(January 31, 5:36pm)
I haven't been wanting to write for sometime now..but i guess microblogging would be good enough..so here's some brieflies..
XXX
Okay, im happy that the Gods spoke to me at last..and this communication was just as much perceptible as had been their silence...But, then, im yet to hear from the Goddess..Let's see..i hope i re-connect..
XXX
On the other hand, there's this memory lapses happening to me..since september actually..at first I thought this was periodic, and I'd be okay soon..perhaps as time distances itself from its murky positionings...but thats not how it is..my memory has not just been erratic, its deteriorating..
Anyways I'll wait for the re-arrangement,
once onto it, I might see the doc..
XXX
Madhuri Shahrukh performing on Filmfare nights!
God, thats like some ethereal poetry coming to life, and prawling into my soul forever!!
XXX
Heard Srk looked suave in a black pathan suit, while Mads dazzled in baby-pink lehenga! I'd be missing their performances on the 6th on Sony..Work beckons, you see...but never mind, we have you-tube for rescue!
XXX
Lets see what Thursday has in store for me..
I've left it on the Gods..long, long before!
XXX
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
(January 22, 10:36pm)
My depression has become more like caprice..it's happening in quick successions..rather than the longer ones earlier....i dont know if i should derive any positivity here..but, at least, this makes the pain less tormenting...and when im okay, i can also quickly make some damage controls, which werent otherwise possible..
XXX
Why do i keep getting these glimmers of hope..nothing materialises..these just come around as fragments of good times, and then things are again wayward..i want something more complete, something which stays..lets see..im hopeful..and not because, it gives us happy illusions..hope for me is more than just thinking positive..it's associating with the divine..with the Gods..from where all trust and positivity stem..
XXX
My depression has become more like caprice..it's happening in quick successions..rather than the longer ones earlier....i dont know if i should derive any positivity here..but, at least, this makes the pain less tormenting...and when im okay, i can also quickly make some damage controls, which werent otherwise possible..
XXX
Why do i keep getting these glimmers of hope..nothing materialises..these just come around as fragments of good times, and then things are again wayward..i want something more complete, something which stays..lets see..im hopeful..and not because, it gives us happy illusions..hope for me is more than just thinking positive..it's associating with the divine..with the Gods..from where all trust and positivity stem..
XXX
Friday, January 21, 2011
(Jamuary 21, 2:26pm)
I can't find either meaning or optimism in whatever is happening..it doesn't get brighter, and it doesn't go away either..
I guess i cant bank on "them" any more..it's too late to derive even any delusory positivity..in fact, i thought it was all over..but then, i get this call from some other party..who can also help...and may be more meaningfully..
XXX
They said they'll get back to me today..but they haven't so far...why am i not like others? people wait much longer, and without once panicking or getting desperate..but look at me..it's less than 24 hours, and im already fretting..
When grandmumma was alive, i werent like this...i was carefree, i was happy go-lucky..all i knew in this world was, if i ever had had troubles, mumma would handle it away...i could just relax.. and pamper myself in the comfort..
But then granmumma left us, and mumma had her way..she became reckless with money..and i realised i was never relaxed or totally happy again..
XXX
But as long as mumma were physically present, i was much happier..but i didnt know then..we do not generally recognise the beauty in our present worlds..we are glued to the future..which is more beautiful, more convinient..and we love it more, because it accommodates our whims too..unlike the present, which would want us change..but i guess thats just how we miss out on other things..may be trifle in value, but much truer in meaning!
XXX
What do i do if they dont call me?
how long should i wait before buzzing them up??
Any body else would wait at least a week, and my mind tells me exactly that..but i know, id have buzzed much earlier..may be today itself..
XXX
I can't find either meaning or optimism in whatever is happening..it doesn't get brighter, and it doesn't go away either..
I guess i cant bank on "them" any more..it's too late to derive even any delusory positivity..in fact, i thought it was all over..but then, i get this call from some other party..who can also help...and may be more meaningfully..
XXX
They said they'll get back to me today..but they haven't so far...why am i not like others? people wait much longer, and without once panicking or getting desperate..but look at me..it's less than 24 hours, and im already fretting..
When grandmumma was alive, i werent like this...i was carefree, i was happy go-lucky..all i knew in this world was, if i ever had had troubles, mumma would handle it away...i could just relax.. and pamper myself in the comfort..
But then granmumma left us, and mumma had her way..she became reckless with money..and i realised i was never relaxed or totally happy again..
XXX
But as long as mumma were physically present, i was much happier..but i didnt know then..we do not generally recognise the beauty in our present worlds..we are glued to the future..which is more beautiful, more convinient..and we love it more, because it accommodates our whims too..unlike the present, which would want us change..but i guess thats just how we miss out on other things..may be trifle in value, but much truer in meaning!
