Am I losing composure?
which I have so far retained, despite the panic and thousand worries surrounding me, my world......

Well, not at least in appearance or conduct.

But somewhere within, yes...perhaps at some deeper level of consciousness....at the psychic realm, which pertains outside of science....

My mom's been spiritually enlightened......and I have her genes.....

So is it that I am foreboding?
something sinister???

XXX

Logically, I shouldn't.
My work in Mangalore has just picked up pace.....they're welcoming me to write...although I am a sub.. and my Lawyer also rings up and says, he's filed the suit and mumma's dues would soon be granted..

Then?

Perhaps I can attribute this to my tremendous sense of emotional insecurity..Why, but?

I still feel her, she's with me that's the truth....she even answers my calls to find me a house....everything falls in place, as she would have ensured otherwise...So what it is???

Why the disquiet??

Okay, something is missing. Something which can't be restored.
TOUCH.

Touch is important, I realise only now....
But that doesn't define the uneasiness, which is so much more than just physical...

why, why at all?
especially, when I have her still.

You may not believe this, but that's the ultimate truth.
And that's the palpable truth, too.

Then?

May be I am just longing for home....to be around the bed...the room...the side table, where she prepared tea glued to the TV....

Or the books may be, her treasure trove.

But i am mature...i know i'd be there....sometime sooner....why then, the unrest????

And then it's so more emphatic than just unrest....It feels time is racing ahead....everybody else too...I need to catch up pace....I need to start the novels....I need to finish them, need them published...

I have to find my place...have to make my name....rather than just depend on mom's...she's cared for me enough...its time i payed back...making the name... retaining the legacy...of art, of music, of literature.....of everything else that defines class and its sobriety..

which she had...and which's mentioned in the eulogies the university has sent us.. upon her "death."

XXX

I used quotes. Because i don't believe in death, which is alien concept. In Hinduism, the soul lives on. Beyond perish. There's the etheric body...but that's hard to explain in a blog. So let's chuck.

XXX

Will i just end up philistine.....
won't i become her?

A Learned.

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I have to have the name...i can't be a poor copy of a scholar parent. I need recognition. To match up. To qualify as worthy son. I know it's being desperate...or may be ambitious, which anyway, is defined negatively....by the defeatist world...

but i need not buy that...if humankind bought it always, we would not have rome...we would not have renaissance....we would not have the zest to rise up and fight, and ignite our will..and realise them.

we would be mundane.

XXX

But all this needs time, needs patient endeavour.
I am no work-shirker, even foes would admit.

But why can't i be well-timed, too? Why am i not slowing down. I am saving even pennies. To buy a laptop (which my mother had dozens of times offered to buy. And I had refused, nonchalantly..I guess i dont like laptops). I need laptop so that i may write the novels. Make the name. Qualify.

XXX