(Dec 31, 11:40pm)

31st December this time was quite a contrast.. as I said, I was strolling around in CP.. having food.. watching people revel in merriment..

Eearlier, these were silent closed door nights in Patna... in the 1990s...

People celebrated in home... streets were empty.. and it would be very cold, anyway..

XXX

Ours would be beautiful experience.. since 1st is my birthday, mom would be cooking till very late in the night.. preparing snacks and other things for the party the day after..

We would be watching TV.. and mom would ask us to taste the food... sweets...

There was something called Gits.. it was a kind of flour.. you had to make a dough and prepare balls.. you fried them and then dipped them in sugar syrup.. Your Gulab jamun was ready..

XXX

She'd ask us to taste the kabli chana too.. gulab jamun and kabli chana, Mum always prepared on my birthdays..

Then bread rolls... Chicken would be marinated and kept in the refrigerator... funny, but sometimes I would be tempted to taste the uncooked chicken too..

But, I never dared... Muma would not encourage such things..

XXX

Earlier in the day, we would go out finishing the marketing.. and personally inviting the family friends..

We had only one cake shop then.. it was called Cake Palace.. we'd go there too.. and while the cake was getting prepared, Muma would get us pastries..

We hated waiting.. but the pastries would interest us..

XXX

(Dec 31, 11:37pm)

Was strolling around CP after office.. had snacks at KFC and then sipped some good Irish coffee at CCD..

Which was nice.. If my friends were in town, I would have gone out somewhere.. there were a couple of invitations.. but those must be big get-togethers..

I didn't want to socialise.. two-three friends were ok.. but sadly, this time I was alone.. but I enjoyed.. well, if you are happy, you are happy.. that's it.. and I was pretty happy..

XXX

(Dec 31, 00:34am)

There are some friends whom I lost touch since the first year of Mumma's passing away... there presence was overwhelming in those gloomy times..

But somehow we have not been in touch.. they are not on my Facebook friends' group either..

When I saw them today, sneaking into their profiles, I could see they have changed... they are certainly looking older than the picture I had in mind..

In five years you do grow up... may be I too have grown and changed, but I do not realise since I am seeing myself everyday..

XXX

Does age bother me..

I can't answer in yes or no.. sometimes it does... but then it's not the age in fact.. sometimes I feel I am not completing many things on time.. and everything has a time..

Like, say writing my debut novel.. or getting a certain pay package or rising to a certain level in the hierarchy in office..

Some of you might say I'm doing pretty good on those lines.. but then I have my fixed targets in mind, and I assess myself against my own set targets...

Family, marriage too has an age... of-course it's adjustable considerably.. but I believe that happens only when you have achieved your basic successes early on..

Then, lots of adjustments could be done.. So, yes age bothers me.. but in a very different way..

XXX

(Dec 30, 5:03pm)

Had a good time last evening, sipping an Ethiopian coffee at CP.. I do not feel like retiring to home after work, as this is a festive season..

So, last evening at around 8, I went to KFC at Connaught place and then post the meal I was sitting at a coffee bar... having some time to myself.. thinking about the new year..

No, I'm not suggesting that I like being alone all the time.. or making a virtue out of it.. it's just that the 2-3 friends I could hang out with, are not in town.. and the ones who are inviting me, I'm not very keen to meet..

So, that's okay... I can enjoy solitarily too..  actually I do not have fixed rules.. If I have good friends around, I like hanging out.. on other times, I am fine alone..

But yes, I am not very comfortable with large groups, or with acquaintances... I need friends who are close..

Sometimes, I want to be alone necessarily.. the choice varies.. anyway, right now I would have been happier if these friends were around.. but then, that's okay..

XXX

Office threw a year end lunch today.. they had ordered food from the kitchen of Al-Nazir... the mutton was good...

A couple of colleagues were saying we could plan something for 31st evening.. let's see.. nothing is decided yet..

XXX

And of-course, 1st is my birthday..

The second time, when I would not be in Patna.. Last time was 2011 in Mangalore.. That was during my mourning period anyway, as Mumma had just passed away..

I think I had had a lunch and then headed to The Hindu office for an evening shift.. Let's see what do I do this time... as I said, my friends are not around..

May be I would watch a movie.. drop in to office for an hour and then have a sumptuous dinner somewhere..

XXX

(Dec 29, 5:44pm)

I don't even have the option now to say, "Hi, I'm back to blogging."

