(Sep 14, 22:37pm)

Luckily, Rohan left pretty early this morning.. so, there was enough time to get ready, clean the house, and do prayers for Mumma, who left for her heavenly abode five years back this day..

And while in office, in the evening, which are generally laid back on Mondays, I wrote some thing.. Do have a read, please..

XXX

Five years ago, when Mumma passed away on this day, in a morning overcast by clouds but with no hint of rain, there was something that benumbed me more than the obvious pain you can fathom in a moment like this.

It was the uncertainty.

Uncertainty of how death might impress, perhaps alter, my relationship with the person I loved the most.

Will her voice echo in my mind and remain distinct? Or, will it be lost? Like the chatter in a playground, which is replaced by silence when children are gone.

Will I be able to quickly and clearly recall her appearance and her face? Or, will they become hazy?

Will her lessons and her values stimulate me? Or, will they seem to me no longer important? Like the remnants of a dream, after you have woken up to a morning full of engagement.

For a long time, this uncertainty ruffled me and did not let me be happy. Till I realised, a relationship is beyond it. The sight, the touch, the voice may all disappear, but a relationship will not.

For, love alone adorns it. And since love is not temporal, it cannot be lessened by physical decay. It is also my belief that when God takes away your parents untimely, He bestows in you the power to connect to them spiritually.

On this day, as I remember my Mom, here's lots of love, prayers and best wishes for all those who have lost their parents young.

XXX

(Sep 13, 18:02pm)

Tomorrow, it will be five years since Mumma passed away...

Do the years matter? Five years ago, it did... as I was full of apprehension, the years might dull the memories...

Today, I know it didn't... and it never could.. probably, I knew it on that fateful day as well.. but fretted still..

XXX

I want to write.. so many thoughts are happening to me at the present moment... in such rapidity and with so much vigour...

I want to write all of that down.. But Rohan is here.. My attention is getting divided.. and while he is here, the mood too is not building up..

He will be tomorrow here too.. I had thought of spending Mumma's fifth death anniversary solitarily.. What do I do now?

XXX

(Sep 11, 11:32am)

Feeling much better today.. Didn't see the doctor but aunt prescribed some medicine, which worked..

Rohan is coming tonight.. at 11... Tomorrow I have production at office which means we cannot plan anything..

Sunday he has to meet his fiancee, whom he marries in Patna later this year.. Monday Rohan and I would go out to shop for his wedding dress...

Let's see.. I don't know but he happens to be one of those who, God knows why, think I have a great fashion sense.. and hence he insists I should pick the wedding costume..

I am not suggesting I am bad at it either.. I may be dandy, when I want to be... But I wouldn't say I am a fashion freak or something.. I don't want to be..

Mom used to tell me, fashion is so much about your own style than the dress... She would give me examples of some yesteryear princesses and other women of nobility, who made a name for fashion despite wearing just a few yards of chiffon..

Fashion happens when you invent something - the mix of colors, the fittings, the choice of embroidery, or the accessories, enhancing the beauty in you.. rather than pick up what has been labeled trendy..

XXX

(Sep 10, 10:28am)

Down with viral fever... how I wish I had not gone for work yesterday... it was just some mild temperature..but the office AC, which is insanely cold, aggravated my condition..

Let's see.. but I'm worried for two reasons.. Friday and Saturday are production days.. and I've to finish a story too..

Besides, Rohan, my childhood friend who now lives in Bangalore, is coming tomorrow to spend three days..

He's getting married, so he wants me to accompany him for shopping.. Don't know what to do..

XXX

(Sep 6, 13:26pm)

It's mumma's birthday today... Have woken up late, but plan to check out some good restaurant for lunch..

Big Chill in Saket or Amour in Hauz Khas village are in my mind, but I may just end up visiting Pebble Street in New Friends Colony.. I don't know..

The day used to be so full of celebration all these years... I am not saying, it is not any longer... As I just told you, I plan to spend it joyfully..

I will also buy some gift... say, some decoration, flowers, a lamp, or may be a table calendar... When I go Patna later this year, I would place that in Mumma's room..

If it is a vase or flowers, I will replace the ones that are currently adorning the place where her display pic is kept..

XXX

It's a Sunday.. The last time I celebrated Mumma's birthday too was a Sunday.. In 2009.. And it was the Goddess's arrangement that it was a Sunday..

I had been studying in Asian College of Journalism.. It was the first semester and we were divided into 12 groups who were taught by 12 professors by turn... So, every week, one group would get one professor for the core classes..

It was the Goddess's arrangement that first, mom's birthday fell on a Sunday that year, and second, the immediate weeks before her birthday and after it, my group was assigned to the Television stream professor and the Radio stream professor..

Since they were liberal, and the schedule of the weekly exams they took was flexible, I left for Patna on a Thursday after having written my test for the TV professor..

