually...

but how does it matter, anyway...i have to live...i have to come to office...and i have to earn and feed myself too..

May be i'll just leave this place..and move somewhere more meaningful..

XXX

(December 10, 5:15pm)

Mr M, mom's faithful aide in the university, rings up the other day...and says the suit we had filed in the HC, had reached them already....the uni has been asked to reply in six weeks..

XXX

He was happy the LE petition had come to him...and he also promised- unsolicited- of drafting such replies that would help release it early..

And though the gratuity suit wasn't likely to come to him, he said, he'd influence ppl to step up things there....

XXX

He always helped mumma....who, in return, would bless him in kind or otherwise...but there was more to just business there...

If it were business alone, he'd not have bothered any longer...now that mumma's "gone."

XXX

But he does.
So many others do.

The MMC ex-princi, who's mostly known as snob, does too.
Even the grocer.

XXX

Such's been mumma...surrounded always with doting friends....she made friends easily...ppl wanted to company her, and support her....and learn from her...they admired her for her art, for her erudition...for grace, for courage, for endurance.....for everything!

unlike me, who doesn't have too many friends really.
who can't make friends too easily either.

And, who, though he can write well and make his mark, lacks those subtleties....at least that erudition...and that knowledge and appreciation of arts that separate the classy from mundane..yes, i have her genes, and hence have inherited some of it surely....but that's not really cultivated i guess..

XXX

Will I ever be her?

Loved.
Admired
Sought-after.

XXX

(December 9, 1 pm)

I had been wondering all along how do I not dream her anymore. Or is it that i do, and then forget?

I realise, I forget.

XXX

When I am awakened from my erratic sleep night before yesterday, I recall I had just dreamed about her....she was there...bestowing love...beaming her affection...perhaps caressing me in my sleep....like she would do when we weren't talking to each other...

XXX

like some zephyr of love clasping me fondly...and gently...as if I were a baby....and this indulgence encouraging me to banter....before the day broke and everything else, including the stars and the moon, were undone!

XXX

This time I remembered it, though..
thanks to the troubled sleep which hadn't benumbed my senses.

XXX

Does this happen every night?

XXX

There are at least four occasions that I remember. The first one was few days after September 14th.. And the second one, which was twice more distinct and twice more pleasant, was perhaps a few days later..

The third happened sometime around Durga Puja i guess...she had taken me for a day out this time... And it can't be mere strolling into the past... For, I remember telling her how the waters didn't scare me anymore.... around the Gangetic plains, where we walked along leisurely..."Since I had the bath there....on Ghat Krama," I told her when she asked me since when.

The fourth was on the quiet Diwali night...she greeted me...and blessed me...and took out the gifts she had brought for me..

XXX

Last deepawali I was away from home...At ACJ... She had called me up and suggested I go out with friends...did I have any?

She told me she'd credit a 500 in my account.. Which, of-course, was meagre to the many thousands that were there already...

she had sensed I wasn't all that brimming with excitement....like I would when I was younger...counting the days for that 50 rs...which grandmum gave us on Dushehra.

She thought I had "grown-up"....like my brother and my cousin had grown up...

XXX

And since grown-ups do not have piggy-banks to fill, trifles do not excite them really..

XXX

For me, it does.
It seriously does.

XXX

Sunday: December 5, 1:30pm

I had come to write the Asian games story....in this cafe....about the Udupi girl who did her country proud....despite the hurdles, that life often imposes when one dares to dream, and wishes to realise them too!

Im hardly writing, though...The story is scheduled for the national page..If i dont give it today, i forfiet the chance...and im out of their reckoning too..

XXX

But, the music is too good.....and it harmonises with my present mood...where i date my mom...and myself..

A polish zono mojo!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRgXr7lWSww

The music goads my soul. Into frolic. Into smiles.
It makes me playful.

I don't follow the words...but that tells me, language is merely the tool....the feel is important....and that no boundaries confine...Love gowns itself differently...but the same flame burns in it all!

XXX

the music is pregnant with life....i dont like the gloomy ones...i dont need them either...for, im not seeking oblivion in it...I dont recall the memories...i live them...Ecstaticly!

XXX

I stretch my hands wide, and let the wind caress my face....under the trees...mammoth trees, made denser with leaves...green ones...which remind me of everything that is gay, and young, and ready to frolic with itself....and a carpet of yellow, dead ones too....on the ground, where sun beams kiss it and parleys with it!

But soon my time would be up. I'll have to abruptly come out and sit in that office and work...away from my world...the delectable world of the child who has grown up, but who hasn't stopped his musings!

XXX

I talked to this ACJ girl yesterday...
The one I've known since the interview day.

It was nice experience....Late in the night....I could hear dogs barking around her house, perhaps troubled by the cold.

XXX

She's been sweet.
Although, I need to chop some ACJ memories to infer that.

I'd better chop them though, as I really like her voice.
There's inocence in it.

XXX

I like innocence.
I myself have been innocent.

XXX

How do you qualify to be innocent?

I see commonplace man defining that as how late one gets to learn about "it."..."It" which is a code word for procreation...and the "things" preceding it.

XXX

If we bought this weird parameter, I beleive I still qualify as innocent! As I learnt "it" only at 14.

That was the time, my mom was persuading my uncle to speak about "it."...She was modern... Champion of "it" education at home...Though, not at school.

She believed teachers are not sensitive enough. The present lot...The "it" education, she was worried, would end up being just "it" thing...If not imparted at home!

XXX

Talking bout innocence, I dont always have defensive mechanism to guard myself against...The old-gen would give me 9 on 10, happily...

That's their parameter of inocence.
If you are the victim, you are pious...

that was okay....but strangely, and much to the innocent's peril, they would actually want the innocent to suffer...They want to see him slog...while they get to shed tears!

XXX

There's keen fascination for this..We want the good to always endure...we think if the good is merry, the good becomes mundane...he loses appeal..

So we want him banished, we want him betrayed...That enhances the impact. That enhances his chances to qualify as good. We want a Tyrant to malign him, injure him..while we cry for and champion the good...

So basically we love to hate the Tyrant. And in order to hate, we must find him a subject on whom the wrongs could be done.

The subject is then described as "Good."
aka "Innocent."

XXX

Between, what's my parameter though?

XXX

I guess I'd borrow mom's.
Live happily and be sunshine to others.

It will show.
The innocence.

XXX

I first left "it" for the Gods to bless.
And then mailed "it."

XXX

It will work.
It will bring in the desired luck.

XXX

Because...

XXX

Well, I cant really reason....
I don't need to either.

XXX

Im looking for a men's salon in Mangalore.
A nice one.

I've noticed, over the years, how hair is the most determining factor for my appearance. If it's not good enough, I end up looking diffident... And strangely, I feel diffident. Even become diffident.

XXX

So, Im generally cautioned about doing my hair good enough...and I keep experimenting the pattern..

It has to suit my stature..

XXX

Like a couple of years ago, when I had relatively rotund body, and relatively pulled out cheeks, I let my hair grow to quite few inches...I'd part them in the middle...and pull them right till the centre of my head.. from where it was allowed to fall unto the neck....with some fringes rolling on my ears in layer..

XXX

But, that was then.

