(January 31, 5:36pm)

I haven't been wanting to write for sometime now..but i guess microblogging would be good enough..so here's some brieflies..

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Okay, im happy that the Gods spoke to me at last..and this communication was just as much perceptible as had been their silence...But, then, im yet to hear from the Goddess..Let's see..i hope i re-connect..

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On the other hand, there's this memory lapses happening to me..since september actually..at first I thought this was periodic, and I'd be okay soon..perhaps as time distances itself from its murky positionings...but thats not how it is..my memory has not just been erratic, its deteriorating..

Anyways I'll wait for the re-arrangement,
once onto it, I might see the doc..

XXX

Madhuri Shahrukh performing on Filmfare nights!

God, thats like some ethereal poetry coming to life, and prawling into my soul forever!!

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Heard Srk looked suave in a black pathan suit, while Mads dazzled in baby-pink lehenga! I'd be missing their performances on the 6th on Sony..Work beckons, you see...but never mind, we have you-tube for rescue!

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Lets see what Thursday has in store for me..
I've left it on the Gods..long, long before!

XXX

(January 22, 10:36pm)

My depression has become more like caprice..it's happening in quick successions..rather than the longer ones earlier....i dont know if i should derive any positivity here..but, at least, this makes the pain less tormenting...and when im okay, i can also quickly make some damage controls, which werent otherwise possible..

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Why do i keep getting these glimmers of hope..nothing materialises..these just come around as fragments of good times, and then things are again wayward..i want something more complete, something which stays..lets see..im hopeful..and not because, it gives us happy illusions..hope for me is more than just thinking positive..it's associating with the divine..with the Gods..from where all trust and positivity stem..

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(Jamuary 21, 2:26pm)

I can't find either meaning or optimism in whatever is happening..it doesn't get brighter, and it doesn't go away either..

I guess i cant bank on "them" any more..it's too late to derive even any delusory positivity..in fact, i thought it was all over..but then, i get this call from some other party..who can also help...and may be more meaningfully..

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They said they'll get back to me today..but they haven't so far...why am i not like others? people wait much longer, and without once panicking or getting desperate..but look at me..it's less than 24 hours, and im already fretting..

When grandmumma was alive, i werent like this...i was carefree, i was happy go-lucky..all i knew in this world was, if i ever had had troubles, mumma would handle it away...i could just relax.. and pamper myself in the comfort..

But then granmumma left us, and mumma had her way..she became reckless with money..and i realised i was never relaxed or totally happy again..

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But as long as mumma were physically present, i was much happier..but i didnt know then..we do not generally recognise the beauty in our present worlds..we are glued to the future..which is more beautiful, more convinient..and we love it more, because it accommodates our whims too..unlike the present, which would want us change..but i guess thats just how we miss out on other things..may be trifle in value, but much truer in meaning!

XXX

What do i do if they dont call me?
how long should i wait before buzzing them up??

Any body else would wait at least a week, and my mind tells me exactly that..but i know, id have buzzed much earlier..may be today itself..

XXX

(January 20, 3:11pm)

Palatable illusions can give you a lot of relief, but sadly only temporarily..and so my depression is getting the better of me again..

it's good to hope, and visualise things in your mind..the ones you want, the way you want..and believing this will be reflected in real life too..

But then thats just a delusion of the mind..and no matter how pally and comforting it is, you get to come out at some point..and when you do, an even darker world awaits you..

In one hour, ill get to know my fate..either i'll make it, or i wont make it..then? what next? how do i sustain this.....my existence!

XXX

(January 19, 5:44pm)

An exasperating silence, thats all...seems like its all over from the other side..

Lets see.
may be i was just hoping too much over spilt milk..

Thats human nature,
and hence Im still hopeful.

We all love to hope..no matter how false,
it at least gives us palatable illusion..

XXX

(January 18, 5:31pm)

I feel so sidelined..there hasnt been any response from their side..ya, the same people...with whom things almost run wayward..or who knows, may be totally..there's this strange silence..what's in their mind, how are they gonna react? Im totaly clueless..

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I hope the Gods help out..even they seem to have forgotten me, particularly the Goddess..it's been ages since i spoke to her..i pray every morning without relent..but then, that's different..i havent been communing with the Goddess now..there was this time when she was the be all and end all..now i just offer her prayers, amongst other Gods..she doesnt talk to me anymore..and thats clearly perceptible..

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(January 17, 1:34pm)

I didn't think I'd be able to write for the souvenir..My school, St Xavier's is hosting the Jesuit reunion this year...it's a proud moment...a school gets to host it only once in its existence...they are taking out a year book, and the princi thought i should represent mid-90s to the early 2000s..

