(January 20, 3:11pm)

Palatable illusions can give you a lot of relief, but sadly only temporarily..and so my depression is getting the better of me again..

it's good to hope, and visualise things in your mind..the ones you want, the way you want..and believing this will be reflected in real life too..

But then thats just a delusion of the mind..and no matter how pally and comforting it is, you get to come out at some point..and when you do, an even darker world awaits you..

In one hour, ill get to know my fate..either i'll make it, or i wont make it..then? what next? how do i sustain this.....my existence!

XXX

(January 19, 5:44pm)

An exasperating silence, thats all...seems like its all over from the other side..

Lets see.
may be i was just hoping too much over spilt milk..

Thats human nature,
and hence Im still hopeful.

We all love to hope..no matter how false,
it at least gives us palatable illusion..

XXX

(January 18, 5:31pm)

I feel so sidelined..there hasnt been any response from their side..ya, the same people...with whom things almost run wayward..or who knows, may be totally..there's this strange silence..what's in their mind, how are they gonna react? Im totaly clueless..

XXX

I hope the Gods help out..even they seem to have forgotten me, particularly the Goddess..it's been ages since i spoke to her..i pray every morning without relent..but then, that's different..i havent been communing with the Goddess now..there was this time when she was the be all and end all..now i just offer her prayers, amongst other Gods..she doesnt talk to me anymore..and thats clearly perceptible..

XXX

(January 17, 1:34pm)

I didn't think I'd be able to write for the souvenir..My school, St Xavier's is hosting the Jesuit reunion this year...it's a proud moment...a school gets to host it only once in its existence...they are taking out a year book, and the princi thought i should represent mid-90s to the early 2000s..

I hope they like it..
and i just wish i am able to attend it too..

XXX

Apurva called me today, and so did Sid..they said they were missing me..I reciprocated the thought..it actually feels miserable...without both of them..they are such good childhood friends..

XXX

Im yet to get any mail..you remember yestertday something almost soured, and how i tried to restore things..im yet to hear anything...let's hope my efforts aint wasted..its really detrimental to the re-arrangement thing!!

XXX

Should i call up the tarot reader..she's a gifted psychic..will she be help? Im not able to decide..

XXX

I dreamed about an ACJian friend of mine..last night...i was surprised, as i hadnt even been thinking of ACJ for long time..except Nishat sir, who had come to my place..anyway, he was the first term friend, who i havent spoken to since November 1..i saw we were in a station..perhaps some other ACJians were too..and not one of them greeted me..not him either..it felt weird..it felt sad..

XXX

(January 16, 10:50pm)

I hope whatever i've done to keep bad news at bay, just works out...I'll pray again once i reach home...im sure the Gods will be there to help me..they will surely do something!

XXX

(January 16, 7:42pm)

Something very bad was just about to happen? I got the inkling through a mail..i just hope i can manage it somehow..otherwise this whole "re-arrangement" plan would go wayward...

I quickly mailed back and tried to avert things from turning futile..and I hope it works..i even sneaked from work into the godown and offered some quick prayers..

Pls Gods, pls...manage it...manage it..
just dont let this be waste, pls..

XXX

(January 16, 5:41pm)

We had to terminate Bharatiji's services...Couldn't help it...I dont think we can afford more helps at this time...

She was unwilling to go...I guess she found the work less cumbersome, and the compensation better than in most places..rather obvious reactions from somebody who survives on 2k a month, and with four toddlers to look after..I wish the Gods allowed me to be kinder...

XXX

It's S's b'de today...every year we would have volumes of talking over the sms..so many old memories awoke this day..

I wished her from my flight..it was nothing flattering or extraordinary..other days, id prepare in advance, doing and redoing the Best Wishes lines..not any longer..

The camaraderie is very much there, but not the time or mood i think...it's the same on the other side...only that the situations are different, the worries are stranger!

XXX

It's my Mousis (mother's sis) b'de too...the youngest one..she's now the only of the four sisters to survive..I have some incredibly bright memories of us celebrating the day..before grannie died and uncle could have his way..

XXX

Mousi, unmarried and alone, couldnt help oblige his caprice..it's been five years since we talked...Last time, around 2007 i guess, when she saw me on the road, she sent her driver after me..but, before he could come, I got into an auto and left..

I mean, i feel either you be devoted in your concerns, or just dont pretend to be concerned at all..i know i shouldn't call that pretence, and most likely it is not..but, subdued concern and no concern, where's the difference..if you arent whole-hearted, you just arent there..

XXX

That's a big reason i lose out on so many of my "good friends"..when i feel im no longer the attraction, i just walk out..its painful..very much to be true..and i guess attraction may not be the best word here..actually, im not able to explain..

I think im too loyal in my concerns..with friends, with relationships..there just cannot be being casuals there..but then, only few reciprocate..

XXX