(Dec 31, 10:47pm)

Ok, signing off.. Wish you all a very happy new year 2015..

Thanks for following my blog for five years now.. I started it in 2010 as a pastime.. It's my good fortune that so many of you followed it..

Thus encouraging me to write more often... thank you also for accepting these posts with all their beauty and flaws... for loving the humility, and overlooking any notes of arrogance..

Wish you all the very best..

XXX

(Dec 31, 10:44pm)

Done with all the cooking.. a delicious chicken.. a delicious paneer-capsicum cooked in poppy seeds,..

No delicious is not being used here in blind love with the self.. I bet if you tasted, you wouldn't contradict it..

But God this was crazy.. even with all the preparations in hand.. How would mumma manage all this on the night of 31st.. considering she cooked so many other stuff too.. and without any maid doing the preparation..

I guess the love for your child kindles special talent, special dedication, and unremitting energy to most parents..

It is a good day.. and I am happy..

XXX

The diya is still aglow at the pooja space..

It is adding so much more bliss to my present happy moment..

XXX

(Dec 31, 10:06pm)

Between, I bought a table-top calendar from the old Archies shop, nearby my apartment.. It was also a nice meeting up with the shop owner.. an old, thorough gentleman..

He has known me since my high school days and thinks highly of my family...

Table-top calendars and some other miscellaneous purchases at Archies is a part of my year end buyings..

I really like them... It's a beautiful 12 sheet with nature pictures and good quotes..

XXX

(Dec 31, 7:47pm)

These days I can connect easily to the Goddess again.. I don't know how it is all the same again.. but I'm very happy..

The Goddess had been kind to me all through.. but I felt there was very little communication.. May be the news agency job was too hectic for comfort..

XXX

She's started indicating again, she's there for me always..

And anyway, year ends are a time when you feel the Gods are near.. when the glow of the candle tells you, they are always there...

XXX

(Dec 31, 7:44pm)

Hadn't planned anything for my birthday... but some neighbors indicated they were expecting a get-together..

So yes there is one.. tomorrow evening.. I have ordered coffee and a few varieties of snacks..

The cook spent a good amount of time today... she has prepared a lot of delicacies including my favourite gajar ka halva..

But I need to cook too.. I will be cooking chicken... paneer with capsicum and poppy seeds.. but these will be stored for tomorrow's lunch..

For dinner I will prepare noodles..

Don't think I have to toil too much... all the masalas are ready and all vegetables and all other arrangements have been made by the cook herself..

So, it's going to be like how you see in recipe shows..

Cooking for fun.. plus I'd be watching TV..

XXX

(Dec 31, 7:38pm)

It was generally a good year.. My stint with the IANS earned me many things... big bylines.. ministerial-level contacts.. exposure at MEA..

And of-course, an enhanced pay pack and designation, from where I can bargain for more in my new job..

I am hopeful of starting work again in March.. and I am hopeful some other unfinished business in my home town are settled before that..

XXX

(Dec 31, 12:34am)

Last time I had a beautiful birthday in Kashmir..

My Kashmiri brother, his fiancee and one another friend came over for lunch, after which there was a conversation over coffee at CCD..

Kashmir university, the sprawling venue for the day, was carpeted with snow against the barren chinars...

We had clicked a lot of pictures!

My current DP on facebook, a thumbnail of which you can see on the right of this page, was clicked that day..

XXX

(Dec 31, 12:33am)

It's that time of the year, mumma would be on toes preparing for my birthday..

Which doesn't mean I am lost in reminiscences... and depressed... far from it.. For me memories have always been powerful tools to rekindle positive energies from the past..

Besides, death is immaterial to me when it comes to living a bond as strong as that between a parent and child..

God grants that special power to feel, and breathe every moment, the love of your dead parent.. particularly, when your parent died young..

XXX

I plan my own new year and birthday now... both fall on the same day, between...

S*****z aunty, neighbour and one of mom's trusted friend, had been asking me what was in my mind for my birthday...

I told her I would tell her in a day..

I don't know why, but I do not feel like celebrating this time... so, may be I would invite them over coffee.. in the evening.. and team it with some good snacks..

XXX

(Dec 30, 1:42am)

I have been always nostalgic about the year end... there had been so much activity always... first Jan happens to be my birthday..

And mom would be so busy doing the house.. inviting guests.. arranging for the feast..

XXX

When I was a young child.. in the 1990s... it was a different world..

In few ways, I really thought those were more exciting year end seasons.. first there weren't so many channels...

So whether it was the weekly Chitrahar, or the Sunday programmes or even a news round-up on DD, the excitement to watch them was so much more.. you just couldn't afford to miss them.. they were your only window to a nostalgic recapitulation of the year passing by..

Then, there weren't too many newspapers or magazines.. at least not in non-metroploitan cities.. you waited for the last Sunday copy of your family newspaper..

They would carry a very razzmatazzed pull-out rounding up the year.. If you were lucky, you could also get a big photo-up of your favourite filmstar,... especially, if that star's films had done well..

Those weren't the days of the internet,... and the stars weren't always on TV to do ads or other publicity appearances either..

Those glossy newspaper pictures meant a lot...

XXX 

(Dec 25, 7:47pm)

Some resolutions kill you..

I am usually very careless about money, and have finally decided I would watch myself..

And no, I am not making this a new year oath, but acting upon this silently as the year draws to a close.. I think that makes more sense.. Treading into the days of a new calender with modified habits..

XXX

Okay, so the first way I decided to check money is by refusing to buy essential winter garments which I normally do every year..

Not that you would need a new wollen pants and thermocot and caps and socks every winter.. but what happens is, I don't get them cleaned on time, and as the mercury dips, I unnecessarily buy a fresh one..

A couple of thousand rupees have never mattered to me in that big way.. but no longer..

Not because I am in a tight spot monetarily but because wastefulness must be avoided..

XXX

Even this year I avoided getting them readied till the last minute and now Patna is unbearably cold.. But I have washed all of them today and even if they take days to dry, I am prepared to battle the cold..

Come what may...

XXX

But it's really, really unbearable.. but then resolutions are no cakewalk either!

XXX

Wanted to go to the church this evening.. Convent is at a stone's throw, and they deck up their premises in a grand fashion..

But could not gather the courage.. it's a bad cold wave haunting outside..

XXX

(Dec 16, 10:33pm)

What has happened to this day? A gruesome gang rape in 2012 and now the Peshawar killings..

December 16 has been a beautiful day for me.. full of good memory.. reminding me of timely and happy reconciliation..

I have been celebrating this day quietly for a few years.. in different ways.. like in 2009, while I was at ACJ in Chennai, I went and had a sumptuous dinner at a Bengali restaurant called Annapurna..

In 2010, I was in Mangalore, and as if God willing it, it was my day off at The Hindu.. I had again had a good dinner outside..

In 2012, I was holidaying in Patna and went to Kapil's 11 late in the evening, in a rather foggy weather..

My handicam, my first one, was bought on this day in 2011.. while in 2007 I had appeared for the Snap test at St Michael's, to secure admission to Symbiosis, and thereafter went to the Patna book fair..

In 2008, while I was still in Patna and preparing for journalism entrance tests, I had gone for a Chinese dinner..

Though in 2013, I didn't do anything specific.. as I had just landed in Kashmir the day before, for a two month stay in the valley, and was at a friend's place..

XXX

(Dec 15, 11:35am)

It's been four days I am in Patna, and now about to start my work... I will be writing columns for a Kashmiri outlet, and doing some editing work for now...

Not very lucrative, but it will keep churning me enough money to pay my bills... and run the household..

I am taking my time in finding a new job opportunity... as I have some very urgent work to be done here...

I am not sure how much time this 'other work' would take to materialise.. but if it does, God willing, there will be lot more stability and peace..

XXX

If it materialises by Jan end, I can then hope to find and take up a job ooportunity from February...

I am in talks with one newpaper, besides another news agency.. but then I hope, they don't offer me anything before February..

If an offer comes up now, I will be in dilemma... how would I do the other 'important work' here in Patna, which too need some attention.. and is very detrimental..

XXX

R***n, my childhood friend and in many ways my best one, went away yesterday... he's getting married.. he had come from Bangalore to meet the prospective bride's parents who are settled in Patna..

He lands in Delhi today to meet the girl, and if all goes well, he's be tying the knot November next year..

It's a habit for both of us to seek counsel from one another in every single matter.. and he had brought a lot of pictures of the girl and wanted me to decide if she'd be okay..

