Maa, I can't accept this truth. And, I will not either. I know this will hinder this grief, this poignance to abolish..

But, I don't want that abolished.. I don't want this grief to pass away.. I want to suffer...And, I want to be shattered and abolished myself, rather than overcome..

I can't imagine a life without you...The Tv in your room....the variety of handloom and other stuff, that you never needed, but which you bought neverthless....so that the petty hawkers would have their articles sold...the purses and the handbags... and the countless pairs of shoes...some of them even plastic ones, inexpensive ones...which you would buy again for reasons of philanthropy... the AC, that you used in the cool mode- despite my fuming and shouting at you...the teapot, the sugar bowl...the flask...that you kept beside the bed and made tea, watching the soaps...the assemblage of your clothes and saris and the cotton and khadi cut-pieces, with which you crowded your room and made it unkempt....me again fuming and shouting... I WANT ONLY THAT....AND ALL OF THAT..

Why maa...why?
Why so early??

Why?

And, why alone maa?
Why only you??

I can't live in this world wide and unknown...I can't...I am still four at heart, or may be still younger...How do I live, maa?

HOW?

But I know you are in heaven..With Gods and angels...No doubts, whatsoever...Be with me, always..But, I can't accept still!

Never thought that Mumma's b'de could be such disaster.....

Before the lurid sun could rise from the horizons, and spell rainbow of blessings on her, mom fell ill.... Seriously ill...and in the dead of the night...

She wasn't even able to move her fingers or call me for help...Thankfully, I woke up, though...

XXX

But, what would I do?
Get her hospitalised?

Mum would get near fatal reactions on taking allopathy, even when she were young and sturdier..At this age, she would not survive it at all...So, only I know how I managed things!

XXX

The decos, the cake, the dress- everything was a waste!

Even the menu, that I had finalised with such precision, recalling and deciding on cookings she would love, had to be cancelled...The sweets that had come already, are rotting in the kitchen!

XXX

But, so what?

It was still special in some way...It was perhaps her first B'de when I went to the Mandir and prayed for her health and happiness...and long life!

I even did "Pradikshina" seven times around the statue of Hanumanji- whom mumma worships with unfaltering faith- and chanted HIS "chalisa" thrice...

xxx

All that worked...
Mumma is miraculously cured!

And, I'm planning a family dinner again...perhaps on Sunday night..

XXX

Three days and I'm off for work...It's nostalgic..

XXX

Talking about nostalgia, I payed my teachers a visit at St Xavier's...

And Goodness,
I'm still the apple of Ms S's eyes- Miss Roy, the de facto princi at our times...

Not to forget Miss T- the super gorgeous and accomplished teacher- she remains just as affectionate....and just as stunning!

Even Hindi Miss, who joined when we were in 8th, still dotes on me like a mother....I was overwhelmed at their outpour of love and affection... the profuse outpour of love and affection!

I take all of that to Mngalore!!

XXX

Anon 99 says she/he would not write to me any more...
I'm shattered... what was my fault?

I was only trying to make sure who this well-wisher is....Okay, I might have been too sceptical in the process, but tell me.... Honestly tell me...who's to blame?

If some (could be) good friend of mine chooses to remain anonymous, don't i have the right to investigate....and find out...and respond to the good wishes??

XXX

Budget is not the word that chances upon to influence my mum...Never at all!

At a time when professors haven't been paid for months, and are being economical, mumma dumbfounds me again with her shopping spree..

She needed a suit for her bday, which is on the 6th...we had decided on buying something simple...an evening wear, suited for family occasion....but she eventually picked something so elaborate and expensive, it seemed as though I were getting married, and she was under some unbridled urge to look the most stunning mum around!

Okay, the suit was really too good...anybody would dote on that.. But how could she shell out so much?

And buy three more, when only one was needed? And buy also the sandals...the purse...the photo frame...even flowers...and a Ganesha statue too?

