(February 26, 6:56pm)

Submitted the short story finally..To the Commonwealth contest..and four days before entries closed..It's about a boy and his silent anxiety..as his mother readies herself for her remarriage..19 years after father died..

Apprehension..angst..betrayal..panic..fury..all come together into weaving a 600-word plot..hope this was decent enough..

XXX

(February 25, 5:46pm)

Looking ugly.
And this can't be helped.

XXX

Because, first, for some strange reason, if im not having any stubbles, im looking dull and dismayed..for the past few months..and please, i can't have stubbles all the time..

It itches..

XXX

Secondly, im attempting to grow my hair..like it was before 2008...but the process is unnerving...it looks so unkempt..i mean once you have grown it full length, you can shape it as you desire..but before that, it's so unmanagable..and so untidy..

At least for the last five times, i have crossed half the mark..at the risk of being hideous..and then chopped it finally...as the mirror said "eeks!"

XXX

Today again, my resolution is beginning to flee..
lets see..

XXX

(February 9, 4:57pm)

Yesterday was grannie's 10th death anniversary and i couldn't really do anything..except pray, and wish for her well-being..

yeah, her well-being..i strongly believe in the Hindu doctrine of life..which says, life manifests itself in many forms..while it travels through the cosmos, in time and in space..as if some stream of impervious energy threading itself with eternity....how can death deny us existence, when we had been living much before we were born?

XXX

If maa were there, i'd have asked her to get a grand puja done..for her peace..for her comfort..which is not to belittle the significance of silent, simple prayers rendered by the heart..

XXX

Lawyer tells me they have a strike in Patna HC..till 21st or 22nd..after which he will file a contempt of Court...The uni has forfieted the 6 weeks it was asked to reply within..

XXX

(February 17, 4:57pm)

Mr M called again..he says mom has some FD of 1 lacs..which can be surrendered after march 31st..

Yeah, even i think she has...He told me how in 2008 mumma had gone rushing to him on march 30th, for filing her IT dues..31st was the last date..and he says, while preparing her papers in only a day, he had also advised her for investing, as otherwise, she would have ended paying up some 3 lacs...

But mumma, on the contrary, wanted to donate the 2 lacs she had then to some public hospital..as that would not just get her tax reliefs, it would help the needy too..

But according to Mr M, he had somehow managed to convince her against it..at least partly..he says mumma had donated only 1 lac, and had invested the rest..

And Mr. M also thinks she could not have possibly surrendered it midway, because it was not a flexifix..it cannot be surrendered before 2011..He was totally sure of it, since he said he himself had done the paper-works..mumma had only signed..

Yeah, i remember..mumma had donated the amount to Modi's trust...But where are the bond papers for the FD..i had searched her cupboard and other things while in patna..it's not there..

I dont even have any clues about the policy number..or anything that can help me get duplicate papers issued..Even Mr M doesnt have a photocopy..it was the last day for filing IT..and he himself had to hush hush things..

So now what?

Our stocks are going to last till only March 31st..unless her retirement dues are released before that..but thats expecting too much..it's Bihar, and in some ways, things just dont change there..

But 31st march is also the day when the policy can be surrendered..so?
Is this some arrangement by the Gods?

XXX

(February 16, 3:37pm)

Mr M had just called..he told me mom had actually drawn the entire amount from her gratuity..so there's nothing we can get..okay..fine enough..But it comes as a big stinker..

I was counting on that..i thought some 70k bucks were left still..and i could get that..but nothing seems to turn up as i had been expecting...PF, he says, is still pending..although he feels LE could be released by month end..

What do i do now?

God, I have no clues..but then again, its the Gods who have..and I just hope they timely intervene..31st March..that it is..i need cash flowing before that..

XXX

(February 13, 4:54pm)

Im much in the same uncertainty of mind..im just not able to decide whats rational,whats not....seems like my judgemental abilities have totaly timed out..

My friend tells me,"Do whatever your heart tells you.." "Then i should be closing down in my 12by14 bedroom-suite at Grands Pallavi.."

