(Oct 5, 10:23am)

Why do I feel stagnation?

The year has been more remarkable than I could have wished for..

A splendid two months in Kashmir, followed by a whirlwind election coverage for a noted news agency..

And then the external affairs ministry.. Yeah, true... I didn't plan to stay on here for a really long time... and it's important for me to get back to print media..

But here's where a choice needs to be made.. what do I want in life? Yes, I know.. I would want to report in Kashmir, get experience, get exposure.. and then move on to the Middle East to become a full time conflict reporter..

It would demand a good amount of hard work, perseverance and at times distinct will power to overcome insecurities..

On the other hand, Delhi will be so much more comfortable.. I am among the elite group of journalists already, covering the foreign ministry and attending big events..

I can switch to a print media with a similar job portfolio.. But what five years down the line? I know I will make a mark, but will I be happy too?

Is success necessarily also content?

Will I not regret that I am not a conflict reporter, threading stories from the lives of people in faraway land, with whom human compassion and nothing else connects me?

Will I get any inspiration for my novel in Delhi, which is as loud as it is crowded? And where priorities almost completely undermine hospitality in order to survive?

I need to decide fast... In fact I asked the Goddess yesterday to decide on my behalf and to also arrange everything... while I did the Vijaya Dashami Aarti..

I told her that She always arranges everything for me... and She should do that for me yet again... and I'm sure whatever She would, would be the best..

XXX

(Oct 1, 10:54am)

No, no... I didn't stop blogging.. I was just without internet ever since I returned home last Monday.. and a bad flu taking a toll on me..

There's so much to share... When I opened the house, God, can't tell you what a mess it was...

A coat of dust had enveloped everything... and how foolish of me I hadn't even covered the furniture with plastic sheet or anything..

So there's this outline of furniture and there is this coat of dust enveloping everything.. Imagine...

XXX

I was frenzied.. I called up my Calcutta aunt.. she suggested when my maids come, I immediately put them into cleaning, and do not engage them into cooking or any other kitchen work..

Food should be home delivered, she suggested.. so that they can devote all their time to cleaning.. I wasn't consoled..

I called up my Masi, who lives half the year in Bangalore, but who has returned Patna for the Durga Pooja and who would be here next four months,.

She asked me to come over..

XXX

I washed and changed at her place... had breakfast too.. and the she planned out that since the maids would be coming only at 9:30, I should first go do whatever marketing I can for mom's yearly shradh rites, which was the next day...

It was 8am then.. So, her driver took me to the new market which is near Patna junction.. we didn't take the car to avoid traffic jams..

He dropped me in byke with all the stuff to my apartment... then the maids did a non-stop 10 hour cleaning..

Meanwhile, the caretaker got me grocery and other stuff, the cable operator came over to connect the set tops which weren't functioning... and once the maids went away at 7:30 pm, I did the rest of teh marketing..

At 9:30pm, when I returned, I cleaned the washrooms, had a bath, and then cleaned the pooja room..

Oh, imagine.. and then I didn't have any sleep.. I had to get up at 4am the enxt day to listen to Mahalaya... which a hymnic ritual, Bengalis listen over the radio religiously one day before the start of Navaratri..

XXX

The whole day was then spent in the Baatsarik or the annual shradh rituals.. and to make things more difficult for me, who had fasted all day, I got drenched in rain when I went to immerse the pooja remnants at the Ganges,,

Next one week, I am on bed... and mostly without internet connection.. as tata photon, which I use, have closed down their services in Bihar..

Between, it's Saptami today...

XXX

(Sep 21, 10:23am)

Hey, I'm catching the train to home this evening... I'll be at my river-side apartment early in the morning tomorrow..

I'm so excited... It's been six months, and I calculated even my Cardiff trip was shorter by a week..

So, this is the longest ever I have been away from home.. It adds to the impatience to be in your own city.. in your own neighbourhood..

One sore point is I'm not having my other friends coming up for Dushehra this time... some juniors are there, who have been texting me excitedly..

Anyway...

XXX

The holy Ganges must be filled with water this time around... It's been raining cats and dogs for the last one week...

How wonderful it would be when I once again sip tea reclining in the armchair in Mumma's balcony... looking at the river that flows by our apartment..

The pure, sprawling river... which is always more mood enhancing during the rains..

I'm so excited..

And, I'd be having good food too.. varieties of fish... and other items...

But I just hope it doesn't rain tomorrow... Tuesday is mom's yearly shradha... and I've to arrange everything tomorrow..

I have asked the maid and the care-taker to come at 9am sharp... It will be a long, tiring day..