As I grew thin, I realised that profile wasn't clicking anymore. I needed to alter the style..So before I came to ACJ, I chopped them off finally....

I adopted this crew profile...which allows my broad forehead to show, thus reducing the thinness....and drawing attention to my eyes more effectively..

XXX

But, I need a good barber to create the impact..I went to this parlour today near Abhimaan Residency.. While staying there, I had spotted the salon many a time.

I proudly lauded myself, telling that I'd become watchful enough.

XXX

Not exactly...When i reach the salon, the security stops me. He indignantly points to the display, right on the glass door.

XXX

"Ladies Only."

XXX

I keep doing things that doctors would like me not to do.
Reminiscing past moments is one of them.

XXX

Okay, there shouldn't be any issues here...

But, Im doing it to extents where the present shrouds into the past.
People want me do it the other way round.

I would not listen...

XXX

So here I am into recalling things passionately.. Almost visualisng them.. Actually, totally...

I become a part of them again...and re-live those moments again...with as much intensity as I must have done when they actually happened!

XXX

Coming back is difficult.
Coming back to the present..which is barren...and hence, discomforting!

XXX

It feels strange.
It feels desperate.

XXX

It becomes uncontrollable.

XXX

But the prelude to it is tempting.
And certainly worth the pain (which folllows).

XXX

Am I losing composure?
which I have so far retained, despite the panic and thousand worries surrounding me, my world......

Well, not at least in appearance or conduct.

But somewhere within, yes...perhaps at some deeper level of consciousness....at the psychic realm, which pertains outside of science....

My mom's been spiritually enlightened......and I have her genes.....

So is it that I am foreboding?
something sinister???

XXX

Logically, I shouldn't.
My work in Mangalore has just picked up pace.....they're welcoming me to write...although I am a sub.. and my Lawyer also rings up and says, he's filed the suit and mumma's dues would soon be granted..

Then?

Perhaps I can attribute this to my tremendous sense of emotional insecurity..Why, but?

I still feel her, she's with me that's the truth....she even answers my calls to find me a house....everything falls in place, as she would have ensured otherwise...So what it is???

Why the disquiet??

Okay, something is missing. Something which can't be restored.
TOUCH.

Touch is important, I realise only now....
But that doesn't define the uneasiness, which is so much more than just physical...

why, why at all?
especially, when I have her still.

You may not believe this, but that's the ultimate truth.
And that's the palpable truth, too.

Then?

May be I am just longing for home....to be around the bed...the room...the side table, where she prepared tea glued to the TV....

Or the books may be, her treasure trove.

But i am mature...i know i'd be there....sometime sooner....why then, the unrest????

And then it's so more emphatic than just unrest....It feels time is racing ahead....everybody else too...I need to catch up pace....I need to start the novels....I need to finish them, need them published...

I have to find my place...have to make my name....rather than just depend on mom's...she's cared for me enough...its time i payed back...making the name... retaining the legacy...of art, of music, of literature.....of everything else that defines class and its sobriety..

which she had...and which's mentioned in the eulogies the university has sent us.. upon her "death."

XXX

I used quotes. Because i don't believe in death, which is alien concept. In Hinduism, the soul lives on. Beyond perish. There's the etheric body...but that's hard to explain in a blog. So let's chuck.

XXX

Will i just end up philistine.....
won't i become her?

A Learned.

XXX

I have to have the name...i can't be a poor copy of a scholar parent. I need recognition. To match up. To qualify as worthy son. I know it's being desperate...or may be ambitious, which anyway, is defined negatively....by the defeatist world...

but i need not buy that...if humankind bought it always, we would not have rome...we would not have renaissance....we would not have the zest to rise up and fight, and ignite our will..and realise them.

we would be mundane.

XXX

But all this needs time, needs patient endeavour.
I am no work-shirker, even foes would admit.

But why can't i be well-timed, too? Why am i not slowing down. I am saving even pennies. To buy a laptop (which my mother had dozens of times offered to buy. And I had refused, nonchalantly..I guess i dont like laptops). I need laptop so that i may write the novels. Make the name. Qualify.

XXX

Why do I open my blog everyday, and then shy away from updating it?
Strange...writing is in blood....why the sudden inhibition, then?

XXX

May be I get too conscious when ppl read my post and laud the effort....May be I'd like them to always pull in the aaccolades.....and perhaps that somehow obstacles the spontaneity...

I think too much.

XXX

Besides, this was one taxing week of house-hunting ....which first left me listless..... and then lugubrious.... at the FAILED outcomes!

XXX

The depression was persistent. The depression was absorbing.
I dint have the 10-months advance, needed to fish a decent lodging...And I won't compromise with my standards either...

So what do I do?
I am born to well-offs.....I must live with dignity...and mumma must, must arrange it!

XXX

"I'd not live in those hostels, sharing my bathroom with 12 ppl.....troubled by mosquitos and tormented with shabby, make-morose ambience," I protested.

XXX

To Mom.
To the Gods.

XXX

And, they answered.
Same evening.

XXX

Amritanshu calls me up and informs, one of his doctor friends need somebody to share his flat immediately...the co-tenant had vacated the place without notice...

XXX

I happily move in.

And guess what....The 2BHK furnished flat, nestled in a nice apartment in nice localitty, with a sprawling mall greeting us ten steps away, charges just INR 3500!

I pay INR 1750....and at another 500, I get a help to do the washing and laundry, and prepare food thrice a day!

XXX

PS: No advance needed; Arvind has been living there five years already...

XXX

And some ppl still want me to "come out of it"
as if, mumma were gone!

XXX

She answered me the same day.
The Gods did too!

XXX

Two Months

(Nov 12, 4pm)

Tommorow is Chhath,
Sun God's festival!

XXX

Mention the name, and a canopy of happy, vibrant memories come to swamp my mood almost immediately..

XXX

Mom would wake us up very early that day.....and which is certainly not to say, at 7 AM....as we decipher the word "early" nowdays...

Sometime, somewhere, the norms were different....I'm taking you to 1990 or sth, when 'early' unambiguosly suggested 'before day-break.'

XXX

The river bed, dotted with old, thatched houses on all sides, and ornated by dense, old trees, which positioned themselves like monuments at every ten steps, was a nature poet's abode!

XXX

And to make it twice as exciting, the sideways swooping into the river would be full of interesting people and pleasing sounds...

Like the urchins, who would, in whining tones, beg for alms...

The fortune tellers, most of them dark, under-nourished girls, who would begulie my thoughts with their caged parrots and pack of cards....both parrot and the girls stained with dust.... and, reading palms in sing song voices to lure us children..

And the bangle sellers, who spread there bright and colourful bangles on the bank...which was cool and moist, and needled with thousands of foot-prints that the "Chhatis" impressed upon them!

XXX

I waited for this imaginative 'daybreak' every year.

XXX

Mom would wake us up at 3AM, and hurriedly give us steam bath..It was festival, hence washing was a must....the rules couldn't be relaxed for even a four-year old...despite the winter having already set in....and despite a biting feel that early November suggested those days!

Mom herself would deck up.....mostly in that dark-magneta South Silk Sari, which, because of the gaudy border she wouldn't otherwise wear!

