(Dec 29, 5:44pm)

I don't even have the option now to say, "Hi, I'm back to blogging."

I have done that earlier, and then not lived to the promise I made.. I don't know what exactly is happening.. Why am I constrained..

I think the first thing is, I am no longer quick.. there are times, and there are events, when I feel, oh yes, this should go to my diary..

But I am not prompt enough to pen it.. and at a later time, that feel is no longer present..

XXX

But, I would feel miserable if I do not write anything during the year end.. but how could I not write anything, while in Patna, attending my best friend's marriage back home?

I'd be so tired.. I attended all the functions.. but I could not bring myself to write..

Second reason is personal.. I am brooding too much about the material things perhaps..

No, I'm not planning to get married.. though, yes, like every person does in his late 20s, I am hearing so many people talk about and discuss my marriage more than perhaps I would ever do..

I am definitely thinking about buying an apartment... But can I afford the loans? Yes, if I do away with my Patna apartment, my mom's house for which I pay a fat rent every month..

But that's like cutting my roots... brushing away every trace of my childhood days..

XXX

Then there's my father... the relationship is much better now, but then there's so much uncertainty.. there is this relative of his, who has eyes on his property...

Is that bothering me too much?

I can't answer in yes or no.. I'm not money obsessed.. but unlike my mother, I'm not totally withdrawn from seeking any kind of material comfort or security..

And I genuinely believe, if you are living in the material world, you should not have that attitude..

Because it ends up bothering your family and children.. Like when mum passed away, I did have very uncertain times...

Though, ultimately, I started getting her family pension - via my father, who she did not divorce in her lifetime - and there was money to take care of the Patna house and the servants..

Either you are an ascetic living in the Himalayas, or you are practical.. but then you see, I'm getting bitter.. perhaps critical of my own mum, whom I have loved beyond everybody else..

XXX

Anyway, coming back to dad, he is so uncertain.. he would not discuss anything about the future.. When I do, he will effortlessly make the conversation meander into all sort of philosophical things, with no solutions in sight..

I get irritated.. and this relative truly loves this... frankly, I don't give a shit if she manages to get away with all my father's property..

But she must not get what is my mum's... mum was so impractical.. she left her jewellery, and a treasure of that, in a joint account with dad.. even though she had left dad when I was just a few months..

She owned a joint land with my dad... she didn't do anything about it in her lifetime.. now, I'm afraid what if this relative usurps even mom's share of the money which rightly should be mine?

XXX

So, these thoughts tire me.. I don't want to write about them, least think about them.. but your state of mind does reflect when you write something..

May be these are the reasons I don't write too often.. but anyway, this is year end.. and I'm planning to write again.. seriously..

We will see.. I cannot be cowed down by circumstances.. I have seen worse, and with the Goddess' blessings, surmounted them..

XXX

Yes, there is one more reason.. Now I really want to write my novel.. that's not happening... and then when I'm writing the blog, I feel as if I'm just into smaller things, missing out on the larger aspiration..

But you know what, these are all negativity... you are not doing one thing, and that is stopping you from not doing another..

The approach should be, do whatever you can at the moment, and try putting up more effort to finish the other ones too..

Action brings action, lethargy leads to more inertia.. so, may be that could be a new year resolution..

Let's keep doing the good action, and as far as the material questions are concerned, may be the positivity generated by my actions will take care of them..

And then the Goddess is always with me!

XXX