I met the lawyer today....and discussed what to do!

Mr U.S.Tiwary, senior Advocate Patna High Court....a rather sprightly figure for a man in early 60s! Patient, kind-hearted and from what it seems, dexterous enough to help me out..

Lets see.

XXX

Never thought being Bengali would one day let me down..

Had I belonged to any other community, the law would have compelled "Him" to arrange for my upkeep....to pay our rents and provide me money if I opt for Cardiff!

But, Bengali inheritance is guided by this "out-of-the-world" act, called "DAYABHAAG"...

Which says, men of all colors and class- whether kin or strangers- are son of the same almighty, and hence a man shall, if he so obliges, shower his mercy (read money) on whoever he desires!

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Weird

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So, what now?

Will "He" indeed turn me pauper, and force his strange ways upon me?

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The lawyer hopes not...He's diligently studying the "Dayabhaag" law....and he believes there must be some loopholes...that he could work to my advantage...

Meanwhile, attempts have already begun to retrieve my mom's outstanding money...I hope this is done in six months....as, that is how long we can maintain the house in Patna..

XXX

But, it may still not be enough to buy a flat...I need a flat...and a good one, too...where mumma can live....

And I will have my way....just as she had had, always!

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I bought three roses for mumma while returning from the lawyer's bungalow...

Yesterday, I had bought a pink one and put it beside mumma's pic....and was pleasantly surprised to see the petals were in perfect contrast to what she wears in that pic!

Destiny's sweet arrangements...................and some grim ones!

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People had been asking me this all along: Does "He" really not love you?

I replied to myself: Shylock loved his daughter.......but he loved the "ducats" too.

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I'm planning to meet some influential men in the town.....for obvious reasons....I have to restore my finances and buy mom a flat!

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My efforts for restoring finances have begun.....although I'm not sure how I'd fare....Or, how the malice of fate would allow me fare!

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"He" was fleeing to his village this evening....
Unbelievable!

At a time when he should stand beside me and bear me up in distress, he decides to escape....and for a long while....so that, in want of his signatures, none of my work may progress, leaving us pauper!

Pauper- that's what he wants us to become!
Paupers would accept anybody who offers help....In this case "HE."

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Thankfully, we got an inkling of it in advance....and I was His place early in the morning...and with a friend.....A carefully chosen friend....one whose relatives not only live in the same apartment as "He", but whose dad is influential in Patna University, too....

"He" would not mess up, hence....Peer pressure counts....always...and with men of all hues and class!

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We played our cards wisely enough...and that paid...."He" cannot claim any of my mother's money now....and this, by stamp of law....words can never express my gratitude to Ro**n, MBA grad and today's mediator!

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I meet the lawyer tommorow, so that I might avail whatever little mumma has left me....the money is outstanding, and so this might take time....A couple of months, hopefully....May the Gods will this early and without hassles...

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But that won't be enough....I still need more to maintain my standards....not that I've an inertia of comfort....But, mumma's soul would never rest in peace if she sees us in inadequacy!

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I might demand maintenance, which "He' hasn't offered voluntarily...The lawyer would advise me better...Tommorow...when I see him with G***L Uncle!

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Ro**n was being strict...last night.... when he asked me to switch off the TV...and the AC, too....

And today, Shahnaz Aunty wanted me to change...
I refused to oblige either...And offered mumma food, instead....

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It's not madness...it's not illusion of mind either...She is present.....
she, definitely, is.

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Ashu- the Chef in making- cooked Murga and pulao last night....and enriched the menu with a mouth-watering paneer and green salad!

Sid helped him assiduously, while Apurva prepared an accompaniment of "Boondi Raita." Pankaj, Amritanshu and Rohan were the merry-makers....They placed there laptops in every other room, including kitchen...and tried to enhance my mood with funny pictures and video-clips!

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But finding me morose, Apurva addded some punch to the get together and took me on a ride outside...We went to Boring Road- 10Kms away from home- and relished Golguppas beneath an abandoned tree!

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I wanted to offer dinner to mom as usual....but was finding that odd....earlier in the evening, Apoorva was trying to suggest if I changed the Kurtas and wore jeans or something...