She looked pretty.

And Chhath was one of those rare occasions, she'd not refuse to apply lipstick or put on some heavy necklace and stuff....

XXX

Other times she'd not relent.....even if I, who insisted on her to always dress up, had been too demanding..

XXX

I remember how, that morning, I'd be horrified by the idea of mom trying a shawl..Well, nowdays even young girls just wrap themselves and come, but ladies, those days- specially mothers with young kids- liked to be superwomen....no shawl, no skiwis until it was December and unbearably cold..

XXX

Mumma was already 41 when I arrived........and the arithmetic would become only more glaring if she used the shawl. I thought.

XXX

Mom would oblige. Always. In order not to spoil my mood.
Even if it meant falling sick rest of the week.

XXX

I would not be the good son. I wouldn't tell her "Com'on take it, you'd catch a cold otherwise."

Infact, there was this Chhath in 2000, when mom, no longer being her younger self, noddingly suggested if she could put on something...and I immediately shot back, "I'd better not accompany you, then."

XXX

Only if I were little less the bantering baby I am.

XXX

When mom was younger, we would have reached the bank by 4.

Later, she'd take her time getting ready, and I, fretting the sun would have appeared already, would shout. And if that didn't work, would sulk.

Discomforting her, either ways.

XXX

How I wish she'd have known I love her....and only Her........and above everything else.....

XXX

Getting used to office now.....People here are nice.....people of all races are nice....... until honeymoon ends!

Receptionist Ma'am is really what they call Made-of-Milk-and-Honey kind...She'd beam a cheerful welcome every afternoon....

XXX

The Boss is.....should I say 'my dear?'

Well, he may not exactly fit into the idea, although he's cool......

He's one of those Goodies, who, since they have always stayed away from any kind of duels- verbal or bodily- which decorate a fiendish youth, haven't learnt to be tough...

XXX

Good for us........

XXX

So here are times, when he'd see me seriously absorbed in Facebook, and yet not react!

If I cling on, he'd stare from the corner of his specs.....with a supressed grimace that invokes only wry amusement.....perhaps trying to invent ways how to politely ask me stop.....

XXX

The polite ways, luckily for us, would never occur,
and so he has to just ignore.

XXX

Now isn't that a boss you'd go to war for?

XXX

The First day at office was free of any cliches...

There was neither the lousy boss, vexing you with attitude.....or, undesirable colleagues, whose poor humour you're supposed to laud and laugh back at!

XXX

Or, may be, I was much too indifferent to either notice or remember any of that!

XXX

The dinner was less oppressive than what we had in ACJ.

In any case, after bearing with the canteen food for about a year, nothing can possibly nauseate us more..

XXX

I was asked to report at 3:30....but, till 2PM at least, I had been seeking oblivion in idle thoughts, which, anyway, come crowding on in you in solitude..

I had thought of to put on just anything and leave, before mumma's ways prevailed on me, and I felt she'd always like me to be immaculate on such occasion.

XXX

So, I dressed up. And also ensured I didn't appear tepid or humdrum, at least not visibly.

XXX

At about 11 I was back;
the office cab dropped us.

XXX

I have been planning assiduously for my first novel. And, my friends are encouraging laboriously..... and twice as lovingly.

XXX

I'm already through with the concept and a few characters. But, letting them grow distinctly and independently, and in obvious harmony to the mood of the plot, requires an almost obsessive involvement on the writer's part!

XXX

I hope I do.

XXX

And yes, I still want to adopt a baby.

XXX

If you are one of those who dote on nature, and would love it excite the poet in you, Mangalore could be your ideal home.

XXX

I find the place wonderfully inviting, and it also conjures up childhood memories of Swamiji's ashram in Munger, where Mom would take us for spiritual edification....

The ashram too, was nestled in the foothill of high-rise terrains, much like the houses here.

XXX

They have put me in some 3 Star, this time too....Abhiman Residency....But, I feel only the outer ambiance merit the decoration.

The rooms are essentially without ornament......and the hospitality not anywhere close to "winning."

XXX

Mausami came to pick me up at the station...And guided me to the hotel, where we had breakfast together..

So sweet!

XXX

But I'm afraid, in some time she too will disappear.

Like in ACJ, Mr X and Miss Y disappeared... after being such loving friends during all of first term.

Am I cursed?
Do the Gods have ordained me to be alone?

XXX

One of my friends from Bangalore tells me, he's happy to see me recover. I don't contend the thought, but then, that's just a concerned person flattering himself.

My life will never be the same again. I don't wish it to be, either.

XXX

There's tremendous pain in me since September.....sometimes apparent and overflowing... like some flooded river that first strides to the plains, and then seizes the town..

At other occasions, it is muted....silent yet aggressive....and camouflaged with smiles that are broader than usual!

XXX

I think this is the perfect time to begin writing.
I can write provokingly when I'm sad.... and I haven't been sadder in life.

XXX

My friend tells me J K Rowling, too, had been in such circumstances. Divorced and without money.

And he believes, if I muster the courage, I can prove myself only more emphatically.

XXX

So, I met SKM Sir, and told him how I plan to begin it all.
Immediately.

He gave me a patient listening, and advised meaningfully.

XXX

He's such the same gentleman. He wouldn't let me go unless we had had lunch together.

But, all of that I'd write later.
He merits a separate post.

XXX

I want to adopt a baby.
Dunno why, but the thought is becoming more earnest by the day!

XXX

I finally joined work today..........and with such zealous indifference to it!

And if that weren't enough, I was yawning all the time.........outcome of yesterday's night out.....

XXX

This friend of ACJ- not sure if I am at liberty to call him/her friend yet- kept postponing plans for a meeting up all day, till I was tired and really disinclined to meet at all...

XXX

I allowed myself for the hang-out still........as, I really do not have many friends to choose from...and then, irrespective of the involvement that may come from the other side, I am too sensitive, and longing for those I see as friends!

XXX

So, it hurts...At times....when your affection is not reciprocated at....

XXX

This girl/Boy first takes me for dinner, then a movie at PVR...a Ben Afflick one, which, although little known here, was engaging to be fair.

XXX

But, before that we had had visited the play station and tried our hands at games....He/She said, I was to blame for the humiliating scores...

XXX

Can't agree more.
I'm AWFUL at sports!

Even animated sports.

XXX

After the movie, we had another round of dinner....and then home, before the crack of dawn!

XXX

It was good fun.

XXX

Bindoo Ma'am just happened to see me....At the Hindu office, today, where she had come looking for Arvind Sir.

It was a delightful chance meeting!

XXX

Before departing today, I tell this friend, who I may never get to see again, "I'm waiting for the Joining, as a convict waits for the hour of his execution."

He/She seemed to understand....and hence, quite sensibly, shunned from either condoling me, or dismissing my thought.

XXX

Such has my passion for work degenerated!

Yes, I know I still can excel at it, but this attempt, this demeanor at work (place), would be, then, so spectacularly lacking in inspiration.

XXX

He/She felt I had become dangerously thin....and despite a definite indifference that was noticeable yesterday, seemed to be worried at my debilitated body.

XXX

I am worried, too. My weight has actually come down to XY Kgs, which is a five point five Kgs loss in just 6 weeks.

