(December 14th, 6:50 pm)

Between,
it's three months today!

(December 14th, 5 pm)

Im suffering from depression again....acute one...I don't feel like turning up for work....or do the things i like to do...

Actually, i want to do things i like doing...but can't find a way out....from this job, which is mostly humdrum...

but, i have to live somehow...and survive....because that is what religion tells you to do....it tells you life is beautiful...use it...actually, utilise it...it reassures the Gods are everwhere there...wanting to guide you...wanting to help you...

XXX

If i were marxist, id denounce that...id have the liberty to say, "ALL CRAP" when i dint feel them...or when i felt them, but didn't see them responding!

But im no marxist...so i guess id believe in the gods....mom doesnt like marxists...though she admires marx...

XXX

Sometimes i feel, i shud love evrything that mom loves...that would testify my love for her..but except the Congress, of-course....cant love the Congress for even mumma's sake...

XXX

Anyway, i was talking about life...i have to live, because religion tells me so..dying is sin...dying is coward...the wise reciprocate the thought..

So i come to office...and i live...Ocassionally i look at the gods and ask them to rearrange it all....but sorry...can't elaborate here more...its kinda private...though, i guess nobody reads my blog these days...the punch is missing...the punch which once lured a whole army of acjians into reading it....among them anon 99, anon defender, anon polished.

XXX

Anyway they are all living happily in there own worlds...and i wish them all the very best...without knowing them actually...

but how does it matter, anyway...i have to live...i have to come to office...and i have to earn and feed myself too..

May be i'll just leave this place..and move somewhere more meaningful..

XXX

(December 10, 5:15pm)

Mr M, mom's faithful aide in the university, rings up the other day...and says the suit we had filed in the HC, had reached them already....the uni has been asked to reply in six weeks..

XXX

He was happy the LE petition had come to him...and he also promised- unsolicited- of drafting such replies that would help release it early..

And though the gratuity suit wasn't likely to come to him, he said, he'd influence ppl to step up things there....

XXX

He always helped mumma....who, in return, would bless him in kind or otherwise...but there was more to just business there...

If it were business alone, he'd not have bothered any longer...now that mumma's "gone."

XXX

But he does.
So many others do.

The MMC ex-princi, who's mostly known as snob, does too.
Even the grocer.

XXX

Such's been mumma...surrounded always with doting friends....she made friends easily...ppl wanted to company her, and support her....and learn from her...they admired her for her art, for her erudition...for grace, for courage, for endurance.....for everything!

unlike me, who doesn't have too many friends really.
who can't make friends too easily either.

And, who, though he can write well and make his mark, lacks those subtleties....at least that erudition...and that knowledge and appreciation of arts that separate the classy from mundane..yes, i have her genes, and hence have inherited some of it surely....but that's not really cultivated i guess..

XXX

Will I ever be her?

Loved.
Admired
Sought-after.

XXX

(December 9, 1 pm)

I had been wondering all along how do I not dream her anymore. Or is it that i do, and then forget?

I realise, I forget.

XXX

When I am awakened from my erratic sleep night before yesterday, I recall I had just dreamed about her....she was there...bestowing love...beaming her affection...perhaps caressing me in my sleep....like she would do when we weren't talking to each other...

XXX

like some zephyr of love clasping me fondly...and gently...as if I were a baby....and this indulgence encouraging me to banter....before the day broke and everything else, including the stars and the moon, were undone!

XXX

This time I remembered it, though..
thanks to the troubled sleep which hadn't benumbed my senses.

XXX

Does this happen every night?

XXX

There are at least four occasions that I remember. The first one was few days after September 14th.. And the second one, which was twice more distinct and twice more pleasant, was perhaps a few days later..

The third happened sometime around Durga Puja i guess...she had taken me for a day out this time... And it can't be mere strolling into the past... For, I remember telling her how the waters didn't scare me anymore.... around the Gangetic plains, where we walked along leisurely..."Since I had the bath there....on Ghat Krama," I told her when she asked me since when.

