(Nov 23, 1:46am)

It's getting colder in Delhi...  and I'm not blogging at all... despite my promises to you.. even I'm wondering why I don't.......

A lot of people follow this blog, and sometimes also those who I wouldn't want to... But I had never been inhibited before.. why, now?

But then, I'm working... In Delhi, amid an ever expanding network of people and acquaintances and and other sources for my stories..

I meet so many people from all walks of life.. and then, sometimes, it reaches my ears, that X, Y or Z googled my name, came across this blog and read certain stuff...

Some people are more curious.. they actually scroll down and see posts as old as those written in 2010.. or 2011..

That bothers me.. I would want my official contacts to know me only officially... I open before very few people.. Not that I'm scared of my secrets getting let out to them.. I have none,,.

But then I'm instinctively a private person.. I don't like emoting to too many people...

XXX

Then there's more... Earlier there were times when I was depressed... and the old readers would know that a depressed mind impelled me to write more often...

These days I am in anxiety... and that's different from depression... It doesn't trigger my thoughts out over this blog..

It convolutes them...

You must be wondering why the anxiety..

XXX

It's getting late.. there are so many things to be done.. yes, I'm settled as a journalist in Delhi.. I'm doing good work, and the profile will only improve gradually, God willing..

But there are things on the personal front... I have a house in Patna,... It was getting difficult to afford it.. it's a rented one.. and a good one, in a posh locality, demanding a good money...

Now of-course things are better.. last year, some influential friends of my mom eked out a deal with dad.. that he would receive my mom's family pension, and give half of that to me..

I'm getting that money every month, with which I am maintaining the house there.. and the servants..

XXX

But what next?

What once he is dead... that pension would lapse.. I sound odd.. but that's what would give you a hint at what's going on in my mind...

He is old, 72... he can't live a hundred years.. and I can't part with that house.. it's my mom's memorabilia..

And I'm not earning so much that I can buy two houses.. the one in Patna and another in Delhi... in fact, given the state of real estates, nobody can possibly...

Then?

What after the status quo is over... I'm leaving in a posh house in Delhi which eats 45 per cent of my salary.. and I'm affording another in Patna with what I'm getting from my dad from the family pension..

What next?

Even if I start living in a PG in Delhi, and save a lot of money, I may be able to buy a small house here in the national capital..

But what about the house in Patna?

How would I maintain that once dad is gone?

My mom had so much money.. so much means.. and she squandered it all.. donated it all.. half the money gone in her extravagance.. and the rest in mindless philanthropy..

And see, where I'm landed..

XXX

My friends advise, not to think too much about the future... But somehow I keep getting distracted.. and that also means I cannot concentrate on my writing..

Leave the book, I am not able to write even posts for this blog...

What would happen to my novel?

I need a certain stability to write that... Yes, even now I have plans.. I always have plans.. so long as you have hope, and so long you have a composure, you can plan.. you can work..

And the Goddess.. She is still there.. I can't connect to her so often now.. but I have told her, that whether or not I am able to connect, I love her just as much.. and I believe in her..

She would help..

XXX

It's not too much time since I turn 30,.,, I need to start my book before that.. I have plots.. I have the characters.. who almost appear as human faces to me...  as I have for so long thought about them and felt their pain..

See, first of all I need a newspaper job.. a news agency does not allow me any time at all.. so getting a newspaper job should be the priority..

Second there was a land which my mom and dad had jointly purchased.. ethically, my dad should give half of it to me, as he has no right to keep what belongs to my mom.. even the law doesn't allow him..

Even half that land would mean, I can sell it and purchase the Patna house with the money that I get... That would solve all my worries..

But here too there is a complexity... my father had deceived my mother into giving him money to buy the land, saying it would be in joint ownership..

And after they split, it turned out he had bought it all in his name, despite taking half the money from mom!!!!

XXX

So long as mom was alive, he did not contradict that mom had contributed.. but after she passed away he is blatantly lying, and there's little I can do unless he has a change of heart by himself and does what ethic demands..

If I once again involve my mom's influential friends, things would sort out, but I have no time for that.. more importantly, I have no energy for that..

I don't want to get into such complexities.. I'm a very sensitive person.. with a writer's instincts.. that longs for seclusion.. that longs for tranquility..

XXX

And I can't beg... and why should I?

Why should I beg for what is my mom's and what is, under the law, now rightfully mine??

Sometimes I wonder, what made my mom marry him... he's avarice for money is extra-ordinary... he has so much money already.. he's earning handsomely even now.. he has no obligations, and yet an insatiable desire to have more money...

Would you believe if I tell you, he walks from home to college and from college to home, because he cant even part with a couple of ten rupees to the rickshaw pullers? That he doesn't install a geyser, or a hot air blower during harsh winters, as that would consume more electricity? And that he refuses to go to the doctor even when he is very ill, as the doctor would demand a fee? And that he stopped buying newspapers after HT increased its price by one rupee!!!!!

XXX

Anyway.. how does it matter to me... I don't need or want his money... There are many avaricious people like him... and I should steer clear of them..

But he should at least return what is mom's.. Mom in her lifetime never made an effort to get it back.. she never took any money from him for our upbringing either... she had no fascination for money..

I don't have fascination for money either.. although I would always want to live comfortably and happily, for which adequate money is needed..

Yes, like any honourable person, I can build that comfort for me here in Delhi with my own hard earned money,..

But thanks to mom, it's not one but two houses in two cities that I have to take care of.. and there's where the problem rests..

And no, pls don't advise me to wind up the Patna house... I cannot possibly kill my emotions for the more practical requirements, altogether..

XXX

Getting back to the point, before I start writing my novel... I have basically two things to attain.. I have to get a newspaper job, which would give me the leisure that writing demands..

And I have to convince my father, to return my mom's land to me, so that I can sell it off, and buy the Patna house..

That would give me a lot of peace.. and I could concentrate on my writing..

XXX

These days my relationship with my dad is much better.. he calls once in a week to find out about me.. and he is willing to help me in a lot of things...

He co sponsored my Cardiff trip last year, and when I shifted to Delhi, he asked his scholars to escort me during my travelling...

It almost seems he loves me.. But then, he's like Shylock.. he himself doesn't know, what is more important... his child or his money..

When Jessica ran away with Lorenzo, Shylock ran through the streets, crying out "My daughter, My ducats.. my ducats, My daughter...."

Shylock himself was not sure what was causing him the pain.. that his daughter eloped with a non-Jew boyfriend Lorenzo, or that she eloped with half his money..

I think that explains to you everything...

XXX