We did a facebook analysis of the girl too..

Frankly, I was not overwhelmed with the girl but then she seems to be a suitable match for R.. The girl's parents live in Patna which is a plus point.. otherwise they'd have to hop to different cities for holidaying every alternate year..

She was a nice girl, not very beautiful, but good enough.. I told R that since he himself is good looking and fair, he could have got a more beautiful girl if he was ready to wait..

He told me his parents aren't and his grandfather, 96 now, is not very well and wants to see his wedding..

We both thought it was more important that the girl was a good human being and that her family was good too..

M*****a fits in well on those quarters.. and then she is presentable too... as I said good, if not excessively beautiful..

XXX

He was wanting to know when would I tie the knot.. I told him a bit later.. It's not a practice for journalists to marry before 33-34..

And I 'd really love to carve a good position for myself in the profession before getting hooked.. and then I have to write my novel, which would take time.. I don't do anything frivolously..

It has to be attempted with a good amount of neatness, planning, and with a lot of heart.. the novel would take time..

And then, before I decide to marry, I would of course need to have a house of my own... Even my Patna apartment is a rented one..

From this, I remember while I was in Kolkata last week, my uncle and aunt gave me a good and long session on how I am being very careless with my money and I am not planning anything..

They told me that I should book a flat immediately.. either in Patna or in Delhi..

Where do I get the booking amount, a nearly 20 percent of the purchase price, I asked them..

They told me I should ask dad for this, and if I am too shy, they were willing to talk on my behalf..

And uncle and aunt both said that onec the booking is done, i should take a loan for the remaining amount.. dispose off the Patna house, and instead of paying rent for the Patna house, use that money to pay EMIs for the loan..

XXX

I nodded but without much conviction.. seriously, i am really not sure what would be the best for me.. it's a battle between prudence and emotion..

This Patna apartment, located in the heart of the city besides the holy Ganges, and which has hosted my childhood and seen my mother bring me up for 11 years, and where I have lived intermittently for another four years after mumma's demise, is integral to me in every way..

What do I do?

I wish I had enough money to buy two houses, one in Delhi and also this one in Patna..

Uncle gets really upset and agitated when I communicate these thoughts..

XXX

(Dec 10, 8:46am)

After a long stay at Kolkata, where uncle and aunt hosted me and looked after me so very beautifully, I arrived in Patna today...

I left the news agency job sometime ago, and I am in talks for a new opportunity for myself.. I don't know how long this would take, but I am in no hurry..

A sit at home editing opportunity and writing columns for a Kashmiri weekly would ensure I would have the money coming...

I left the news agency job because after a point it did not excite me...

Yes, the Congress at the national levels and the ministry of external affairs were huge beats.. but not huge enough to trap into a job that offered little scope with features or experimentation with writing..

I refused another two offers at hand... first, because I thought I could find a more exciting opportunity if I waited a bit, and that is something I can afford with the kind of money I would be earning anyway from the Kashmiri weekly..

And second, it could be my first proper winter at home, here in Patna, after a long time... particularly after mom's demise in 2010..

XXX

In 2011-12, I was working in Delhi, in the 2012-13 things were rather depressing on all fronts, and last year, I was in Kashmir,,,,

May be this time, I could engage the winters writing my novel.. or at least writing down what I have conceptualised in my mind for so long...

And in any case, I would be reading a lot... Mirza Waheed's 'The Book of Gold Leaves' tops the list..

XXX

I am missing my uncle and aunt.. and my cousin.. we had had such lovely time... I am alone now, in my home in Patna..

But a home is home.. I feel so good when I am home.. I hope I have a good time..

But before I begin reading or writing, there is so much marketing to do, and then arranging the house too, which is difficult..

XXX

But one good thing is, R***n is here.. My childhood friend, and my best one for the last few years.. I guess we'd be meeting tomorrow.. I have to see his mom dad too...

We have been like family friends..

Then there are the bank works..

XXX

(Nov 23, 1:46am)

It's getting colder in Delhi...  and I'm not blogging at all... despite my promises to you.. even I'm wondering why I don't.......

A lot of people follow this blog, and sometimes also those who I wouldn't want to... But I had never been inhibited before.. why, now?

But then, I'm working... In Delhi, amid an ever expanding network of people and acquaintances and and other sources for my stories..

I meet so many people from all walks of life.. and then, sometimes, it reaches my ears, that X, Y or Z googled my name, came across this blog and read certain stuff...

Some people are more curious.. they actually scroll down and see posts as old as those written in 2010.. or 2011..

That bothers me.. I would want my official contacts to know me only officially... I open before very few people.. Not that I'm scared of my secrets getting let out to them.. I have none,,.

But then I'm instinctively a private person.. I don't like emoting to too many people...

XXX

Then there's more... Earlier there were times when I was depressed... and the old readers would know that a depressed mind impelled me to write more often...

These days I am in anxiety... and that's different from depression... It doesn't trigger my thoughts out over this blog..

It convolutes them...

You must be wondering why the anxiety..

XXX

It's getting late.. there are so many things to be done.. yes, I'm settled as a journalist in Delhi.. I'm doing good work, and the profile will only improve gradually, God willing..

But there are things on the personal front... I have a house in Patna,... It was getting difficult to afford it.. it's a rented one.. and a good one, in a posh locality, demanding a good money...

Now of-course things are better.. last year, some influential friends of my mom eked out a deal with dad.. that he would receive my mom's family pension, and give half of that to me..

I'm getting that money every month, with which I am maintaining the house there.. and the servants..

XXX

But what next?

What once he is dead... that pension would lapse.. I sound odd.. but that's what would give you a hint at what's going on in my mind...

He is old, 72... he can't live a hundred years.. and I can't part with that house.. it's my mom's memorabilia..

And I'm not earning so much that I can buy two houses.. the one in Patna and another in Delhi... in fact, given the state of real estates, nobody can possibly...

Then?

What after the status quo is over... I'm leaving in a posh house in Delhi which eats 45 per cent of my salary.. and I'm affording another in Patna with what I'm getting from my dad from the family pension..

What next?

Even if I start living in a PG in Delhi, and save a lot of money, I may be able to buy a small house here in the national capital..

But what about the house in Patna?

How would I maintain that once dad is gone?

My mom had so much money.. so much means.. and she squandered it all.. donated it all.. half the money gone in her extravagance.. and the rest in mindless philanthropy..

And see, where I'm landed..

XXX

My friends advise, not to think too much about the future... But somehow I keep getting distracted.. and that also means I cannot concentrate on my writing..

Leave the book, I am not able to write even posts for this blog...

What would happen to my novel?

I need a certain stability to write that... Yes, even now I have plans.. I always have plans.. so long as you have hope, and so long you have a composure, you can plan.. you can work..

And the Goddess.. She is still there.. I can't connect to her so often now.. but I have told her, that whether or not I am able to connect, I love her just as much.. and I believe in her..

She would help..

XXX

It's not too much time since I turn 30,.,, I need to start my book before that.. I have plots.. I have the characters.. who almost appear as human faces to me...  as I have for so long thought about them and felt their pain..

See, first of all I need a newspaper job.. a news agency does not allow me any time at all.. so getting a newspaper job should be the priority..

Second there was a land which my mom and dad had jointly purchased.. ethically, my dad should give half of it to me, as he has no right to keep what belongs to my mom.. even the law doesn't allow him..

Even half that land would mean, I can sell it and purchase the Patna house with the money that I get... That would solve all my worries..

But here too there is a complexity... my father had deceived my mother into giving him money to buy the land, saying it would be in joint ownership..

And after they split, it turned out he had bought it all in his name, despite taking half the money from mom!!!!

XXX

So long as mom was alive, he did not contradict that mom had contributed.. but after she passed away he is blatantly lying, and there's little I can do unless he has a change of heart by himself and does what ethic demands..

If I once again involve my mom's influential friends, things would sort out, but I have no time for that.. more importantly, I have no energy for that..

I don't want to get into such complexities.. I'm a very sensitive person.. with a writer's instincts.. that longs for seclusion.. that longs for tranquility..

XXX

And I can't beg... and why should I?

Why should I beg for what is my mom's and what is, under the law, now rightfully mine??

Sometimes I wonder, what made my mom marry him... he's avarice for money is extra-ordinary... he has so much money already.. he's earning handsomely even now.. he has no obligations, and yet an insatiable desire to have more money...