XXX

(Sep 14, 11:12pm)

Four years....

XXX

(Sep 13, 6:08pm)

This piece was written in the evening, while in office, and saved in a e-notebook; copy-pasting now

XXX

The clock strikes eight past six.. It's cloudy outside but darkness is yet to settle in.. Towards east, in my home in Patna, it must be darker..

The sun sets earlier in that part of the country... 

Four years back, Shahnaz Aunty was sitting in this orange armchair in our living room.. Mumma sat in the carpet beneath it, with the tea pot and other things in the tray..

Frail, but the smile in her face suggested she would recover fast.. I thought, the day long of dripping, as the doctor had advised, was yielding result...

XXX

It was, I would know later, the last smile God bestowed to her in kindness.. perhaps to add more colors to an already lurid sky.. against a fast disappearing sun..

She served tea to Shahnaz Aunty, asking me then to offer the special chhena sweet we had ordered from Shubhraj.. I did..

They had a talk.. Slowly.. without much words, as she had not been advised to talk much..

Mumma told her I was dearest to her.. which she did after a long time.. perhaps first time ever since our relationship deteriorated following grandmom's death..

We had quarreled over her wastefulness and unsustainable charity in most of the last nine years..

XXX

Shahnaz Aunty took leave of her after the Azan was called out at six and thirty.. She said she would come back to see her the next day, after she returned from college..

She did.. In fact she cancelled her classes, and rushed to the apartment.. She stood by us in our gravest hour of grief.. 

XXX 

(Sep 6, 11:53am)

It's mom's birthday... and it's going to be a good day, as I managed to get an off..

I'm preparing the lunch now... after which I will go out to Nalli and do some Durga Pooja shopping for my aunts, who I'd be meeting in Patna later this month..

I purposely chose this day for the shopping.. It will give me some good engagement.. and later I'd go to some food joint and eat out..

XXX

I might buy something for myself too.. Let's see...

XXX

(Sep 5, 12:52pm)

It's mom's birthday tomorrow... This time, I haven't planned anything at all.. and that's second time in a row, as last year I was in Cardiff, and hence without any celebration...

But last year was better... The grand university premise and the parks which dotted it, was a respite...

It gave me space to think... to look around to the trees and cottages nestled far, far away, without any construction hindering the view.. to throw my imagination to eternity..

I think I had taken time out of college and sat in the nearby Bute Park... alone... making some silent prayers...

XXX

But what would I do tomorrow... It's Noida... and it's a monotonous work at office.. I hope it's my off tomorrow..

Probably then, it would be a better day...

I would offer some prayers in the morning... in home only... and then go to South Delhi.. I have thought of a plan... I always have plans..

Sometimes to rescue myself in a trying situation.. sometimes to let bygones be bygones and collate strength to move to the future with renewed zeal.. sometimes to just bring some new engagement in monotony..

XXX

When I visit Patna later this year, I'd be meeting my long estranged aunts... my mother's younger sister, and my mother's brother's wife...

We kind of patched up last year... which is a story... but anyway... I will be visiting them right when Dusehra would be at hands..

So I have thought of buying two saris for them..

And yes, I would be buying them at Nalli, South Extension, tomorrow.. That would be a beautiful way to engage the day.. It would give me a feeling as if I am buying them for mumma..

Then I may have lunch in some good place.. that would be a good way of spending the day.. After all, September 6 has such fond memories for me.. It can't be spent banally..

XXX

When I was young, I would save money from piggy bank... thirty rupees.. forty rupees.. sometimes fifty...

I would go to this stationary shop called Wave... not far from my home... they had beautiful birthday presents... I would buy some present for mom, besides preparing hand made birthday card..

That would be one rare occasion when mumma would let me go out alone.. In Bengali families, you don't let go your children un-escorted until they are well into the teens,..

After I returned, I would hide the present with great caution... I would think of the places to hide well in advance..

In 1996, I had gone to buy a gift... At the same shop... on the evening of Sep 5... I had bought a beautiful white duck, which had very delicate, lovely white roses and leaves stuck in its cavity..

For quite some years, it was a drawing room attraction over the show case... I don't remember when we lost it.. may be some part of it is still lying somewhere in the lobby room along with other piles of things..

It had started drizzling.. mumma was very upset, and waiting for us anxiously..

XXX

The next day my cousin and a family friend had come over when I returned from school.. Mumma went with cousin to a joint called Khana Khazana.. To collect the chinese food we had ordered for the guests..

One of the lovely things which I did was I completed all the home work in the two lunch breaks we had in school.. so that when I eventually returned home, I would have no pending work distracting the celebration..

XXX