I didn't have money for flight as it was a surprise visit and I couldn't hence ask mom.. I reached Patna on Saturday, the 5th of September, by train..

What followed was marathon preparations for the D-Day as mom watched in pleasant surprise.. I bought new culinary set, new table cloth, ordered sweets, ordered a big, truffle cake, food from three different restaurants.. and cleaned up and decorated the house, too..

XXX

Sixth September that year was a grand celebration.. the perfect way as I would have wanted.. Monday night, that is 7th Sep, I left for Chennai. I resumed college on Wednesday, and without any hassle took the test for Radio stream, that was going on that week..

Had it been any other week, I would not be able to go.. Because other professors religiously scheduled their exams for Fridays, and I could not have missed them..

That's why I say it was the Goddess's arrangement..

That birthday was grand.. And as if in reflection of God's harmony, I and mom both wore shades of pink that evening.. Inadvertently! (see pic on top right)

XXX

I remember it started raining that evening on mom's birthday.. nevertheless, I did go out to collect the cake and food that had been ordered..

Only, because of the rains, I couldn't go out to buy a gift... I had been preoccupied because everything was being arranged in such short duration.. I had thought, I would buy the present at the last moment.. I was feeling tired too..

But love was a motivation.. and when you have a motivation such as love, you do not really bother how good or bad you are feeling physically..

Next day, I did go to the Archies shop and bought a pen set for Mumma.. And as I left for Chennai that evening, I wondered gleefully perhaps it was the last time I had to buy gift for Mom from her own money..

Next year, around this time, I would be working, and get her exquisite saris from my salary.. Not that mom had any dearth of exquisite things, but as a child you always want to buy the most precious things when you visit a store for your parent's birthday..

XXX

That day did not come..

On her next birthday in 2010, she was sinking.. and in any case, my joining in The Hindu newspaper was delayed, so even technically, had it been a normal day, I would have to buy gift from Mom's money yet another time..

She recovered for a few days and then left for her heavenly abode on 14 September.. I joined The Hindu, switched jobs.. I have risen to become a bureau correspondent and I am earning relatively good..

But I never was able to buy gift for Mom from my money, while she lived..

For a long time, this was a painful experience.. Before I realised, Mom was a woman who walked tall.. A strong woman, who never took anything from her husband to raise her kids.. Nothing from her siblings either...

It was not destined, that she would take anything from her children.. It was destined by the Almighty... And it was destined because it was how Mom would have liked!

XXX

(Sep 3, 17:01pm)

It's mom's birthday this Sunday.. What do I do? No plans yet, but it cannot really be a mundane day..

I cannot hope to wake up very early, as Saturday night is a production day and I'd be late to home.. But I plan to visit a good place for lunch.. and post it, I'd perhaps buy some gift..

It's close to five years, but I haven't stopped purchasing gifts for Mumma this day.. You always find a way out in situations like this..

So what she ain't there? I can buy new flowers to re-do the place where we keep her display pic in the living room.. or may be, a new table cloth for her study area..

Or probably, some decoration.. Her room, after all, has not been remotely altered ever since that dull September morning, eight days after her 2010 birthday, when she left for heavenly abode.....

XXX

(Sep 3, 16:56pm)

Okay, this was the longest interval my blog had seen in five years.. The viewer's stats too have fallen to an atrocious low of four or five visitors a day.. But that doesn't deter me to start writing again..

It was not the glamour of high-end blog stats that made me frequent the place.. I write because I feel an attachment to this creative space available online, and which has, over the years, become a personalised haven for me... 

The color of the blog, the background, the pics, the layout, they all give me a feel of a neighbourhood.. the readers add voice to this space, inching it closer to my heart..

I am hopeful people will start dropping in more frequently... Am I now contradicting myself? Is there really this allure to be get traffic?

No... but then, people popping in, too, has been an essential component of this place... It is natural to get used to, to things.. even when you do not exactly clamour for them..

XXX

Job is great.. laid back generally, but since I'm getting to do major political stories, it is exciting and fruitful too... Saturdays are bit exhausting.. I have to put my hands on production that day.. 

Colleagues are all nice, and we are into forming a bond already.. Though I really do not hang out with most people.. It's not an aura of mysticism or a pricey feel that I deliberately try to don..

I don't know.. I am warm to most people but not overtly friendly... May be because I was not too much surrounded with friends while I was growing up.. Mom didn't have the time to always take me to family friends..

In the neighbourhood, there were not too many children..

But in the past few weeks I had many friends visiting the national capital.. friends, whom I have known for over a decade or two, and with whom I share intimacy.. we had a great time.. 

XXX

The place I have got here is fab.. It's a corporate guest house... a luxurious, furnished room of 15 by 14... and there's good furniture, AC, fridge, LCD television, internet, laundry and room cleaning services...

It's also very close to the Noida City Centre metro station, which makes travelling convenient...

XXX