(Aug 21, 5:57pm)

Hi!

Over there, in the Holy Ganges, only one boats rows.... Quite at the other end... and hence not distinguishable...

Don't you think nature often has her ways of telling things?

Through her bounties, through her curses... through standstill elements like some bed of unbending rocks, or through rhythm, like in streams falling down from mountains!

XXX

How this one boat, this simple view of one boat in a serene river, evokes penetrating thoughts..

Have you wondered, this boat could be Nature's way of telling us, 'alone is enough'?

That alone is not lost!

That alone too could sustain.. and fight... and move..
And ultimately be a doer of action!

XXX

It so happened that my visa was refused last time.. Because I had not given them any intimation about my source of money, though I had shown them I had enough money...

Sashi sir helped immensely... Mr sashi Kumar of ACJ..

And thankfully my second application was successful today... I leave for Kolkata tomorrow night... And from there to London on Monday 4:10am!

Finally!

XXX

I am excited... It is 31 years since anybody from my family (by which I mean my mom and her immediate maternal blood relatives) is going abroad...

In the 1970s and early 1980s my mom, dad, mom's siblings spent good amount of time studying abroad... Mom was in the US for couple of years..

Dad visited six countries... Even when I was very young, mom would get summer visting-lecturer offers from many universities where she had lectured earlier..

She refused them for us..

XXX

Can I refuse career for family? Can boys, can men refuse?

Probably not... A woman is gifted.. her kindness and her ability to lose things voluntarily to love her loved ones more, is unparalleled!

XXX

Oh, another boat is there.. approaching the bank where my apartment stands, from the other.. It's nearer... and hence it is making that very familiar sound..

The sound of motor mixed with the gurgling sound of the river!

XXX

Mom's balcony, with these two plants that have survived from her time, and this chaste view of the river on a breezy day like this, is the best place and times!

When I was young and mom would be very late, sometimes for work and on other times unreasonably, and when I would be very upset with the approaching darkness, I would play a game to myself..

Just to engage.. and keep off disturbing thoughts regarding mom's well-being.. Thoughts such as 'will she return?' 'Is she safe?' 'Has she left us for good to become a hermit and live in the Himalayas?'

XXX

I would choose the boat farthest at the other bank, and tell myself that mom would be home, before the boat rows in, into our bank..

That would be quite a respite.. I would have conditioned my mind that indeed by then, mom would return.. and safely.. and we would be having tea thereafter... talking..

And when that boat would do my hopes no good, I would pin in to another boat... the new 'farthest-one'.. and so on...

Before it would be too dark and all the boats would have nestled at their fixed shelters in our bank...

XXX

I would keep you updated.. Take care!

XXX

(18 July, 6:16am)

I am at mom’s balcony… the one adjoining her room, from where the Holy Ganges could be watched…. It flows out here and over the bank…  

As if some sudden merry thought prolonging the good feeling of a dream..

XXX

Have you noticed how we have conditioned our lives to not realize the good things around us?

I got up at 5am today, and it is such a sweet feeling to feel the breeze against your face and watch the river flow..

To watch clear outlines of boats starting from the bank and then disappear in the feeble light of the dawn, in which much of the river cannot be seen..

XXX

It reminds me of my school days, when mom was particular we slept early and woke up early…

Today men find peace in the virtual world within the net.. they have abandoned the happy feel of birds chirping around and waking you up from sleep, for the dull silence of late midnight!

XXX

I am leaving for Cardiff day after tomorrow.. Actually I am leaving for Kolkata on Saturday… 

Where the Das Guptas, our old family friends will host me, and see me off at Dum Dum airport on Wednesday dawn..

XXX

There are two plants here…  the only ones from mom’s little, make-believe garden to have survived… 

Sometimes I wonder I love them perhaps above everything else.. Perhaps I would keep them even if I had to let go everything else..

XXX

But I know I am past that age.. and hence I need to decide wisely… 

I need to weigh and compare things wisely and then prefer that wisdom over fleeting thoughts..

XXX

When you are a child, everything is simple… even your decisions…  You are at liberty to love unconditionally..

XXX

But then, I also feel I have never lost it.. the power to love unconditionally…

I never can!

XXX

Cardiff… then hopefully some human rights reporting in Kashmir for couple of months.. where I would also begin my debut novel…

XXX

I have to tell you a lot of things.. I am not buying time.. I am only flowing with the flow of time.. I can afford that now.. Because these are finally good times..

XXX

I love my house...I love mom..

