(April 15, 2:18pm)

Rama Navami...on the 12th..and then New year on 14th..I shouldn't be celebrating either..thats how it goes..the priest wants me to abstain unless the rituals are over totally..which takes one planetory year to complete..

But, i feel mumma's presence so strongly, and all around me, that im tempted to indulge..so what if not in tangible form? In someway, in some sense the warmth remains..compelling in its force, and just as much enduring...

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So i chose something between celebrating and not-celebrating..like i watched the aarti on Durganavami..but refrained from taking it, from amongst the crowd..

Though i prayed for mumma..After a long time..I mean after a long time, to Goddess Durga..

since childhood i liked adhering to monotheist practises in polytheist faith..i'd worship this Goddess always..with all my heart, and soul, and with whatever energies possible from between man's mortal form..till i fell out with her...and found a new Goddess again..not so prominent in bengali faith..although important..

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Anyway..it was nice communing with her..on one to one basis..and after all these years...never thought i'd bond so effortlessly even now..but anyway..i cannot let the thought absorb me..

I have this another Goddess now..whose pendant i wear on my neck..i had never believed in displaying religion really..but i thought a pendant would be okay..it's clandestine after all..

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So i was writing sth about celebrating and not celebrating...like again on new year, i didnt order anything non-veg..or buy clothes..do i have money for that anyway>

I just got some vegetarian snacks home..and since it was seven months since mumma's passing away..i got the pooja decked up..and also her display pic, which is beside it..

Every month on the 14th, i get bunches of roses to do up that space..and rajinigandha garlands too..though this time i got marigolds..

Which tells me the crisis is neck deep..anyway..Mr M called up again..like he said he'll ring me once the audits are over..and that i didnt need to go hunting for that..

XZX

So when he told me how the audits were over, and the files now required a few signatures only...I feigned ignorance, and replied with practised surprise..

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Not that i like being fake..but what would he think otherwise..i have such hankering that i disregarded him totally..or that im totally broke..

I wouldnt want him think either of that..anyway, he's handled mumma's accounts for 20 years..so he knows that already...

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He doesnt want me keep fishing about at the uni offices..thats not how any of the senior professors do..and i being mumma's son, shouldnt do that way either..

Mr M has asked me to just wait..he'll sort out everything..he said since some of the money was about to come now, he could devote time for the other ones too..like the ** and other files..

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He also told me not to worry..though he's usually guarded while he's talking...and treats me just the way he treated mom..but may be yesterday he thought im just a boy after all..and must be brooding about my present and past, and may be contrasting them too..he's seen mumma sign 6 digit cheques for welfares, and now he's seeing me count my hundreds and my thousands..

So may be he felt sorry, and couldnt really stop himself from comforting me..anyway..he's doing a good job..and intelligently too..but i cannot write about what all intelligent things he has done..after all the stats say i have had 327 audience from even US!!

In the last 10 months..

But that totally baflles me...all i have in the US are mumma's colleagues and old pals..who wouldnt be following blogs at least..and who anyway do not know me by my school name..

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