I'm a sensitive person, and this had to happen, hence.

Leave alone the gory things that have happened to me recently, if a friend or relative misbehaves even momentarily, it begins to show on my health.

XXX

And MIND, too.

XXX

It arrived..............finally!
The Letter of Appointment.

XXX

Maa was the first one I broke the news to.....Who else on earth?
Yeah, Shahnaz Aunty, too. And other friends and well-wishers.

XXX

Shahnaz Aunty, who mumma would trust her life with, seems to get intuitions about us, which, generally, only a mother could get..

Like, she hadn't really been able to meet us last few days, but today, as I get the letter and buzz up bro, I find her home and taking my call....Now, isn't this merrily surprising?

XXX

I wouldn't call that mere chance.
It's an arrangement.............. which she's ordained for us.

XXX

The Usurper is back in town today.....or, so I'm informed.....By people, who want me to not let him go off so easily with Mumma's money!

XXX

Fleeing from town was quite inventive a ploy on his part.....to escape peer pressure!

But, not totally so!

XXX

Before coming to Chennai, I've had played my cards as well, and met at least two very influential people...Who are willing to help..

XXX

Among them, the Queen!
The Last reigning Queen of ****W* Princely State....

She's suggested to me that, if I so desire, She'd "persuade" him- which is a camouflage word for nudging him- and agree him on my occupying either of his Patna apartment or the duplex house, off Kol.

The possession may not be de jure, but practically, the house would be mine.

XXX

I haven't turned down her offer of help, but I am, somehow, not very keen either. Yes, if the Maharani interferes, I can easily move to the Kol house...and with my belongings too...But, I'm sure, he'd frequent his visit to the place to impose muted authority!

Besides, I'm not exactly fond of that city- nor my mother was- and would not like taking mumma's belongings into the house, unless it's officially mine.

XXX

And that is not to say, I'd move to some studio parlour in Patna's outskirts.

I'd continue living in the comfort of Grands Pallavi Court....in the heart of the town, and with river view at the rear.

XXX

I haven't been feeling well for sometime now....First, the office is taking its own pretty time in finalising things...prolonging my stay at the hotel, and escalating my budget alarmingly...

And second, I hate the Diwali advancing upon us again.
The reasons, too obvious to state

XXX

I have been delaying this eternally. But if I not write now, it would become too irrelevant to write at all. The Vijaya Dashami post!

I woke up early that day, defying my own expectation.....Navami had seen me engaged from dawn to late night, and I, hence, had not hoped to rise at 7!

XXX

I planned to first go to Amritanshu's place- it was his Dadaji's Shraddha- and then rush home, and pack....and between that, to also see the Mustafis, who had been keenly helpful throughout...

Invading rains altered the plan...I first packed, and waited for the downpour to relent...

XXX

The packing was difficult.

Last year, she had done that for me... this time, I helped myself....But,not nearly as adroitly...The towel was not the softest one, and there weren't enough pairs of socks and handkerchiefs to store...paper napkins, too, were missing...and my shaving equipments, that she had neatly arranged in a plastic box last time, had to be fitted inside the travel-bag somehow!

XXX
The Mustafis were the perfect hosts, offering us snacks prepared specially for Bijoya, besides comforting words and concern!

XXX

At Amritanshu's place, we stayed for only a fleeting moment....and upon his forcing us, took a few helpings of breakfast....

XXX

I also briefly visited Ramkrishna Mission Ashram, where I bowed down to the Goddess and prayed for Maa's peace....

I expressed obeisance also to Sri Ramakrishna and Sarda Devi, who had been muma's sustaining basis in life...She'd pray to them- their pictures right beside the almira in our bedroom- and seek help whenever she felt insecured or sad. I recalled.

My belief in them, too, was overwhelming. Whenever mumma was late from college, and disturbing thoughts crowded on in me, I'd pray to Sarda Devi....and when the night thickened, and mumma still would not be home, I'd nudge her picture and cry....jostle her, and petition her repeatedly to bring Mumma back....

It always worked. I remebered.
Maa would appear at once, like some Gennie.

XXX

This time, I need not.
But, I did pray to them and asked them to comfort her.

XXX

I had ensured that Rice and Fish were cooked this year, too...As is the tradition on Bijoya...

We ate..
The son of our old Grocer, who so admired mumma and who had come to see us, ate too.

XXX

Muma as well.
I served her separately.

XXX

My strength, that had endured until now, slowly began to yield.... like some old fortress, which, although mighty and unfailing, is finally undone by mightier ills prevailing!

I called up Shahla Miss and cried. Sought her solace and cried. Talked to her and cried. Asked her umpteen times, "Why?" and cried again...

Till it was time for me to leave.

XXX

4:30 PM, October 17:
Inside the auto, with brother by the side.

The road was jammed by copious crowds.. who had come to see Raavan Vadh.. At Gandhi Maidan..

There were thousands of them. Whirling around in unbridled gait, and often bumping against one another in an effort to move.

The sight was incorporated with sleek cars darting around amid the throngs. Loud,discordant chatter and a deafening buzz of ringtones punctuated it.... Announcing, as if, the God's descent!

XXX

Never before had I been out on a Dushehra evening. It's just not safe. There has been many stampedes that day. But, who would stop me today? And then I needed to catch my flight, too.

XXX

From among the swarms of men, I am allowed a glimpse of Raavan.

50 feet tall Raavan.
10 headed Raavan.
Spiteful Raavan.
Imposter Raavan.

XXX

But there was Rama, too.
For believers' comfort.

XXX

On this day, when Maa would cook me snacks and we'd light diyas together, I had to go. I had to leave my home, my house, that I had so ardently loved, and retire 2000 kilometres down south.

XXX

Because somebody had usurped 9 Lacs of my mother's money....and 5 lacs of mine, too.. And had had the audacity to bid for my freedom in exchange of that!

XXX

I looked at Ravana, and I looked at Rama.
And I appealed for justice, then!

XXX

He would. Definitely.

XXX

In another three hours, I had boarded the flight. And left the city I had grown up in.

XXX

If memory serves me right, this day (October 25th)in 2003 was Diwali....Mom and I had been living in Patna University Guest House, as our house was being renovated...

Away from friends and festive gaieties, I, that time, was sad...But it must have been a special Diwali, as I remember that day more distinctly than I do others!

After lunch, Mumma had taken me to Bharat Sevashram, where I was blessed by the sadhus, and was offered supper....Mumma had donated beyond what she could afford. I remember.

We had returned to the cottage- nestled by the Ganges, which was overflowing that year- before people on streets went berserk with merry-making!

But before it, we had dropped in to see the Mustafis, whose daughter had her birthday that day, and had also had a plate of wonderful Chicken-Chowmien there.

On returning home, mumma called the "Chowkidaar" Arjun Ji; and, giving him a few notes of hundred, asked him to distribute sweets in the neighbouring slum and keep the rest as "Bakhshish."

That was one Diwali when I didn't really burst crackers.....
We ensconced ourselves in the balcony sofas, from where the river was visible, like some sheet of cotton, dulled by smoke, and talked.

XXX

We talked.
For hours.
Till it was too late and blinking eyelids suggested it was time to say goodnight!

