(April 21, 1:04pm)

So, what do i do with Delhi calling? Just chuck it..but thats a big offer again..and can i afford the decisions im taking??

XXX

Anyway, i guess im preoccupied with so many other things now..like my finances..there's money in waiting...but that has to come too? Right?

Otherwise whats the use..

why did the Panchayat polls had to happen only now...most of the staffs are missing...and thats delaying it more..

And on the top of it, im left with just 300 bucks..Oh God, pls speed up things...since im in no mood to slow down wth my expenses..and in any case, its too late for that..

XXX

Lets see..im going to the uni again today..hope there's good news in the anvil..

XXX

(April 17, 2:08pm)

A hectic Sunday...finalising a lot of things...even my horoscape says this is the best time to shape things and near completion..

I have noticed most of us believe the horoscopes only when they show us promise...isn't that weird..but then, that's human nature...

XXX

Okay, slaughter me for this...yes, the three of you..my perennial cheer-boys..but I have just officially declined the Times of India, Goa...over certain family considerations..but anyway...talks are on for something more meaningful...and i guess that will surely shape up..

And then, im yet not jobless...i have another very honourable offer at hand...but, since the deal is yet not done, i cant write about that more...you see like you need to be discreet at times...

and specially, im telling from experience, when i do things clandestinely they work out better..irrespective of the nature of it...in placements too, you tend to fret when lots of people know what you've been aiming at..

I guess that's the sheer pressure of expectations..when you do this secretly, nobody knows even when you lose, and may be thats what gives you that extra leverage..

XXX

So im almost through with this one..they want me to turn up to Delhi for an interview..but judging by the number of calls, and even detailed talks over price issues, and their willingness to accommodate all of that, i guess thats just gonna be perfunctory...the interview..

They are already talking about the nature of beats and all...
But then again, i have considerations at my end..and this time im really playing it slow..like i said this wont be my second innings..this will be very much a new innings, but with the zeal of a first timer...

XXX

Anyways..lets see how this one goes...i have noticed one thing over recent times...im acting pricey..and im also having the guts to turn down A rank offers over the same..like not many know i turned down the DNA in january...this year..although its another matter i wasnt really looking for a job-shift then..it a happened without planning, and i quoted a mighty sum..

and didnt relent at all...okay that was fine...but even with ToI, when i really needed the job, i stood my grounds...and eventually clinched the deal at a full 58K more than what they had offered at ACJ..

Suddenly im having a lot of pragmatism..heard Mads too is acting pricey..she wants full 5 crores per film..something which the present leading ladies too do not command..

XXX

Have the two half-wits stopped reading my posts...god lord..they were such a pain...

XXX

(April 15, 2:18pm)

Rama Navami...on the 12th..and then New year on 14th..I shouldn't be celebrating either..thats how it goes..the priest wants me to abstain unless the rituals are over totally..which takes one planetory year to complete..

But, i feel mumma's presence so strongly, and all around me, that im tempted to indulge..so what if not in tangible form? In someway, in some sense the warmth remains..compelling in its force, and just as much enduring...

XXX

So i chose something between celebrating and not-celebrating..like i watched the aarti on Durganavami..but refrained from taking it, from amongst the crowd..

Though i prayed for mumma..After a long time..I mean after a long time, to Goddess Durga..

since childhood i liked adhering to monotheist practises in polytheist faith..i'd worship this Goddess always..with all my heart, and soul, and with whatever energies possible from between man's mortal form..till i fell out with her...and found a new Goddess again..not so prominent in bengali faith..although important..

XXX

Anyway..it was nice communing with her..on one to one basis..and after all these years...never thought i'd bond so effortlessly even now..but anyway..i cannot let the thought absorb me..

I have this another Goddess now..whose pendant i wear on my neck..i had never believed in displaying religion really..but i thought a pendant would be okay..it's clandestine after all..

XXX

So i was writing sth about celebrating and not celebrating...like again on new year, i didnt order anything non-veg..or buy clothes..do i have money for that anyway>

I just got some vegetarian snacks home..and since it was seven months since mumma's passing away..i got the pooja decked up..and also her display pic, which is beside it..

Every month on the 14th, i get bunches of roses to do up that space..and rajinigandha garlands too..though this time i got marigolds..