I have done that earlier, and then not lived to the promise I made.. I don't know what exactly is happening.. Why am I constrained..

I think the first thing is, I am no longer quick.. there are times, and there are events, when I feel, oh yes, this should go to my diary..

But I am not prompt enough to pen it.. and at a later time, that feel is no longer present..

XXX

But, I would feel miserable if I do not write anything during the year end.. but how could I not write anything, while in Patna, attending my best friend's marriage back home?

I'd be so tired.. I attended all the functions.. but I could not bring myself to write..

Second reason is personal.. I am brooding too much about the material things perhaps..

No, I'm not planning to get married.. though, yes, like every person does in his late 20s, I am hearing so many people talk about and discuss my marriage more than perhaps I would ever do..

I am definitely thinking about buying an apartment... But can I afford the loans? Yes, if I do away with my Patna apartment, my mom's house for which I pay a fat rent every month..

But that's like cutting my roots... brushing away every trace of my childhood days..

XXX

Then there's my father... the relationship is much better now, but then there's so much uncertainty.. there is this relative of his, who has eyes on his property...

Is that bothering me too much?

I can't answer in yes or no.. I'm not money obsessed.. but unlike my mother, I'm not totally withdrawn from seeking any kind of material comfort or security..

And I genuinely believe, if you are living in the material world, you should not have that attitude..

Because it ends up bothering your family and children.. Like when mum passed away, I did have very uncertain times...

Though, ultimately, I started getting her family pension - via my father, who she did not divorce in her lifetime - and there was money to take care of the Patna house and the servants..

Either you are an ascetic living in the Himalayas, or you are practical.. but then you see, I'm getting bitter.. perhaps critical of my own mum, whom I have loved beyond everybody else..

XXX

Anyway, coming back to dad, he is so uncertain.. he would not discuss anything about the future.. When I do, he will effortlessly make the conversation meander into all sort of philosophical things, with no solutions in sight..

I get irritated.. and this relative truly loves this... frankly, I don't give a shit if she manages to get away with all my father's property..

But she must not get what is my mum's... mum was so impractical.. she left her jewellery, and a treasure of that, in a joint account with dad.. even though she had left dad when I was just a few months..

She owned a joint land with my dad... she didn't do anything about it in her lifetime.. now, I'm afraid what if this relative usurps even mom's share of the money which rightly should be mine?

XXX

So, these thoughts tire me.. I don't want to write about them, least think about them.. but your state of mind does reflect when you write something..

May be these are the reasons I don't write too often.. but anyway, this is year end.. and I'm planning to write again.. seriously..

We will see.. I cannot be cowed down by circumstances.. I have seen worse, and with the Goddess' blessings, surmounted them..

XXX

Yes, there is one more reason.. Now I really want to write my novel.. that's not happening... and then when I'm writing the blog, I feel as if I'm just into smaller things, missing out on the larger aspiration..

But you know what, these are all negativity... you are not doing one thing, and that is stopping you from not doing another..

The approach should be, do whatever you can at the moment, and try putting up more effort to finish the other ones too..

Action brings action, lethargy leads to more inertia.. so, may be that could be a new year resolution..

Let's keep doing the good action, and as far as the material questions are concerned, may be the positivity generated by my actions will take care of them..

And then the Goddess is always with me!

XXX

(Dec 9, 5:10pm)

Had a long vacation in Patna.. Spent two weeks in home town, attending a childhood friend's marriage.. Bengalis have too many festivities when a couple ties the knot, lasting usually four or five days..

So, it was a pleasure meeting old pals, and many of Mumma's old pals also.. as this friend's family lives in Mom's pre-marriage neighbourhood..

I was surprised quite a few of them, of people I have heard of from mom but never really met, were eager to see me.. One of them later invited me to her place in the weekend..

I am not intimate with too many people.. So, generally I attend receptions, and those are more formal gesture... But this one was different.. We have known them for decades..

XXX

The friend's mom loves me a lot.. There is a special event called Ibrobhaat, a day before the wedding.. It was fun attending it.. The friend's mother herself called me twice, ensuring I do turn up..

In this ritual, the would-be groom is served rice along with five varities of fried vegetables or bhajas, a huge fish head, and a platter of sweets along with kheer and acompaniments..

When the would-be groom is done eating, remnants of his plate are mixed with the food meant for his unmarried siblings.. People say those who eat the ibrobhaat too get married soon..