XXX

Since morning, I have been unusually low. Courtesy, an unkind friend who once more proved herself/himself disloyal.

And all those slides of moments, which had become less frequent by now, was awakened by this knock of pang.

The morning of September 14..I opening her doors....seeing her collapsing....calling out the guards......Three of them rushing to our floor with an armchair.....three of them then carrying her to the car....I fitting inside with difficulty, and holding her legs in my lap....Reyaz uncle peeping inside and advising us to take her to PMCH, the nearest hospital....But I disregarding him, and asking the driver to go instead to Kurjee- premiere hospital, but 10 Kms away....Frantically calling out the Goddess in mind....praying that she might help....The hospital refusing to admit her....I, upon this, buzzing up one "high and mighty" person...He calling up the hospital administrator in turn...The docs all attending on Mom....the oxygen mask.....the life saving drugs.....a flickering life-line on the monitor....they pumping out her heart....and then, with sorry faces, asking us to see her one last time... while she was still alive....but I refusing to believe that and running away....to home....where my Gods reside......Bro ringing me up.....scores of times.... I already preempting, not taking the calls....

XXX

The Goddess too is disloyal........

"Why did you kill her," I asked her many many times today..

XXX

Sitting in Lab 7, at the moment..

The college ambiance is much the same, except a concrete walkway that connects the security to inner entrance.....and a beautiful flooring that adorns the library, now!

The canteen menu is slightly improved, or may be, it's just another case of the heart growing fonder with distance...But, a wide LCD, that hangs out in one of its walls, surely makes the food less oppressive!

The mini-labs accommodate the 40 extras enrolled this year!

The staffs all recognised me, and beamed a cheerful welcome....Surprising to know Malini Miss too can smile :-)

The college still is home to me!

One of the reasons, why I haven't been updating my blog off late, is I'm simply out of clues on how to describe the festive season!

I won't call it sullen, as that would belittle the efforts of my kind friends, who, as if by some magician's repertoire, bore me up..

None the less, I can't demean my own energies, time, and care; expended unsparingly in dedicating Mumma a wall!

XXX

Happy moments of yesteryear Dushehras would come knocking to my heart and impress upon it joyous spontaneity..

I'd be glad...........but only momentarily............as a glumly "present" would soon steal into the pleasant mood.....Like some grave, disturbing thought that marauds a poor maiden's dream!

XXX

Saptami (October 14th) was difficult.....the morning, especially.....the music and festivities were in full bloom, underlining, sternly, the hushed landscape that my heart has become..

XXX

The House owners had arranged for renewing our lease. I looked at the papers fleetingly and signed them...and deposited an advance of next seven months....

XXX

Apurva had come to help design the wall, but Daffodils- the best photo labortary in town- let me down. The pictures weren't framed, yet.

Ashu, too, I remember, had dropped in to say "Hi" that day.. Apurva left the laptop with me, so that I might plan for another day and prepare good patterns for the wall...

XXX

In the afternoon, I went to Recreation Club, knowing already that revisiting the place, mumma had so sportingly accompanied me to each Dushehra, would only invite tears to my eyes...

It did.

But thankfully, only the Goddess saw them.. The morning Puja was long over, and people had receded to their places already.....

I didn't hold them back.. Two big droplets rolled down my cheeks.. My cheeks, that, upon such gaieties, inside the Pandal, would be fondled lovingly by so many of mumma's friends.....

They were moist with gloom this time!

I retired.. Immediately.. In any case, my white kurtas seemed to only dull the Goddess's lustre..

XXX

In the evening, Sid took me on a joyride to the city... There were Lights....There were too many lights.....Brilliant lights that sparkled glory in the crowded streets.............

and then, there was eternal darkness!

XXX

Ashtami (0ctober 15th) was unusually wearing, to begin with....Those who have seen me toil relentlessly in even minor assignments, can imagine how I might have struggled when I ventured to dedicate her a wall!

Her, whom I love above all riches this world can offer!

XXX

No food (except a bowl of kheer that Shahla Miss had sent us).
No water.
No rest.
No bath.

Only shouting at masons, with irrepressible wrath, should they falter!

XXX

It paid.

XXX

By 6pm, not only Shahnaz Aunty had lauded my efforts and pronounced the wall "stupendous", I had performed "Sandhyarti" too..

XXX

Navami (October 16th) arrived like spell of rains upon parched fields.. Courtesy Ashu and Apurva, who first took me for Devi-darshan, where I prayed and wished, and then to Dominos that has hit the town only last week!

We ordered four double bread pizzas and garlic sticks.....And shared that amongst us!

Mouth watering, truly mouth watering!!
Go Dominos Go..

XXX

In the evening, we went to see Ashu off, whose holidays were over and who had to leave for Chandigarh!

Sid and Apurva then left for their homes, and asked me to meet at Recreation Club at around 8.

XXX

Delightfully, I had two unexpected visitors in Shivam and Salindra- school buddies, who had come to spend time together.

So, it was a gang of five, not three, at Recreation Club. Cool moments awaited us. We shared jokes; exchanged ideas; and discussed, among other things, the Babri verdict.

Shivam, the lawyer, ardently upheld the decision, while Salindra advocated it as well.

XXX

We also went to this cosy place called, Khaa Lo, and ordered dinner.. Shivam bore it all himself, arguing he was the only one who had a job and who had drawn stipends too.

So unlike ACJ- where people split even tea bills amongst themselves!

At night, I was back. But not before I had bought popcorns for us and mumma, and had a tete-a-tete with the Bhattacharyas!

XXX

Vijaya Dashami was my last day at home; I'd write about it only tomorrow as I need to rush for my evening prayers.. Today is Kojagori Lakshmi Puja (Bengalis celebrate it a fortnight before Diwali), and I hope, earnestly, the Goddess would arrange for my proper upkeep.

14th October..................One month of being alone.......

Collected the suits from Lucknow Tailors yesterday.......beautiful suits that would have so complemented her!

I unfurled each one of them around her bed....later at night....She'd dote on them, I know!

XXX

While in the market, amid the festive razzamatazz, a slate coloured cargo-shirt arrested me for a while......may be I liked it.....But whose there to buy that for me?

I'm not buying that myself!

Delighting yourself is fun......but it's so much more delightful when your parents do that for you....I have neither!

XXX

The lights blind you for a moment......when you go out to shop.....the grandeur is simply imposing......

But they torment me, and remind me of my grief- which is irrepairable!

Mumma would, upon this season, drag me to every other shop and buy me the most impressive clothes!

Never again!

XXX

Daffodils would reconstruct all of them, and colour them too....The pictures.....some recent ones which I want to enhance, and some very old ones....already torn and ravaged by blurs that time impresses upon your happy moments!

I'm dedicating a wall to my mother....in the living room....The budget was decided at Rs 5000....which wasn't sufficient...

So, I dished out the last Rs 5000 too, that I had kept for my personal security....I don't mind; the wall has to be splendid....that's more important..

XXX

Talking about budget, that shouldn't be a botheration....

You listened Goddess, that shouldn't be a botheration!