And couple that with what?
A crystal paper weight that she is never gonna use!

But...amid it all, there was fun... After such long time, we got to shop together..and eat out together.. And spend time....talking sweet nothings, while stranded in traffic..

Those sweet nothings fade in the corridors of time...Eventually...But before they fade, they certainly make the power of attachment go stronger!

So Anonymous 99, if you are indeed "Her" how come you always write to me in the day time, and on weekdays?

My investigation tells me, your working hours are 9 to 7, and you have your off-s on Saturdays!

how do you explain the contradictions, then??

XXX

More importantly, that Anon 99 comment- the very first one- had such words as "Grow strong", "Don't mourn", and "Pretended disdain for others" that somebody else had used for me earlier...Is this mere co-incidence?

XXX

Mom's b'de is just a couple of days away....preparations go on in swing...But, still I feel I'm only as agile in the business as our Commonwealth legions are!

I haven't ordered the cake yet....nor sweets, nor her dress... And my menu, too, is not nearly complete...

XXX

I'm going to live these ten days exuberantly... Doing all the things that I once liked to do...

reading Grimm brothers and those Gulmohar texts... that would take me on joyrides into the past...a happy past wherein I was a child, listening to these stories retold...and all of that so pleasant, and abounding in memories!

I'd be reading Nandan, too....that children's monthly...its "happily ever after" stories and its colourful "Chitrakathas" are monuments to my heart!

XXX

And I'd be stealing into the kitchen, and eating the wrong snacks at the wrong time....without any thoughts on how this might impact my health...

I want to be once more uninhibited...once more uncalculated... like the heedless child that doesn't look before he leaps!

XXX

A Child- that's what I'm going to be the next ten days...
A carefree child, a happy child!

Finally, I can look into the mirror and see not a loser's face!

I've got what I wanted...and this was important just as much for my career, as this was for my pride...which was hurt, but which I would not compromise...

All this while, people reminded me- in friendly concern- how beggars could not be choosers, and how it was impolitic on my part to let go off offers at hand..

I would not argue with them...or try to explain to them that I could emerge a winner, regardless...All the same, I had conviction in my own abilities... And, I also knew that for some men, it's just not in their blood to be beggars...they would either win the war or be slain in the effort...

Since April 12, I had wanted the ToI... and strangely, I wanted it so that I could forfeit it... for the Hindu.. That was necessary for my ego...I must have an offer from the largest selling newspaper, even though I'm looking elsewhere..

And, by Gods' abundant blessings, I could do just that...The ToI were even willing to accommodate my writing in a desk position, but since it was a new launch- for Coimbatore- they would not begin work before October end... I went for the Hindu, instead..And my ego- between- satisfied..

Perhaps, it took the Goddess four months to understand, that caprice could sometimes be a source of energy...A zealously driving energy, that constructs rather than destructs..

My ego, irrespective of the mood swings it unleashes in me, is also the most sustaining influence of my life! Suppressing that would be my own undoing!!

When I have ego, I fear it fall...and that makes me work all the harder and ensure it doesn't... Had I not this ego pressing upon my head, I would have yielded to time-trusted wisdom, that pour in from all quarters when you are dismayed...

But my ego ensured I didn't..
I waited, and I won as well!

People love me........ and then they abandon me....... Always!

I have become sceptical about everything...including my Goddess....I twice put scorn on her today, for not caring about me enough...and both time, I realised she actually cared...

But it's still not just enough...

And I'm not being too demanding, either...it's not that...she knows...

XXX

My Xavier friend, who's having engineering placements this year, tells me he got eliminated in the PI...after having cracked the entrance...and they were such good companies!

I got tensed for his future too...He assuages me saying, he's not tensed at all...And I suddenly feel, I've become unnecessarily hyper...I fret at the drop of a hat...

XXX

Like my mother's birthday is good far away...And Im already fretting what if the cake isn't delivered on time that day?

It's ridiculous..But how do I get out of it?

XXX