(March 29, 1:14pm)

The bandit and the false duke think if they simply kept badgering about my posts, i'd be dedicating more space and time to them...how do i tell them they are worth less than pebbles for me...Yeah, i'd definitely retort to each one of their comments soon...

But that's not for entering into any scuffle with those creatures, who, together, anyway, are a tepid poetry in motion...I'd be retorting because i care about people who like me and think for me...and i also care about my those critics too, who, although disapproving of me, appreciate things and situations by its merit and not biases...i do value those few critics from acj too....and would be writing for them, and my other friends soon....

XXX

Btw, these creatures said i enjoyed hotel and free food!

Hello, even the ToI has offered to give me three-star stay at Goa..and for full two weeks...they said if i had the guts i tried asking my new boss for ten day leave..Hello again, leave first day, even before joining they relaxed the date by a whole week!

XXX

World is full of sensible people...particularly in the hindu, there's an abundance of them...not to mention, the thoughtful reporting head who is so supportive and affectionate to freshers, and readily motivates them...and the best part about good behaviour is, it doesnt cost you anything

Try learning from them, rather than being Kill-Joys of all season!

XXX

(March 26, 8:41pm)

This time im not gonna chronicle it day by day..
although thats usually how i do when im home, and holidaying...

Depends..too many things happening at quick intervals..and i guess that cant be reflected on entirely!

XXX

Still, 21st evening was more nostalgic than others..and strangely i didn't see anybody that day..i was just killing time idly..

It was dusk and the tv was on..though i wasnt really audience..we have a large sitting room...some 800 sq-ft..with windows greeting the river at the back..and the ones on front offering you tempting views of the sky and parched lands..

There are too many curtains...like you see in the movies...long and broad ones...to divide the hall...otherwise it seems empty and secluded...

Wind was coming in gusts, and there was nobody there...nudging the 25 metres of cotton and silk on all sides...and swinging them effectively..and with rustling sound..

But it wasn't eerie still...the diya and the gods were right there..in the anti-chamber beside the couch..

XXX

I was just sitting there...without watching the tv...and without thinking about anything really...like the sad ladies in the illiads do..wailing silently while the soul-mate is away..and when the wind, and the rains, and the silence- in that vision- all come to torment your spirits!

XXX

And suddenly P***** came..an unsought visit...but a very adorable one..he had taken days off specially to come and see me..Holi, he said, was less important...he studies in final year B.tech...in NIT Jamshedpur...and has been one of my loyalest friends..

Many people at school liked me for my mettle..but he's been one, who wouldn't desert me if all of that was gone, even!

XXX

I offered to make him tea, but he said, that was less important again...he's always been encouraging..he says i'll become a very good writer..he says, the Harry Potter author too had been in similar situations...in solitude and without money..and that will work to my advantage!

XXX

Although brief, his stay that evening- like a wonderful punctuation amid grey notes- has stayed on in my memories...we talked about so many things together...

XXX

An ACJ friend rung up and asked me if i was aware about the nasty comments put up on my posts.."Oh yes," i told her..

"Why not give a befitting reply then?" she was baffled.
"Of-course we trust you, and do not really need to hear anything from you." "But others might be reading that too..others who may not have known you at acj, and who do not really know about your sense of discipline."

"And why don't you delete the comments between?"

XXX

The talk couldn't be completed...as work was beckoning, i had to excuse myself...but really i need to answer her..

okay..hope you don't mind the response coming over this blog, dear!

XXX

First, regardless of what the bandit and the false duke think, im not a coward..and hence, there's no question of deleting comments..if that was my way, i could have done that so many times earlier..but anon 1 to 99 to God knows how many, are witness i never looked the easier way..

I respect people for their views, and would never stifle them from saying what they think of me..but of-course, it has to be decently-toned..and of-course, ill respond only if there is some meaning there..

And that answers the second question...why i'm not replying to their malicious after-thoughts...some people are just sick..and you cant change them..

