(January 5, 10:23pm)

It's getting unbearable... how long can i fake smiles and let others believe everything's okay.. and even if i am able to forever, what with the pain?

Im more and more at loss of ways in handling my depression.. I knew the winters will be difficult.. thank goodness last year I was south, where there's no winter..

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There's no shoulder to lean on, nobody to care.. remember I told you.. people love me only to later leave me..

Cant help it.. it's destined it seems!

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Mrs Ghosh too wants me to see the doctor..

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Thriving on sedatives?
Is that what awaits me in life?

Am i too destined to be a beautiful but bedevilled artist (writer), whose craft is eventually lost to doses of barbiturate?

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Oh I dint tell you I visited Mrs Ghosh yesterday.. for the land grab story.. since she too is a victim.. we had a Bengali lunch together.. which is to say varieties of fish..

Her old bungalow is a museum of everything that poetry demands of art! Antiques, piano, shelves full of 19th and early 20th century books.. quaint furniture..

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83 and alone and harassed by the mafia.. she still is more self-assured than me.. more full of hope, more full of life!

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Btw, the evening was spent at Lalu Yadav's house.. I cant tell you the official part of it, but we can discuss other things.. his son is hospital.. he showed me his garden and the pond rather excitedly.. and treated me well..

I told him his caller tune (which was a Krishna bhajan) was good. "Oh thank you, I am a great follower of ISKON's Hare Krishna movement,' he replied delightfully.. perhaps happy that I noticed..

"Yup, he is!" I thought.. "Since the walls were adorned with Lord Krishna's photos on all sides.. even the calendars.."

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The pizza boy just delivered the Marguerites.. Was out all day.. so Bharati ji didnt have the opportunity to cook us dinner.. will take them with tea.. signing off.. Bbyee..

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