I hope they like it..
and i just wish i am able to attend it too..

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Apurva called me today, and so did Sid..they said they were missing me..I reciprocated the thought..it actually feels miserable...without both of them..they are such good childhood friends..

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Im yet to get any mail..you remember yestertday something almost soured, and how i tried to restore things..im yet to hear anything...let's hope my efforts aint wasted..its really detrimental to the re-arrangement thing!!

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Should i call up the tarot reader..she's a gifted psychic..will she be help? Im not able to decide..

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I dreamed about an ACJian friend of mine..last night...i was surprised, as i hadnt even been thinking of ACJ for long time..except Nishat sir, who had come to my place..anyway, he was the first term friend, who i havent spoken to since November 1..i saw we were in a station..perhaps some other ACJians were too..and not one of them greeted me..not him either..it felt weird..it felt sad..

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(January 16, 10:50pm)

I hope whatever i've done to keep bad news at bay, just works out...I'll pray again once i reach home...im sure the Gods will be there to help me..they will surely do something!

XXX

(January 16, 7:42pm)

Something very bad was just about to happen? I got the inkling through a mail..i just hope i can manage it somehow..otherwise this whole "re-arrangement" plan would go wayward...

I quickly mailed back and tried to avert things from turning futile..and I hope it works..i even sneaked from work into the godown and offered some quick prayers..

Pls Gods, pls...manage it...manage it..
just dont let this be waste, pls..

XXX

(January 16, 5:41pm)

We had to terminate Bharatiji's services...Couldn't help it...I dont think we can afford more helps at this time...

She was unwilling to go...I guess she found the work less cumbersome, and the compensation better than in most places..rather obvious reactions from somebody who survives on 2k a month, and with four toddlers to look after..I wish the Gods allowed me to be kinder...

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It's S's b'de today...every year we would have volumes of talking over the sms..so many old memories awoke this day..

I wished her from my flight..it was nothing flattering or extraordinary..other days, id prepare in advance, doing and redoing the Best Wishes lines..not any longer..

The camaraderie is very much there, but not the time or mood i think...it's the same on the other side...only that the situations are different, the worries are stranger!

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It's my Mousis (mother's sis) b'de too...the youngest one..she's now the only of the four sisters to survive..I have some incredibly bright memories of us celebrating the day..before grannie died and uncle could have his way..

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Mousi, unmarried and alone, couldnt help oblige his caprice..it's been five years since we talked...Last time, around 2007 i guess, when she saw me on the road, she sent her driver after me..but, before he could come, I got into an auto and left..

I mean, i feel either you be devoted in your concerns, or just dont pretend to be concerned at all..i know i shouldn't call that pretence, and most likely it is not..but, subdued concern and no concern, where's the difference..if you arent whole-hearted, you just arent there..

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That's a big reason i lose out on so many of my "good friends"..when i feel im no longer the attraction, i just walk out..its painful..very much to be true..and i guess attraction may not be the best word here..actually, im not able to explain..

I think im too loyal in my concerns..with friends, with relationships..there just cannot be being casuals there..but then, only few reciprocate..

XXX

(January 16, 3:02pm)

Who likes to be back for work..i hate it more because i have my situations adding to the sickness..anyways, Im Mangalore today...

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But not without some decisions!

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Mumbai airport was a big letdown..how could it be so shabby and lacklustre? Anyways, i had a comfortable night at Shivaji terminus, which i reached midnight, and from where i had this Mangalore flight today..

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Once again, four cities (Patna> Delhi> Mumbai> Mangalore) in just 17 hours..But then, home is home...there can never be any replacement to that..the best thing about our home is, it doesn't need to be all decked up or anything..you find comfort zone in even a mundane surrounding!

And i guess that applies to all..

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It was an idle but lovely evening at Mrs. Ghosh's place..on the 14th..The former MMC princi is such a lady of rank..at 82 and all alone, she still is example for everything playful, and is such brimming with hope...She's aristocrat, and her taste for fine things reflects in little gestures..like the tumbler in which she served me tea!

She asked me if i were as good in arts, literature and music as mum was..i smiled coyly and said: "The genes have shown, but only partly!"

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Should i consult the psychic? I read about Anamika (anamika.yaduvanshi@gmail.com/ anamikaatarot@gmail.com) on the Go-Air flight..will she have answers im looking for??

Im yet to make my mind..

Btw, the planets are tiding for the good i guess...that's what she had predicted about my zodiacs...well, hopefully!

