(April 7, 10:59pm)

So i have only 3400 left in my account...and the sadder truth is unlike Della in the Gift of the Magi, whose only concern was to buy Jim a present, i have to run the house..

okay, mumma has an FD of over one lac...but to no avail...i cant find it.. and i dont even know the policy num to get a duplicate issued... i have a good 6 digit LIC on my name, and which i can surrender at will too..but here again, "he" has the bond papers..and im sure he's not gonna return me that in this life time..

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Mr M says mumma's papers now need only two rounds of clearance..one from the university audit..and then govt audit...hmmm... im totally baffled now..i just dont feel like conjecturing, or think anything at all.. i have made all necessary household payments for the month, and i have 3400 to live on...

Thats all..

And i hope none of my anon followers are reading this..especially anon 99..anon polished..what will they think...they will most probably think im worthless...they will think im not worth a penny...it's such dehumanising...everybody weighs you on the weight of your trash...what if they too think im useless?

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I cant upset myself more by brooding about it...Maa said those who believe in Sarda Devi and her husband Pramhansa Ramakrishna, their needs are always taken care of..and i believe them in even these circumstances...however naive you may think i am..i dont care...i believe them means i believe them...period..

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Im wearing the Goddess's pendant these days..and its not like some inventive measure to safeguard myself again adversities..i had always wanted one..and between, yes it will surely safeguard me..

When i got the pendant ordered, i first told the goddess i'd wait till i get a gold chain..and only then wear it..the goddess likes gold...but later i thought how stupid..i can wear it with holy thread anyway...and then take a gold chain later...

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So what comes first? The money?? or the grim realisation that those 3400 are over too...

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Even mom's share of the land which he has usurped costs around 9 lacs..she had a third parts claim...but there's no way i can prove this..till only a fortnight before her departing, he was so pally..told me i could sell it whenever i liked, and took the third part home..

And now he even refuses to acknowledge mumma had any share..

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Anyway, i have the bounty of the gods to count on, and fall back on..and i also have the mercy of sarda devi to sustain me through..

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Rohan has left his laptop to me..i find it quite usable actualy..im sure if i had one, i'd had gone at least till middle of my novel by now..although i prefer a desktop..

but i guess i'll buy a lappy only..because i wouldnt have money to buy both...and i guess if i had to get one, id prefer laptop..because its portable..

Maa so many times offered me to buy one...i always refused.. im so unhandy with gadgets and gizmos after all..

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