Would you believe if I tell you, he walks from home to college and from college to home, because he cant even part with a couple of ten rupees to the rickshaw pullers? That he doesn't install a geyser, or a hot air blower during harsh winters, as that would consume more electricity? And that he refuses to go to the doctor even when he is very ill, as the doctor would demand a fee? And that he stopped buying newspapers after HT increased its price by one rupee!!!!!

XXX

Anyway.. how does it matter to me... I don't need or want his money... There are many avaricious people like him... and I should steer clear of them..

But he should at least return what is mom's.. Mom in her lifetime never made an effort to get it back.. she never took any money from him for our upbringing either... she had no fascination for money..

I don't have fascination for money either.. although I would always want to live comfortably and happily, for which adequate money is needed..

Yes, like any honourable person, I can build that comfort for me here in Delhi with my own hard earned money,..

But thanks to mom, it's not one but two houses in two cities that I have to take care of.. and there's where the problem rests..

And no, pls don't advise me to wind up the Patna house... I cannot possibly kill my emotions for the more practical requirements, altogether..

XXX

Getting back to the point, before I start writing my novel... I have basically two things to attain.. I have to get a newspaper job, which would give me the leisure that writing demands..

And I have to convince my father, to return my mom's land to me, so that I can sell it off, and buy the Patna house..

That would give me a lot of peace.. and I could concentrate on my writing..

XXX

These days my relationship with my dad is much better.. he calls once in a week to find out about me.. and he is willing to help me in a lot of things...

He co sponsored my Cardiff trip last year, and when I shifted to Delhi, he asked his scholars to escort me during my travelling...

It almost seems he loves me.. But then, he's like Shylock.. he himself doesn't know, what is more important... his child or his money..

When Jessica ran away with Lorenzo, Shylock ran through the streets, crying out "My daughter, My ducats.. my ducats, My daughter...."

Shylock himself was not sure what was causing him the pain.. that his daughter eloped with a non-Jew boyfriend Lorenzo, or that she eloped with half his money..

I think that explains to you everything...

XXX

(Nov 12, 12:14am)

It's just a break, not going away.. I'll be blogging.. soon.. may be from tomorrow itself..

XXX

(Oct 19, 12:11am)

I'm back to Delhi... reached here at 8am yesterday.. The first day was terrible.. as I contrasted the lazy afternoons spent at home against the obligation to rush to office and spend a harrowing long time..

While in Patna, I used to take afternoon naps... after I had had my lunch and flipped through the newspapers...

I had to struggle to keep awake in office during the evening yesterday..

And it made me morose, as I thought I would be all over again be at work till as late as 8:45 pm and then return to a not so well furnished house and cook my own food..

In Patna, in my home, it was so much more enlivening.. and comfortable..

But, this is life.. Either you get too morose or you think of ways to brighten up your situation.. I would do the latter...

XXX

(Oct 14, 9:19pm)

Will be going back to Delhi on 16th.. which is a Thursday..

This was a long stay at home... 

I was ill, so there was not too much movement... but then, that meant it was more natural.. as if I was never out, living in a different city.. as if this wasn't a holidaying..

XXX

After a long time, I was home on the 14th day of any month.. ever since Mumma's death, if I'm home on a 14th day of a month, I use it for prayers.. and I make sure I put a tuberose garland on her display pic..

It was a good feeling doing that.. It rained, too.. In fact, I was drenched in rain while I was returning from the flower market...

XXX

Some decisions need to be made... Some plans must come to fruition now... I will be making effort for that in the next two months.. and I am sure the Goddess would let the plans fructify..

2014 has been momentous.. I'm sure the Goddess will let that draw to a grander close... At the career front, things again have been very bright.. Yes, it's time for a change in job..

And I'm sure, the change would bring more content,more joy and good money..

The Goddess would ensure that..

XXX

(Oct 5, 10:23am)

Why do I feel stagnation?

The year has been more remarkable than I could have wished for..

A splendid two months in Kashmir, followed by a whirlwind election coverage for a noted news agency..

And then the external affairs ministry.. Yeah, true... I didn't plan to stay on here for a really long time... and it's important for me to get back to print media..

But here's where a choice needs to be made.. what do I want in life? Yes, I know.. I would want to report in Kashmir, get experience, get exposure.. and then move on to the Middle East to become a full time conflict reporter..

It would demand a good amount of hard work, perseverance and at times distinct will power to overcome insecurities..

On the other hand, Delhi will be so much more comfortable.. I am among the elite group of journalists already, covering the foreign ministry and attending big events..

I can switch to a print media with a similar job portfolio.. But what five years down the line? I know I will make a mark, but will I be happy too?

Is success necessarily also content?

Will I not regret that I am not a conflict reporter, threading stories from the lives of people in faraway land, with whom human compassion and nothing else connects me?

Will I get any inspiration for my novel in Delhi, which is as loud as it is crowded? And where priorities almost completely undermine hospitality in order to survive?

I need to decide fast... In fact I asked the Goddess yesterday to decide on my behalf and to also arrange everything... while I did the Vijaya Dashami Aarti..

I told her that She always arranges everything for me... and She should do that for me yet again... and I'm sure whatever She would, would be the best..

XXX

(Oct 1, 10:54am)

No, no... I didn't stop blogging.. I was just without internet ever since I returned home last Monday.. and a bad flu taking a toll on me..

There's so much to share... When I opened the house, God, can't tell you what a mess it was...

A coat of dust had enveloped everything... and how foolish of me I hadn't even covered the furniture with plastic sheet or anything..

So there's this outline of furniture and there is this coat of dust enveloping everything.. Imagine...

XXX

I was frenzied.. I called up my Calcutta aunt.. she suggested when my maids come, I immediately put them into cleaning, and do not engage them into cooking or any other kitchen work..

Food should be home delivered, she suggested.. so that they can devote all their time to cleaning.. I wasn't consoled..

I called up my Masi, who lives half the year in Bangalore, but who has returned Patna for the Durga Pooja and who would be here next four months,.

She asked me to come over..

XXX

I washed and changed at her place... had breakfast too.. and the she planned out that since the maids would be coming only at 9:30, I should first go do whatever marketing I can for mom's yearly shradh rites, which was the next day...

It was 8am then.. So, her driver took me to the new market which is near Patna junction.. we didn't take the car to avoid traffic jams..

He dropped me in byke with all the stuff to my apartment... then the maids did a non-stop 10 hour cleaning..

Meanwhile, the caretaker got me grocery and other stuff, the cable operator came over to connect the set tops which weren't functioning... and once the maids went away at 7:30 pm, I did the rest of teh marketing..

At 9:30pm, when I returned, I cleaned the washrooms, had a bath, and then cleaned the pooja room..

Oh, imagine.. and then I didn't have any sleep.. I had to get up at 4am the enxt day to listen to Mahalaya... which a hymnic ritual, Bengalis listen over the radio religiously one day before the start of Navaratri..

XXX

The whole day was then spent in the Baatsarik or the annual shradh rituals.. and to make things more difficult for me, who had fasted all day, I got drenched in rain when I went to immerse the pooja remnants at the Ganges,,

Next one week, I am on bed... and mostly without internet connection.. as tata photon, which I use, have closed down their services in Bihar..

Between, it's Saptami today...

XXX

(Sep 21, 10:23am)

Hey, I'm catching the train to home this evening... I'll be at my river-side apartment early in the morning tomorrow..

I'm so excited... It's been six months, and I calculated even my Cardiff trip was shorter by a week..

So, this is the longest ever I have been away from home.. It adds to the impatience to be in your own city.. in your own neighbourhood..

One sore point is I'm not having my other friends coming up for Dushehra this time... some juniors are there, who have been texting me excitedly..

Anyway...

XXX

The holy Ganges must be filled with water this time around... It's been raining cats and dogs for the last one week...

How wonderful it would be when I once again sip tea reclining in the armchair in Mumma's balcony... looking at the river that flows by our apartment..

The pure, sprawling river... which is always more mood enhancing during the rains..

I'm so excited..

And, I'd be having good food too.. varieties of fish... and other items...

But I just hope it doesn't rain tomorrow... Tuesday is mom's yearly shradha... and I've to arrange everything tomorrow..

I have asked the maid and the care-taker to come at 9am sharp... It will be a long, tiring day..

XXX

(Sep 14, 11:12pm)

Four years....

XXX

(Sep 13, 6:08pm)

This piece was written in the evening, while in office, and saved in a e-notebook; copy-pasting now

XXX

The clock strikes eight past six.. It's cloudy outside but darkness is yet to settle in.. Towards east, in my home in Patna, it must be darker..