Okay, the money is all outstanding.....and we have flooded out whatever we had in the Shraddha....and if that wasn't enough, "He" the trickster has duped the LIC money...and has also ensured the Rs 30,000 family pension is lapsed....

I can't avail the pension as I have a job, already.....and Bro is past the upper age limit....We had pleaded on him to accept it on "his" name and give us maintainance...

But, "he" refused adamantly......hoping this would force us to surrender ourselves upon his mercy.....But, it's already decided......205 A, Debashray Apartment wil never be my abode!

XXX

So, what if the Rs 30,000 family pension is gone to the dogs...The Goddess will have to arrange me money....suficient money, as I'm not going to compromise with my standards.....never....My mom is still there....and I'd live as comfortably as I have always been....

You have to arange the money, Goddess.....Where from, is your headache!

XXX

Shahla Miss took us on lunch yesterday....Another of their efforts to lift me from my sadness...Ashu has again arranged lunch at my place tommorow.....All would be coming, for the Pizzas and cake!

XXX

I'm leaving on Sunday.....My first Vijaya Dashami without her....When I say without her, the inference is only physical....

I have to leave home.....and her......and go....

XXX

Missing Them: Anonymous Polished, Anonymous Defender, Anonymous 2, Anonymous 99..

Like everybody else, they too seem to have abandoned me.....Can't complain....If Mumma can do, others can too.

XXX

Went to Patna Market today, the city's shopping heritage where I had had a glorious evening with Mom.....On September 4th.....My Last!

It still was aglow like a constellation of stars....its sparkling luster, this time italicizing the melancholy of my heart!

Collected a couple of suit pieces that Mumma had so selectively chosen....At Bharat Silk Store....Rs 1000 she had already deposited; I paid a thousand and half more!

Those were the same suits.....upon which we had disagreed.......But, she had had her way, not buying the ones I felt were good..

XXX

Today, those are my favourites as well...

XXX

I left both pieces at Lucknow Tailors......which she had graced as customer since 1965....He showed me another couple of suit-pieces that Mumma had asked him to stitch...and then never bothered to collect...

He'd give all four of them on Tuesday...Mumma would be overjoyed to have them tailored...But, that would be a Durga Puja surprise...I haven't told her anything as yet..

XXX

We had a chain of Pujas yesterday......each a complementary one for the Shraddha Ceremony....The Purohit felt that was necessary...to unfetter Mumma from the bondage of desires...

This mostly happens when somebody has left children or unfinished works behind...In Mumma's case, both...We aren't married, and we don't have a house of our own to live...and nobody who would look after, either....

Of-course, we have some outstanding money, and a decent job offer, too..But, Mumma would need assurances..

The Puja provides exactly that....the soul realizes by the Grace of the Gods, all would be well...and is then liberated from worries of this mortal world!

XXX

My Xavier's friends have transcended human thoughts on kindness....They come every evening and cook me sumptuous meals...

Yesterday, when we went to the river bank to immerse the "Yajna" articles, Ashu just wouldn't let me carry the heavier bag...He bore it all himself!

And then took me to Bachchu Babu, where we had the most mouth-watering Gol-gappas!!

XXX

Unselfish concern has found new names in them....Tommorow, his gang is coming to take me for some matinee show.... They would also cook Manchurian and rice in the evening!

XXX

But, it's unbearable.....
The Pain.

XXX

If I'm going to Mangalore, it's only for money..

XXX

It's only for money!
It's only for money!
It's only for money!

For dreams have all eluded me.........and hopes, wrecked..........in the unrelenting malice of life!!

XXX

Why Goddess, why?
You could have averted this, couldn't you?

XXX

When the "Yajna" was nearing completion, I felt her leave..
"Choli Aami (So, I leave)?" she liked (and needed) my approval...

Don't ask me that.......for the answer would never be "Yes." I replied..

She was baffled....one of few occasions where she wouldn't be able to decide....She still dazzled in Pink.... but this time she carried a handbag too.....which obviously suggested she needed to bid adieu!

She seemed to tell me to swith off the TV and AC, too...I wouldn't...And I wouldn't let her go, either...

She looked at me affectionately....wanting to reason... but the mother in her, making it difficult to do!

XXX

And like always, I won she lost....It was agreed she would live both in heaven and at home!

XXX

It's everywhere there.....The unfinished edifices of bamboo that artisans are hastily completing... The idol makers are speeding up work, too...

It's Durga Puja; the city would soon array itself into a bride!

Every year, I'd fret.....
"Will they finish things before Saptami?" I pestered mom a thousand times..

XXX

No longer.. What awed me into ecstasy once, now benumbs me into silence....At best, those edifices barricade my gloom, and confine me in the darkness of it!

XXX

She appeared in my dreams the night before....Draped in pink and brimming with life...

It was a usual evening....and I was relieved awfully to see her home....like I had always been...

Being late from work was one of mumma's old habits that she didn't quite mend....I'd fret always, believing she must have died in some accident...and that I'd have to shift to "His" place, therefore.....this fear was such monumental, people sometimes suggested I saw the councillor....

But when mumma was home, I'd be back to my cheerful self....of-course, only after having fought with her and shouted at her..

I quarrel with her this time, too....in the dream... where she dazzles in pink...

"This isn't done.....Do you have any idea how I had been.....ever cared to know? and don't give those excuses.....it's 23 years of them now..."

"And where exactly had you been to.....what so important?"

"Well....well....I just went for a break....on a spiritual voyage kind of....don't you recall.....how frail I had become? And now look, I'm so agile and gay ....and replete with energy, too!" she explains.

I look at her.. Keenly...she's right....the dress, and the elan with which she wears it.... her calm face and the radiance that emits from it- all are testimony she merited the break..

I nudge approvingly: "Bhaalo Laagchho (Looking pretty)"

but before she could beam a smile, memory whispers truth to my mind..

"You were dead....Yes, you were dead....We cremated you....How...How on earth is this possible..."

"Was all that a dream....a horrid dream, that thankfully now has passed?"

"No...not a dream...we have had the Shraddha, too.....people were there....I was there....all my friends were there, too."

"Mumma, how have you come back, how on earth?"

"And what do we do now....Oh....it's all mercy of the Goddess...she's being kind to me....thanks Goddess, thanks....But, mumma, what would we explain to people...what would we tell them?"

She stops me.....and holds my face gently between her hands: "Fear not." "When I'm around, you needn't do anything... I'm here to settle your worries."

I hold her hands, too....but, perhaps unwilling to believe, I craft a plan: Yes, we needn't worry....How on earth can anybody prove you were cremated....the pictures, the cards, the videos, the death certificate- everything is with us...And I'd destroy them all...."

"And, live happily ever after..............like in Grimm brothers......"
It's a rainbow of smiles in the moonlit night!

XXX

I'm awakened by my brother, who has come to tell me how mumma had appeared in his dreams...

XXX

I tell him I saw her, too......the same night....around the same time (before daybreak...!)

XXX

Was mumma telling me that she's fine.....and has recouped from all illness?

The glow in her face justified she is!

XXX

4th September and 4th October.....so close and so different!
One steeped with hope; the other sterile in silence............

XXX

It's still fresh in my mind....the moments, the outing, the repartees.....