Lol... It's cute, I think.. The ladies, inborn with matchmaking skills and with the obligatory duty to be worried about and find matches for all 25 plus boys and girls, invite the youngsters they love..

So, this friend's mother, who is genuinely doting to me, made sure I was present.. It was little embarrassing.. But you do not turn down a loving, elderly lady's request. Do you?

XXX

Will write more about my home visit, people I met.. my city, the food, the weather, the feel of being home over a holiday..

Do keep visiting... Thanks!

XXX

(Oct 22, 7:38pm)

Between, I would be taking some books to Delhi... I have so many of them here.. and I have had them for years,.

You would laugh, but you know I feel a strange attachment to books I have had for years.. It almost seems to me, they are real beings..

XXX

The crotons have survived yet another long spell of lack of care.. The home was locked for four months.. yes, they have dried.. but not dead..

These are the crotons, Mumma used to have in her balcony garden... only the crotons are left now.. so often, they are without water for three-four months.. and yet they survive...

Perhaps the rain waters, once in a couple of months, help them survive.. and whenever I am here, I water the plants everyday..

And they recoup really well... and sustain, till I return the next time..

I feel bad about this lack of arrangement, but there's little I could do...

XXX

(Oct 22, 7:33pm)

I have train tomorrow.. Already feeling nostalgic.. home is so good.. and there's people around.. neighbours I have known for so many years...

I reach Saturday morning, and there's office the same day.. and production it is.. which means I'd be slogging till midnight... so, quite a contrast, you see..

XXX

I will have to pack a lot of winter dresses... as Delhi would be cold soon.. and I don't have warm clothes there..

Anyway, the solace is that I'd be back here again next month.. and that's the time my childhood friend would be getting married...

So, that would be wonderful time... Let's see...

XXX

(Oct 22, 7:25pm)

It was a good Vijaya Dashami day.. but less of a festive day..

I didn't throw any lunch or anything for friends or neighbours.. I have my train tomorrow, and I thought if I invited anybody, there would be no time to myself..

And I'd get really tired by the end of the celebrations.. Anyways, I went to my dad's place.. and had a quiet lunch with him..

A vegetarian one, as it is a Thursday...

XXX

When I returned home in the evening, I took a shower and got ready for the evening aarti at home.. It was a nice feel..

I did the aarti of the Goddess after ages.. In Delhi, I don't have any such arrangements... After a long time, I have been again connecting to the Goddess on a daily basis, and that is wonderful..

Not that anything is missing in the relationship.. The Goddess is always there for me.. but then, connecting is a different thing.. and I'm happy there's more of it finally..

XXX

(Oct 21, 11:25pm)

When grandmom too was alive.. and a little younger.. that is basically the days, when I was still in primary school, Durga pooja was much grander..

We celebrated together... I mean mom would take us to grandmum's place, who lived with my maternal uncle, aunt, two masis and our cousin..

It was a big family.. In the evening, when everybody would be getting ready, I would do a perfume check..

I would ensure everybody had used some perfume.. Getting decked up was a necessary ritual to all of us.. and us children would be more excited.. and more particular about it..

And I thought, unless you had had the perfume, your ensemble was not complete..

Actually, I am sweetening my language.. the truth is, I thought you were totally useless.. if you were minus the perfume..

XXX

(Oct 21. 11:20pm)

When I was very young, Mom would take me, my brother and cousin to see the different poojas in the city..

Specially, the pandals and the decorations.. when we would return, she would buy us toys at the pooja fairs..

One of my favourite was the paper crocodile, with a string to hold it... As you moved, it would crawl in the ground and its neck would go in and peep out of a hole or something..

To us, back then, it almost seemed it was alive.. and its movements were real..

I don't see such toys being sold now at the Durga pooja venues... children have advanced... they have their tabs.. and their games..

The crocodile is dead! And somehow, I feel bad..

XXX

(Oct 21, 11:13pm)

I'm holidaying here in Patna.. and it feels so good.. because it's Durga poojo.. and everything around this time brings back such profound memories..

Memories of childhood.. You may be brought up in different milieus.. among different people... in different circumstances..

But reliving moments of childhood is a similar feeling.. and it always leaves you with so much joy and energy..

XXX

Yesterday, went to watch aarti at Ramkrishna Mission Ashram.. this morning, I went to PWD club, which is near the old museum, and attended Sandhi pooja..