The sun sets earlier in that part of the country... 

Four years back, Shahnaz Aunty was sitting in this orange armchair in our living room.. Mumma sat in the carpet beneath it, with the tea pot and other things in the tray..

Frail, but the smile in her face suggested she would recover fast.. I thought, the day long of dripping, as the doctor had advised, was yielding result...

XXX

It was, I would know later, the last smile God bestowed to her in kindness.. perhaps to add more colors to an already lurid sky.. against a fast disappearing sun..

She served tea to Shahnaz Aunty, asking me then to offer the special chhena sweet we had ordered from Shubhraj.. I did..

They had a talk.. Slowly.. without much words, as she had not been advised to talk much..

Mumma told her I was dearest to her.. which she did after a long time.. perhaps first time ever since our relationship deteriorated following grandmom's death..

We had quarreled over her wastefulness and unsustainable charity in most of the last nine years..

XXX

Shahnaz Aunty took leave of her after the Azan was called out at six and thirty.. She said she would come back to see her the next day, after she returned from college..

She did.. In fact she cancelled her classes, and rushed to the apartment.. She stood by us in our gravest hour of grief.. 

XXX 

(Sep 6, 11:53am)

It's mom's birthday... and it's going to be a good day, as I managed to get an off..

I'm preparing the lunch now... after which I will go out to Nalli and do some Durga Pooja shopping for my aunts, who I'd be meeting in Patna later this month..

I purposely chose this day for the shopping.. It will give me some good engagement.. and later I'd go to some food joint and eat out..

XXX

I might buy something for myself too.. Let's see...

XXX

(Sep 5, 12:52pm)

It's mom's birthday tomorrow... This time, I haven't planned anything at all.. and that's second time in a row, as last year I was in Cardiff, and hence without any celebration...

But last year was better... The grand university premise and the parks which dotted it, was a respite...

It gave me space to think... to look around to the trees and cottages nestled far, far away, without any construction hindering the view.. to throw my imagination to eternity..

I think I had taken time out of college and sat in the nearby Bute Park... alone... making some silent prayers...

XXX

But what would I do tomorrow... It's Noida... and it's a monotonous work at office.. I hope it's my off tomorrow..

Probably then, it would be a better day...

I would offer some prayers in the morning... in home only... and then go to South Delhi.. I have thought of a plan... I always have plans..

Sometimes to rescue myself in a trying situation.. sometimes to let bygones be bygones and collate strength to move to the future with renewed zeal.. sometimes to just bring some new engagement in monotony..

XXX

When I visit Patna later this year, I'd be meeting my long estranged aunts... my mother's younger sister, and my mother's brother's wife...

We kind of patched up last year... which is a story... but anyway... I will be visiting them right when Dusehra would be at hands..

So I have thought of buying two saris for them..

And yes, I would be buying them at Nalli, South Extension, tomorrow.. That would be a beautiful way to engage the day.. It would give me a feeling as if I am buying them for mumma..

Then I may have lunch in some good place.. that would be a good way of spending the day.. After all, September 6 has such fond memories for me.. It can't be spent banally..

XXX

When I was young, I would save money from piggy bank... thirty rupees.. forty rupees.. sometimes fifty...

I would go to this stationary shop called Wave... not far from my home... they had beautiful birthday presents... I would buy some present for mom, besides preparing hand made birthday card..

That would be one rare occasion when mumma would let me go out alone.. In Bengali families, you don't let go your children un-escorted until they are well into the teens,..

After I returned, I would hide the present with great caution... I would think of the places to hide well in advance..

In 1996, I had gone to buy a gift... At the same shop... on the evening of Sep 5... I had bought a beautiful white duck, which had very delicate, lovely white roses and leaves stuck in its cavity..

For quite some years, it was a drawing room attraction over the show case... I don't remember when we lost it.. may be some part of it is still lying somewhere in the lobby room along with other piles of things..

It had started drizzling.. mumma was very upset, and waiting for us anxiously..

XXX

The next day my cousin and a family friend had come over when I returned from school.. Mumma went with cousin to a joint called Khana Khazana.. To collect the chinese food we had ordered for the guests..

One of the lovely things which I did was I completed all the home work in the two lunch breaks we had in school.. so that when I eventually returned home, I would have no pending work distracting the celebration..

XXX

(Aug 30, 11:32am)

I was talking to a Mangalore journalist yesterday... she was the flat mate of my ACJ colleague working with me in The Hindu there..

She thinks I have done good work in the year.. I replied no matter the work profile, I am depressed...

I told her, if she remembered the stories I did in Kashmir... the ones based on case studies... detailed stories done over days, weeks... That's how I like doing things..

I want to work in conflict regions, exploring human life in difficult circumstances, and giving them a platform to be heard in some way..

She said she very much liked those stories from Kashmir, and wondered what had been stopping me..

I could still go and do that all over again, she suggested.. Taking a decision now is easier; five years down the line many other factors would be at work, she told me..

XXX

The other day, while at lunch with Britain's Deputy Prime Minister who visited India, I got clicked...

The first one in five months, since I joined IANS...

I had apprehensions it wouldn't be a good click.. Since March, I have worked incessantly and had not been eating well... since I do not have a fridge, I cannot store non veg food...

I have been surviving on breads in the morning, a non-inviting, not nutritious office lunch, and a plain dal-rice I cook when I return from work at 9:30pm...

XXX

Of-course, I knew my looks have been deteriorating.. But it was all evident when I finally got clicked... The pic, which I somehow still used as DP on facebook, was just not okay..

The flaws were glaring.. To begin with, I looked lean... not unexpected, but disappointing yet... Then my hair too was not proper..

But here, I shouldn't be upset.. actually the man in Javed Habib is trying a different style, which will show only after 4-5 sessions..

The smile was a big let down.. and I will tell you why... first of all, there was this whole lack of practice.. Earlier I was getting clicked every second day.. I knew exactly what would look good on a snap...

How much of a smile, what kind of a smile, everything... the lack of practice meant the smile didn't look spontaneous.. and then, because my face muscles around the cheek have sunken, the smile didn't shape up well...

Anyways, coming to the body language again, the same lack of practice did the spoilsport.. the poise was no comparison to the snaps I took in Cardiff... hmm...

XXX

Anyway, all that would be corrected... I always have remedies... not because I am a genious... Trust me, God always have remedies hidden in discomforts... We just need to look around, collate our strength, and put up a fight..

Between, I forgot to tell you, the eyes too looked dull...No, I don't have dark circles, but somehow there was not any gleam either..

XXX

So basically, I need a refrigerator..So that I would have proper food.. A slower pace at work too is needed..

XXX

(Aug 24, 11:38pm)

Kashmir now seems like a memory... Clear, delightful... but distant... Till quite some time after I returned from the valley in February, I would feel I was still there..

The people, their voices, the group of friends.. the everyday chores in the biting cold of the winter, it all seemed very recent and near..

Now, there's suddenly a feeling that it is bygone... after all so many months have passed... election months which were full of work... and the summer heat..

When will I be back in Kashmir.. I miss Kashmir so much!

XXX

(Aug 18, 12:13pm)

I think I'd be going Patna in Sep third week.. I have to get the tickets done... But how unlucky that I will be missing Dushehra this time around...

Actually, muma's death anniversary rituals will be taking place on 23rd... I could have taken a 15 day leave and not stayed until Vijaya Dashami was over on 3rd..

My probation is completed on 24th of September.. But I'm told the formalities may take longer.. which means I will be having a maximum of three compensatory offs and two CLs...

I will have to come back to Delhi in the very middle of Navaratri.. Sad!

XXX

(Aug 12, 10:36am)

I covered the BJP National Council Meet the other day.. It was a good, day-long experience...

Very hectic, but then when you are doing what you had seen other scribes do on TV hitherto, it feels ok..

It was the first time I saw all the tall BJP leaders together on a dais.. Individually, I had seen most of them before, barring the prime minister..

I was satisfied with the reports I filed at the end of it, though I thought if I had been working for a newspaper, I would have done better.. Since there would be more time..

XXX

I plan to go home in September... I think I will have to miss Durga Pooja... My probation gets over on Sep 24, but by the time formalities are over and I am alotted my share of leaves, it will be end of Oct..

Before that, I can avail a maximum of six-day leave if I were to club my comp offs, CLs, and weekly holiday together..