XXX
What do i do if they dont call me?
how long should i wait before buzzing them up??
Any body else would wait at least a week, and my mind tells me exactly that..but i know, id have buzzed much earlier..may be today itself..
XXX
Thursday, January 20, 2011
(January 20, 3:11pm)
Palatable illusions can give you a lot of relief, but sadly only temporarily..and so my depression is getting the better of me again..
it's good to hope, and visualise things in your mind..the ones you want, the way you want..and believing this will be reflected in real life too..
But then thats just a delusion of the mind..and no matter how pally and comforting it is, you get to come out at some point..and when you do, an even darker world awaits you..
In one hour, ill get to know my fate..either i'll make it, or i wont make it..then? what next? how do i sustain this.....my existence!
XXX
Palatable illusions can give you a lot of relief, but sadly only temporarily..and so my depression is getting the better of me again..
it's good to hope, and visualise things in your mind..the ones you want, the way you want..and believing this will be reflected in real life too..
But then thats just a delusion of the mind..and no matter how pally and comforting it is, you get to come out at some point..and when you do, an even darker world awaits you..
In one hour, ill get to know my fate..either i'll make it, or i wont make it..then? what next? how do i sustain this.....my existence!
XXX
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
(January 18, 5:31pm)
I feel so sidelined..there hasnt been any response from their side..ya, the same people...with whom things almost run wayward..or who knows, may be totally..there's this strange silence..what's in their mind, how are they gonna react? Im totaly clueless..
XXX
I hope the Gods help out..even they seem to have forgotten me, particularly the Goddess..it's been ages since i spoke to her..i pray every morning without relent..but then, that's different..i havent been communing with the Goddess now..there was this time when she was the be all and end all..now i just offer her prayers, amongst other Gods..she doesnt talk to me anymore..and thats clearly perceptible..
XXX
I feel so sidelined..there hasnt been any response from their side..ya, the same people...with whom things almost run wayward..or who knows, may be totally..there's this strange silence..what's in their mind, how are they gonna react? Im totaly clueless..
XXX
I hope the Gods help out..even they seem to have forgotten me, particularly the Goddess..it's been ages since i spoke to her..i pray every morning without relent..but then, that's different..i havent been communing with the Goddess now..there was this time when she was the be all and end all..now i just offer her prayers, amongst other Gods..she doesnt talk to me anymore..and thats clearly perceptible..
XXX
Monday, January 17, 2011
(January 17, 1:34pm)
I didn't think I'd be able to write for the souvenir..My school, St Xavier's is hosting the Jesuit reunion this year...it's a proud moment...a school gets to host it only once in its existence...they are taking out a year book, and the princi thought i should represent mid-90s to the early 2000s..
I hope they like it..
and i just wish i am able to attend it too..
XXX
Apurva called me today, and so did Sid..they said they were missing me..I reciprocated the thought..it actually feels miserable...without both of them..they are such good childhood friends..
XXX
Im yet to get any mail..you remember yestertday something almost soured, and how i tried to restore things..im yet to hear anything...let's hope my efforts aint wasted..its really detrimental to the re-arrangement thing!!
XXX
Should i call up the tarot reader..she's a gifted psychic..will she be help? Im not able to decide..
XXX
I dreamed about an ACJian friend of mine..last night...i was surprised, as i hadnt even been thinking of ACJ for long time..except Nishat sir, who had come to my place..anyway, he was the first term friend, who i havent spoken to since November 1..i saw we were in a station..perhaps some other ACJians were too..and not one of them greeted me..not him either..it felt weird..it felt sad..
XXX
I didn't think I'd be able to write for the souvenir..My school, St Xavier's is hosting the Jesuit reunion this year...it's a proud moment...a school gets to host it only once in its existence...they are taking out a year book, and the princi thought i should represent mid-90s to the early 2000s..
I hope they like it..
and i just wish i am able to attend it too..
XXX
Apurva called me today, and so did Sid..they said they were missing me..I reciprocated the thought..it actually feels miserable...without both of them..they are such good childhood friends..
XXX
Im yet to get any mail..you remember yestertday something almost soured, and how i tried to restore things..im yet to hear anything...let's hope my efforts aint wasted..its really detrimental to the re-arrangement thing!!
XXX
Should i call up the tarot reader..she's a gifted psychic..will she be help? Im not able to decide..
XXX
I dreamed about an ACJian friend of mine..last night...i was surprised, as i hadnt even been thinking of ACJ for long time..except Nishat sir, who had come to my place..anyway, he was the first term friend, who i havent spoken to since November 1..i saw we were in a station..perhaps some other ACJians were too..and not one of them greeted me..not him either..it felt weird..it felt sad..
XXX
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