(Dec 30, 1:42am)

I have been always nostalgic about the year end... there had been so much activity always... first Jan happens to be my birthday..

And mom would be so busy doing the house.. inviting guests.. arranging for the feast..

XXX

When I was a young child.. in the 1990s... it was a different world..

In few ways, I really thought those were more exciting year end seasons.. first there weren't so many channels...

So whether it was the weekly Chitrahar, or the Sunday programmes or even a news round-up on DD, the excitement to watch them was so much more.. you just couldn't afford to miss them.. they were your only window to a nostalgic recapitulation of the year passing by..

Then, there weren't too many newspapers or magazines.. at least not in non-metroploitan cities.. you waited for the last Sunday copy of your family newspaper..

They would carry a very razzmatazzed pull-out rounding up the year.. If you were lucky, you could also get a big photo-up of your favourite filmstar,... especially, if that star's films had done well..

Those weren't the days of the internet,... and the stars weren't always on TV to do ads or other publicity appearances either..

Those glossy newspaper pictures meant a lot...

XXX 

(Dec 25, 7:47pm)

Some resolutions kill you..

I am usually very careless about money, and have finally decided I would watch myself..

And no, I am not making this a new year oath, but acting upon this silently as the year draws to a close.. I think that makes more sense.. Treading into the days of a new calender with modified habits..

XXX

Okay, so the first way I decided to check money is by refusing to buy essential winter garments which I normally do every year..

Not that you would need a new wollen pants and thermocot and caps and socks every winter.. but what happens is, I don't get them cleaned on time, and as the mercury dips, I unnecessarily buy a fresh one..

A couple of thousand rupees have never mattered to me in that big way.. but no longer..

Not because I am in a tight spot monetarily but because wastefulness must be avoided..

XXX

Even this year I avoided getting them readied till the last minute and now Patna is unbearably cold.. But I have washed all of them today and even if they take days to dry, I am prepared to battle the cold..

Come what may...

XXX

But it's really, really unbearable.. but then resolutions are no cakewalk either!

XXX

Wanted to go to the church this evening.. Convent is at a stone's throw, and they deck up their premises in a grand fashion..

But could not gather the courage.. it's a bad cold wave haunting outside..

XXX

(Dec 16, 10:33pm)

What has happened to this day? A gruesome gang rape in 2012 and now the Peshawar killings..

December 16 has been a beautiful day for me.. full of good memory.. reminding me of timely and happy reconciliation..

I have been celebrating this day quietly for a few years.. in different ways.. like in 2009, while I was at ACJ in Chennai, I went and had a sumptuous dinner at a Bengali restaurant called Annapurna..

In 2010, I was in Mangalore, and as if God willing it, it was my day off at The Hindu.. I had again had a good dinner outside..

In 2012, I was holidaying in Patna and went to Kapil's 11 late in the evening, in a rather foggy weather..

My handicam, my first one, was bought on this day in 2011.. while in 2007 I had appeared for the Snap test at St Michael's, to secure admission to Symbiosis, and thereafter went to the Patna book fair..

In 2008, while I was still in Patna and preparing for journalism entrance tests, I had gone for a Chinese dinner..

Though in 2013, I didn't do anything specific.. as I had just landed in Kashmir the day before, for a two month stay in the valley, and was at a friend's place..

XXX

(Dec 15, 11:35am)

It's been four days I am in Patna, and now about to start my work... I will be writing columns for a Kashmiri outlet, and doing some editing work for now...

Not very lucrative, but it will keep churning me enough money to pay my bills... and run the household..

I am taking my time in finding a new job opportunity... as I have some very urgent work to be done here...

I am not sure how much time this 'other work' would take to materialise.. but if it does, God willing, there will be lot more stability and peace..

XXX

If it materialises by Jan end, I can then hope to find and take up a job ooportunity from February...

I am in talks with one newpaper, besides another news agency.. but then I hope, they don't offer me anything before February..

If an offer comes up now, I will be in dilemma... how would I do the other 'important work' here in Patna, which too need some attention.. and is very detrimental..

XXX

R***n, my childhood friend and in many ways my best one, went away yesterday... he's getting married.. he had come from Bangalore to meet the prospective bride's parents who are settled in Patna..

He lands in Delhi today to meet the girl, and if all goes well, he's be tying the knot November next year..

It's a habit for both of us to seek counsel from one another in every single matter.. and he had brought a lot of pictures of the girl and wanted me to decide if she'd be okay..

We did a facebook analysis of the girl too..

Frankly, I was not overwhelmed with the girl but then she seems to be a suitable match for R.. The girl's parents live in Patna which is a plus point.. otherwise they'd have to hop to different cities for holidaying every alternate year..

She was a nice girl, not very beautiful, but good enough.. I told R that since he himself is good looking and fair, he could have got a more beautiful girl if he was ready to wait..

He told me his parents aren't and his grandfather, 96 now, is not very well and wants to see his wedding..

We both thought it was more important that the girl was a good human being and that her family was good too..