"That's not feasible" he shoots back..

"Then...why talk about heart at all."

XXX

(February 13, 3:07pm)

So all our money will be over on March 31st...then..where do i go? what do i do from here?

My job cant nearly maintain the house there...
Mr. M says my mom's file is still "moving."...

but with what pace, and at what direction, i do not know..it's been five months..whatever we had will be over soon..I told Mr. M, to get in touch with the gratuity department..heard that's the easiest to get..

And although that wouldnt last long, as unlike other things, mom had already encashed most of it..but it can atleast set aside bankruptsy for another two months i guess..

I'll be calling Mr M tomorrow again..my lawyer too..he would be filing a reminder prayer tomorrow..

Why should this ever happen to me..i have grown up in adequacy..more than that..much more..and now see...

XXX

(February 11, 7:34pm)

Should i make this official today?
upon this blog????

XXX

I don't know..i've never been at such quandary in life..at least not on deciding things..

I think im always clear about what i want in life...what would suit my temperament..or about what is required to satisfy my instincts..which, at any rate, are intense and over-riding..

Im intense about most things in life..relationships, associations, urges, hobby, passion, my craft, my writing..i have never learned to be placid...i think i'll rust if i ever rest..and that restlessness shows everywhere..even the way i pursue things..only that people notice that seldom..

They think im too focussed..but the old professor at ACJ had actually guessed it..he realised it's more related to my own apprehensions and the unsurities that i imagine are present in my life..although he thought i was good..

XXX

Im just not able to decide..being on two minds is so difficult..and for me, personally, it's painful..i become more apprehensive about my imagined perception of myself..where of-course im naive and vulnerable...and under threat from the unkind tides..

XXX

(February 9, 6:28pm)

Everyday i decide I'll record this, and then forget..remember i told you about the memory loss! Anyway, that makes it doubly important to record..

I dreamt of mom again..on the night of 4th..and although that's not totally uncommon, i have made it a point to register those dreams, that looked more real than others..

XXX

Like in this one, i had been waiting for her in the living room..squatting on the carpet half asleep..and holding on to my favourite orange couch for support..

Yeah, you guessed it...it was pretty dark and late, and mom had not yet returned.. but then, here is the element of surprise..rather than fretting or anything, or pressing upon Sarda Devi to send maa faster, i was quiet and without emotion..

May be in acceptance of the sad truth, that i seemed to remember in the dream..dreams are meant to be cosy..they are meant to flatter you against your miseries..nothing like that..

XXX

The door-bell suddenly rings..

On other occasions, when i had actually been waiting for her, in the same position around the same time, it wouldnt..For, just as the lift halted at the 7th floor, id be quick enough to storm open the door, discerning her footsteps, before she actually pressed it!

Anyway, this time, im not even bothered to see who's knocking..and still, Mumma is home..she sits in the carpet there, like she would usually do, and tries beginning a talk..

But i would not respond..whats the use, i tell her...its just an illusion, after all..she reasons it is not..she tries making me happy..she tries rousing me from my despair..and i cannot tell exactly when I give in..

We are talking..
over the carpet..
around the orange couch there!

XXX

Oh, by the way i completed 100 days at office yesterday..no, i wasnt counting everyday..it so happened that i was just trying to kill time yesterday..as i wanted to say "happy b'de" to a dear ACJ friend..just as the clock struck 12..and one of the ways, was to count the days of-course..

XXX

Okay, it's time for semi-re arrangement..i know semi is so incomplete, but what to do..it's better than chaos at least..but, i still need few more days to make that official..stay tuned for news!

XXX

"No Saraswati Puja in this foreign land," I told a friend yesterday..who had buzzed me in festive excitement..it's lovely sight in Patna around this time..we celebrate there big way!

Anyway, i did my part diligently here too..looking at the Goddess on my computer screen, i chanted the mantra 108 times and offered prayers..May the deity grant them!

XXX

1992 was specially memorable..actually, unlike Durga puja, which is more etched in my heart, there really aren't many Saraswati pujas that i remember sharply..

