The Shraddha Ceremony was both serene and grandiose....just the way you would have loved....the prayers were heartfelt; the hymns chanted with irrefutable faith, and the holy vibrations in the cosmos seemed to spread divinity all around!

And all of that enough to give you abounding peace....I Suppose.

XXX

You loved flowers...And so I ensured there were gardens of them....around your Picture, around the room!

XXX

A pleasant crowd of people had gathered to pay you homage....Those who you loved, and also those, who loved you....They talked about your subtle grace....and the exemplary courage with which you braved the torments of life!

XXX

It was a rare moment to see both the present principal and an 80 year old former principal pay you respects!

"Whoever had the privilege of knowing her, felt blessed for she was truly noble": Reads the letter that MMC princi presented in your honour..

And that bespeaks the Lady-like aplomb with which you graced your life; I must be blessed to be borne to you!

XXX

You may not have bequeathed millions, you may not have bequeathed lands....But I am blessed, still..for millions are squandered in this vile world....and lands rendered useless in death...

It's name that endures, It's name that sustains...

You have left me a treasure in that!

XXX

Talking about millions.....yes, all of them are gone....I may live adequately; not comfortably, though!

XXX

"He" realises just that....and "He" also plans to exploit that.....

"He" would love me monetarily crippled......So that I have to choose between Pride and money.....and, he hopes I'd choose money over Pride...and move in to "His" place!

Foolish!
Foolish!

Helen would never seek Sparta.....She would have a Troy that falls!

XXX

And anyways, "He" doesn't want to "HAVE" me....."He" wants to "POSSESS" me....just as "He" posseses the lands and the millions...

XXX

But, what do I do?
Compromise with my standards, live in a chawl?

travel in second class???

XXX

Oh mumma, had you left me the money, I would mourn eternally....I'd retire in your room, and seek no company...Only you, only me....and an island of memories...

I'd write my heart out and earn a living with that.....my writings my dreams not inhibited by the want of money...

XXX

Between, my Xavier friends are angels on earth!
without them, the funeral wouldn't be so great...........

XXX

This Morning:

The Holy Ganges was pregnant with overflowing waters!
It first rained the day after You were gone....and it didn't stop thereafter....

XXX

I didn't wish to see the sun that would bestow its bronze and golds on me alone...In silent prayers, you made that happen...Last few days have only been a blanket of clouds!

xxx

I looked into the glassy water and saw the emaciated sight of myself...It was not the face of a blessed child..

It was the face of an orphan....Yes, an orphan..."He" is NOT family....He never will be...I can look after him, but I can't possibly love him...

XXX

Thus, I decided not to shave off my hairs....I can't let the mirror remind me of my miseries each day!

Bro offered himself for "Mundan"....It was a painful sight...And, painful is sometimes so light a word to convey the gloom!

XXX

I had ensured already that nobody befriended us at the Ghat except the Purohit....After the rituals were over, I made sure bro washed himself and left with Panditji alone....

I needed to wash too, but I would do that solitarily...All myself...

XXX

I approached the steps...and wrapped myself in the bathing robes...The ladies at the Ghat panicked...They must have prempted from my looks that it was my first dip in a river alone...

They offered help...The rural but kind ladies...A bevy of them soon surounded me and directed how I should place myself in the flooded waters...They really cared for my safety!

XXX

Maa was looking at me....Alarmed, anxious and helpless at my stupidity...At one moment trying to stop me, and at the other, holding herself back as her sudden gestures might disbalance me...

"How foolish of you; why would you let others go? Why have you to do all this alone?" her dumfounded face suggested!

XXX

I dipped and placed myself inside.....It was the touch of the Virging mother...The Ganga....whose divinity blesses us all, and salvages the departed souls!

True, the water was muddy...and logically unhygenic... But then they say, "Maano to maa, Naa maano to bahta paani."

I believe....Unquestionably!

XXX

Having robed myself in white, I prayed for you, Maa...
You obviously watched, and were happy too... But, you were happier when I left the bank, and was safely in the fields again...

XXX

There weren't bells there...But I heard them, yet...

There weren't lighthouses on distant towers...But the glow of that reached me, nevertheless!

And I heard you, too...Silence was your song, stillness your touch!!!!

XXX

Tommorow is what they call "Shraddha."

But you would still be around....Of-course, heaven beams a cheerful welcome in all its gaiety...

But, just as you would be home after college, or speak to me over phone while I was away, we would be together yet..

XXX

We already are.

XXX

The AC is still on, and the Tv still chatters...

Because you really are there...And you always would be...

XXX

Why Goddess?
Why?

XXX

But thanks, yet...

Now I understand why I weren't placed....despite all the year's good work...You wanted me to be around....and have the warmth of her love....One last time....few last days!

XXX

How do I live?
And for whom??

XXX

I have to rush...The Shraddha has to be small yet grand!
Thats how you liked things..

XXX

And yes, budget was not the word when I planned this all....I bought everything that was needed....and everything else that wasn't told, but which, you would love...

Like the floor spread...there were so many of them...but nothing that complented the curtains and the sofas both...

I bought one, therefore...And, its such beautiful!

XXX

Okay, I have to buy other stuff before the Puja begins tommorow...I'm leaving, maa..

XXX

The AC is still on....the teapot, the sugar bowl and the milk-powder...they all lay scattered in the table beside your bed...and the TV...its still on, with an orchestra of sound streaming out of it...

It's music to my ears, peace to my eyes!

Why would I shout at you for making your room a mess?

I like it only that way, now.
It bestows on me the warmth of your undying love....your ethereal, all-pervading presence, I find it all around in the room...amid the clothes..amid the books...amid all the crowd I screamed at you for!

I'm going to treasure that all......all my life....and with all my love....

