(Dec 31, 12:34am)

Last time I had a beautiful birthday in Kashmir..

My Kashmiri brother, his fiancee and one another friend came over for lunch, after which there was a conversation over coffee at CCD..

Kashmir university, the sprawling venue for the day, was carpeted with snow against the barren chinars...

We had clicked a lot of pictures!

My current DP on facebook, a thumbnail of which you can see on the right of this page, was clicked that day..

XXX

(Dec 31, 12:33am)

It's that time of the year, mumma would be on toes preparing for my birthday..

Which doesn't mean I am lost in reminiscences... and depressed... far from it.. For me memories have always been powerful tools to rekindle positive energies from the past..

Besides, death is immaterial to me when it comes to living a bond as strong as that between a parent and child..

God grants that special power to feel, and breathe every moment, the love of your dead parent.. particularly, when your parent died young..

XXX

I plan my own new year and birthday now... both fall on the same day, between...

S*****z aunty, neighbour and one of mom's trusted friend, had been asking me what was in my mind for my birthday...

I told her I would tell her in a day..

I don't know why, but I do not feel like celebrating this time... so, may be I would invite them over coffee.. in the evening.. and team it with some good snacks..

XXX

(Dec 30, 1:42am)

I have been always nostalgic about the year end... there had been so much activity always... first Jan happens to be my birthday..

And mom would be so busy doing the house.. inviting guests.. arranging for the feast..

XXX

When I was a young child.. in the 1990s... it was a different world..

In few ways, I really thought those were more exciting year end seasons.. first there weren't so many channels...

So whether it was the weekly Chitrahar, or the Sunday programmes or even a news round-up on DD, the excitement to watch them was so much more.. you just couldn't afford to miss them.. they were your only window to a nostalgic recapitulation of the year passing by..

Then, there weren't too many newspapers or magazines.. at least not in non-metroploitan cities.. you waited for the last Sunday copy of your family newspaper..

They would carry a very razzmatazzed pull-out rounding up the year.. If you were lucky, you could also get a big photo-up of your favourite filmstar,... especially, if that star's films had done well..

Those weren't the days of the internet,... and the stars weren't always on TV to do ads or other publicity appearances either..

Those glossy newspaper pictures meant a lot...

XXX 

(Dec 25, 7:47pm)

Some resolutions kill you..

I am usually very careless about money, and have finally decided I would watch myself..

And no, I am not making this a new year oath, but acting upon this silently as the year draws to a close.. I think that makes more sense.. Treading into the days of a new calender with modified habits..

XXX

Okay, so the first way I decided to check money is by refusing to buy essential winter garments which I normally do every year..

Not that you would need a new wollen pants and thermocot and caps and socks every winter.. but what happens is, I don't get them cleaned on time, and as the mercury dips, I unnecessarily buy a fresh one..

A couple of thousand rupees have never mattered to me in that big way.. but no longer..

Not because I am in a tight spot monetarily but because wastefulness must be avoided..

XXX

Even this year I avoided getting them readied till the last minute and now Patna is unbearably cold.. But I have washed all of them today and even if they take days to dry, I am prepared to battle the cold..

Come what may...

XXX

But it's really, really unbearable.. but then resolutions are no cakewalk either!

XXX

Wanted to go to the church this evening.. Convent is at a stone's throw, and they deck up their premises in a grand fashion..

But could not gather the courage.. it's a bad cold wave haunting outside..

XXX

(Dec 16, 10:33pm)

What has happened to this day? A gruesome gang rape in 2012 and now the Peshawar killings..

December 16 has been a beautiful day for me.. full of good memory.. reminding me of timely and happy reconciliation..

I have been celebrating this day quietly for a few years.. in different ways.. like in 2009, while I was at ACJ in Chennai, I went and had a sumptuous dinner at a Bengali restaurant called Annapurna..

In 2010, I was in Mangalore, and as if God willing it, it was my day off at The Hindu.. I had again had a good dinner outside..

In 2012, I was holidaying in Patna and went to Kapil's 11 late in the evening, in a rather foggy weather..

My handicam, my first one, was bought on this day in 2011.. while in 2007 I had appeared for the Snap test at St Michael's, to secure admission to Symbiosis, and thereafter went to the Patna book fair..

In 2008, while I was still in Patna and preparing for journalism entrance tests, I had gone for a Chinese dinner..

Though in 2013, I didn't do anything specific.. as I had just landed in Kashmir the day before, for a two month stay in the valley, and was at a friend's place..

XXX

(Dec 15, 11:35am)

It's been four days I am in Patna, and now about to start my work... I will be writing columns for a Kashmiri outlet, and doing some editing work for now...

Not very lucrative, but it will keep churning me enough money to pay my bills... and run the household..

I am taking my time in finding a new job opportunity... as I have some very urgent work to be done here...

