(Sep 14, 3:34pm)

There must be something about 'hope' since it is never extinguished in the heart while you are alive..

But when it fails to exile, or at any rate make milder the grief therein, it becomes a worse torment than what it was called to battle..

XXX

Two years, 

since Mumma were gone!

XXX

(6:32pm)

Returned from the temple.. The Mahavir temple.. after offering prayers..

Had done all the daily prayers at home too.. for muma's peace.. besides, doing flowers on her DP, which I do every 14th..

XXX

(September 13, 5:00pm)

The gold and bronze covering wasn't there then.. over the barren sofa, in front of the prayer chamber, where Shahnaz Aunty lay seated..

With a bowl of sweet ordered from Shubhraj, which muma insisted she had... since Subhraj, and the sweet, both were her favourite..

XXX

Muma had responded well to the dripping all afternoon.. and could squat on the carpet, beside our neighbour, talking merrily.. She even prepared the tea herself, after I provided a kettle of warm water and other things..

13th of September (2010) it was, and I was finally happy to see her recover.. in fact I told Shahnaj Aunty, how I would be arranging the birthday party for her again, which had to be cancelled, following her illness suddenly that day..

XXX

She would have listened attentively, I am sure, and would add to the plans too, but it was time for Namaz.. and she rushed to her flat below..

The very next morning, she rushed again.. this time from her early morning classes at the college to back home.. more frantically and visibly disoriented... as she needed to see mumma one last time, and do her respects..

XXX 

(Sep 6, 10:29pm)

Mum's birthday went off quite well actually.. everything was perfect.. at least as perfect as planned.. the menu, the decos.. the pooja... the prayers.. everything..

Didn't invite any guest.. mum had been ascetic, especially in her last ten years.. though I had asked Shah**z autnty, our neighbour in the floor immediately below, to not cook dinner..

XXX

When I went to her with the food, she was so sweet as to take out a helping of the cake and feed me herself.. "Happy B'de to your Mom," she delightfully exclaimed..

XXX

I am really fatigued now.. my limbs, the legs particularly, are without any vigour.. and I am not feeling well from inside either..

Need rest.. But it's good to see so many sweet responses to my blog and facebook updates... about mum and this D-day..

Goodnight!

XXX

(Sep 6, 7:56pm)

Touch is lost,
But the feel has become warmer in distress..

Sight is dulled,
But memories rekindle a glory where no joy seems fleeting..

Sound is overpowered by chaos of this world,
But thoughts too brilliant, and too unremitting to imagine you've ever been away..

Happy Birthday, Muma..

(Sep 6, 5:22pm)

Back from Palson's.. the cake shop.. It's so yummy.. will upload the pic, once I cut it.. say at 7:30..

XXX

Why is it so depressing.. intermittent rains and a blanket of cloud.. The sun's nowhere to be seen.. I'm trying not to be sad..

XXX

Acha one thing, when will I fall in love.. I mean I am 25.. I am eligible.. I have my share of money..then?

Well, not in the next 5-6 years at least.. You see I have to write my novel.. and I want to study too.. and yes, there are many who can romance and remain devout student all at the same time.. But in my case, all important thing must get perfect attention, and hence should come one after the other..

XXX

And then.. if I fall in love, will I be able to perceive the love which is present in so many forms, in so many different people around us with their different ways and belief.. and their varied understanding of love?

XXX

I'd be too occupied with my own love to value any of it.. and that's what bothers me as a writer.. and anyway Im not too romantic or the chatty kind..

I guess the girl has to woo me, rather than I doing it on her.. Just crap it.. will upload the b'de pic.. you keep watching..

XXX

(Sep 6, 3:40pm)

Woke up in terrible illness.. though it was somewhat anticipated.. considering how I had worked yesterday..

The good part is most often in such situations, I can recover amazingly fastly by watching the body's requirements.. whether rest, or sleep, or abstaining from food.. and controlling the diet..

XXX

Undeterred, I went ahead with the plans.. the day begun with a simple breakfast of cheese-tomato sandwiches, my all time favourite sandwich, and tea..

After which, while the maid cooked pulao and chicken, and chhole.. and kheer, I took turns to deck up the house...

I changed the curtains, the cushion covers, laid the gold and bronze sofa spreads, the new table cloth.. and took out the old flowers from the vase and replaced with new bunches of rose..

XXX

I got the 'prasadam' delivered to my place, since I was not in position to travel.. I guess I told you yesterday, I had offered some pooja in mom's name.. at the Mahavir temple, near the junction..

Now had lunch and reclining.. will have to collect the cake in the evening, and get some snacks for dinner.. It's raining here..

XXX

(Sep 5, 9:11pm)

Returned from the market some one hour back... Got lots of sweets and other snack.. and now storing them in jars which I washed in the morning..

Don't think muma's absence has taught me these daily chores.. Every year on mom's b'de, I would be doing that.. since when I was very young..

XXX

On her b'de In 1993, mum, I remember, had in fact suddenly cut short her classes and rushed home panicking.. she thought I might just open the stove too, and try cooking for her..

XXX

In 2010 while I was arranging the snacks in the jars, exactly at this time, having returned from the market, she came out of her room and started tasting everything.. randomly.. hurriedly..

Much to my chagrin.. in fact I always advised her against this.. for me, everything has to be perfect..

So unless everything was arranged properly in the 'dubbas', you couldn't taste.. and you just cannot taste  like that.. you must have it properly served..

XXX

Who would have known, she'd fall ill just in few hours.. post midnight.. and in 9 days, she would be gone..

XXX

But why think of 2010.. let's think about 2009.. 5th sep.. I had arrived only in the morning.. from my college in Chennai.. 2000 km down south..

And the day was quite the same.. hectic.. arduous.. and without food..

But unlike today when I really didn't have anything to eat because the maid bunked, that time it was my reckless behaviour..

XXX

The next day, 6th Sep, was grand... we had a guest too.. an uninformed visitor, mom's batch mate's younger sister..

She agreed to have lunch with us, and on hearing about the D-day, gifted a metal fish to mom too.. which I guess, made her quite happy.. Presents, no matter how old you have grown, always make you happy..

XXX

Perhaps, it is human nature to feel elated at the show of affection.. age has no role to play here.. In fact as you grow older, you learn to value more..

XXX

Evening was wonderful too.. we had the cake.. plus select dishes from select restaurants.. one item from Rajasthan, the other from Kapil's 11..

I am usually careful at not just listing the menu, but also at deciding which one would be the best at what place..

XXX

Tomorrow I'd be doing that again.. I'll visit the temple to offer prayers.. and then get the cake and other things for dinner.. but that would be in the evening..

For lunch, I'll ask Bharati ji to prepare pulao and chicken.. and some raita.. plain one.. since dinner would be heavy..

XXX