(April 15, 9:26am)

Happy Bengali New Year 1420!

And here's my resolution - I will try to become less impatient, but remain just as impersonal!

XXX

(April 10, 10:18am)

Ye lo.. I thought I'd be preparing full time for the IELTS from today.. and the maid doesn't turn up..

Now who's gonna wash the dishes, do the house, or cook food?

XXX

(April 9, 8:27pm)

Okay I did something very silly just now... but then, that will exactly help you understand the plight I am in...

XXX

Hmm.. so despite this court verdict, the university did not make any payment at all... I waited, and then I saw my lawyer who thought a contempt proceeding will only mean no payment till the next court order..

So, may be an internal pressure group could work, or as in my case, expedite the payment process..

XXX

Thanks to my ACJ friend in HT Bihar, who I had met through Nishat sir when he dropped in to my place on my b'de last year (he was in deprivation tour of Bihar that time), the Registrar was taken to task..

So much, that he in fact went begging, "Pls do not publish anything, I assure you we'll pay withinn three days"..

(PS: The ACJ friend as well as the HT Bureau Chief, who anyway recognised my mother once I mentioned her name, had threatened the Registrar and the Finance Officer of a first page critical story)..

XXX

So, that is it.. Have been invisible, as there would be no vitality, either in the body or in mind, having have to run pillars to post - for my mother's own hard earned money - despite the Court instructions!

XXX

Anyway, coming back to the funny thing... I have my IELTS exams on the 18th in Delhi.. and I haven't literally touched the books I bought to prepare for the test..

And, disheartened and apprehensive that I am, all I did was type "Is IELTS tough or easy" on Google.. and read the comments below...

Mostly by people who probably haven't even appeared for IELTS ever, but who, as though by some gift of superfluous wisdom, know right every thing about the test..

XXX

And then, accept the ones which said it is easy, and dismiss those commenters who though it was not..!!

XXX

By the way, I mentioned I am disheartened and apprehensive.. But I didn't say depressed.. You noticed?

The emerald really is working.. right there on my little finger, studded in gold!

XXX

Seriously, full time preparations from tomorrow..

XXX

(Mar 24, 4:02am)

Three-fiftyfive in the morning, and still one more bucket of clothes to wash... hand wash, as we don't have a washing machine.. phew..

Just spread out the just washed six bucket of clothes at the balcony railing.. one over the other, as space was limited..

Somehow I didn't want to use the other balcony facing the Holy Ganges.. Don't know, but little scared of opening that door, into the silhouetted figures of trees over those invisible vast stretches at night!

XXX

I have gone after mom... she would also do all her washing suddenly, unplanned, and all at one shift.. Her relatives teasingly called her "Mona's washing day".. mom's endearing name..

XXX

Actually due to this house renovation work, couldn't really had time to wash.. I give only the ordinary clothes to the washer man, who comes to our apartment every day.. Rest, I hand wash..

That's a family protocol for maintenance.. And we always dry the clothes at night, so as to avoid any sun burning of the fabrics..

XXX

Body paining like anything.. sleep stealing over... Good night!

XXX

(Mar 21, 10:11pm)

Sorry, again kept you waiting.. I really feel bad when I see audience flocking in to my blog everyday, and then slowly the numbers drop.. reflecting perhaps their disappointment at empty posts..

But what do I do?

I really can't work when the house is in a mess... with the renovation reaching it's climax, I don't even have place to sleep... the bed has just been refashioned... and the polish would take time to dry..

Same with the dining table.. I'm eating on floor.. oh, actually there's no space on the floor either.. I just take the plate in my hand.. and eat loitering, supervising the labourers intermittently..

XXX

By the way, the new cabinet which I have made specially for myself... and which I have placed in front of the bed, looks fab...

I'll put a new television set there.. so far's there are only two sets.. one in mom's room, with nobody to use.. And the other one in the living room, which doesn't give me that ambiance...

You know if you are wanting to catch an old Hollywood movie, or say some documentary on History Channel on the Roman world or something, you best watch it reclining in the bed room..

That's a different feel!

XXX

Will share the verdict with you.. too lazy to type... Remember, we have won the case against Bihar Government regarding mom's retirement dues?

Still to get the clearance though.. The Patna HC has fixed 31st of this month as the stipulated date.. After which there would be contempt proceedings against the university..

XXX

By the way, I wouldn't be around to enjoy the interiors of my house for long, though.. No, no, I am not dying... just that I will have to move ahead, to some other town, to begin my novel.. I would be working as reporter too..