I gave pushpanjali too..

And in the evening, I went there again.. they had this traditional drum beaters, who performed during the aarti of the Goddess Durga, for nearly an hour..

And this was then followed by Rabindra sangeet, performed live at stage by three different artists..

Thereafter, there was a dance drama of Rabindranath Thakur's Chandalika..

XXX

It's proving a little difficult as my long time maid has left our services.. but then, I am managing.. i cooked too..

I asked the guard to send me another maid.. but it seems, everybody is gone to her native places for the festival..

XXX

Tomorrow is the last day of the festival.. I will be taking a tour of the city tomorrow, to visit the grand Pandals that have been put up..

In the evening, I will again go and watch the PWD club aarti.. It was too good..

XXX

(Sep 14, 22:37pm)

Luckily, Rohan left pretty early this morning.. so, there was enough time to get ready, clean the house, and do prayers for Mumma, who left for her heavenly abode five years back this day..

And while in office, in the evening, which are generally laid back on Mondays, I wrote some thing.. Do have a read, please..

XXX

Five years ago, when Mumma passed away on this day, in a morning overcast by clouds but with no hint of rain, there was something that benumbed me more than the obvious pain you can fathom in a moment like this.

It was the uncertainty.

Uncertainty of how death might impress, perhaps alter, my relationship with the person I loved the most.

Will her voice echo in my mind and remain distinct? Or, will it be lost? Like the chatter in a playground, which is replaced by silence when children are gone.

Will I be able to quickly and clearly recall her appearance and her face? Or, will they become hazy?

Will her lessons and her values stimulate me? Or, will they seem to me no longer important? Like the remnants of a dream, after you have woken up to a morning full of engagement.

For a long time, this uncertainty ruffled me and did not let me be happy. Till I realised, a relationship is beyond it. The sight, the touch, the voice may all disappear, but a relationship will not.

For, love alone adorns it. And since love is not temporal, it cannot be lessened by physical decay. It is also my belief that when God takes away your parents untimely, He bestows in you the power to connect to them spiritually.

On this day, as I remember my Mom, here's lots of love, prayers and best wishes for all those who have lost their parents young.

XXX

(Sep 13, 18:02pm)

Tomorrow, it will be five years since Mumma passed away...

Do the years matter? Five years ago, it did... as I was full of apprehension, the years might dull the memories...

Today, I know it didn't... and it never could.. probably, I knew it on that fateful day as well.. but fretted still..

XXX

I want to write.. so many thoughts are happening to me at the present moment... in such rapidity and with so much vigour...

I want to write all of that down.. But Rohan is here.. My attention is getting divided.. and while he is here, the mood too is not building up..

He will be tomorrow here too.. I had thought of spending Mumma's fifth death anniversary solitarily.. What do I do now?

XXX

(Sep 11, 11:32am)

Feeling much better today.. Didn't see the doctor but aunt prescribed some medicine, which worked..

Rohan is coming tonight.. at 11... Tomorrow I have production at office which means we cannot plan anything..

Sunday he has to meet his fiancee, whom he marries in Patna later this year.. Monday Rohan and I would go out to shop for his wedding dress...

Let's see.. I don't know but he happens to be one of those who, God knows why, think I have a great fashion sense.. and hence he insists I should pick the wedding costume..

I am not suggesting I am bad at it either.. I may be dandy, when I want to be... But I wouldn't say I am a fashion freak or something.. I don't want to be..

Mom used to tell me, fashion is so much about your own style than the dress... She would give me examples of some yesteryear princesses and other women of nobility, who made a name for fashion despite wearing just a few yards of chiffon..

Fashion happens when you invent something - the mix of colors, the fittings, the choice of embroidery, or the accessories, enhancing the beauty in you.. rather than pick up what has been labeled trendy..

XXX

(Sep 10, 10:28am)

Down with viral fever... how I wish I had not gone for work yesterday... it was just some mild temperature..but the office AC, which is insanely cold, aggravated my condition..

Let's see.. but I'm worried for two reasons.. Friday and Saturday are production days.. and I've to finish a story too..

Besides, Rohan, my childhood friend who now lives in Bangalore, is coming tomorrow to spend three days..

He's getting married, so he wants me to accompany him for shopping.. Don't know what to do..

XXX

(Sep 6, 13:26pm)

It's mumma's birthday today... Have woken up late, but plan to check out some good restaurant for lunch..

