(Sep 12, 10:14pm)

Ever since I had the emerald, my depressions are gone.. but I gradually realise it's done a great disservice to the blog.. I write seldom now..

Earlier I was spontaneous.. Gloom lends vigour to your writing.. it rolls in.. I think gloom does that to every other form of art..

XXX

But the laptop too is a reason... Since Jan, it's been dis-functioning half the time... and somehow that keeps me away from writing...

I do things well, when there is a flow.. a unision...

XXX

And now, strange as it may seem, I can't access the "new post" segment of my blog from university desktops.. the cursor doesn't appear when I try opening the writing segment... sad!

And after I have returned to my hostel, I am too tired to write at all..

XXX

I did a lot of shopping today... more about that tomorrow..

By the way, do you remember I have something so integral and important to tell you.. I was supposed to tell this in Jan end, but it kept delaying..

And then, in May, something even more life-changing happened... I should say life-rescuing.. 2013 has been a changing year.. luckily it is changing everything that was bad, after mama's demise..

And yes, I dreamed of mumma on 10th night...

It was something that happened after a long, long time... Or may be I have been dreaming of her only too feebly consciously, which is why I do not recollect the dreams when I wake up..

XXX

This too was in feeble consciousness, but somehow, realising that this too would be lost, I forced myself from slumber somehow, and kept recollecting and recapitulating the experience..

Even then, it;s growing more and more vague.. that moment, I remembered everything.. Now I only make myself to recall, we were seated in the dining hall.. and it must be after-supper, as we had prepared to sleep already..

In night attires... perhaps a day's break-up kind of interaction before we bade each other good night.. something we used to do always, when I was a child..

And then, things soured.. her recklessness with money beleaguered the future.. and without grandma around, I was the only one left and obliged, to convince her...

XXX

I was young and hence, immature, too impatient for the role.. I ended up countering her..

And that soured most of the things.. yes, relationships do not sour... but how we behave and relate to within a relationship surely does.. and that's a lot of change..

XXX

I will surely tell you about the January thing, and by interest, the May thing too... But first let me deal the rigours of the course...

Good night!

XXX

(Sep 4, 9:20 am)

Can there be any reasonable conclusion for my dissertation.. It requires a tracing of merits of the Brotherhood and Egypt's military..

Whether the coup advanced towards democratic transition or regressed it, and the question seems to flummox me more, the more I read or research...

Brotherhood was democratically elected.. But can electing a bunch of radicals, with no real regard for pluralism or respect for minorities, and as many reasonably suspect, with hidden agenda of establishing a caliphate in the long run, can really be democratic?

But then, overthrowing an elected regime is no good either, more abhorable when this is done by a body of army men with dismal record of power grab!

Who to support, who to abhor? Pity that Egyptians are tossed between devil and the deep sea!

XXX

(Sep 2, 7:53pm)

I am liking Cardiff... But the dissertation is taxing.. Hardly get anytime for myself... I wish I had more time to do the dissertation...

I would then be roaming around in the hills here... it's an uneven terrain.. from any one point, you can have easy view of the mountains all around..

And some sprawling parks.. filled with trees and flowers of very different variety that I have generally grown up seeing in India..

This is exactly the place I would love spending time writing.. I wouldn't have to think.. I wouldn't have to create the sync of words..

Everything would be spontaneous.. self-arriving... Oh, how I miss Wordsworth poems.. Lines written in early spring, being one of my most memorable ones...

Nobody appreciated nature better than he did.. I too have a strong, hypnotic attraction, attachment with nature.. with her "holy plans"... with her power to create positivity and make things happen..

At least I have experienced it.. and I bet, if you really commune with nature, you would experience that too...

XXX

(August 28, 2:08pm)

Talybont North, where I have put up for now in Cardiff, UK, is good... It's like what you have imagined while reading those 19th century great literary works centred around Victorian England...

Specially the country sides...

I believe the country sides of England is the best place in the world to live in... Developed... but it's scenic beauty not undone by development..