Haven't sealed any deal yet, however..

XXX

And then hopefully in end of June, I would be resuming my higher studies.. this time, in abroad..

So, that is it... Got the passport... that was the biggest headache.. police clearance is awaited but... then I need to appear for the IELTS, and taht would take a lot of brushing up grammar and else..

Can't take chances..

XXX

But somewhere there, the renovation thing is eating up into everything else.. I seriously need to balance.. I think this would be over by 25th..

Then I get a well deserved couple of days off, for Holi... And after that, I will prepare for IELTS.. the other tests and interviews regarding my admission as well..

And of-course a hell lot of readings for my own novel.. And then I need to prepare myself for doing good human rights reporting in this other town I am wanting to visit for a couple of months before my course begins..

XXX

So that's quite a recapitulation.. hope that satisfies.. Please do not be upset if i fail to blog regularly... bear this till the end of the month..

By the way I really value all of you, for continuing to visit me and reading my posts... There's seldom been a drop in your attendance, even at times when I haven't been writing really.. And I thank all of you for that..

XXX

(Mar 14, 11:58pm)

By the way I went to my lawyer today.. to collect the verdict... I think I told you, we've won.. The verdict was unusually critical of the university..

The advocate told me, in post retirement cases verdicts are mild.. even when victimisation of one party is established..

But this one was in high handed language.. Good for us.. the university never cleared mom's dues in her lifetime..

XXX

But would that have mattered.. Mom, by the time she was 55, which is five years before she retired, was above it..

Her idea of happiness rested in 'peace within' which has seldom to do with money or the comforts it brings..

XXX

Will tell you more about the verdict tomorrow..
Hope the university actually clears our dues..

XXX

It was quite late while I was returning.. past 10... hmm, do not laugh.. It's a small city... shops are long closed  in Patna, by that time..

And transportation is minimal.. The lawyer lives in a far away locality.. In earlier times those places were uninhabited...

But now it has become the nucleus of the town, with the most posh enterprises and residences lining up... The outskirts have shifted by kilometres..

But our house still has its charm... It's in the heart of the town... may be no longer the nucleus, but still inviting..

XXX

It's posh as well as peaceful.. and you also have the river view, which is a luxury...I took an auto from the lawyer's place... It was dark and relatively colder than it is in the daytime..

Before that I stopped at a road side 'golgappa' wala for eating up... He was selling in front of a big, secluded duplex house... surrounded by a garden with wired, but not very long walls.. and lined up with trees..

Long coconut trees, silhouetted in the dark against a pale outline of the house... the lights having been put off.. People sleep early here..

XXX

On the other side of the road was a sprawling building... a residential apartment... again pale in the absence of lights... and silent in slumber..

XXX

The auto dropped me at the Patna Junction.. from where I continued on a cycle rickshaw to home.. He charged me Rs 30... rather reasonably...

When I was back to the heart of the city.. at the Gandhi Maidan roundabout... It was a joyous feel..

This sprawling circular grounds, where all the rallies as well as independence day and republic day festivities are marked, and Ravan dahan done every Dushehra, is surrounded by sky rise buildings, hospitals, colleges, and one school..

XXX

St Xavier's... my school... my one time world.. my temple, my sanctuary... No matter how old you grow, memories of childhood rekindle the child's enthusiasm in you.. at least momentarily..

Besides, those plain ideas and your share of naivety... when perhaps a couple of rupees extracted from parents for a canteen samosa would make you content..

XXX

Going to passport office tomorrow... have applied under the 'tatkal' scheme and need to report early.. which suggests, I better sleep now.. Goodnight!

XXX

(Mar 14, 11:55pm)

It was a long, tiring day, albeit a good one... I noticed I used 'good' for a day which marks two and a half years of mom's demise...

How things change!

But do not assume it is the usual change of 'getting over'.. In my case it's transformation.. perhaps a deeper understanding of existence, or togetherness, which need not always be immediate or at the material level..

It could emanate from intuition or profound remembrances.. not memories which are more like reminders of the fact that something is now lost..

Remembrances are more intense... more profound... and do not have to be looking back to the past.. they can create your present and fill it with blessings and warmth, and a feel of togetherness, and through it a new found happiness like it were when your dear ones were alive....

I do not regret of what had happened.. I do not need to.. mom is present in her blessings...

But I did all the prayers which I do every 14th, since September 2010.. I got the same tuberose garland, the other flowers.. did the usual prayers too..

XXX