Big Chill in Saket or Amour in Hauz Khas village are in my mind, but I may just end up visiting Pebble Street in New Friends Colony.. I don't know..

The day used to be so full of celebration all these years... I am not saying, it is not any longer... As I just told you, I plan to spend it joyfully..

I will also buy some gift... say, some decoration, flowers, a lamp, or may be a table calendar... When I go Patna later this year, I would place that in Mumma's room..

If it is a vase or flowers, I will replace the ones that are currently adorning the place where her display pic is kept..

XXX

It's a Sunday.. The last time I celebrated Mumma's birthday too was a Sunday.. In 2009.. And it was the Goddess's arrangement that it was a Sunday..

I had been studying in Asian College of Journalism.. It was the first semester and we were divided into 12 groups who were taught by 12 professors by turn... So, every week, one group would get one professor for the core classes..

It was the Goddess's arrangement that first, mom's birthday fell on a Sunday that year, and second, the immediate weeks before her birthday and after it, my group was assigned to the Television stream professor and the Radio stream professor..

Since they were liberal, and the schedule of the weekly exams they took was flexible, I left for Patna on a Thursday after having written my test for the TV professor..

I didn't have money for flight as it was a surprise visit and I couldn't hence ask mom.. I reached Patna on Saturday, the 5th of September, by train..

What followed was marathon preparations for the D-Day as mom watched in pleasant surprise.. I bought new culinary set, new table cloth, ordered sweets, ordered a big, truffle cake, food from three different restaurants.. and cleaned up and decorated the house, too..

XXX

Sixth September that year was a grand celebration.. the perfect way as I would have wanted.. Monday night, that is 7th Sep, I left for Chennai. I resumed college on Wednesday, and without any hassle took the test for Radio stream, that was going on that week..

Had it been any other week, I would not be able to go.. Because other professors religiously scheduled their exams for Fridays, and I could not have missed them..

That's why I say it was the Goddess's arrangement..

That birthday was grand.. And as if in reflection of God's harmony, I and mom both wore shades of pink that evening.. Inadvertently! (see pic on top right)

XXX

I remember it started raining that evening on mom's birthday.. nevertheless, I did go out to collect the cake and food that had been ordered..

Only, because of the rains, I couldn't go out to buy a gift... I had been preoccupied because everything was being arranged in such short duration.. I had thought, I would buy the present at the last moment.. I was feeling tired too..

But love was a motivation.. and when you have a motivation such as love, you do not really bother how good or bad you are feeling physically..

Next day, I did go to the Archies shop and bought a pen set for Mumma.. And as I left for Chennai that evening, I wondered gleefully perhaps it was the last time I had to buy gift for Mom from her own money..

Next year, around this time, I would be working, and get her exquisite saris from my salary.. Not that mom had any dearth of exquisite things, but as a child you always want to buy the most precious things when you visit a store for your parent's birthday..

XXX

That day did not come..

On her next birthday in 2010, she was sinking.. and in any case, my joining in The Hindu newspaper was delayed, so even technically, had it been a normal day, I would have to buy gift from Mom's money yet another time..

She recovered for a few days and then left for her heavenly abode on 14 September.. I joined The Hindu, switched jobs.. I have risen to become a bureau correspondent and I am earning relatively good..

But I never was able to buy gift for Mom from my money, while she lived..

For a long time, this was a painful experience.. Before I realised, Mom was a woman who walked tall.. A strong woman, who never took anything from her husband to raise her kids.. Nothing from her siblings either...

It was not destined, that she would take anything from her children.. It was destined by the Almighty... And it was destined because it was how Mom would have liked!

XXX

(Sep 3, 17:01pm)

It's mom's birthday this Sunday.. What do I do? No plans yet, but it cannot really be a mundane day..

I cannot hope to wake up very early, as Saturday night is a production day and I'd be late to home.. But I plan to visit a good place for lunch.. and post it, I'd perhaps buy some gift..

It's close to five years, but I haven't stopped purchasing gifts for Mumma this day.. You always find a way out in situations like this..

So what she ain't there? I can buy new flowers to re-do the place where we keep her display pic in the living room.. or may be, a new table cloth for her study area..

Or probably, some decoration.. Her room, after all, has not been remotely altered ever since that dull September morning, eight days after her 2010 birthday, when she left for heavenly abode.....