I love you...and I do miss you...because I never wish to stop missing you...And yes, there's pain in it too...

But, I'd rather take the pain, than stop missing you...

Maa, I can't accept this truth. And, I will not either. I know this will hinder this grief, this poignance to abolish..

But, I don't want that abolished.. I don't want this grief to pass away.. I want to suffer...And, I want to be shattered and abolished myself, rather than overcome..

I can't imagine a life without you...The Tv in your room....the variety of handloom and other stuff, that you never needed, but which you bought neverthless....so that the petty hawkers would have their articles sold...the purses and the handbags... and the countless pairs of shoes...some of them even plastic ones, inexpensive ones...which you would buy again for reasons of philanthropy... the AC, that you used in the cool mode- despite my fuming and shouting at you...the teapot, the sugar bowl...the flask...that you kept beside the bed and made tea, watching the soaps...the assemblage of your clothes and saris and the cotton and khadi cut-pieces, with which you crowded your room and made it unkempt....me again fuming and shouting... I WANT ONLY THAT....AND ALL OF THAT..

Why maa...why?
Why so early??

Why?

And, why alone maa?
Why only you??

I can't live in this world wide and unknown...I can't...I am still four at heart, or may be still younger...How do I live, maa?

HOW?

But I know you are in heaven..With Gods and angels...No doubts, whatsoever...Be with me, always..But, I can't accept still!

Never thought that Mumma's b'de could be such disaster.....

Before the lurid sun could rise from the horizons, and spell rainbow of blessings on her, mom fell ill.... Seriously ill...and in the dead of the night...

She wasn't even able to move her fingers or call me for help...Thankfully, I woke up, though...

XXX

But, what would I do?
Get her hospitalised?

Mum would get near fatal reactions on taking allopathy, even when she were young and sturdier..At this age, she would not survive it at all...So, only I know how I managed things!

XXX

The decos, the cake, the dress- everything was a waste!

Even the menu, that I had finalised with such precision, recalling and deciding on cookings she would love, had to be cancelled...The sweets that had come already, are rotting in the kitchen!

XXX

But, so what?

It was still special in some way...It was perhaps her first B'de when I went to the Mandir and prayed for her health and happiness...and long life!

I even did "Pradikshina" seven times around the statue of Hanumanji- whom mumma worships with unfaltering faith- and chanted HIS "chalisa" thrice...

xxx

All that worked...
Mumma is miraculously cured!

And, I'm planning a family dinner again...perhaps on Sunday night..

XXX

Three days and I'm off for work...It's nostalgic..

XXX

Talking about nostalgia, I payed my teachers a visit at St Xavier's...

And Goodness,
I'm still the apple of Ms S's eyes- Miss Roy, the de facto princi at our times...

Not to forget Miss T- the super gorgeous and accomplished teacher- she remains just as affectionate....and just as stunning!

Even Hindi Miss, who joined when we were in 8th, still dotes on me like a mother....I was overwhelmed at their outpour of love and affection... the profuse outpour of love and affection!

I take all of that to Mngalore!!

XXX

Anon 99 says she/he would not write to me any more...
I'm shattered... what was my fault?

I was only trying to make sure who this well-wisher is....Okay, I might have been too sceptical in the process, but tell me.... Honestly tell me...who's to blame?

If some (could be) good friend of mine chooses to remain anonymous, don't i have the right to investigate....and find out...and respond to the good wishes??

XXX

Budget is not the word that chances upon to influence my mum...Never at all!

At a time when professors haven't been paid for months, and are being economical, mumma dumbfounds me again with her shopping spree..

She needed a suit for her bday, which is on the 6th...we had decided on buying something simple...an evening wear, suited for family occasion....but she eventually picked something so elaborate and expensive, it seemed as though I were getting married, and she was under some unbridled urge to look the most stunning mum around!

Okay, the suit was really too good...anybody would dote on that.. But how could she shell out so much?

And buy three more, when only one was needed? And buy also the sandals...the purse...the photo frame...even flowers...and a Ganesha statue too?

And couple that with what?
A crystal paper weight that she is never gonna use!

But...amid it all, there was fun... After such long time, we got to shop together..and eat out together.. And spend time....talking sweet nothings, while stranded in traffic..

Those sweet nothings fade in the corridors of time...Eventually...But before they fade, they certainly make the power of attachment go stronger!

So Anonymous 99, if you are indeed "Her" how come you always write to me in the day time, and on weekdays?

My investigation tells me, your working hours are 9 to 7, and you have your off-s on Saturdays!

how do you explain the contradictions, then??

XXX

More importantly, that Anon 99 comment- the very first one- had such words as "Grow strong", "Don't mourn", and "Pretended disdain for others" that somebody else had used for me earlier...Is this mere co-incidence?

XXX

Mom's b'de is just a couple of days away....preparations go on in swing...But, still I feel I'm only as agile in the business as our Commonwealth legions are!

I haven't ordered the cake yet....nor sweets, nor her dress... And my menu, too, is not nearly complete...

XXX

I'm going to live these ten days exuberantly... Doing all the things that I once liked to do...

reading Grimm brothers and those Gulmohar texts... that would take me on joyrides into the past...a happy past wherein I was a child, listening to these stories retold...and all of that so pleasant, and abounding in memories!

I'd be reading Nandan, too....that children's monthly...its "happily ever after" stories and its colourful "Chitrakathas" are monuments to my heart!

XXX

And I'd be stealing into the kitchen, and eating the wrong snacks at the wrong time....without any thoughts on how this might impact my health...

I want to be once more uninhibited...once more uncalculated... like the heedless child that doesn't look before he leaps!

XXX

A Child- that's what I'm going to be the next ten days...
A carefree child, a happy child!