But I can't take that during DP.. I will be taking that before it, as I have to do mumma's annual death anniversary rituals on third week of Sep.. Let's see!

XXX

(Aug 7, 11:20pm)

Fifty-one page views in one day!

This mood-enhancing thing happened today.. seems finally my blog is restoring the stats it once commanded..

Many of you would say I am deriving pride in this, and that this is silly...

Frankly, pride to me is very closely linked to esteem and is based acutely on the humility and rightfulness of my own conduct.. besides the ability to exhibit grace in difficult circumstances..

So no, there's no element of pride here..

But yes, we do take some merriment out of small things sometimes.. It is one of those.. and for me who wishes to be an author and commercially successful, these are little indicator.. trifle ones as they are, though..

XXX

I went for K Natwar Singh's book launch today... It was interesting... Singh is sharp... and agile.. To me, any ageing man who retains his nimbleness is a good example...

It fills me with a pleasant realisation that every age has its hue, and we all can make that more wonderful!

I wanted him to ask one question in the q/a session.. It would have been a considerable one..

"Had you not fallen out with Sonia Gandhi, would you ever leak that her renunciation of the PM's post was not driven by her inner voice as she famously claimed? Would you ever tell the world it was overridden by an adamant son who feared his mother's safety?"

It would have been interesting to note what he would say.. Probably, it could have made to page 1..

Sadly, I was in a crowd in the over-filled auditorium and not visible to the moderator perhaps..

XXX

(Aug 4, 11:19pm)

After a long time, my blog stats hit 400 plus in one month... which means, my stats have become good again after I started writing frequently in the last one month..

My blog stats had fell to an all time low of 250 approx ever since I returned from Kashmir and stopped writing... I can't be blamed though... There was this new job...

And there were elections.. besides, I am not exactly comfortable.. I need a better place.. and since I do not have a refrigerator I am not having good, self-cooked non-vegetarian food.. I feel listless often..

XXX

There was a time when my blog would have 800-900 views a month.. It was a huge hit.. so many people followed it...

Now I have a feeling, while I still have regular followers, they are a new bunch.. many old guards have stopped visiting..

Though few of them do visit here, which I can sense..

Does Anon 99 visit? Does Anon 99 think anything of me now, whether good or bad.. Or am I now immaterial?

XXX

(Aug 1, 12:07am)

The weather is fine in the evening now.. Days are humid but you can bear...

I might be interviewing the Libyan ambassador tomorrow... It will be a busy day, but then I have an off on Saturday.. and Sunday, although I would be at office, there wouldn't be too much to do..

XXX

I had a very lovely Eid... I was told by my bureau chief I could take an off.. and that was good, since I realised later that had it not been an off, I wouldn't be able to greet my friends adequately..

I had whole bunch of people to greet this Eid... as I had been in Kashmir for quite some time, and with some families, I had grown closer... and in some cases, with their extended families too..

It was lovely connecting to them... it felt as if I too was in Kashmir.. with them.. making merry.. they are very different people.. far from formal.. and yet, their intimacy doesn't make you feel odd.. far from it.. it makes you feel happy..

I used to stay near the Hazratbal shrine while in Kashmir.. A**i* sent me quite a few pics of the place.. it was buzzing with activity... and beautifully decorated.. Wish I was there too..

XXX

Even in the evening, I had long conversations on the phone... I now have two very dear brothers there.. one my all time best freind and brother N****.. and the other one, a TV actor, who I made friends with last time..

He was N****'s friend.. Then there were so many colleagues to wish.. from the English weekly I worked with there, and other people from the fraternity..

It was a nice time!

XXX

(July 28, 11:56pm)

It's Eid today... the moon was sighted a few hours back, and a grand celebration follows across the country tomorrow..

I have so many people to wish this time.. I always had quite a few Muslim friends.. from school, from neighbourhood.. muma's friends..

But with my frequent visits to Kashmir, the list has gone higher.. I really hope I do not miss out anybody..

Btw, I have been invited for Eid feasting at BJP ex-MP Shahnawaz Hussian's house..Tomorrow 1pm..

XXX

(July 28, 11:52pm)

I have stopped house hunting for some time.. but job offers are not stopping to pour in... I got another call Saturday..

It was the HR of India's largest selling English weekly.. I told them what they are having must be an old CV of mine, and that I am working already with this news agency..

Still they insisted... and my aunt told me, there's no harm in meeting.. if you say a blunt no, they might not consider you in future either..

XXX

So, I went to this English magazine.. a sprawling, glamorous premises... and some very good looking lady receptionist..

Preetier than the one who sits at Bhadaur Shah Zafar Road office of the largest selling English daily..

Anyway, it turned out to be a desk opening.. I declined humbly.. after conveying we would keep in touch..

XXX 

(July 26, 2:07pm)

2014 has so far been good.. though I am aiming at some bigger feats... and hope they come along this third quarter itself..

If it does, I will be utilising much of the last quarter of the year, writing my novel..

The last quarter anyway is my favourite season.. I love autumn.. Spring is good, too.. probably sweeter... but a scorching summer awaits it...

Autumn gives an impression that everything is fading... the trees are bereft of its leaves... but are they bereft of beauty? No!

Fading is not always dull... it all depends how you look at things... When you look at the barren trees and still find them of some beauty, it might just mean beauty doesn't desert you as you age..

You can retain your charm in even the later stages of your life, if you acknowledge your age, and are ready to welcome it and live it... and try to find out ways to add grace to it..

In Cardiff, I would find so many beautiful old couples dotting the parks on weekend.. so well dressed.. so happy.. and so much in love with their age...

Anyway, coming back to autumn, it is also a season of varied colours... especially if you are in Kashmir... Will I be in Kashmir this autumn?

I hope..

And then autumn opens up to an inviting winter... with pleasant memories of your childhood when you would be off school for a long holiday... and perhaps visit your grandmom and let her fall you to sleep recounting stories...

Stories are powerful... This autumn I hope to write one..

XXX

(July 25, 12:19am)

Why do I sometimes think too much?

So what if I am not able to find that best house... eventually I will.. because the Goddess always arranges the best things for me..

And sometimes when she doesn't, it's only to realise later that, that particular thing which did not come my way, weren't worthy or useful anyway..

XXX

It's been long since I got clicked myself for Facebook DP.. Ever since I joined this news agency, there is no going out in the evenings.. I return home 9:30...

And on weekly offs, I am either tired or too occupied with household chores... Earlier, while I was in Cardiff and then Kashmir, i would be photographed so often.. and so well!

There would be so many pics to choose from, to upload on FB.. now, I change the profile pic on irregular intervals..

And that too, I kind of deceived people... I just took some old snaps from my picture bank, and uploaded them with some sort of impression that they are new..

Now, even those are exhausted..

What do I do?

XXX

(July 23, 12:25am)

Lol... I'm hunting for a house, and what come my way are unsolicited job offers!

Yesterday got a call from an unknown number on my Chennai-based cell... For few months I have been using it less frequently compared to my Patna based number, which is now more in use..

So, I got alerted.. it can't be somebody from my recent contacts in Delhi..

XXX

The other party, a lady, introduced herself as the HR of India's second largest English daily... she said they were quite keen on my application, and that things would "work out" over a meeting with the editor..

I remembered I had dropped them a CV in my fag end of Kashmir stay... probably in February.. The offer they had was on the desk..

I politely declined...

Next, in the night, a very senior editor, the in-charge for a well-known tabloid style Delhi only newspaper, replies to my very old e-mail....

Again, the position was on desk... I told him I was already working with a news agency, and quite occupied with work at the moment..

He didn't reply to it, though..

XXX

Anyway, I am still looking for a place which would offer me a grand, open spaces view from the window.. It's difficult to find... Delhi is crowded..

But one day, I'd be living in my own farm house in the foothill of Himalayas.. in Himachal.. writing my novels.. wouldn't that be great?

XXX

(July 15, 12:54pm)

I am annoyed really, now... There are so many things I have in the wishlist, and I am stagnant because I do not yet have a house where I can live comfortably..

I want to change this house as this place is dull... and then they are charging well beyond what this house should merit..

Once I get my house... with a spacious balcony leading to a scenic view, it would be so good!

I would at once begin my novel... which I had in mind for a couple of years now.. and much of which I conceptualised during my 50 day stay in kashmir..

But how do I manage the work commitment? The pace at this news agency is wearingly fast!

XXX

Don't worry.. I would find a way out... If I have a decent house, and good food... and other things are arranged too, I can be really dynamic..