XXX

Last month, I hurriedly returned home this day from St Michael's... where I had gone to see Fr Peter and share the delightful news of my job!

Mom was adorning herself as I came....She had to look good: a customary obligation I'd impose on her....whenever we moved out together!

I quickly had a shower, and wore a brick colored shirt with patterns of "checks.." ....and teamed that with green jeans...

In 15 minutes we were Patna Market...the city's shopping heritage was aglow like some constellation of stars...It was first the store at the entrance....the helper unfurled a rich collection of salwar kameez....all abounding in colour and made brighter with embroidery...She chose and she rejected....dozens...

And before we came back to the same shop and bought the same suit that had captured her imagination first, we had had good few rounds of the market....both of us swaying with the weight of our bags!

XXX

She wanted to go Shubhraj, the popular Dosa haunt.. An annoyed me pointed at the watch and persuaded she left for home.... (Had I not objected, I could have had my last Dosa with her.....in that same place, where she'd carry me as a baby.... and I'd spill water each time, leaving her embarrassed)

XXX

At around 9:30 PM, she prepared some cream with powdered milk and stuffed that between pairs of Marie biscuits....her favourite snack...I gulped a couple of them too!

Who would have known fate would envenom the joy soon?

XXX

Thanks Goddess.....they don't want us to vacate our place....They are ready to renew the lease...

XXX

Thanks Goddess, thanx...

XXX

But why Goddess?

Why this immense gloom.....unwavering gloom.....Is this your reward for unwavering faith?

XXX

I see my compeers mocking the Ayodhya verdict......they speak the language of non-believers.... and far from being happy, they question if Rama ever existed...On Facebook!

Doesn't this count, then, that I believed always....that indeed your husband had came to this mortal world and salvaged us of our sins in "Treta Yuga?"

Doesn't this count, Goddess?

XXX

I met the lawyer today....and discussed what to do!

Mr U.S.Tiwary, senior Advocate Patna High Court....a rather sprightly figure for a man in early 60s! Patient, kind-hearted and from what it seems, dexterous enough to help me out..

Lets see.

XXX

Never thought being Bengali would one day let me down..

Had I belonged to any other community, the law would have compelled "Him" to arrange for my upkeep....to pay our rents and provide me money if I opt for Cardiff!

But, Bengali inheritance is guided by this "out-of-the-world" act, called "DAYABHAAG"...

Which says, men of all colors and class- whether kin or strangers- are son of the same almighty, and hence a man shall, if he so obliges, shower his mercy (read money) on whoever he desires!

XXX

Weird

XXX

So, what now?

Will "He" indeed turn me pauper, and force his strange ways upon me?

XXX

The lawyer hopes not...He's diligently studying the "Dayabhaag" law....and he believes there must be some loopholes...that he could work to my advantage...

Meanwhile, attempts have already begun to retrieve my mom's outstanding money...I hope this is done in six months....as, that is how long we can maintain the house in Patna..

XXX

But, it may still not be enough to buy a flat...I need a flat...and a good one, too...where mumma can live....

And I will have my way....just as she had had, always!

XXX

I bought three roses for mumma while returning from the lawyer's bungalow...

Yesterday, I had bought a pink one and put it beside mumma's pic....and was pleasantly surprised to see the petals were in perfect contrast to what she wears in that pic!

Destiny's sweet arrangements...................and some grim ones!

XXX

People had been asking me this all along: Does "He" really not love you?

I replied to myself: Shylock loved his daughter.......but he loved the "ducats" too.

XXX

I'm planning to meet some influential men in the town.....for obvious reasons....I have to restore my finances and buy mom a flat!

XXX

My efforts for restoring finances have begun.....although I'm not sure how I'd fare....Or, how the malice of fate would allow me fare!

XXX

"He" was fleeing to his village this evening....
Unbelievable!

At a time when he should stand beside me and bear me up in distress, he decides to escape....and for a long while....so that, in want of his signatures, none of my work may progress, leaving us pauper!

Pauper- that's what he wants us to become!
Paupers would accept anybody who offers help....In this case "HE."

XXX

Thankfully, we got an inkling of it in advance....and I was His place early in the morning...and with a friend.....A carefully chosen friend....one whose relatives not only live in the same apartment as "He", but whose dad is influential in Patna University, too....

"He" would not mess up, hence....Peer pressure counts....always...and with men of all hues and class!

XXX

We played our cards wisely enough...and that paid...."He" cannot claim any of my mother's money now....and this, by stamp of law....words can never express my gratitude to Ro**n, MBA grad and today's mediator!

XXX

I meet the lawyer tommorow, so that I might avail whatever little mumma has left me....the money is outstanding, and so this might take time....A couple of months, hopefully....May the Gods will this early and without hassles...

XXX

But that won't be enough....I still need more to maintain my standards....not that I've an inertia of comfort....But, mumma's soul would never rest in peace if she sees us in inadequacy!

XXX

I might demand maintenance, which "He' hasn't offered voluntarily...The lawyer would advise me better...Tommorow...when I see him with G***L Uncle!

XXX

Ro**n was being strict...last night.... when he asked me to switch off the TV...and the AC, too....

And today, Shahnaz Aunty wanted me to change...
I refused to oblige either...And offered mumma food, instead....

XXX

It's not madness...it's not illusion of mind either...She is present.....
she, definitely, is.

XXX

Ashu- the Chef in making- cooked Murga and pulao last night....and enriched the menu with a mouth-watering paneer and green salad!

Sid helped him assiduously, while Apurva prepared an accompaniment of "Boondi Raita." Pankaj, Amritanshu and Rohan were the merry-makers....They placed there laptops in every other room, including kitchen...and tried to enhance my mood with funny pictures and video-clips!

XXX

But finding me morose, Apurva addded some punch to the get together and took me on a ride outside...We went to Boring Road- 10Kms away from home- and relished Golguppas beneath an abandoned tree!

XXX

I wanted to offer dinner to mom as usual....but was finding that odd....earlier in the evening, Apoorva was trying to suggest if I changed the Kurtas and wore jeans or something...

I left the issue hanging...

XXX

I planned that once all were gone, I'd serve the food to mumma..But people were eating voraciously, as is expected in boys' meet-up!

So, I lied to Ashu that he left some pulao n paneer for me, which I'd have in late night..

XXX

He approved, and also made this look normal to others...But, Im sure nobody would have believed I was going to have that myself!

XXX

After the feast was over, Sid was packing food for her Mum. In Public!

But, I needed to wait till others had left...And that hurt me, and made me feel hapless again...

XXX

They are planning a movie...Anjaana Anjaani!

Kind efforts from kindly friends....And Goddess, you?
Are you too planning to approve and grant what I've asked??

XXX

The old Hindu rituals were neither absurd nor mundane...I realise that now....It's 15 days and I'm still clad in white....Willingly!

For I can possibly never summon the courage to drape myself in colours...I tried some very light ones the day the "Shraddha" was solemnised....

for few moments.....before it began tormenting me!

XXX

People in the neighbourhood know the rites are over....and so they steal glances on me when I move around in my "kurtas"....

The guards, the hawkers.....and people in general.....they all stare....and they must also be talking when I'm gone...I can't help it yet...

WHITE gives me peace; everything else is nauseating!