XXX

(Sep 3, 16:56pm)

Okay, this was the longest interval my blog had seen in five years.. The viewer's stats too have fallen to an atrocious low of four or five visitors a day.. But that doesn't deter me to start writing again..

It was not the glamour of high-end blog stats that made me frequent the place.. I write because I feel an attachment to this creative space available online, and which has, over the years, become a personalised haven for me... 

The color of the blog, the background, the pics, the layout, they all give me a feel of a neighbourhood.. the readers add voice to this space, inching it closer to my heart..

I am hopeful people will start dropping in more frequently... Am I now contradicting myself? Is there really this allure to be get traffic?

No... but then, people popping in, too, has been an essential component of this place... It is natural to get used to, to things.. even when you do not exactly clamour for them..

XXX

Job is great.. laid back generally, but since I'm getting to do major political stories, it is exciting and fruitful too... Saturdays are bit exhausting.. I have to put my hands on production that day.. 

Colleagues are all nice, and we are into forming a bond already.. Though I really do not hang out with most people.. It's not an aura of mysticism or a pricey feel that I deliberately try to don..

I don't know.. I am warm to most people but not overtly friendly... May be because I was not too much surrounded with friends while I was growing up.. Mom didn't have the time to always take me to family friends..

In the neighbourhood, there were not too many children..

But in the past few weeks I had many friends visiting the national capital.. friends, whom I have known for over a decade or two, and with whom I share intimacy.. we had a great time.. 

XXX

The place I have got here is fab.. It's a corporate guest house... a luxurious, furnished room of 15 by 14... and there's good furniture, AC, fridge, LCD television, internet, laundry and room cleaning services...

It's also very close to the Noida City Centre metro station, which makes travelling convenient...

XXX

(July 7, 00:53am)

I have settled down in Delhi.. but too occupied with work to spare time for writing..

But soon, I will give you the updates..

I miss Patna.. my home.. the river view from the cluster of windows at the living room.. and from mom's room.. the birds chirp..

It's a different world out here.. indeed, every city is different,.. and with it, the feel of life is different..

We say we belong to this country and that.. but in our hearts we know, we belong to this city and that.. it's the cities.. the cities have life.. the cities give you your identity..

XXX

(June 27, 11:56am)

It's drizzling in Patna.. and I have a train to catch in the evening.. Let's see, how I manage..

Yes, there's a sense of despondency to leave home.. this serene home where I have been living since 1999..

For the last seven years, however, I have lived here only irregularly.. as I joined ACJ, my journalism college, in 2009 and thereafter have taken up one job and other in newspapers and news agencies..

But the nostalgia is stronger than ever..

Nevertheless, I suppose I must overcome it through even stronger will power.. because, as we all know, luck is for the bravest..

And you need a lot of it in a competitive era like the present one..

XXX

(June 26, 8:10pm)

Last night in my Patna apartment.. leaving for Delhi tomorrow evening... and since it is a new job, I wouldn't be coming back for few months..

There's so many things to be done.. I haven't packed yet, but the clothes are all assembled..

XXX

Shahnaz Aunty, our neighbour, came with a plate full of Iftar delicacies to see me..

She's been sending us iftar for many years during Ramzan.. Mom loved those delicacies.. and I love them too..

XXX

It was a glorious sunset this evening.. I quickly clicked it and uploaded on Instagram.. the river has dried up when you look out from mom's balcony.. but it gives a view of a lake, which is equally tempting..

You can see the pic here.. https://instagram.com/p/4ZOXZ5w2lQ/?taken-by=anandobhakto

XXX

The heart is heavy.. I had been home for a long haul.. so there's a sadness settling in.. but I am hopeful the Goddess would find me a good house in Delhi..

Which matches to my mood that pines for quietness and space.. and trees... canopy of them, indeed..

XXX

(June 26, 00:10am)

Sloping, green roads on the foothills of chaste mountains.. against clear, serene sky.. and horse-ridden carriages hopping past the wilderness..

Can there be a more rousing sight that that?

XXX

When I watch old, English movies, where meadows and old cottages dot the landscape, I cannot tell you how much it beguiles me..

It reminds me of my station, it seems.. One, from which I have separated..

Will I ever, ever have a cottage in one such vast lands, where population is scarce and mountains and lakes abound?

With a beautiful cottage amid birds chirp, where I would be living with my many, many little children..

Who would demand of me various items, and I would go down to the city through the grassy fields in my carriage?