Thats the gift of genes my mother bequeathed me!

XXX

Did you notice once the temperature subsided, I am back to blogging again!

XXX

(July 14, 12:03am)

It finally rained in Delhi today...

I'm really sorry, I haven't been able to update the posts here.. But what do I do?

I have never been in such mess before.. I mean I am really not used to bear the Delhi or Patna heat without an AC..

And God, the mercury touched 48 degrees for quite a few days..

XXX

When it's hot, I cannot pursue my artistic endeavours, blogging included...

But with a generous downpour of shower, I guess I would be able to write this season...

Between, it's really reassuring that despite the long gaps, and perhaps despite the sheen and suspense in the write-ups, people have been viewing the site regularly..

Of course, page views dropped which was natural.. given the gaps... but it's still a respectable figure everyday... and for that I thank you all abundantly..

XXX

I have been looking for a good house.. but without success... it never really took me so long..

But I have to get the right one... see I have settled here for good... Delhi will be very much the place I would be basing..

Not that Delhi fascinates me... it's people, excuse my saying this, are really coarse.. in that, it's over populated.. and people employ their means to survive.. they are not really that amiable as you would find in say, Kashmir..

But it's a metro with all its privileges... and it's the nerve centre for journalism.. I'm doing good in my work... and then, from here, you have good places to visit...

Like Himachal, which is close... I just adore Himachal... It should be my home one day.. Law doesn't permit me to buy a house in Kashmir.. But in Himachal, I surely will one day..

And then, it's just the place where you can write your novel.. I mean where I can write my novel..

XXX

Look I'm not really looking for a very glam house.. It should be a spacious one BHK... with a big balcony.. and there should be trees all around.. the view from the balcony should be scenic..

So that I may feel inspired to write... and it should obviously be a newly constructed, or recently constructed, so that the fittings, lights and flooring and wardrobe are cosy..

I just hope I get something decent soon..

XXX

By the way, today 13th July, was our first day in ACJ in 2009.. How time flies!

XXX

(July 4, 12:44am)

The other time, I was thinking about the poems we read in high school.. the text book ones.. don't they make you nostalgic?

Thankfully, we were in ICSE, and they had a mandatory section on verses in the board.. So we had this beautiful collection of verses...

A book called, Images of Life!

XXX

Even the name of this book, a very touching one which was, makes so many memories rush back to the mind.. and to our hearts...

Sometimes verses can be a pressure.. if your English teacher is not really an accommodating one, or one who could give lively description of things..

While teaching poetry, you need to have the skill for lively description... as verses need to be felt rather than understood..

XXX

We were lucky.. Mr Matthew, our Std Xth class teacher, and our English teacher along with Mrs Roy, was a gentleman..

He taught us a whole collection of Milton and Wordsworth's poems in such enlivening fashion.. Lines written in early spring, the first poem from Images of Life, which in turn was prescribed for both Std IX and Std Xth, is close to my heart..

XXX

It appreciated the beauty of nature.. it told us, Mother Earth had space and resources for everybody...

But then there is no wealth so excess in quantity that can satisfy the greed in man... which is at times unabashedly enormous..

XXX

Here's an extract..

"I hear a thousand blended notes,
While in a grove I sat reclined,
In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts,
Bring sad thoughts to the mind..

To her fair works did nature link,
The human soul that through me ran,
And much it grieved my heart to think,
What man has made of man!"

XXX

(June 25, 10:25pm)

It had been too, too hot off late... and I was without ac for the first time in five years..

That's why couldn't blog really.. I hadn't been reading either... which I usually do irrespective of circumstances..

And then this job is really taxing.. It doesn't leave me with any time at all.. the shifts are strange... I report to office at 1.. and by the time work is over, it's 9:30..

You would imagine that returning home, eating dinner, preparing for sleep... it must be 11:30-12... and then, there's no energy to write...

XXX

If I were to return home at 7pm, I'd be so happy... I would spend the evening reading and writing.. and reflecting my own thoughts over this blog here..

I don't mind getting early to work in the morning... but I must return home early... and then this job is such that I am drained on holidays, too..

Or, may be, it's the excessive heat..

But, I'm a believer and I am an optimist.. I'm sure the good, old days would be back.. I'd blog more often... and just as candidly...

XXX

(June 5, 2:15am)

It's too much of a neglect to the blog... But work is occupying me like never before..

My beat has been shifted from Congress to BJP.. and though that is refreshing in the sense that the ruling party is the meatier beat, I am having to begin from the scratch..

And in this heat!!

XXX

In the Congress, everybody knew me.. My e-mail and mobile phone were synced with their communication department...

But now I have to get all of that done in BJP headquarters too.. It's very tiring and unnerving to go out in the sun.. 43 degrees and it is expected to go only worse..

Besides they have given me one more ministry... The ministry of minority affairs.. I sms-ed Nazma Heptullah the other day... she acknowledged..

But there's no clue of an appointment yet... And the company is demanding I get her interview..

XXX

So, you see... To say I have been ignoring the blog wouldn't be fair.. I love the blog as much as I always did..

XXX

(May 15, 1:43am)

Elections are no more the thrilling leisure time spent as a teen, speculating and betting over the outcome.. As a journalist, it's dreadful in fact..

I return quite late in the night.. there is absolutely no energy to think much, leave alone penning your thought in ink.. which is why there have not been any blog entries for a couple of weeks..

XXX

But today, I thought I should at least let you know I have not given up over blog posts.. That I can never.. This blog has been my best friend, and my most bankable comfort-giver in bad times..

My regular, old readers would know, how much I have shared here in the past.. and some of you would understand how much this must have helped me in coping up..

XXX

Anyway, no relief is going to come on 16th when the results for the 16th parliamentary elections are announced...

There would be government formation, and we all would have to run around, filing reports about the new ministries..

If the mandate is not clear, the process would only spread into more number of days... the toil would, too!

XXX

Anyway, I may be leaving this kothi flat which I had taken last month... The flat is good, but there is always this house owners trying to keep a watch...

This is not the place where I can write my novel.. That would require more privacy, more serene environment..

Let me see, if I can get a good, high rise apartment... sometimes, I like looking into the sky.. watch birds flying around.. think about how life must be to them..

Think about the stars, gaze peacefully on to the moon beam... alone.. undisturbed... These provide me the preface to my thought, preface to my imagination..

I can't do that from my 1st floor balcony, with a road beneath it.. people would talk!

XXX

By the way, Madhuri Dixit turns a year more glamorous and accomplished today.. 15th May!

Happy Birthday to the Diva... Hope she signs a couple of films more.. good films!

XXX

(April 28, 12:00am)

The elections are taking a toll really... Omar is not giving me an interview, and Jyotiaraditya Scindia too  is elusive..

And a couple of guys who have agreed, are not in Delhi at present... I am running out of my ideas now.. The office wants exclusives.. I have none..

XXX

The house is slowly being done.. but the pace annoys me... I like everything done quick.. at once...

But because of office responsibilities, coupled with my own ill health for a few days, it was all stagnant..

Anyway, I will clean up the house by month end.. and may be I will get a cook from 1st of next month... That will be quite a relief..

I cannot depend on eating outside.. In food habits I am purely a Bengali.. Unless I have rice and curry, I feel listless..

XXX

(April 20, 10:17pm)

Slowly doing up the house... Got the curtains laid... and I'm almost through with kitchen too.. I guess I would be keeping a maid from 1st of next month..

Was down with viral.. so couldn't really blog...

And then, I sometimes feel always trying to do everything in a complete and finished matter obstacles my other concerns..

XXX

Such as, okay I had viral.. but I think the real reason I couldn't blog was, I was waiting that let the house be done up perfectly first..

This stopped me from blogging, and this passion to have one important thing done perfectly, and only then venturing on the next, makes me lose my focus on different thing that may have got some, if not major, attention..

XXX

But that has been a case since childhood... I cannot do anything with 80 percent efficiency and completeness..

It had to be always 90 percent and above...

And it's not just about other things getting hindered.. It also affects my health badly... Like if I decide to do the wardrobe, I will do it in a day, even if I have an appreciation that the work requires a couple of days or more..

I will cut out on all other activity... Very strangely, eating too... I wouldn't even stop to have lunch or supper... The work becomes my sole focus...

The same applies when I am writing..

XXX

Let's see.. I am trying to do things lest fastly, and less perfectly... Doesn't mean, I would compromise with quality..