It was a cold january night..and mumma, as old habits never really go, hadnt turned up..Poor me, i was doubly anxious..first, i was crying relentlessly to Sarda Devi..and petitioning her to avert anything wrong..and second, i desperately hoped, mumma would shop that long list of "Pooja Samagri"...without which prayers wouldnt be possible next day..

And in that case, it would be humiliation added to despair..

Because i had invited this next door doctor, who was our new neighbour...and had even given him some really inspiring accounts of how we celebrated every year..

And now here was my mom who wasnt turning up..plus, i was also curious about our new sitter, who she was supposed to bring..

XXX

At around 8:30 they turned up..mumma had brought exactly everything that was required..i checked many times..meticulously..yes, there was the photo of the Goddess..the garlands..the marigold flowers..sandal sticks..the exact varieties of fruits that grannie had listed..the sweets, and other stuff too!

XXX

I was so delighted....we're having the puja..we're having it..i wont be embarrassed at the sight of the doctor tomorrow..even the governess was a "manageable type"..and hopefully id be able to disregard her..

XXX

Next day, i remember, we had had the puja and had served the doctor too..and then gone for lunch to Rupali..and from there to grannie's place..who needed to approve Jyoti..guess that was her name..if memory serves me right!

XXX

(February 8, 7:06pm)

A rainbow on a gloomy night..that's how i felt as Madhuri frilled her pink lehenga deliriouly arcross Shahrukh, who stood there silently...his dark ensemble as if some monument of granite!

Watching them perform was a lifetime's moment for me..it was brilliant..it was sensuous..it was like Mother Nature spreading her verdour again..upon barren lands, where hope had long perished!

XXX

I got reminded of Dil to Pagal Hai, that i had watched as a young boy holding on to my mother's hand in '97..and I remebered how that night, battling December's cold in the comfort of my room, I had desired secretly, "why ain't they together in real life too."

With scant regard for Gauri, who was expecting Aryan then..And looks like I just haven't grown..I was possessed with the thought again...last night..and this time disregarding not just Gauri, Mr. Nene too!

XXX

(February 6th, 6:08pm)

Shahrukh and madhuri setting the stage on fire tonight..Ba ba voom, bar Bar voom...How i wish Yash chopra ensemble them again..with some super sensuous, super romantic innings to play!

XXX

February 6th...last year, that is when i flew back to Chennai..after an unusually longish holiday at home..mumma hadn't been keeping well..

But when i finally left, there wasn't anything to daunt my spirits..she was cured..in fact on 5th we had taken her to this surgeon..and the reports were rather generous..

XXX

By the way, that was a chance long-drive with her that day..my last one..It so happened, the driver was a novice..and he actually drove us some 15-17 kms, before we reached the place..we saw the new roads..and the traffic there..which were once deserted and undone..we crossed over the new bridges too..

I was sitting at the back with her..while bro was in front..After the visit, mom even went to Rajasthan..despite a warranted annoyance that i tried imposing on her..We waited in the car, as she had her brunch..and got something parcelled..

XXX

On 6th morning, it was relatively brighter..i felt assured..it was a gorgeous morning..and the world looked merry and delectable..

XXX

Mumma would sometimes so easily shed her personality to make others happy..like that day, she stooped from the 7th floor balcony and waved at me with a child's glee..and i swooped at her too..upwards from the auto..looking at her fleeting sight..and watching her hair waver against the wind...

She smiled more effulgently..and waved more fastly..and more untiringly..while I balanced myself against the speeding vehicle, and called out at her...and she did that too...and many times more...as if some child's frolic replacing our thoughts..

XXX

And the world watching us in amusement!

XXX

(February 5, 5:42pm)

10 years since that morose Sunday of February 18, 2001...
God, it's been ages..

XXX

I saw her last on 10th i guess..when i hopped from school to uncle's place..where she lay on her bed with the back rest..she smiled at me..and despite a feeble health imposing upon her spirits, she tried to make it a broad one..she asked me what maa had cooked for lunch....