M*****a fits in well on those quarters.. and then she is presentable too... as I said good, if not excessively beautiful..

XXX

He was wanting to know when would I tie the knot.. I told him a bit later.. It's not a practice for journalists to marry before 33-34..

And I 'd really love to carve a good position for myself in the profession before getting hooked.. and then I have to write my novel, which would take time.. I don't do anything frivolously..

It has to be attempted with a good amount of neatness, planning, and with a lot of heart.. the novel would take time..

And then, before I decide to marry, I would of course need to have a house of my own... Even my Patna apartment is a rented one..

From this, I remember while I was in Kolkata last week, my uncle and aunt gave me a good and long session on how I am being very careless with my money and I am not planning anything..

They told me that I should book a flat immediately.. either in Patna or in Delhi..

Where do I get the booking amount, a nearly 20 percent of the purchase price, I asked them..

They told me I should ask dad for this, and if I am too shy, they were willing to talk on my behalf..

And uncle and aunt both said that onec the booking is done, i should take a loan for the remaining amount.. dispose off the Patna house, and instead of paying rent for the Patna house, use that money to pay EMIs for the loan..

XXX

I nodded but without much conviction.. seriously, i am really not sure what would be the best for me.. it's a battle between prudence and emotion..

This Patna apartment, located in the heart of the city besides the holy Ganges, and which has hosted my childhood and seen my mother bring me up for 11 years, and where I have lived intermittently for another four years after mumma's demise, is integral to me in every way..

What do I do?

I wish I had enough money to buy two houses, one in Delhi and also this one in Patna..

Uncle gets really upset and agitated when I communicate these thoughts..

XXX

(Dec 10, 8:46am)

After a long stay at Kolkata, where uncle and aunt hosted me and looked after me so very beautifully, I arrived in Patna today...

I left the news agency job sometime ago, and I am in talks for a new opportunity for myself.. I don't know how long this would take, but I am in no hurry..

A sit at home editing opportunity and writing columns for a Kashmiri weekly would ensure I would have the money coming...

I left the news agency job because after a point it did not excite me...

Yes, the Congress at the national levels and the ministry of external affairs were huge beats.. but not huge enough to trap into a job that offered little scope with features or experimentation with writing..

I refused another two offers at hand... first, because I thought I could find a more exciting opportunity if I waited a bit, and that is something I can afford with the kind of money I would be earning anyway from the Kashmiri weekly..

And second, it could be my first proper winter at home, here in Patna, after a long time... particularly after mom's demise in 2010..

XXX

In 2011-12, I was working in Delhi, in the 2012-13 things were rather depressing on all fronts, and last year, I was in Kashmir,,,,

May be this time, I could engage the winters writing my novel.. or at least writing down what I have conceptualised in my mind for so long...

And in any case, I would be reading a lot... Mirza Waheed's 'The Book of Gold Leaves' tops the list..

XXX

I am missing my uncle and aunt.. and my cousin.. we had had such lovely time... I am alone now, in my home in Patna..

But a home is home.. I feel so good when I am home.. I hope I have a good time..

But before I begin reading or writing, there is so much marketing to do, and then arranging the house too, which is difficult..

XXX

But one good thing is, R***n is here.. My childhood friend, and my best one for the last few years.. I guess we'd be meeting tomorrow.. I have to see his mom dad too...

We have been like family friends..

Then there are the bank works..

XXX

(Nov 23, 1:46am)

It's getting colder in Delhi...  and I'm not blogging at all... despite my promises to you.. even I'm wondering why I don't.......

A lot of people follow this blog, and sometimes also those who I wouldn't want to... But I had never been inhibited before.. why, now?

But then, I'm working... In Delhi, amid an ever expanding network of people and acquaintances and and other sources for my stories..

I meet so many people from all walks of life.. and then, sometimes, it reaches my ears, that X, Y or Z googled my name, came across this blog and read certain stuff...

Some people are more curious.. they actually scroll down and see posts as old as those written in 2010.. or 2011..

That bothers me.. I would want my official contacts to know me only officially... I open before very few people.. Not that I'm scared of my secrets getting let out to them.. I have none,,.

But then I'm instinctively a private person.. I don't like emoting to too many people...

XXX

Then there's more... Earlier there were times when I was depressed... and the old readers would know that a depressed mind impelled me to write more often...

These days I am in anxiety... and that's different from depression... It doesn't trigger my thoughts out over this blog..

It convolutes them...

You must be wondering why the anxiety..

XXX

It's getting late.. there are so many things to be done.. yes, I'm settled as a journalist in Delhi.. I'm doing good work, and the profile will only improve gradually, God willing..

But there are things on the personal front... I have a house in Patna,... It was getting difficult to afford it.. it's a rented one.. and a good one, in a posh locality, demanding a good money...

Now of-course things are better.. last year, some influential friends of my mom eked out a deal with dad.. that he would receive my mom's family pension, and give half of that to me..

I'm getting that money every month, with which I am maintaining the house there.. and the servants..

XXX

But what next?