XXX

But yes, she has a point..while my acj friends all know (irrespective of whether they like me personally or not) that i've been dexterous at work...and always finished my assignments on time, and been sincere otherwise, others might not be really knowing that..and a silence on my part may goad them into believing rumour-mongers..

I'm referring to the deleterious comments the bandit and the false duke have been posting regularly..

XXX

When i checked my blog stats, i was taken aback...some 117 ppl have read my last post..and obviously the comments too..but it's gods' bounty on me, that none of them have bothered to rung me up or seek answers, or gossip...thank you my dear acjians..

Anyway..for those who constitute the 117, but ain't from ACJ...I'd be answering you soon..and responding to each one of the comments..stay tuned..

XXX

(March 21, 4:12pm)

A couple of days ago I read Sridevi's interview...and thought how her life echoed mine...sometimes you have everything from success to money, and adulation..and yet you feel lonely and depressed..

Her life, she tells, became wayward after her father's death..and despite all the brave fights she put in, God didnt relent...whether supporting an ailing mother or looking after younger sis, she battled hurdles and sorrow and yet, not once letting it show...

Much like after grandmama's death, mumma became uncontrollable...with her money, with her resources..and yet, i remained quiet..i let others believe i was happy...and in affluence...and may be i was genuinely happy...at least genuinely in abundance if not affluence..but then you dont like reduced version of things..

Comfort, luxury, love, i had all..and still there was hollowness...and undefined one...an overwhelming one..people will relate that to man's want for more...but that's just like looking from your small window and believing the sky measured 2by6!

Which is to say, a crap assessment!

Sri rose film by film, improving zealously with each performance....but just as she was scaling new highs, her mother had cancer..like my mother passed away just as i was readying for my first job..

XXX

People thought i was a happy lot..they saw me excel in studies..and do well otherwise..live in abundance...but they were just people measuring the sky from their little windows...and counting only the stars....which are like pebbles on a gloomy floor...

XXX

But i can comprehend Sri when she says she had it...but she never felt she had enjoyed it...the comfort, the success sometimes are useless adornments..peace is essential..

XXX

One spineless creature is following my blog...and it's such an annoyance..

XXX

Holi was natural...i mean, just as the colours merge one upon the other, the darker hues prevailing...i too allowed the moods to prevail upon me, without really making efforts to be either happy or sad..

I cooked...no maids come on Holi since in Patna it's riot-like..the streets are all deserted, and shops closed...And yet, it was such sweet of Ashu to volunteer to come and take me his place...though i refused...why should i let him become the subject of somebody's prank...he has a costly two-wheeler..

Nobody from decent families move out during the day time..it's such bad..and yet he wanted to come...more than his own festivities, he was unsettled to think i was all alone...

By the way, i was alone..it didnt even occur to me..anyway, he sent apurva to take me to his place in the evening..how thoughtful...at least the gods have given friends like him..

XXX

(March 19, 3:20pm)

Finally free!

XXX

It gives me such peace..it gives me new zeal, new desire..a new-found energy to live and sustain..and revitalise..

It's sad that my first job experience had to be a gory one..but that is certainly not to demean the coveted daily I had been working for..It's just the person in-charge..who i see and judge in isolation..and hence blame the company not remotely...

XXX

But what do i say about that Dombivelli brought-up...some persons are so cheap and ill-bred...yes, ill-bred..otherwise he would not have troubled even a woman employee..and tormented me at my hour of distress...

Anyways, as the Bengalis put it: man's nature cant be moulded at twilight age..so why talk about him at all..this blog is for well-bred ACJians, not for Dombivelli brought-ups!

XXX

Now, Id quickly chronicle how the last 11 days unfolded for me..Reached Mumbai on 8th at around noon..and it was such sweet of Sh***q** to take a day off and receive me at the station..it was fun at his place..and Gawd, who'd say he lives in Mumbai..i mean it's not easy to rent a 2200 sq-ft apartment, even though he stays at Navi Mumbai..somewhere called Khargar..

He says he gives some 12K bucks, and shares it with another mate.."Is there a ghost in the house?" Thats the first thing i asked..Even at Noida, you dont get a 2200 sq-ft at 12k!