XXX

And now, please don't make fun of me.. Well, if that's how it beguiles my mind, I can't change it..

Goodnight..

XXX

(June 25, 00:23am)

When I was still in primary school, there was a film cold Rajkumar... The film quite did not interest me, but the Madhuri Dixit number was a big draw.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyODRpZH_5w

It had bombed badly at the box office, if I remember well.. but the attraction for Dixit, then a bigger star than any of the Khans, and the story of kings and princesses had kindled in me an irrepressible desire to watch it..

 But it was not the kind of movie I could ask Mumma to take me to.. No, I don't think there was anything avoidable in the movie per se, but this song with Dixit was a bold one..

XXX

I enjoyed Dixit, clad in a gown that offered a generous view of her belly and chest, in every frame... When she rolled in the floor against the carpet, with sea green lenses in her eyes, I would go berserk...

Sadly, they never played it on TV.. till I had forgotten about the whole affair.. and yes you guessed it right..

Today they did.. In this channel called Cinema TV.. but as luck would have it, it was already the time for climax..

And Dixit, unlike the promos in 1996, wore 'sensible' clothes.. I guess had it not been for that one song, I would have surely convinced mumma to take me to the theatres..

XXX

(June 25, 00:14am)

A very tiring day it was.. Woke up at 6:30 after only four hours of sleep and yet not retired to bed..

Since I would not be returning Patna till the end of the year, unless there is a flattering turn of luck, I got muma's yearly shraddh performed today..

Though the pooja was over by later afternoon, I went out for miscellaneous purchases, that are warranted before a long travel to another city...

Then in the evening I needed to go to the Ganges banks, to immerse the pooja remaining, an obligatory custom in the Hindu faith,..

XXX

In the late evening, after only a tea's break, I went to see a neighbour in the apartment next to ours.. she's an old acquaintance of mom, and has maintained cordial relations with us even in her absence..

She offered me copy and a plate full of different snacks.. After the gruelling day's work and a fasting for greater part of the day, I loath to have it..

I looked at the coffee with an annoying feeling and avoided it, till a request from her side left me with no option but drink it..

God, then it was a pleasant surprise.. It wasn't a hot one.. It was cold coffee and tastefully made.. Honestly, I quite loved it.. sometimes we form opinion without testing things,.. this holds true in so many other situations in life..

XXX

(June 23, 00:49am)

I went to meet Mrs Ghosh, muma's old time principal in college and family friend, this afternoon..

It was a quiet afternoon when clouds suddenly showed up all around like unsought guests... We were seated in one of her parlours in the first floor of the quaint duplex bungalow..

Across the grills at the other end of the wall, there were canopy of trees becokoning in into the chamber, while the rains poured vigorously..

I obliged her request for a vivid account of my professional affairs in the last one year, and she listened to it rather attentively, probably visualizing the high profile MEA events I attended, in the back of her mind..

XXX

I admire her a lot and she is pretty affectionate to me.. She inquired about my father too, though she has been more fond of my mother and does not really have a very high opinion about him..

Her only daughter, married with two teenager kids, had come to spend the long summers with her.. and it was only yesterday she took leave of her as her sons school reopened today..

The 80 something lady said she was feeling rather nostalgic and it was great that I had come to see her.. Among other things, we discussed literature..

And she is very fond of the subject although she had been a professor in History..

XXX

(June 23, 00:43am)

Last few days in Patna... Because I am taking up a new job in Delhi, there would not be holidays anytime soon.. I'm doing mumma's yearly shraddh rituals in advance, hence.. On Wednesday..

I don't think I'd be able to come back in September, when the occasion naturally falls..

XXX

I have decided I will save money now.. I have got an increment and in any case, even in my old salary at IANS, I would have saved a lot had I not rented out an apartment in a posh locality..

This time I am not gonna spend more than 12K a month on the lodging.. If I compare this to the 18K that I was doling out last time I save 6K.. plus the increment is there..

My Mami who lives in Kolkata wants me to save 14k a month religiously.. and throw this away into a RD account..

I guess she is right.. I must abide by what she advises me..

XXX

(June 20, 11:42pm)

It is that time again when I am packing up after a long stay at my mom's apartment in Patna.. The river-view apartment by the banks of holy Ganges..

Nestled in lush grounds in the heart of the city, from where the balconies offer a view of the city's vast expanse, this is the perfect place to unwind after a day's work or think of or do things that inspire great literature...