I recounted obediently..But her attention wandered..and her memory too had been flickering that day..filling me with horror..filling me with dismay..

Was it time, finally??

XXX

When Mami (maternal uncle's wife) came to see me off, i waved at her one last time..she nodded affectionately..before the back-rest slipped, and mami ran to her for support..i waved again..and she also nodded again..but with some effort..

XXX

How i wish i had had known it was the last time..i'd have then bowed down and kissed her hands..which had fondled me and carassed me..cared for me and cooked for me..i would have stopped the clock, and remained by her..without rest,without respite..pressing her feet, reading her books..

XXX

But time conceals the truth..
as we need to prepare for it and fight with it..

XXX

On 11th i visited the parlour which was a stone's throw from grannie's place..i remember how i really was tempted to see her again..i had in fact walked half the lane already, from where her house was visible..but then suddenly retracted..

Mama and Maa had not been talking for sometime, and it felt awkward..of-course he wont say or do anything to me..but still, it felt wierd to be there again..after only a night..

XXX

On 13th or may be 14th, grannie had an illusion that i had come..she forced mami to go looking for me..but then, it was just a salesman outside..

XXX

On 17th i missed my last chance to see her..it was saturday, and a half-day at school..i had planned to quickly change at home and have lnch, and then rush to see her..but outside the school-gate, after classes were over, some juniors gheraoed me..

Times were different then..I was not a recluse as some people know me now..i had had following among the juniors..who liked me and loved me..and who also wanted to see me win...they said AK had been alarmingly planning for the council polls, and that something needed to be worked out soon..

When i finally was home after the discussions, i was too listless..and mumma too was away..i thought we'd go together when she comes..but then, she came at only 8 and we had to postpone it for the next day..

XXX

On Sunday dawn, I dreamed myself trying to reach for her..there was this long, stretch of road that connected to grannie's place..i was there in the rickshaw, passing by that old temple that lay beneath the tree..it's doors were locked, and the Goddess was nowhere there..it was cold and dark outside, and the rustling of leaves made an eerie feel..

I kept telling the rickshaw-wallah to drive more fastly, but strangely nothing would move..

XXX

Morning:

Mumma told me she had packed noodles for grannie....i was hurriedly getting ready..but then, just as i had taken bath and was about to put on the jacket, the door-bell rang..

XXX

Our phone wasnt functioning, and so this neighbour had been asked to convey the news!

XXX

(February 4, 6:15pm)

Is destiny unfolding itself again?

May be it is..but i am not totally sure..or may be i dont want to read too much hope at this point and then feel let down..it makes it more miserable you see..

XXX

But i have my own way of handling that...i have noticed, whenever it's actually time for some metamorphosis, i start behaving more desperate...and that includes totally closing in, and not taking calls of even those who are my closest..i begin playing up my adversities, and i also start imagining it was the end of it..

Of-course that's just faking it, but over the years i think i have mastered it enough..i don't need to attempt it now..it's become spontaneous!

XXX

You may say this is de-constructive..but then, you are not in my place and you have no idea of how it feels being here..so don't be judgemental..you may be rightly dismissive, but you can't be totally accurate in your perception..as i said, you are not in my place..so you are more likely to perceive it from an angel that judges the behaviour, but may be not the situation that goads it!

XXX

And then frankly, what's wrong in employing anti-constructive (thats how i see it) techniques, if it relieves you of your pain..i mean it actually does..say if the desired luck pulls in, it feels great..im not just happy, i also am "surprised" at the good tidings..and just as unexpected troubles are more wayward to handle, unexpected luck too is doubly relieving!

XXX

Anyway, it's been some 17-18 of Miss K's calls, that ive missed..Apoorva too..he got scared and asked Ashu to try calling me..this time i had to receive it..this guy has done so much at the funeral, i cant be indifferent to him..

XXX

Lets see..the two guys are not calling me now..may be they know i need some time to myself..i like them both so much..i hope i am able to get back to them soon..

XXX

It would be 10 years of grannie's passing away..how time distances us from people we love..18th Feb..where would I be then?

XXX