(Jamuary 21, 2:26pm)

I can't find either meaning or optimism in whatever is happening..it doesn't get brighter, and it doesn't go away either..

I guess i cant bank on "them" any more..it's too late to derive even any delusory positivity..in fact, i thought it was all over..but then, i get this call from some other party..who can also help...and may be more meaningfully..

XXX

They said they'll get back to me today..but they haven't so far...why am i not like others? people wait much longer, and without once panicking or getting desperate..but look at me..it's less than 24 hours, and im already fretting..

When grandmumma was alive, i werent like this...i was carefree, i was happy go-lucky..all i knew in this world was, if i ever had had troubles, mumma would handle it away...i could just relax.. and pamper myself in the comfort..

But then granmumma left us, and mumma had her way..she became reckless with money..and i realised i was never relaxed or totally happy again..

XXX

But as long as mumma were physically present, i was much happier..but i didnt know then..we do not generally recognise the beauty in our present worlds..we are glued to the future..which is more beautiful, more convinient..and we love it more, because it accommodates our whims too..unlike the present, which would want us change..but i guess thats just how we miss out on other things..may be trifle in value, but much truer in meaning!

XXX

What do i do if they dont call me?
how long should i wait before buzzing them up??

Any body else would wait at least a week, and my mind tells me exactly that..but i know, id have buzzed much earlier..may be today itself..

XXX