XXX

I still offer food to my mom....tea....sweets....and whatever else is cooked....

Siddhant was looking disapprovingly that day....He tried asking whom was the plate for, knowing well that it was for mom...

XXX

I ask my bro to prepare tea for her every morning and leave that in the table beside her bed....

So far he obliges....but I'm afraid he might soon confront...what would I do, then?

I can't make tea myself....What would I offer mom, then?

XXX

Xaviers friends are trying their best to cheer me up....First they worked to death to make the "Shraddha" ceremony grand....

and now they gather at my place every evening and take me out...Yesterday they took me to St Xavier's and recreated some happy moments from our olden days!

XXX

Today Ashu is coming with his gang, again...They will cook "Murga aur Pulao" and watch movies..............their heartfelt efforts to dissipate the gloom!

XXX

Between "He" has sensed it, I guesss.
It = one last effort to restore our finances..

"He" would never will it happen...If I'm adequate, "He" loses me. If I'm crippled, "He" gets my custody...something "He" lost 22 years back..

XXX

Goddess, please let the deal be done....and let that be done the way I have imagined....Pls Goddess....

The tepid in "him" thinks if I don't manage the finances, I move in to his place...But at least you know, that I'd rather go to the dogs...

XXX

Afford me the dignity, grant me the honour....
Please Goddess, let the deal be done!

XXX

The Shraddha Ceremony was both serene and grandiose....just the way you would have loved....the prayers were heartfelt; the hymns chanted with irrefutable faith, and the holy vibrations in the cosmos seemed to spread divinity all around!

And all of that enough to give you abounding peace....I Suppose.

XXX

You loved flowers...And so I ensured there were gardens of them....around your Picture, around the room!

XXX

A pleasant crowd of people had gathered to pay you homage....Those who you loved, and also those, who loved you....They talked about your subtle grace....and the exemplary courage with which you braved the torments of life!

XXX

It was a rare moment to see both the present principal and an 80 year old former principal pay you respects!

"Whoever had the privilege of knowing her, felt blessed for she was truly noble": Reads the letter that MMC princi presented in your honour..

And that bespeaks the Lady-like aplomb with which you graced your life; I must be blessed to be borne to you!

XXX

You may not have bequeathed millions, you may not have bequeathed lands....But I am blessed, still..for millions are squandered in this vile world....and lands rendered useless in death...

It's name that endures, It's name that sustains...

You have left me a treasure in that!

XXX

Talking about millions.....yes, all of them are gone....I may live adequately; not comfortably, though!

XXX

"He" realises just that....and "He" also plans to exploit that.....

"He" would love me monetarily crippled......So that I have to choose between Pride and money.....and, he hopes I'd choose money over Pride...and move in to "His" place!

Foolish!
Foolish!

Helen would never seek Sparta.....She would have a Troy that falls!

XXX

And anyways, "He" doesn't want to "HAVE" me....."He" wants to "POSSESS" me....just as "He" posseses the lands and the millions...

XXX

But, what do I do?
Compromise with my standards, live in a chawl?

travel in second class???

XXX

Oh mumma, had you left me the money, I would mourn eternally....I'd retire in your room, and seek no company...Only you, only me....and an island of memories...

I'd write my heart out and earn a living with that.....my writings my dreams not inhibited by the want of money...

XXX

Between, my Xavier friends are angels on earth!
without them, the funeral wouldn't be so great...........

XXX

This Morning:

The Holy Ganges was pregnant with overflowing waters!
It first rained the day after You were gone....and it didn't stop thereafter....

XXX

I didn't wish to see the sun that would bestow its bronze and golds on me alone...In silent prayers, you made that happen...Last few days have only been a blanket of clouds!

xxx

I looked into the glassy water and saw the emaciated sight of myself...It was not the face of a blessed child..

It was the face of an orphan....Yes, an orphan..."He" is NOT family....He never will be...I can look after him, but I can't possibly love him...

XXX

Thus, I decided not to shave off my hairs....I can't let the mirror remind me of my miseries each day!

Bro offered himself for "Mundan"....It was a painful sight...And, painful is sometimes so light a word to convey the gloom!

XXX

I had ensured already that nobody befriended us at the Ghat except the Purohit....After the rituals were over, I made sure bro washed himself and left with Panditji alone....

I needed to wash too, but I would do that solitarily...All myself...

XXX

I approached the steps...and wrapped myself in the bathing robes...The ladies at the Ghat panicked...They must have prempted from my looks that it was my first dip in a river alone...

They offered help...The rural but kind ladies...A bevy of them soon surounded me and directed how I should place myself in the flooded waters...They really cared for my safety!

XXX

Maa was looking at me....Alarmed, anxious and helpless at my stupidity...At one moment trying to stop me, and at the other, holding herself back as her sudden gestures might disbalance me...

"How foolish of you; why would you let others go? Why have you to do all this alone?" her dumfounded face suggested!

XXX

I dipped and placed myself inside.....It was the touch of the Virging mother...The Ganga....whose divinity blesses us all, and salvages the departed souls!

True, the water was muddy...and logically unhygenic... But then they say, "Maano to maa, Naa maano to bahta paani."

I believe....Unquestionably!

XXX

Having robed myself in white, I prayed for you, Maa...
You obviously watched, and were happy too... But, you were happier when I left the bank, and was safely in the fields again...

XXX

There weren't bells there...But I heard them, yet...

There weren't lighthouses on distant towers...But the glow of that reached me, nevertheless!

And I heard you, too...Silence was your song, stillness your touch!!!!

XXX

Tommorow is what they call "Shraddha."

But you would still be around....Of-course, heaven beams a cheerful welcome in all its gaiety...

But, just as you would be home after college, or speak to me over phone while I was away, we would be together yet..

XXX

We already are.

XXX

The AC is still on, and the Tv still chatters...

Because you really are there...And you always would be...

XXX

Why Goddess?
Why?

XXX

But thanks, yet...

Now I understand why I weren't placed....despite all the year's good work...You wanted me to be around....and have the warmth of her love....One last time....few last days!

XXX

How do I live?
And for whom??

XXX

I have to rush...The Shraddha has to be small yet grand!
Thats how you liked things..

XXX

And yes, budget was not the word when I planned this all....I bought everything that was needed....and everything else that wasn't told, but which, you would love...

Like the floor spread...there were so many of them...but nothing that complented the curtains and the sofas both...

I bought one, therefore...And, its such beautiful!

XXX

Okay, I have to buy other stuff before the Puja begins tommorow...I'm leaving, maa..

XXX

The AC is still on....the teapot, the sugar bowl and the milk-powder...they all lay scattered in the table beside your bed...and the TV...its still on, with an orchestra of sound streaming out of it...

It's music to my ears, peace to my eyes!

Why would I shout at you for making your room a mess?

I like it only that way, now.
It bestows on me the warmth of your undying love....your ethereal, all-pervading presence, I find it all around in the room...amid the clothes..amid the books...amid all the crowd I screamed at you for!

I'm going to treasure that all......all my life....and with all my love....

I love you...and I do miss you...because I never wish to stop missing you...And yes, there's pain in it too...

But, I'd rather take the pain, than stop missing you...