I left the issue hanging...

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I planned that once all were gone, I'd serve the food to mumma..But people were eating voraciously, as is expected in boys' meet-up!

So, I lied to Ashu that he left some pulao n paneer for me, which I'd have in late night..

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He approved, and also made this look normal to others...But, Im sure nobody would have believed I was going to have that myself!

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After the feast was over, Sid was packing food for her Mum. In Public!

But, I needed to wait till others had left...And that hurt me, and made me feel hapless again...

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They are planning a movie...Anjaana Anjaani!

Kind efforts from kindly friends....And Goddess, you?
Are you too planning to approve and grant what I've asked??

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The old Hindu rituals were neither absurd nor mundane...I realise that now....It's 15 days and I'm still clad in white....Willingly!

For I can possibly never summon the courage to drape myself in colours...I tried some very light ones the day the "Shraddha" was solemnised....

for few moments.....before it began tormenting me!

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People in the neighbourhood know the rites are over....and so they steal glances on me when I move around in my "kurtas"....

The guards, the hawkers.....and people in general.....they all stare....and they must also be talking when I'm gone...I can't help it yet...

WHITE gives me peace; everything else is nauseating!

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I still offer food to my mom....tea....sweets....and whatever else is cooked....

Siddhant was looking disapprovingly that day....He tried asking whom was the plate for, knowing well that it was for mom...

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I ask my bro to prepare tea for her every morning and leave that in the table beside her bed....

So far he obliges....but I'm afraid he might soon confront...what would I do, then?

I can't make tea myself....What would I offer mom, then?

XXX

Xaviers friends are trying their best to cheer me up....First they worked to death to make the "Shraddha" ceremony grand....

and now they gather at my place every evening and take me out...Yesterday they took me to St Xavier's and recreated some happy moments from our olden days!

XXX

Today Ashu is coming with his gang, again...They will cook "Murga aur Pulao" and watch movies..............their heartfelt efforts to dissipate the gloom!

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Between "He" has sensed it, I guesss.
It = one last effort to restore our finances..

"He" would never will it happen...If I'm adequate, "He" loses me. If I'm crippled, "He" gets my custody...something "He" lost 22 years back..

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Goddess, please let the deal be done....and let that be done the way I have imagined....Pls Goddess....

The tepid in "him" thinks if I don't manage the finances, I move in to his place...But at least you know, that I'd rather go to the dogs...

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Afford me the dignity, grant me the honour....
Please Goddess, let the deal be done!

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The Shraddha Ceremony was both serene and grandiose....just the way you would have loved....the prayers were heartfelt; the hymns chanted with irrefutable faith, and the holy vibrations in the cosmos seemed to spread divinity all around!

And all of that enough to give you abounding peace....I Suppose.

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You loved flowers...And so I ensured there were gardens of them....around your Picture, around the room!

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A pleasant crowd of people had gathered to pay you homage....Those who you loved, and also those, who loved you....They talked about your subtle grace....and the exemplary courage with which you braved the torments of life!

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It was a rare moment to see both the present principal and an 80 year old former principal pay you respects!

"Whoever had the privilege of knowing her, felt blessed for she was truly noble": Reads the letter that MMC princi presented in your honour..

And that bespeaks the Lady-like aplomb with which you graced your life; I must be blessed to be borne to you!

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You may not have bequeathed millions, you may not have bequeathed lands....But I am blessed, still..for millions are squandered in this vile world....and lands rendered useless in death...

It's name that endures, It's name that sustains...

You have left me a treasure in that!

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Talking about millions.....yes, all of them are gone....I may live adequately; not comfortably, though!

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"He" realises just that....and "He" also plans to exploit that.....

"He" would love me monetarily crippled......So that I have to choose between Pride and money.....and, he hopes I'd choose money over Pride...and move in to "His" place!

Foolish!
Foolish!

Helen would never seek Sparta.....She would have a Troy that falls!

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And anyways, "He" doesn't want to "HAVE" me....."He" wants to "POSSESS" me....just as "He" posseses the lands and the millions...

