(Dec 31, 11:40pm)

31st December this time was quite a contrast.. as I said, I was strolling around in CP.. having food.. watching people revel in merriment..

Eearlier, these were silent closed door nights in Patna... in the 1990s...

People celebrated in home... streets were empty.. and it would be very cold, anyway..

XXX

Ours would be beautiful experience.. since 1st is my birthday, mom would be cooking till very late in the night.. preparing snacks and other things for the party the day after..

We would be watching TV.. and mom would ask us to taste the food... sweets...

There was something called Gits.. it was a kind of flour.. you had to make a dough and prepare balls.. you fried them and then dipped them in sugar syrup.. Your Gulab jamun was ready..

XXX

She'd ask us to taste the kabli chana too.. gulab jamun and kabli chana, Mum always prepared on my birthdays..

Then bread rolls... Chicken would be marinated and kept in the refrigerator... funny, but sometimes I would be tempted to taste the uncooked chicken too..

But, I never dared... Muma would not encourage such things..

XXX

Earlier in the day, we would go out finishing the marketing.. and personally inviting the family friends..

We had only one cake shop then.. it was called Cake Palace.. we'd go there too.. and while the cake was getting prepared, Muma would get us pastries..

We hated waiting.. but the pastries would interest us..

XXX

(Dec 31, 11:37pm)

Was strolling around CP after office.. had snacks at KFC and then sipped some good Irish coffee at CCD..

Which was nice.. If my friends were in town, I would have gone out somewhere.. there were a couple of invitations.. but those must be big get-togethers..

I didn't want to socialise.. two-three friends were ok.. but sadly, this time I was alone.. but I enjoyed.. well, if you are happy, you are happy.. that's it.. and I was pretty happy..

XXX

(Dec 31, 00:34am)

There are some friends whom I lost touch since the first year of Mumma's passing away... there presence was overwhelming in those gloomy times..

But somehow we have not been in touch.. they are not on my Facebook friends' group either..

When I saw them today, sneaking into their profiles, I could see they have changed... they are certainly looking older than the picture I had in mind..

In five years you do grow up... may be I too have grown and changed, but I do not realise since I am seeing myself everyday..

XXX

Does age bother me..

I can't answer in yes or no.. sometimes it does... but then it's not the age in fact.. sometimes I feel I am not completing many things on time.. and everything has a time..

Like, say writing my debut novel.. or getting a certain pay package or rising to a certain level in the hierarchy in office..

Some of you might say I'm doing pretty good on those lines.. but then I have my fixed targets in mind, and I assess myself against my own set targets...

Family, marriage too has an age... of-course it's adjustable considerably.. but I believe that happens only when you have achieved your basic successes early on..

Then, lots of adjustments could be done.. So, yes age bothers me.. but in a very different way..

XXX

(Dec 30, 5:03pm)

Had a good time last evening, sipping an Ethiopian coffee at CP.. I do not feel like retiring to home after work, as this is a festive season..

So, last evening at around 8, I went to KFC at Connaught place and then post the meal I was sitting at a coffee bar... having some time to myself.. thinking about the new year..

No, I'm not suggesting that I like being alone all the time.. or making a virtue out of it.. it's just that the 2-3 friends I could hang out with, are not in town.. and the ones who are inviting me, I'm not very keen to meet..

So, that's okay... I can enjoy solitarily too..  actually I do not have fixed rules.. If I have good friends around, I like hanging out.. on other times, I am fine alone..

But yes, I am not very comfortable with large groups, or with acquaintances... I need friends who are close..

Sometimes, I want to be alone necessarily.. the choice varies.. anyway, right now I would have been happier if these friends were around.. but then, that's okay..

XXX

Office threw a year end lunch today.. they had ordered food from the kitchen of Al-Nazir... the mutton was good...

A couple of colleagues were saying we could plan something for 31st evening.. let's see.. nothing is decided yet..

XXX

And of-course, 1st is my birthday..

The second time, when I would not be in Patna.. Last time was 2011 in Mangalore.. That was during my mourning period anyway, as Mumma had just passed away..

I think I had had a lunch and then headed to The Hindu office for an evening shift.. Let's see what do I do this time... as I said, my friends are not around..

May be I would watch a movie.. drop in to office for an hour and then have a sumptuous dinner somewhere..

XXX

(Dec 29, 5:44pm)

I don't even have the option now to say, "Hi, I'm back to blogging."

I have done that earlier, and then not lived to the promise I made.. I don't know what exactly is happening.. Why am I constrained..

I think the first thing is, I am no longer quick.. there are times, and there are events, when I feel, oh yes, this should go to my diary..