The fourth was on the quiet Diwali night...she greeted me...and blessed me...and took out the gifts she had brought for me..

XXX

Last deepawali I was away from home...At ACJ... She had called me up and suggested I go out with friends...did I have any?

She told me she'd credit a 500 in my account.. Which, of-course, was meagre to the many thousands that were there already...

she had sensed I wasn't all that brimming with excitement....like I would when I was younger...counting the days for that 50 rs...which grandmum gave us on Dushehra.

She thought I had "grown-up"....like my brother and my cousin had grown up...

XXX

And since grown-ups do not have piggy-banks to fill, trifles do not excite them really..

XXX

For me, it does.
It seriously does.

XXX

Sunday: December 5, 1:30pm

I had come to write the Asian games story....in this cafe....about the Udupi girl who did her country proud....despite the hurdles, that life often imposes when one dares to dream, and wishes to realise them too!

Im hardly writing, though...The story is scheduled for the national page..If i dont give it today, i forfiet the chance...and im out of their reckoning too..

XXX

But, the music is too good.....and it harmonises with my present mood...where i date my mom...and myself..

A polish zono mojo!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRgXr7lWSww

The music goads my soul. Into frolic. Into smiles.
It makes me playful.

I don't follow the words...but that tells me, language is merely the tool....the feel is important....and that no boundaries confine...Love gowns itself differently...but the same flame burns in it all!

XXX

the music is pregnant with life....i dont like the gloomy ones...i dont need them either...for, im not seeking oblivion in it...I dont recall the memories...i live them...Ecstaticly!

XXX

I stretch my hands wide, and let the wind caress my face....under the trees...mammoth trees, made denser with leaves...green ones...which remind me of everything that is gay, and young, and ready to frolic with itself....and a carpet of yellow, dead ones too....on the ground, where sun beams kiss it and parleys with it!

But soon my time would be up. I'll have to abruptly come out and sit in that office and work...away from my world...the delectable world of the child who has grown up, but who hasn't stopped his musings!

XXX

I talked to this ACJ girl yesterday...
The one I've known since the interview day.

It was nice experience....Late in the night....I could hear dogs barking around her house, perhaps troubled by the cold.

XXX

She's been sweet.
Although, I need to chop some ACJ memories to infer that.

I'd better chop them though, as I really like her voice.
There's inocence in it.

XXX

I like innocence.
I myself have been innocent.

XXX

How do you qualify to be innocent?

I see commonplace man defining that as how late one gets to learn about "it."..."It" which is a code word for procreation...and the "things" preceding it.

XXX

If we bought this weird parameter, I beleive I still qualify as innocent! As I learnt "it" only at 14.

That was the time, my mom was persuading my uncle to speak about "it."...She was modern... Champion of "it" education at home...Though, not at school.

She believed teachers are not sensitive enough. The present lot...The "it" education, she was worried, would end up being just "it" thing...If not imparted at home!

XXX

Talking bout innocence, I dont always have defensive mechanism to guard myself against...The old-gen would give me 9 on 10, happily...

That's their parameter of inocence.
If you are the victim, you are pious...

that was okay....but strangely, and much to the innocent's peril, they would actually want the innocent to suffer...They want to see him slog...while they get to shed tears!

XXX

There's keen fascination for this..We want the good to always endure...we think if the good is merry, the good becomes mundane...he loses appeal..

So we want him banished, we want him betrayed...That enhances the impact. That enhances his chances to qualify as good. We want a Tyrant to malign him, injure him..while we cry for and champion the good...

So basically we love to hate the Tyrant. And in order to hate, we must find him a subject on whom the wrongs could be done.

The subject is then described as "Good."
aka "Innocent."

XXX

Between, what's my parameter though?

XXX

I guess I'd borrow mom's.
Live happily and be sunshine to others.

It will show.
The innocence.

XXX

I first left "it" for the Gods to bless.
And then mailed "it."

XXX

It will work.
It will bring in the desired luck.

XXX

Because...

XXX

Well, I cant really reason....
I don't need to either.

XXX