What once he is dead... that pension would lapse.. I sound odd.. but that's what would give you a hint at what's going on in my mind...

He is old, 72... he can't live a hundred years.. and I can't part with that house.. it's my mom's memorabilia..

And I'm not earning so much that I can buy two houses.. the one in Patna and another in Delhi... in fact, given the state of real estates, nobody can possibly...

Then?

What after the status quo is over... I'm leaving in a posh house in Delhi which eats 45 per cent of my salary.. and I'm affording another in Patna with what I'm getting from my dad from the family pension..

What next?

Even if I start living in a PG in Delhi, and save a lot of money, I may be able to buy a small house here in the national capital..

But what about the house in Patna?

How would I maintain that once dad is gone?

My mom had so much money.. so much means.. and she squandered it all.. donated it all.. half the money gone in her extravagance.. and the rest in mindless philanthropy..

And see, where I'm landed..

XXX

My friends advise, not to think too much about the future... But somehow I keep getting distracted.. and that also means I cannot concentrate on my writing..

Leave the book, I am not able to write even posts for this blog...

What would happen to my novel?

I need a certain stability to write that... Yes, even now I have plans.. I always have plans.. so long as you have hope, and so long you have a composure, you can plan.. you can work..

And the Goddess.. She is still there.. I can't connect to her so often now.. but I have told her, that whether or not I am able to connect, I love her just as much.. and I believe in her..

She would help..

XXX

It's not too much time since I turn 30,.,, I need to start my book before that.. I have plots.. I have the characters.. who almost appear as human faces to me...  as I have for so long thought about them and felt their pain..

See, first of all I need a newspaper job.. a news agency does not allow me any time at all.. so getting a newspaper job should be the priority..

Second there was a land which my mom and dad had jointly purchased.. ethically, my dad should give half of it to me, as he has no right to keep what belongs to my mom.. even the law doesn't allow him..

Even half that land would mean, I can sell it and purchase the Patna house with the money that I get... That would solve all my worries..

But here too there is a complexity... my father had deceived my mother into giving him money to buy the land, saying it would be in joint ownership..

And after they split, it turned out he had bought it all in his name, despite taking half the money from mom!!!!

XXX

So long as mom was alive, he did not contradict that mom had contributed.. but after she passed away he is blatantly lying, and there's little I can do unless he has a change of heart by himself and does what ethic demands..

If I once again involve my mom's influential friends, things would sort out, but I have no time for that.. more importantly, I have no energy for that..

I don't want to get into such complexities.. I'm a very sensitive person.. with a writer's instincts.. that longs for seclusion.. that longs for tranquility..

XXX

And I can't beg... and why should I?

Why should I beg for what is my mom's and what is, under the law, now rightfully mine??

Sometimes I wonder, what made my mom marry him... he's avarice for money is extra-ordinary... he has so much money already.. he's earning handsomely even now.. he has no obligations, and yet an insatiable desire to have more money...

Would you believe if I tell you, he walks from home to college and from college to home, because he cant even part with a couple of ten rupees to the rickshaw pullers? That he doesn't install a geyser, or a hot air blower during harsh winters, as that would consume more electricity? And that he refuses to go to the doctor even when he is very ill, as the doctor would demand a fee? And that he stopped buying newspapers after HT increased its price by one rupee!!!!!

XXX

Anyway.. how does it matter to me... I don't need or want his money... There are many avaricious people like him... and I should steer clear of them..

But he should at least return what is mom's.. Mom in her lifetime never made an effort to get it back.. she never took any money from him for our upbringing either... she had no fascination for money..

I don't have fascination for money either.. although I would always want to live comfortably and happily, for which adequate money is needed..

Yes, like any honourable person, I can build that comfort for me here in Delhi with my own hard earned money,..

But thanks to mom, it's not one but two houses in two cities that I have to take care of.. and there's where the problem rests..

And no, pls don't advise me to wind up the Patna house... I cannot possibly kill my emotions for the more practical requirements, altogether..

XXX

Getting back to the point, before I start writing my novel... I have basically two things to attain.. I have to get a newspaper job, which would give me the leisure that writing demands..

And I have to convince my father, to return my mom's land to me, so that I can sell it off, and buy the Patna house..

That would give me a lot of peace.. and I could concentrate on my writing..

XXX

These days my relationship with my dad is much better.. he calls once in a week to find out about me.. and he is willing to help me in a lot of things...

He co sponsored my Cardiff trip last year, and when I shifted to Delhi, he asked his scholars to escort me during my travelling...

It almost seems he loves me.. But then, he's like Shylock.. he himself doesn't know, what is more important... his child or his money..

When Jessica ran away with Lorenzo, Shylock ran through the streets, crying out "My daughter, My ducats.. my ducats, My daughter...."

Shylock himself was not sure what was causing him the pain.. that his daughter eloped with a non-Jew boyfriend Lorenzo, or that she eloped with half his money..

I think that explains to you everything...

XXX

(Nov 12, 12:14am)

It's just a break, not going away.. I'll be blogging.. soon.. may be from tomorrow itself..

XXX