Which tells me the crisis is neck deep..anyway..Mr M called up again..like he said he'll ring me once the audits are over..and that i didnt need to go hunting for that..

XZX

So when he told me how the audits were over, and the files now required a few signatures only...I feigned ignorance, and replied with practised surprise..

XXX

Not that i like being fake..but what would he think otherwise..i have such hankering that i disregarded him totally..or that im totally broke..

I wouldnt want him think either of that..anyway, he's handled mumma's accounts for 20 years..so he knows that already...

XXX

He doesnt want me keep fishing about at the uni offices..thats not how any of the senior professors do..and i being mumma's son, shouldnt do that way either..

Mr M has asked me to just wait..he'll sort out everything..he said since some of the money was about to come now, he could devote time for the other ones too..like the ** and other files..

XXX

He also told me not to worry..though he's usually guarded while he's talking...and treats me just the way he treated mom..but may be yesterday he thought im just a boy after all..and must be brooding about my present and past, and may be contrasting them too..he's seen mumma sign 6 digit cheques for welfares, and now he's seeing me count my hundreds and my thousands..

So may be he felt sorry, and couldnt really stop himself from comforting me..anyway..he's doing a good job..and intelligently too..but i cannot write about what all intelligent things he has done..after all the stats say i have had 327 audience from even US!!

In the last 10 months..

But that totally baflles me...all i have in the US are mumma's colleagues and old pals..who wouldnt be following blogs at least..and who anyway do not know me by my school name..

XXX

(April 11, 3:39pm)

I'd never thought, i could possibly hate weekends because the public offices remain closed then...God, the lure and want for money prevail over everything else!

Anyway, I dropped in at the uni right in the morning, and then again in the second half..the progress is brisk actually...both internal and govt audits are over, and the files now await the sanction of the authorities..

XXX

But i still entangle myself with more ambiguity than hope...it's a de-constructive technique that sustains me against despair often..like when im already saddled with gloom, im bound to reap in hope with even mundane outcomes..

It has worked for me in multiple situations...when im being hopeful on the other hand, even genuine situations turn darker for me..i cant explain that..but that happens invariably..

XXX

Anyway, lets see when the money arrives..i have just 22 hundreds now...between, assurances of the Gods..and an unsolicited offer of help from mumma's pal..lets see...i prefer and wish for the first one..which is not to demean the family friend's concern..

XXX

Today is AShtami..and then tommorow Ram Navami..id be going out with some friends for Arti..i have some really fond memories with mumma on this day..so it's better i re-live them in some way, some sense..rather than brood about what is lost..

XXX

Oh...between...the Goddess's pendant has had a balming effect..I have ordered them specially from Himalaya Rudraksha Sansthan...they have sent the Goddess's idol along with..and her footprints and a "yantra" too..i've installed them all at the pooja..

THey have sent three pendants actually..one im wearing, and the remaining two i have dedicated for mumma's well-being and peace..one across her picture..and the other one, beneath the pillow in her bed..

XXX

One ACJ friend called me up..he wants to get into The xyz publication, and he wanted me to suggest ways...it's nice to know people approach me to strategise..may be they think i could be pragmatic..and may be they also feel im accommodating...thats good to know actually...since, there have been few others who think im high-handed..just because i do not hang-out often..

That saddens me...how can you be evaluating me without even assessing me?

XXX

(April 9, 12:46pm)

Went to uni again...hoping to find out if the internal audit is complete..and the files have moved for govt audit..after which i can hope for the payment..

Mr M had told me i need not come, he'll keep me updated..but i guess im restless with most things..specially when i have only 3200 in my acc...

But i couldnt really find out anything..first there was some election duty, so most of the staffs were missing..and then there was some vandalism going on around...i guess some PU hostelers have planned to gherao the VC or something..

Anyway, i'll go on Monday again..or may be ask Mr M to find out instead..

I just hope the audits are over soon, and payments made..

XXX

(April 7, 10:59pm)

So i have only 3400 left in my account...and the sadder truth is unlike Della in the Gift of the Magi, whose only concern was to buy Jim a present, i have to run the house..

okay, mumma has an FD of over one lac...but to no avail...i cant find it.. and i dont even know the policy num to get a duplicate issued... i have a good 6 digit LIC on my name, and which i can surrender at will too..but here again, "he" has the bond papers..and im sure he's not gonna return me that in this life time..