XXX

After dinner, he dropped me at Mumbai CST at around 11...and I was home before day-break on 10th..

And,

Home is home is home...you can live in luxuriest places, but the contentment eludes you unless you're home..

It was dark and cold..and should i say, a mess? By my standards, it's always a mess, anyway..but the maids who ensured everything was pass-muster by my levels in only two hours..Apurva dropped in before 10..we had breakfast and lunnh together..

After that I was off to uni, where Rohan's dad played the cool samaritan and helped in taking the files further...Rohan himself came at around 8..and took me for dinner at Vasanth Vihar...we had lots of talk and gossip and made plans for bigger hang-outs too!

XXX

11th I was mostly busy with uni work, and I guess nobody came..12th, Apurva and I went for Ashu's house-warming party, and caught up with another couple of friends, and then on Sunday, the four of them dropped in to my place again..and among movies and music, we had chicken too..and guess what, I cooked!

XXX

13th, all of us ganged up again..at the station..Sid had to leave for Bangalore..sadly...once you work, you are made to become the spoilsport in even bonding seasons..After he had left, Apurva made diligent plans for a liquor party, and categorically said those who didnt drink, courtesy me- had to be present too..

It was a big flop..except Pra****t, the lieutinent at Bhuj, nobody showed up...and so, we went to Raj Rasoi for lunch instead..and while i relished the chicken wings, Apurva kept telling the sniper, it was i who had "fixed" the no show-up...

XXX

Wednesday-Thursday, I dont remember meeting anybody..though Rohan dropped in after office both the days...Oh between, I had a silent but content Monday..it was six months...I got flowers and rose and decked up Mom's display pic at the sitting parlour..besides offering elaborate prayers and obesience the whole afternoon..

XXX

Friday was remarkable again..Ashu and Apurva gathered at my place...and ordered garlic bread sticks and pizzas from Dominoz..

XXX

Today again ASh came for a fleeting time...we did some marketing together, before he dropped me home..I dont know..im still in mourning period and supposed to abstain from festivities...

But I couldnt help seeing a famished kitchen..so got these snacks and all...im in no mood to indulge, but was kind of feeling low...so just filled up the store room with eatables...thought it shouldnt be such a grey holi afterall...

XXX

The lease of the house has been renewed between..but God knows how would I afford it..But thats exactly why i need not worry...you know when you read the same line again (but God knows how would I afford it), but without scepticim, it suddenly becomes an expression of faith..and not apprehension..

XXX

(March 6, 5:43pm)

Finally quitting The Hindu tomorrow...and the Gods and this ACJ girl both seem to reaffirm the decision..

I will tell you how!

After a hard day's work at office last night,i implored upon Gods to wake me up early..as i needed to queue up at the station..for my tatkal..and although they did wake me up quite many times, i felt i was entitled to little more sleep..till at least 7:30..

I was hopeless when i counted the number of men at 8:30 there..but then, as i sceptically enquired about the status at say around 9, sure of a "no", the person at the counter told me only one was left!

XXX

OKay, sometimes i seek advice from even people i haven't been in touch with, or those who have no clues how a particular situation posed itself..

It's my version of the tarot..random but accurate..So i rang up Ms Sn*** at around midnight, and told her Ms M (my acj colleague in office) and my jeremiad..a much mellowed version actually...wilfully toned down to fetch a definite "Give it some more time" response..but she surprised me with her assertive "you must call it a day."

XXX

And yes, i do count her opinion..just as people value the tarots, i have my own set of men and women who help me decide..sounds weird, but trust me it works..

XXX

Anyway bye bye Mangalore!

XXX

(March 3, 4:06pm)

Why am i alive?

what for...for whom...for what purpose...??

Nothing and nobody can make my life happy again...not even the Gods..who i have so meticulously prayed....all my life...and with blind trust..

Trust is always blind..because, when you calculate and only then believe, it's logic...it's pragmatism..it is like being a good judge of people and things around you..

Trust is totally different...
it's blind..it's always blind..

XXX