But I am trying to develop the understanding, that perfection need not be applied in all of one's works.. It should be exclusive to the work which are more significant...

XXX

(Apr 14, 10:42am)

I am still settling down in the house... got a decent kurlon double bedsheet with pillow covers... got pillows and long curtains, too,,

I just hope I get some time to buy kitchen utensils and other miscellaneous items.. It's so hectic these days, due to election..

I have got the stove and the gas cylinder, too.. Then I need to set up the pooja place as well... For wchich I need to buy framed photos of the Gods and the Goddesses...

XXX

Trying to get another big interview with some politician.. Tha's part of the election specials we are running.. But, no lock so far..

I think once I have done the house, it will be very comfortable.. and very peaceful too.. It's a beautiful house..

With trees peeping in onto the balcony... The lanes outside are fairly broad and very neat.. with clusters of beautifully designed kothis surrounding the vicinity..

XXX

(April 10, 8:59am)

Shifted to my new house in Noida... It's a beautiful, spacious and airy one bhk...

And a 12-14 minute walk from a metro station in the blue line..

XXX

Still in the process of settling down, and the marketing etc need to be done on workdays, which is proving tiring..

Specially, since I have to do this in the morning, before I leave for office... in the evening I'm not home.. I return only at 9:30..

But this being a good society, many things are available on order.. They deliver items at your doorstep without charging you anything additionally..

I got the grocery, stove and gas cylinder delivered... On my day off, which may be on Saturday, I am planning to buy utensils, and other everyday commodities..

XXX

Office is good, but very hectic... Which is why I could not blog the last few days..

XXX

(Apr 6, 10:31am)

Got a house.. a good one... but will talk about it later..

Getting late for office.. Have to Cover Rahul Gandhi's rally and press meet today..

XXX

(Apr 3, 10:58pm)

The Jaswant Singh interview was a big hit today... It was also circulated to many other publications, which published it too...

And credited me with a byline... Received applaud from so many friends and seniors.. even from those who I generally do not talk to..

But not getting the right house here.. Tried in South Delhi.. but nothing good came across..

Will be seeing some properties in Noida tomorrow.. Im sure the Goddess will help me out,..

XXX

(April 1, 9:46am)

Finding the right house is so difficult... even as I have a budget of around INR 18000!

But the Goddess had helped me when I had gone to Mangalore.. to join work at The Hindu, after mumma's death..

She would help me this time, too... I trust!

XXX

(Mar 29, 11:00pm)

Tight schedule at work continues.. Covering Sonia Gandhi's rally tomorrow.. she'd be de-briefing journalists later..

Needed a VIP Press pass for that.. which is kind of substitute for PIB pass.. so whole day was spent in getting it done at Delhi Pradesh Congress Committee..

The Rally is at 4pm.. tomorrow.. in some park near Karol Bagh..

XXX

Something wonderful happened while I boarded the metro from Noida sector 16 station.. the nearest one from my ofc.. I was greeted by unexpected co-travellers Prashant and his wife Ruchi..

Prashant was a class mate at school, and a very close friend.. anyway you know na, I mix up with very few people..

Im really not the one who could meet people randomly for Saturday evenings and do photo ups..

Though we did plan an immediate meeting up, and did meet for a Saturday dinner and photo up.. but that's because both of them are my personal friends..

XXX

It so happened that both had gone to Patna for Holi, from where they camped at Delhi for a few days.. Ruchi would be taking tomorrow's train to Pune where she works post her MBA..

Prashant will take a flight to Leh a day later.. He's a lieutenant there..

XXX

(Mar 28, 12:35am)

A very overwhelming start at work.. only third day in office, and I covered the Congress manifesto release by Rahul Gandhi and party president Sonia Gandhi live..

Which was followed by a special election report on RSS, for which the executive editor called me to his room and lauded me..

And now, although I could not get bytes from Jaswant Singh, the veteran BJP leader, on Tuesday, his son called me up today and asked me if I would want to talk to his father..

May be we will do an exclusive interview of him..

XXX

But it's too hectic too.. It's a news agency.... the pace is too fast... but unlike in most news agency, where you do not get bylines, I am getting the bylines..

That's because I have been inducted as senior political reporter.. and I am doing election specials.. But it's everyday 11:15 in the night by the time I reach home..

But I only report to office at 2pm.. so in the morning I have my own space..

Hmm... very sleepy and tired now.. will write later about in the blog..

XXX

(Mar 26,12:29am)

Reached Delhi yesterday wee hours in the morning... and joined work yesterday at noon.. which was tiring.. and add to it, was a packed schedule at office which followed..

Today again was a very busy day.. yesterday my depression greatly resurfaced... but I kept speaking to my Kolkata uncle, who either kept scolding me, or condoling me..

He tried his best to abate it, and somehow it worked to an extent.. My masi, who I am speaking to after 10 years, offered the best moral support too..

She even offered me taht she could send me immediately 50,000 bucks, when I told her my depression is also because ever since I returned from Cardiff, I am not having any surplus finances..

It's comfortable, but the absolute lack of a balance sometimes worries me..

XXX

Of-course, I refused the help...but she kept pleading that whenever I want anything, I should let her know... And I don't even need to return, since she is my masi.. Tha's what she told me..

She is my mom's own sister.. she never married.. so she lived with my naany, my mama, mami and my maternal cousin.. my mama-mami's son..

She doted on me always... but after grandma died, mama and mumma were never on talking terms.. In next two years the relationship soured to a point of no return..

XXX

Some people say it's because my mama wanted that only his son should get all of masi's property.. not me... so he timely divided masi and mumma.. but will he really do that?

Some others say it was mumma who behaved arrogantly...but mumma and arrogance?

Some others say, they never liked each other anyway.. so this was rather natural.. Anyway, the point is after ten years, masi is back in my life..

And not because I can fall back on her for finances.. I would never do that.. at least not in this birth as Anando Bhakto.. I'd probably need to take another birth to be greedy or calculating..

But I'm happy that I can talk to Masi whenever I like to... She reminds me of mom, who she resembles in looks... And she reminds me of grandmom, who she resembles in patience and the way of affection..

XXX

(Mar 22, 8:18pm)

The train was delayed by 12 hours.. quite unusual, but I guess this suits me more... In fact I am getting feelers the Gods ordained this..

See, I'd be settling down in a new city all over again.. I'd be resuming work again... you may say, it's my second innings...

Or rather, you may say I am starting an innings with the agility of a fresher again... as I do not like the word 'second' too much... Neurologically too, I am a number one person.. My birthday falling on Jan first!

Anyway... The Gods and the Goddesses didn't wish I left for such an important beginnings on a Saturday... that too at dusk..

XXX

Now, I'd be leaving on a Sunday... in the wee hours of the morning.. And somehow, I am more at peace with this re-scheduling... I do not want any unpleasant occurrences hampering my career at this point.. everything must be done at auspicious time..

Last time, it was a good start at The Hindu... but ill-timed... I left home after a personal loss... and left without having gathered myself..

XXX

And then the difficulties multiplied.. finances were inadequate.. my brother was causing great agonies to me, and my father refused to cooperate..

And I was always under the fear that there might soon be a time when I'd have to vacate my flat in Grands Pallavi Apartment here, not able to pay for its rent and other upkeep..

Now things are so better.. the Gods and the Goddess, ensured these are better... Brother is away, living separately.. father has agreed to receive mom's pension and give half of it to me every month..

I obviously do not need mom's money to live comfortably; I can earn a comfortable life very much with my talent and my sincerity at work..

But then I did need an aid to maintain mumaa's house in Patna, which is a rented one.. and which I can never imagine doing away with... thankfully, muma's pension takes care of the costs involved..

It's time I concentrated at work.. there is peace, there is finance... and most of all, as the events of the day reflected, there is the abundant blessings of the Gods and the Goddesses!

XXX

(Mar 21, 10:56pm)

Last night at home... leaving for Delhi tomorrow!

XXX

Had a quiet day at home... went out for a couple of hours in afternoon, but came back by four... I was particular, that I should spend more time indoors..

In my home, which gives me a very positive and peace feeling!

XXX

Let's see what kind of house I find myself in Delhi.. Ideally, it should be an apartment... not a builder floor one which lacks privacy, but a society one..

And ideally, it should be high rise.. say 6th floor or above... and though it cannot be as big as my Grands Pallavi Apartment in Patna, but it should be at least 650 sq feets..

I think that should be a comfortable carpet area for one BHK..