XXX

Mr M says mumma's papers now need only two rounds of clearance..one from the university audit..and then govt audit...hmmm... im totally baffled now..i just dont feel like conjecturing, or think anything at all.. i have made all necessary household payments for the month, and i have 3400 to live on...

Thats all..

And i hope none of my anon followers are reading this..especially anon 99..anon polished..what will they think...they will most probably think im worthless...they will think im not worth a penny...it's such dehumanising...everybody weighs you on the weight of your trash...what if they too think im useless?

XXX

I cant upset myself more by brooding about it...Maa said those who believe in Sarda Devi and her husband Pramhansa Ramakrishna, their needs are always taken care of..and i believe them in even these circumstances...however naive you may think i am..i dont care...i believe them means i believe them...period..

XXX

Im wearing the Goddess's pendant these days..and its not like some inventive measure to safeguard myself again adversities..i had always wanted one..and between, yes it will surely safeguard me..

When i got the pendant ordered, i first told the goddess i'd wait till i get a gold chain..and only then wear it..the goddess likes gold...but later i thought how stupid..i can wear it with holy thread anyway...and then take a gold chain later...

XXX

So what comes first? The money?? or the grim realisation that those 3400 are over too...

XXX

Even mom's share of the land which he has usurped costs around 9 lacs..she had a third parts claim...but there's no way i can prove this..till only a fortnight before her departing, he was so pally..told me i could sell it whenever i liked, and took the third part home..

And now he even refuses to acknowledge mumma had any share..

XXX

Anyway, i have the bounty of the gods to count on, and fall back on..and i also have the mercy of sarda devi to sustain me through..

XXX

Rohan has left his laptop to me..i find it quite usable actualy..im sure if i had one, i'd had gone at least till middle of my novel by now..although i prefer a desktop..

but i guess i'll buy a lappy only..because i wouldnt have money to buy both...and i guess if i had to get one, id prefer laptop..because its portable..

Maa so many times offered me to buy one...i always refused.. im so unhandy with gadgets and gizmos after all..

XXX

(April 5, 6:42pm)

It was lovely meeting Mrs G yesterday....Mom's former princi and noted academician is a lady of sort...surprisingly sprightly for an 81-year-old, and just as much zingy and informed!

She's been one of mumma's closest pal and admirer...whenever she visited her, and which she did often, Mrs G would ask her sing or play some instrument...or just talk over theologies and other subjects...food for the intellect types mostly...identical of bongs anyway..

XXX

Her only dot lives in Ahemedabad, and since she's not the type who can confine into a small apartment in a big city, she's refused to move in with her son-in-law there..

And is alone in her 7000 sq ft mansion in New Dak Bungalow, along with a battery of servants and other staffs...she keeps herself busy with domesticity, and reads voraciously at even this age..and not the serious stuff only..quiz her with Chetan bhagat culture and im sure she'd be tops..

She misses mom miserably, and though im a just poor facsimile of hers, i have started visiting her occasionally.. and i guess she doesnt find me all that poor copy of muma...

May be thats because while on intellectual chatting sprees, i carefully pilot the talks on only literature and bit of western philosophy...while conveniently evading the volumes of other works, that she would discuss with mumma often..

XXX

Anyways, it was a nice time there...she inquired about my finances and was not very happy to learn the answers..."How could she be so careless as to not bequeath you even a house?" she sighed..she told me how she consistently tried influencing her against her mindless expenses..and of-course against playing the Samaritan always..

"Anyway whats gone is gone..." i tried pacifying her...but i guess she was too baffled about my future...okay she knows i have a job, and i can sustain things adequately..but that's it..adequately..she knows about our lineage..and hence she also knows adequate is just too trifle...she wants me to live just as elitely as mom had..and her father and grandfathers had..

XXX

She asked me about "him" too...and when i told her how "he" has left me in the lurch, and not once wished to know how i was doing, "Scounddrelll"...she almost bellowed in a gust of rage!

and then advised me how to get muma's dues and then invest them very wisely...so as to maintain myself, as well as the family name...and yes, she was mighty impressed with the ToI thing...

She proposed that i had dinner there, but i excused myself...but the tea was too good...it reminded me of mumma again..she too was very picky with her aromas and ordered them specially from elsewhere..

Anyway..it was nice seeing her...i felt at home after really long time..

XXX