But I am not prompt enough to pen it.. and at a later time, that feel is no longer present..

XXX

But, I would feel miserable if I do not write anything during the year end.. but how could I not write anything, while in Patna, attending my best friend's marriage back home?

I'd be so tired.. I attended all the functions.. but I could not bring myself to write..

Second reason is personal.. I am brooding too much about the material things perhaps..

No, I'm not planning to get married.. though, yes, like every person does in his late 20s, I am hearing so many people talk about and discuss my marriage more than perhaps I would ever do..

I am definitely thinking about buying an apartment... But can I afford the loans? Yes, if I do away with my Patna apartment, my mom's house for which I pay a fat rent every month..

But that's like cutting my roots... brushing away every trace of my childhood days..

XXX

Then there's my father... the relationship is much better now, but then there's so much uncertainty.. there is this relative of his, who has eyes on his property...

Is that bothering me too much?

I can't answer in yes or no.. I'm not money obsessed.. but unlike my mother, I'm not totally withdrawn from seeking any kind of material comfort or security..

And I genuinely believe, if you are living in the material world, you should not have that attitude..

Because it ends up bothering your family and children.. Like when mum passed away, I did have very uncertain times...

Though, ultimately, I started getting her family pension - via my father, who she did not divorce in her lifetime - and there was money to take care of the Patna house and the servants..

Either you are an ascetic living in the Himalayas, or you are practical.. but then you see, I'm getting bitter.. perhaps critical of my own mum, whom I have loved beyond everybody else..

XXX

Anyway, coming back to dad, he is so uncertain.. he would not discuss anything about the future.. When I do, he will effortlessly make the conversation meander into all sort of philosophical things, with no solutions in sight..

I get irritated.. and this relative truly loves this... frankly, I don't give a shit if she manages to get away with all my father's property..

But she must not get what is my mum's... mum was so impractical.. she left her jewellery, and a treasure of that, in a joint account with dad.. even though she had left dad when I was just a few months..

She owned a joint land with my dad... she didn't do anything about it in her lifetime.. now, I'm afraid what if this relative usurps even mom's share of the money which rightly should be mine?

XXX

So, these thoughts tire me.. I don't want to write about them, least think about them.. but your state of mind does reflect when you write something..

May be these are the reasons I don't write too often.. but anyway, this is year end.. and I'm planning to write again.. seriously..

We will see.. I cannot be cowed down by circumstances.. I have seen worse, and with the Goddess' blessings, surmounted them..

XXX

Yes, there is one more reason.. Now I really want to write my novel.. that's not happening... and then when I'm writing the blog, I feel as if I'm just into smaller things, missing out on the larger aspiration..

But you know what, these are all negativity... you are not doing one thing, and that is stopping you from not doing another..

The approach should be, do whatever you can at the moment, and try putting up more effort to finish the other ones too..

Action brings action, lethargy leads to more inertia.. so, may be that could be a new year resolution..

Let's keep doing the good action, and as far as the material questions are concerned, may be the positivity generated by my actions will take care of them..

And then the Goddess is always with me!

XXX

(Dec 9, 5:10pm)

Had a long vacation in Patna.. Spent two weeks in home town, attending a childhood friend's marriage.. Bengalis have too many festivities when a couple ties the knot, lasting usually four or five days..

So, it was a pleasure meeting old pals, and many of Mumma's old pals also.. as this friend's family lives in Mom's pre-marriage neighbourhood..

I was surprised quite a few of them, of people I have heard of from mom but never really met, were eager to see me.. One of them later invited me to her place in the weekend..

I am not intimate with too many people.. So, generally I attend receptions, and those are more formal gesture... But this one was different.. We have known them for decades..

XXX

The friend's mom loves me a lot.. There is a special event called Ibrobhaat, a day before the wedding.. It was fun attending it.. The friend's mother herself called me twice, ensuring I do turn up..

In this ritual, the would-be groom is served rice along with five varities of fried vegetables or bhajas, a huge fish head, and a platter of sweets along with kheer and acompaniments..

When the would-be groom is done eating, remnants of his plate are mixed with the food meant for his unmarried siblings.. People say those who eat the ibrobhaat too get married soon..

Lol... It's cute, I think.. The ladies, inborn with matchmaking skills and with the obligatory duty to be worried about and find matches for all 25 plus boys and girls, invite the youngsters they love..

So, this friend's mother, who is genuinely doting to me, made sure I was present.. It was little embarrassing.. But you do not turn down a loving, elderly lady's request. Do you?

XXX

Will write more about my home visit, people I met.. my city, the food, the weather, the feel of being home over a holiday..

Do keep visiting... Thanks!

XXX