(February 9, 6:28pm)

Everyday i decide I'll record this, and then forget..remember i told you about the memory loss! Anyway, that makes it doubly important to record..

I dreamt of mom again..on the night of 4th..and although that's not totally uncommon, i have made it a point to register those dreams, that looked more real than others..

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Like in this one, i had been waiting for her in the living room..squatting on the carpet half asleep..and holding on to my favourite orange couch for support..

Yeah, you guessed it...it was pretty dark and late, and mom had not yet returned.. but then, here is the element of surprise..rather than fretting or anything, or pressing upon Sarda Devi to send maa faster, i was quiet and without emotion..

May be in acceptance of the sad truth, that i seemed to remember in the dream..dreams are meant to be cosy..they are meant to flatter you against your miseries..nothing like that..

XXX

The door-bell suddenly rings..

On other occasions, when i had actually been waiting for her, in the same position around the same time, it wouldnt..For, just as the lift halted at the 7th floor, id be quick enough to storm open the door, discerning her footsteps, before she actually pressed it!

Anyway, this time, im not even bothered to see who's knocking..and still, Mumma is home..she sits in the carpet there, like she would usually do, and tries beginning a talk..

But i would not respond..whats the use, i tell her...its just an illusion, after all..she reasons it is not..she tries making me happy..she tries rousing me from my despair..and i cannot tell exactly when I give in..

We are talking..
over the carpet..
around the orange couch there!

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Oh, by the way i completed 100 days at office yesterday..no, i wasnt counting everyday..it so happened that i was just trying to kill time yesterday..as i wanted to say "happy b'de" to a dear ACJ friend..just as the clock struck 12..and one of the ways, was to count the days of-course..

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Okay, it's time for semi-re arrangement..i know semi is so incomplete, but what to do..it's better than chaos at least..but, i still need few more days to make that official..stay tuned for news!

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"No Saraswati Puja in this foreign land," I told a friend yesterday..who had buzzed me in festive excitement..it's lovely sight in Patna around this time..we celebrate there big way!

Anyway, i did my part diligently here too..looking at the Goddess on my computer screen, i chanted the mantra 108 times and offered prayers..May the deity grant them!

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1992 was specially memorable..actually, unlike Durga puja, which is more etched in my heart, there really aren't many Saraswati pujas that i remember sharply..

It was a cold january night..and mumma, as old habits never really go, hadnt turned up..Poor me, i was doubly anxious..first, i was crying relentlessly to Sarda Devi..and petitioning her to avert anything wrong..and second, i desperately hoped, mumma would shop that long list of "Pooja Samagri"...without which prayers wouldnt be possible next day..

And in that case, it would be humiliation added to despair..

Because i had invited this next door doctor, who was our new neighbour...and had even given him some really inspiring accounts of how we celebrated every year..

And now here was my mom who wasnt turning up..plus, i was also curious about our new sitter, who she was supposed to bring..

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At around 8:30 they turned up..mumma had brought exactly everything that was required..i checked many times..meticulously..yes, there was the photo of the Goddess..the garlands..the marigold flowers..sandal sticks..the exact varieties of fruits that grannie had listed..the sweets, and other stuff too!

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I was so delighted....we're having the puja..we're having it..i wont be embarrassed at the sight of the doctor tomorrow..even the governess was a "manageable type"..and hopefully id be able to disregard her..

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Next day, i remember, we had had the puja and had served the doctor too..and then gone for lunch to Rupali..and from there to grannie's place..who needed to approve Jyoti..guess that was her name..if memory serves me right!

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