XXX

(January 14, 11:58am)

The Sr*******ns are such powerful people...On my courtesy visit to the couple yesterday, they inquired if I'd like them to do anything..

I politely thanked them and told them everything was okay..He was furious that the uni had made "him" mumma's nominee and not the us two..He was just about to call a big shot before i told him this was not needed, as our lawyer was already looking into it.

He yet assured me he'd be there always should we need any interference..I actually sought his guidance on something else..about my career...and man, though i had asked him for just some counselling, within a span of seconds he buzzed up the Resident Editors of both HT and TOI..and the two fellows were actually such polite and obliging to me..it was flattering..more than that, it was funny..

They also counted some names who could help me in unwelcome situations, and said things would be alright..They have been mumma's very good friends...big names in academic circles..even the roads and lanes around their old bungalow are all named after their forefathers..

And yet, there's such humility in their conduct!

XXX

Mokidi is no more...read the news in the paper today..she died in her village..To the world she is Latika Renu, widow of the famous Phanishwarnath Renu..rung a bell?

If not, voyage back to your old Hindi textbooks...it's next to impossible they hadn't had a Renu contribution..and if you still cant figure that out, which is quite possible given our obsession with everything English, I tell you he's the creator of epics Maila AAnchal, Teesri Kasam and the like...

For us Mikidi was just Mokidi, sans the legends..Phanishwarnath was our nanu's dearest friend..he liked mumma a lot...Mokidi too..When Teesri Kasam released, the couple had taken mom and her three sisters for the premiere..they even walked the carpet with him..

XXX

It's four months now.

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I dint do anything special on Jan 12th..mumma would be so enthusiastic about Youth Day...and about everything that was youthful..by which she suggested vigour, hope and the keenness to combine the two and be zestful in life!

She didn't crib to be the winner..she would just want her students to be zestful, enthusiastic, giving everything their best shots..she felt, even a defeat would emanate a lot of respect then..and mostly, you'd win too..

There's this huge cultural event everyyear in Patna on the 12th..Don Bosco, st Miachael's, St Xaviers', Convent all flock at the Ramkrishna Mission premoises..She would be the Judge for Debates and other events..or on other times, when she refused, they would make her Guest of Honour..I loved accompanying her..days before, we'd plan our dress, contrast it..it felt such special!

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(January 13, 11:21am)

The leather shop really liked Mom i guess..yesterday, when i dropped in there to pick a couple of handbags, their excitement showed..they would just not let me go, unless i had talked for length and had had two rounds of tea.. "This awoke such glad memories, you see" the old gentleman told me!

He helped me choose the best picks, displaying merrily whatever he had and recounting his fond association with mumma..he told me about the crockery items she had gifted them, and also about other presents which were in compliments for the younger person's wedding...mumma never told me...she thought i would disapprove..may be i would..

It's a small shop without any ornaments, but their collection is good enough to entice you..The two bags priced at 1240, were then readily quoted down to 890 for me, and the younger person actually returned me a 150 when i gave him thousand!

They charged her only the base price i guess...

XXX

Bharatiji, our new maid, is a rather miserable lady..she has been roped in for the additional cleanings and other work while i am here..and as our wages are rather tempting for a day's work, she is keen on settling permanently.."we've never been helps," she told me..adding how her drunkard husband died five years back, leaving her and four toddlers at the mercy of Gods.."i had to feed them somehow, and so i compromised with my esteem." She's not faking it..she really is too immaculate for a help..

She said she feels sorry for us..but her expression also suggested we at least had the money...and hence we may not know what a devil solitude coupled with insufficiency is..

XXX

Should we hire her for good?

XXX

Anyways, Bharatiji doesn't know much about our actual resources..the truth is university is still to release us anything...unless the court proclaims only us and mumma are family...and not "he"..Lets see...i hope it's all done by March 31st..as that's when our resources would be over..

XXX

Lots of ppl to meet today...it's going to be another hectic day...

XXX

(January 11, 12:08 night)

The blower keeps her room warm...otherwise it is biting cold in Patna..and trust me, literally! I see they haven't outraged my instructions really..they dare not..

Im too harsh when it comes to having my way...especially with things that mirror my weakness..and so, the maids weren't allowed inside, and none of her belongings are displaced..except the study table, which had to be drawn farther from the bed, to accommodate the blower..but, that arrangement wasn't without my knowledge..so that's fine i guess..

XXX

And yet, i made a mountain of an issue, when i couldn't locate the last dress that she had worn..it must be right on the bed unfolded..later i apologised..it was there itself..only that they had pushed it to spread the blankets..but that again was as i desired..