XXX

But the rent?

That's the most annoying part..

Between I'd prefer a furnished one... Frankly, I'm not the type who can hire a empty house and do with a couple of matrice and few kitchen items and utensils spread in one corner of the room.. I'm just not made like that..

Even though mumma was particular that one should not be used to any one particular circumstances in life.. she thought, one should rather have the ability to make any circumstances the happiest for oneself..

Surely, she did it in her life... despite being in circumstances that were at least ten times more depressing than what I had been facing in the first two and a half years after her death, she was never depressed.. NEVER!

XXX

But that was mumma.. I'm different... I need a proper I BHK, that is bedrrom, hall kitchen, a couple of washrooms and a balcony.. and of-course, fully furnished..

XXX

(Mar 20, 12:20am)

The last time I bought Nandan, the children's story book published every month, was in September 2010..

That was a time I was getting ready to leave for Mangalore.. To join work at The Hindu..

Everytime I'm shifting base from home, whether for studies or work, I like spending some time on my hobbies - reading topping the list..

And somehow I have retained my interest in reading children's books.. Skm sir, the ACJ dean, said he did too...

But that was not to be.. Mumma passed away unexpectedly, and that last copy of Nandan was lost without my reading it at all..

XXX

Today, as I was re-arranging my old book shelf, I found the same copy.. the September 2010 issue of Nandan!

Incidentally, these are similar times.. I am once again shifting base from home to begin work.. This time in Delhi...

And that adds to my renewed interest in reading that copy.. In fact I am doing that now, as I prepare to sleep..

XXX

Between, I went to see Mrs Ghosh today, that old colleague of mumma and former principal of mumma's college..

She is an avid listener and likes talking to me.. She asked me to narrate every detail of the Kashmir trip.. and saw the pictures rather keenly..

XXX

(Mar 17, 8:21pm)

It's been a good Holi... but most of my friends weren't in Patna this time.. keep watching, i'd be blogging later in the night... I told you I'm back to regular!

XXX

(Mar 14, 11:55pm)

It was a very tiring day.. got the house thoroughly cleaned up.. for it's barely three days to Holi..

Then, thankfully, all the bank work got sorted out.. which means I'll have enough cash to settle down in Delhi... i'm leaving from Patna on 22nd..

I went to the temple, too.. it's exactly three and a half years today.. I mean, since 14th Sep, 2010.. so prayed for muma's peace.. and I brought a garland too, which I then put around her display photo in our hall..

XXX

I'm nearly done with my wardrobe.. My Kolkata uncle said I should not use too many of my dresses now, once the are drycleaned.. else, I wouldn't have time to dry clean them again before leaving for Delhi..

Then, of-course, we both reminisced how greatly we all had enjoyed in Kolkata.. this week, while I was holidaying with the Dasguptas..

XXX

The presents from Kashmir... the handicraft items, the tumblers, the almonds, were all lying up in the heap of clothes and papers in my room for the last three weeks..

But of-course, I got the room arranged today.. I got so nostalgic seeing them.. it was such a wonderful two months in the valley..

I'd be writing about it in my successive posts..

XXX

(Mar 13, 10:25am)

Just returned home after a week's holidaying in Kolkata.. with uncle and aunt... and I'd be leaving Patna to settle down in Delhi in another 9 days..

So want to make the best of this time, here at home... Holi is on 17th.. that wouldn't be too exciting, as none of my friends are here.. even Rohan canceled his tickets at the last moment..

Anyway, i'd be blogging two times a day from today... and I'd be starting from where I left.. Kashmir!

XXX

(Feb 20, 8:11pm)

I'm back to Patna.. and that is so good a feeling... I was wondering if there would be still some cold there..

I like home more, when it is the month of January and February.. and things are slower than usual.. it reminds me perhaps of the 1990s, my childhood, when things weren't as fast..

And a good, cold weather means I'm mostly indoors.. and reading more keenly and enjoying that too.. since everything would be quiet and still..

Thankfully, the very next day I arrived here, it rained heavily and the sun did not appear next three days.. so, it was exactly that feel I had been craving for..

XXX

Financially things aren't fine... I mean mom had a FD, the same one which I could not trace when I needed money badly in 2011...

Those were times when I had quit job in The Hindu, and those were my worst days in all the ways.. even though I have found the FD, there is no nomination..

That means there's a lot of paperwork to do.. but once I get this, I'd be well-off for now.. and man, did I tell you I have a couple of job offers..

I'd be joining after Holi.. so basically, there's no problem.. just that I need to get the FD liquified..

XXX

I'd be sharing so many things with you about Kashmir... I guess I would be writing regularly now... till Holi.. this is one month, then I'd be travelling to Delhi.. for the job.. settling up there again..

This also reminds me of 2011.. after all those ghastly days, I finally had job.. and money too.. and I'd be blogging so often then.. till I left for Delhi....

Only that I am three yours older.. and much more patient.. not because I have grown surprisingly wiser for my age.. or found some guardian to look after me..

But I have realised the Goddess.. and also the Gods.. will assure I am well off.. and doing good in my career...

I talk about the Goddess less often now.. but my faith has become more steady.. and silently overwhelming..

XXX

Keep watching the space for all the Kashmir stuff..

XXX

(Feb 11, 1:04pm)

Let me reach Patna day after tomorrow.. and then I will have so many interesting anecdotes to share.. all from my Kashmir stay..

And I'm sure you would like them.. I'd be once again regularly blogging for you... stay tuned..

I'm in Delhi since Friday.. still nostalgic about Kashmir..

XXX

(Jan 21, 12:16pm)

My second story from Kashmir
http://www.kashmirlife.net/children-of-heaven/

In recent years, Kashmir’s infamous detention camps of the 1990s have undergone a makeover. What once echoed of howls of pain now resonate of bird song and good music. Ministers have quickly taken them over, to enjoy the surrounding mountains and mirror still lakes. The narrative of ‘occupation’ is changing. Through instruments such as the proposed police bill, the state will ensure Mushtaq and Faizan and ‘Petrol’ and thousands of other juveniles are filled with more fear. More trauma. More ridicule. More everyday ‘repression’. So that there is absolutely no note of complaint. So that there is no endeavour for justice. So that, there is ‘peace’.

XXX

(Jan 15, 2:20pm)

My first narrative piece from Kashmir, The Atonement !!
http://www.kashmirlife.net/atonement/

"A couple of hours from now, Srinagar will be dark and frigid. Farooq Posh will stand in the cold in the basement, killing time until his sons had returned. “In Muzaffarabad, they used a motorbike to go to nearby markets. Today they walk to home for over an hour from Lal Chowk,” he told me ruefully. From his house in the outskirts of Srinagar, the Himalayas seem to gherao the city like a giant’s army on vigil. On the other side of the Himalayas, across the Pir Panjal, is a nation which they call India. Farooq’s story is not known to her people. They haven’t heard about Nisar, his dead sister or his mourning wife and children. They know nothing about the long tragedy that had befallen the thousands of Farooqs and Nisars and their hapless brethren. But one day, when Farooq or Nisar or their children will pick up a stone again, or fire a gunshot again, in mindless attempt to tell the world about their plight, the sleeping conscience of the Indian mainland will at once be awakened. Not to plead their case. But to demand yet another round of ‘atonement’."

XXX

(Jan 6, 4:30pm)

Happy New Year.. Lots to share with you all..

Just give me some time to write..

XXX

Between, I dreamed of Mom again... last night.. rather today.. as I had gone to bed at only 4am... having listened to Rabindra Sangeet the whole of last night..

It was a special meeting-up with muma... special on so many counts...

First, it is still the new year season.. and we have celebrated this season rather zealously always.. and then, I'm in Kashmir, and it's such a pleasant sight here..

Snow falling into the mirror-still waters of the Dal.. and the Nageen...

XXX

And special also, as this dream was not marked by any note of meloncholy or separation.. It was all about togetherness..

We toured the city, cold as the day was... stopping at shops and buying stationary things... mom's favourite pastime... like the drawing boards and water colours... the books and diaries...

Lots of pens of different ink... files.. calendars... fancy carry bags.... Sometimes, I told her it was too much spending.. grannie would be upset...

She told me I need not worry.. and somehow, and quite unusually, I agreed..

XXX

Were it the tunes of Rabindra Sangeet which drew her to me... Perhaps.... Music penetrates afterall...

This world, or the other, a soulful music never fails to touch one's thoughts... or create reconciliation..

XXX