Will I ever have a farmhouse here.. Living like a recluse.. around meadows.. and mountains.. and water springs... Watching God's craftsmanship through them, and without any civilisation to barricade!

And writing...

You know na, how much i love writing.. Soon I'd be doing that too.. I have everything planned up for my novel..

Only i need to write and give blood and flesh to my characters... Salim's mother.. and the other girl, who would have at least three names!

XXX

(Aug 25: 8:40pm)

Leaving India tonight... Flight to London at 4:10 am... At uncle's place in Kudghat, Kolkata... Cousin will drive me to Dum Dum post midnight!

Will keep you updated..

XXX

(Aug 22, 6:57pm)

Leaving for Kolkata tonight..

Everything is done, only the luggage needs to be assembled.. and that is one department I really am rather bad..

When I was leaving for ACJ, mumma wanted me to do that myself.. and I couldn't stuff in half the luggage, when she decided to one more time do it for me..

XXX

In Kashmir again, while I was coming back, my friend who hosted me offered to help me seeing how clumsy I could be..

On other ocassions, I do, do it myself.. with the outcome that I end up carrying extra-large travel bags even for a two-day journey with handful of luggage..

XXX

I need to lock all the cupboards and wardrobes.. I have jumbled up all keys into a pile, there at the cabinet... Need to try it into the locks one by one, and sort ..

Which all dresses do I take?

Should I take some winter wear too?
Will it be cold there in October? In Cardiff, Wales?

XXX

(Aug 21, 5:57pm)

Hi!

Over there, in the Holy Ganges, only one boats rows.... Quite at the other end... and hence not distinguishable...

Don't you think nature often has her ways of telling things?

Through her bounties, through her curses... through standstill elements like some bed of unbending rocks, or through rhythm, like in streams falling down from mountains!

XXX

How this one boat, this simple view of one boat in a serene river, evokes penetrating thoughts..

Have you wondered, this boat could be Nature's way of telling us, 'alone is enough'?

That alone is not lost!

That alone too could sustain.. and fight... and move..
And ultimately be a doer of action!

XXX

It so happened that my visa was refused last time.. Because I had not given them any intimation about my source of money, though I had shown them I had enough money...

Sashi sir helped immensely... Mr sashi Kumar of ACJ..

And thankfully my second application was successful today... I leave for Kolkata tomorrow night... And from there to London on Monday 4:10am!

Finally!

XXX

I am excited... It is 31 years since anybody from my family (by which I mean my mom and her immediate maternal blood relatives) is going abroad...

In the 1970s and early 1980s my mom, dad, mom's siblings spent good amount of time studying abroad... Mom was in the US for couple of years..

Dad visited six countries... Even when I was very young, mom would get summer visting-lecturer offers from many universities where she had lectured earlier..

She refused them for us..

XXX

Can I refuse career for family? Can boys, can men refuse?

Probably not... A woman is gifted.. her kindness and her ability to lose things voluntarily to love her loved ones more, is unparalleled!

XXX

Oh, another boat is there.. approaching the bank where my apartment stands, from the other.. It's nearer... and hence it is making that very familiar sound..

The sound of motor mixed with the gurgling sound of the river!

XXX

Mom's balcony, with these two plants that have survived from her time, and this chaste view of the river on a breezy day like this, is the best place and times!

When I was young and mom would be very late, sometimes for work and on other times unreasonably, and when I would be very upset with the approaching darkness, I would play a game to myself..

Just to engage.. and keep off disturbing thoughts regarding mom's well-being.. Thoughts such as 'will she return?' 'Is she safe?' 'Has she left us for good to become a hermit and live in the Himalayas?'

XXX

I would choose the boat farthest at the other bank, and tell myself that mom would be home, before the boat rows in, into our bank..

That would be quite a respite.. I would have conditioned my mind that indeed by then, mom would return.. and safely.. and we would be having tea thereafter... talking..

And when that boat would do my hopes no good, I would pin in to another boat... the new 'farthest-one'.. and so on...

Before it would be too dark and all the boats would have nestled at their fixed shelters in our bank...

XXX

I would keep you updated.. Take care!

XXX