I am not sure how much time this 'other work' would take to materialise.. but if it does, God willing, there will be lot more stability and peace..

XXX

If it materialises by Jan end, I can then hope to find and take up a job ooportunity from February...

I am in talks with one newpaper, besides another news agency.. but then I hope, they don't offer me anything before February..

If an offer comes up now, I will be in dilemma... how would I do the other 'important work' here in Patna, which too need some attention.. and is very detrimental..

XXX

R***n, my childhood friend and in many ways my best one, went away yesterday... he's getting married.. he had come from Bangalore to meet the prospective bride's parents who are settled in Patna..

He lands in Delhi today to meet the girl, and if all goes well, he's be tying the knot November next year..

It's a habit for both of us to seek counsel from one another in every single matter.. and he had brought a lot of pictures of the girl and wanted me to decide if she'd be okay..

We did a facebook analysis of the girl too..

Frankly, I was not overwhelmed with the girl but then she seems to be a suitable match for R.. The girl's parents live in Patna which is a plus point.. otherwise they'd have to hop to different cities for holidaying every alternate year..

She was a nice girl, not very beautiful, but good enough.. I told R that since he himself is good looking and fair, he could have got a more beautiful girl if he was ready to wait..

He told me his parents aren't and his grandfather, 96 now, is not very well and wants to see his wedding..

We both thought it was more important that the girl was a good human being and that her family was good too..

M*****a fits in well on those quarters.. and then she is presentable too... as I said good, if not excessively beautiful..

XXX

He was wanting to know when would I tie the knot.. I told him a bit later.. It's not a practice for journalists to marry before 33-34..

And I 'd really love to carve a good position for myself in the profession before getting hooked.. and then I have to write my novel, which would take time.. I don't do anything frivolously..

It has to be attempted with a good amount of neatness, planning, and with a lot of heart.. the novel would take time..

And then, before I decide to marry, I would of course need to have a house of my own... Even my Patna apartment is a rented one..

From this, I remember while I was in Kolkata last week, my uncle and aunt gave me a good and long session on how I am being very careless with my money and I am not planning anything..

They told me that I should book a flat immediately.. either in Patna or in Delhi..

Where do I get the booking amount, a nearly 20 percent of the purchase price, I asked them..

They told me I should ask dad for this, and if I am too shy, they were willing to talk on my behalf..

And uncle and aunt both said that onec the booking is done, i should take a loan for the remaining amount.. dispose off the Patna house, and instead of paying rent for the Patna house, use that money to pay EMIs for the loan..

XXX

I nodded but without much conviction.. seriously, i am really not sure what would be the best for me.. it's a battle between prudence and emotion..

This Patna apartment, located in the heart of the city besides the holy Ganges, and which has hosted my childhood and seen my mother bring me up for 11 years, and where I have lived intermittently for another four years after mumma's demise, is integral to me in every way..

What do I do?

I wish I had enough money to buy two houses, one in Delhi and also this one in Patna..

Uncle gets really upset and agitated when I communicate these thoughts..

XXX

(Dec 10, 8:46am)

After a long stay at Kolkata, where uncle and aunt hosted me and looked after me so very beautifully, I arrived in Patna today...

I left the news agency job sometime ago, and I am in talks for a new opportunity for myself.. I don't know how long this would take, but I am in no hurry..

A sit at home editing opportunity and writing columns for a Kashmiri weekly would ensure I would have the money coming...

I left the news agency job because after a point it did not excite me...

Yes, the Congress at the national levels and the ministry of external affairs were huge beats.. but not huge enough to trap into a job that offered little scope with features or experimentation with writing..

I refused another two offers at hand... first, because I thought I could find a more exciting opportunity if I waited a bit, and that is something I can afford with the kind of money I would be earning anyway from the Kashmiri weekly..

And second, it could be my first proper winter at home, here in Patna, after a long time... particularly after mom's demise in 2010..

XXX

In 2011-12, I was working in Delhi, in the 2012-13 things were rather depressing on all fronts, and last year, I was in Kashmir,,,,

May be this time, I could engage the winters writing my novel.. or at least writing down what I have conceptualised in my mind for so long...

And in any case, I would be reading a lot... Mirza Waheed's 'The Book of Gold Leaves' tops the list..

XXX

I am missing my uncle and aunt.. and my cousin.. we had had such lovely time... I am alone now, in my home in Patna..

But a home is home.. I feel so good when I am home.. I hope I have a good time..

But before I begin reading or writing, there is so much marketing to do, and then arranging the house too, which is difficult..

XXX

But one good thing is, R***n is here.. My childhood friend, and my best one for the last few years.. I guess we'd be meeting tomorrow.. I have to see his mom dad too...

We have been like family friends..

Then there are the bank works..

XXX