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It's heartening to be home again..and its overtly more exuberant to be with mumma again..i know some would question, and many would feel sorry..they believe in the illusions of death..but luckily i do not...we all had existed before we were born..our mortal forms may end, but that cannot be the end in itself..

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The Gods too are there..i bowed and wished them from a distance..i hadn't had bath today..but that's okay..

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Apurva is so good..he made excuse from office and came to receive me at airport..and you know what, he had got me a jacket and hat too..so that i may not fall sick..such sweet gestures..they add meaning to your life..later we went to Amrapali in his new Waganor..it was such fun..Sid too was there..bro as well..it was totally frosty outside..but the sumptuous food lured us for the night-out..

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As i was getting ready for the outing, Rohan dropped by to say hullo..but he didnt come upstairs..i had to go down to the reception..he showed me his I-10, which they have bought only a month ago..he will come tomorrow with more time in hand..

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It's lovely to be home..But Gods, don't let this be a passing joy! Please Gods...be more merciful..

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(January 10, 9:46pm)

The whole night in the Volvo..scary..scary...man, its not even a sleeper..

And then one and half hours of travel to reach airport from majestic..plus three hours halt at Kol..and then finally, in the biting winter night, id be home..

Im cuming,
im cuming!

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(January 10, 5:06 pm)

Im going home tonight..im taking a bus for Bangalore..from where i have a flight for patna tomorrow..but before that, i change in kol around evening..

Why does that make me happy?
only memories await me, i must learn..

Then??

May be that's better than vaccum!

XXX

But that's not true in entirety..in fact, not remotely...there's much deeper meaning that i seek in memories...for me the past infact has flown to the present...and has given life its meanings!

XXX

(January 9, 11:02pm)

Madhuri looked terrific in Rajeev Masand interview..
She's got accent too..hmm...but is that good? whatever, im in no mood for a debate on ethnicity..

XXX

What wrongs did i do you M?
It was just way too heavier for a suitcase..

Okay M is a lil cute ACJian, who would have missed her train for a whisker, had she gone to her room to drop the baggage..so next morning (Tuesday last), in Mangalore junction, chivalry required i took that to my place, while she could hang around easily for depri stories..

Today, i bring it to office, where sbd said would collect it from me.
Goodness, it was a mountain of a baggage..some 40kgs...and i, unlike her- who had the trolley and later coolies at the station- had to carry it over some 15 minute walk..Sundays, no auto till you reach the crossing..

okay, 40 kgs shouldnt be big deal for a guy of 20 sth...but boy, it was a bag..and not a human being which is easy to lift..as the weight is spread over greater surface area..

XXX

And you see, im not even gym trained..and guess what, ill have to carry it again to station now...in the dead of the night..after this hard day's work..the supposed sbd dint turn up at office..

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(January, 12:21 pm)

Dying for one more take of ACJ Season 2, tonight!
Seems like it's raining good times...id be home Tuesday evening... :)

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(January 8, 1:02pm)

When will i learn to remember names and places?
Look what happened today..

This girl buzzzes me up from sleep, and introducing herself as a Print student, explains how she's really in dearth of deprivation ideas, and how Nishat sir had asked her to approach me..

XXX

I excuse myself for 20 minutes,
promising that id ring back..

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And then,

"Hullo, Sungandha!!" "Yeah.. tell me how may i help you??"
"err" "ahh..umm" "Anando, im Sumegha.....not Sugandha"

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Gosh!

XXX

(January 7, 4:32 pm)

He still likes me.
The old prof in ACJ...

I thought it was all over last January itself, when some ppl were able to finally convince him, I was not all that, what they described, a "holy cow."...He falsely believed i had attitude..and he also felt i had a lot of things to mend..

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I guess if i have anything that i must mend, it's my vulnerability..i cant present my case well, whenever in controversy..and that i believe stems from the fact mumma's never been a woman of the household..she's been a scholar, she's been a philanthropist... she's been just too sacrifising in her conduct..

I see boys and girls of my age are much cleverer than me...in dealing with things, in handling situations..because they have seen their fathers and mothers doing that..they have seen their parents toiling and creating space for themselves..from among the crowd..the harsh crowd...and sometimes perhaps even by devious means...occupying what should have belonged more rightfully to others..

Maa dint have to do that..she was placed comfortably in society...and even if she weren't, she wouldnt do that..like she really dint ask dad for any alimony or for our maintenance when she left him..she could have done that easily...for she knew who's who of the town...but she would not wash linen in public..even if that meant letting go off the wealth of money, put in joint accounts..