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But, what do I do?
Compromise with my standards, live in a chawl?

travel in second class???

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Oh mumma, had you left me the money, I would mourn eternally....I'd retire in your room, and seek no company...Only you, only me....and an island of memories...

I'd write my heart out and earn a living with that.....my writings my dreams not inhibited by the want of money...

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Between, my Xavier friends are angels on earth!
without them, the funeral wouldn't be so great...........

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This Morning:

The Holy Ganges was pregnant with overflowing waters!
It first rained the day after You were gone....and it didn't stop thereafter....

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I didn't wish to see the sun that would bestow its bronze and golds on me alone...In silent prayers, you made that happen...Last few days have only been a blanket of clouds!

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I looked into the glassy water and saw the emaciated sight of myself...It was not the face of a blessed child..

It was the face of an orphan....Yes, an orphan..."He" is NOT family....He never will be...I can look after him, but I can't possibly love him...

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Thus, I decided not to shave off my hairs....I can't let the mirror remind me of my miseries each day!

Bro offered himself for "Mundan"....It was a painful sight...And, painful is sometimes so light a word to convey the gloom!

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I had ensured already that nobody befriended us at the Ghat except the Purohit....After the rituals were over, I made sure bro washed himself and left with Panditji alone....

I needed to wash too, but I would do that solitarily...All myself...

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I approached the steps...and wrapped myself in the bathing robes...The ladies at the Ghat panicked...They must have prempted from my looks that it was my first dip in a river alone...

They offered help...The rural but kind ladies...A bevy of them soon surounded me and directed how I should place myself in the flooded waters...They really cared for my safety!

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Maa was looking at me....Alarmed, anxious and helpless at my stupidity...At one moment trying to stop me, and at the other, holding herself back as her sudden gestures might disbalance me...

"How foolish of you; why would you let others go? Why have you to do all this alone?" her dumfounded face suggested!

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I dipped and placed myself inside.....It was the touch of the Virging mother...The Ganga....whose divinity blesses us all, and salvages the departed souls!

True, the water was muddy...and logically unhygenic... But then they say, "Maano to maa, Naa maano to bahta paani."

I believe....Unquestionably!

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Having robed myself in white, I prayed for you, Maa...
You obviously watched, and were happy too... But, you were happier when I left the bank, and was safely in the fields again...

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There weren't bells there...But I heard them, yet...

There weren't lighthouses on distant towers...But the glow of that reached me, nevertheless!

And I heard you, too...Silence was your song, stillness your touch!!!!

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Tommorow is what they call "Shraddha."

But you would still be around....Of-course, heaven beams a cheerful welcome in all its gaiety...

But, just as you would be home after college, or speak to me over phone while I was away, we would be together yet..

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We already are.

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The AC is still on, and the Tv still chatters...

Because you really are there...And you always would be...

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Why Goddess?
Why?

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But thanks, yet...

Now I understand why I weren't placed....despite all the year's good work...You wanted me to be around....and have the warmth of her love....One last time....few last days!

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How do I live?
And for whom??

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I have to rush...The Shraddha has to be small yet grand!
Thats how you liked things..

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And yes, budget was not the word when I planned this all....I bought everything that was needed....and everything else that wasn't told, but which, you would love...

Like the floor spread...there were so many of them...but nothing that complented the curtains and the sofas both...

I bought one, therefore...And, its such beautiful!

XXX

Okay, I have to buy other stuff before the Puja begins tommorow...I'm leaving, maa..

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The AC is still on....the teapot, the sugar bowl and the milk-powder...they all lay scattered in the table beside your bed...and the TV...its still on, with an orchestra of sound streaming out of it...

It's music to my ears, peace to my eyes!

Why would I shout at you for making your room a mess?

I like it only that way, now.
It bestows on me the warmth of your undying love....your ethereal, all-pervading presence, I find it all around in the room...amid the clothes..amid the books...amid all the crowd I screamed at you for!

I'm going to treasure that all......all my life....and with all my love....

I love you...and I do miss you...because I never wish to stop missing you...And yes, there's pain in it too...

But, I'd rather take the pain, than stop missing you...