In the night, from the windows at the rear end of the house, you can see constellation of stars bending down to kiss the serene waters of the river..

Would you not understand, then, what a melancholy it might bring to even think of locking up this place and go back to the noisy hustle of New Delhi's crowded streets?

XXX

I have signed on as the chief reporter of The Sunday Guardian, which is the print vertical of NewsX.. I would also be looking after the desk team as chief copy editor..

The position is in the bureau and hopefully there would be again a glamorous ministry to look after..

In IANS, I had been looking after the MEA and Congress.. I left it for some time, and in any case, I had already sought a work-from-home arrangement in the past months..

XXX

A lot of people spread the word, that I was out of offer... Poor creatures, they did not know offers had been pouring in every two weeks.. But I was reluctant to take up anything outside the bureau..

It had taken me a good toil to get into the bureau, and no hike in compensation would tempt me to accept a city beat..

Thankfully, I have found a good platform again... And this being a weekly there would be some time to myself, I hope.. May be I would read more.. write more.. may be start the book..

XXX

(June 20,11:25pm)

For a long time I have not been writing.. and I believe it is better to write rather than try and find excuses why I did not...

Yes, I explained to you earlier I had been disturbed... not that I was out of plans.. But there was a hurry in my part...

I sometimes want everything to fall in place as imagined in the plan.. and I want that to fall in place all at once..

There is an unmanageable rigidness that stops me to give more time to the issues at hand, or if a plan is not working out, try out an alternate one.. No, I am not devoid of ideas.. but it is the hurry.. a second leg of action would mean a longer wait... and I am not prepared to accept it...

But in all these months since the dawn of the new year, I tutored myself to be more patient.. To allow time for the plans to realise.. and in the meantime, lose neither hope nor the energy to do so many other things that beg for attention in everyday life..

I hope I will be more patient.. and wiser.. and that pacified state of mind would also mean I would write more often..

XXX 

(June 3, 21:49pm)

I am reviewing some job offers.. Will let you know..

I plan to start working from July 1.. what do I do in the mean time? Currently, I am working for this news portal on a freelance basis.. A Kashmir based news portal that is opening a branch office in Delhi..

I'm recruiting their staffers.. but that does not absorb all my time.. I do have leisure.. and I am free to travel.. If I had the money, I would have gone to this village in Himachal..

Khajjar!

That's a serene meadow in the foothills of Himalayas.. Water bodies abound and hills dot the place from all sides..

Will I one day be able to have a farm house in such tranquil, far-from-the town haven?

I hope, I do..

But for now, I do not have the money to travel.. so, I guess I will read... and write my thoughts here, over this blog..

XXX

(Apr 28, 2:44am)

It is common among us to think of a past era and conclude it to be more happy and more blissful..

It is our way to run away from the complexities of today, and imagine that what was past was also necessarily simpler..

Was it?

The other day, as the families assembled in the ground following earthquake aftershocks here, I heard those children discussing the homework..

One was very scared that he had not been able to learn the tables.. and as he narrated the horrifying demeanour of the Maths teacher, it seemed to me that this unseen person was the most brutal of all..

And it was clear, that it seemed to the child that his Maths teacher would most certainly devour him up the next day... for his failure at this "learn by heart" assignment..

Hadn't we all been at his stage and situation in the past?

Didn't it seem to us then, that the lives of adults was so much more superior.. as it seems to us today that the lives of these little children is free of burden?

And still, we run away... into some different situation.. sometimes we imagine ourselves, during our happy dreams, in the shoes of somebody else.. somebody who we think is happier.. somebody who is our neighborhood example of a successful man.. somebody who we perhaps envy..

But do we, in the midst of it all, realise we too are subjects of envy... that there may be so many out there who think we have the more pleasant circumstances?

I think, we ought to... That will make us content... that will make us aware of and embrace the gifts God gave us.. that will end the desire in us to seek happiness in idle reveries that do not come true..

XXX

(Feb 11, 9:50am)

I can't explain this lethargy in writing.. but all I can hope is I would write again... In fact, this is not lethargy.. this is something else..

So many things keep me preoccupied... when my mind is sad, I can still write.. as writing to me is a way to come out of my agony..

But when I am entangled in everyday chores, work, settling out other issues, writing takes a back seat..

I have noticed writing is a great healing process when I am depressed.. but the same is not true when I am overworked.. In that situation, reading seems to be a more joyful excercise..

XXX