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Nyways, i was telling i cant defend myself well...and another reason for that could be my attachment for people i like..and for also those who like me...many times thats just delusary..i realise they never liked me..they just liked the fact that i was good at my work..

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I thought this Print prof was one of them...i thought he only felt i was a good student..

but i was wrong..he sent me a lovely new year greetings..and what is to be noticed is, though i had written to him on his Wall he didnt return the gesture over FB...he took time out and wrote separately to my google mail..

Its reassuring,
very reassuring!

XXX

(January 6, 3:54 pm)

It was a meeting of sorts at Mangalore Junction,
where Nishat sir turned up with 32 zestful ACJians..

He's just so electrifying..his playful ways are like breather to your sad mind..my goodness..one tight handshaking, and it felt time wouldnt be kinder again...it was so good...it was just awesome..it was like all those happy, delightful moments had come back to life again..

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Mausumi and i were the guides for change...we took them to KSRTC, from where they were off for Belthangadi..but not before we had had a marathon of talk and some pleasant repartee..

Librarian miss was there too...why does she have to wear those ill-fitting salwar kameezes in ACJ? she looks so self-assured in jeans...

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There was the electrician too..the one who recorded the key issues classes...remember...sitting behind nalini miss...with those curly hairs..the one who followed not a word in either Hindi or Englissh..okay, sorry sorry..im over describing...what do i do? i dont remember names and places...though i remember events remarkably well..anyways, he hobnobbed in his usual sign languages...and this other sir from the non-teaching staff...he recalled how we had been with Geeta mam last time..and how i had missed the train for Wayanad and then turned up two days late..

Oh it was pure magic..it was like some generous tides, returning old pebbles devoured by the sea..Nishat sir is so wonderful..

If i ever had had space for a father- from mumma and grandmumma's indulgent love- id wish a one like him!

XXX

But wait, "picture abhi baaki hai..."
we'll be meeting again on 9th, when they return..

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(January 5, 7:47pm)

Even when the Gods are wanting to tell you something, it's difficult to decipher what exactly..however distinct the forebodings you may have, you interpret them your own way..thats so common to human nature!

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(January 5, 6:27)

My December salary is credited today..so i hurriedly logged to makemytrip to book a return..but, there was some server error..it says the particular airlines company cannot be reached...and there's only one plying between Patna and Mangalore..

What does this mean?
I checked everyday, it was available..but today when im about to book it, there is this snag..Is this some sort of indication from the Gods? What but?

XXX

(January 5, 3:13 pm)

I have still not come to terms with 2011..for somewhere, in some sense, 2010 has a kind of silence about it, that affords me lot of comfort..

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I had preempted, January 1 could be gloomy reminder of everything that is bygone..of times, of days, that once blossomed under somebody's sunshine of love...

and so I had cleverly had plans to fill up those spaces..with prayer..with hope...and with honest attempts to recollect dreams that are cast away...

i got up relatively early, and after i had washed and changed, i offered the daily prayers....this time, more elaborately...more eagerly...wanting to make it more honest...and threading it with a sense of togetherness that connects the mortal to the divine..

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I watched Gulliver's Travel at Big Cinemas..and then shopped at City Centre..for two of my friends who had comforted me so well in september..and also worked like hell to make the funeral grand!

I have to take something for another of my friend too..but i didnt have as much money...and i hate economising presents..

XXX

I had some good food at CCD then,
and was office by around 5..

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The cell buzzed like never before..it had started at 31st itself, as the clock announced 12..so many people called me and sent sms-es...lovely ones...full of hope..full of life..and of all those magically good things that you get to read about in Grimm Brothers..lots of messages were there on FB and orkut too..even from ppl i hadnt expected would wish..

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A couple of ppl i expected didnt wish..may be they have forgotten my b'de..or may be they have forgotten me itself..i think too much...because i attach myself with others too much..actually i do rarely, but when i do i really start imagining my life around them..

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But as a rule, people love me,
and then they leave me!

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Did Anon 99 wish me?

May be he/she did..over the phone, or over sms..may be orkut..fb..someway but with his real name, so that i would not know..Anyway, i extend him/her greetings for a flattering 2011..

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Im realising my adroitness at finances is just as bad as mumma's..
Of the 22,800 i had drawn on 23rd December, only 1800 remains! And i havent even booked my return flight..

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If i had more time, id write about The gr8 ACJ Season 2!
the exuberant hobnobbing with Nishat sir, and his depri team..

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Tomorrow i shall...seeya..and happy new year to all my anon readers!
:) :)

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