All people do… But only that I love it with much the same intensity with which a child loves it loved ones!

XXX

(July 10, 7:46 am)

Good Morning!

Got up at 6 today.. after really long time... guess it's four years since I became an ex-early riser..

XXX

I have all my life woken up at 5 am, if not earlier.. Muma herself would wake up at 4, and do her meditations and yoga.. and then read...

She suggested it - in fact made sure - it happened the same way for the whole family...

XXX

Yes, I am going to do this again... it's refreshing.. nothing could be so mood- enhancing as to see a mix of colours spread out in the sky, birds leaving off for finding bread for new-borns..

XXX

My SBI silver visa somehow did not come.. the staff there says my application was declined.. would be making a fresh one today.. and hope it arrives while I am still here...

XXX

Met the lawyer and filed the contempt of court yesterday... They would send a legal notice to Patna University, for failing to clear muma's PF dues despite court orders...

XXX

Oh I met the astrologer too... I told him how the emerald had worked wonders; it's been ages since I was last depressed... I told him I could control my mind like never before..

Yes, I always have been strong willed.. but that was related much to me as student, me as a planner and executioner of things in the family domain, especially when there was predicament..

Emotionally, I was feeble...

XXX

He tells me there would not be any hassles when I come back from Cardiff and look for jobs again.. I asked him for any remedies, but he suggested there was absolutely no need for that..

You're destined to do well in studies, in job... it will all fall in place always..

XXX

Though he says my moon would not be strong after October, and for which he suggested me some Vedic poojas, which I plan to do when I come back..

XXX

My visa?

Still no news..

I am fretting already!

XXX

A Near Rainy Day

(July 7, 4:30pm)

Have marinated the chicken with sour curd, mustard oil, salt, turmeric, ginger paste, cumin seed paste and pinch of sugar... will cook at dusk...

Don't give me too much credit now, all the ingredients and else were prepared by the maid already.. :) :)

XXX

It's wonderful weather here.. A blanket of clouds stationed in the sky as it changes its hue from deep grey to blue, to sometimes once again trying to become colourless...

And then, as if  its attempt failing, you hear rain drops pattering everything outside!

XXX

Waiting for my Visa... and waiting to tell you a lot of tales... But why am I lazy?

Yes, I will tell you everything about my long absense... and my plans to become active on this blog again.. but it's all ordained up there..

When it ain't happening, you need to summon your patience more, and plan more, and look at ways to realise them more..

That's how I look at life.. You won't rust.. even when destiny forces you to frequent halts..

So long, you do not lose your spirit to work.. spirit to find solutions... spirit to never let circumstances determine how you see life or respond to life!

XXX

Have a Nice Day!

XXX

(June 25, 11:19pm)

Leaving for Kolkata tomorrow night... have appointment for Visa application on 28th.. would be staying with Omkar uncle and his family.. mom's best friend...

Have got a sari for his wife... since this is the first time I'd be putting up with the Das Guptas, since I had a job..

XXX

Will keep you updated.. Pound has shot up to 93... I had made all my budgets, assuming 1 Pound at 82 INR... need major re-adjustments.. sigh..

One problem goes, another crops in.. Is this life? Or are they too much in love with me? Problems..

XXX

(June 9, 1:20am)

I am back to home after one and a half months... of this, 15 were spent in Delhi and Chennai in the beginning, and then kind of exile.. which I will talk about only later..

Oh, there's so much to talk.. some good ones, some not... and some decisive ones.. but where do I begin..

And then, I feel kind of laid back when I am reminded that I am obliged to mix traces of truth within adequate sheets of discretion..

XXX

Anyway, I will certainly do that... before I leave finally for my studies... which I think I would have already, by this date, the next month..

Doing up the house, as it is nearly two months mess.. and more than that, doing up my mind.. by which I mean invigorating it.. as it was equally a mess in the mind too..

XXX

It's past 1 am, and I am still doing up the house.. today was spent on wardrobes... all the wardrobes which we have.. including some old ones...

which not only needed to be organised but also meticulously cleaned... after taking out the stacks of clothes stuffed perhaps hurriedly and with an obligation to stuff more than what the space could warrant..

XXX

You know what? I got those shawls of mom.. she had been looking for them for at least two winters.. but unsucessfully... it was in our second oldest Godrej almira, now stationed in one corner of the lobby room, which adjoins my bedroom..

Mom would have been so happy if I had got them for her then.. not that it was an issue of, "of-what-do-i-wear".. since she had no dearth of shawls..

But these were some of her favourites.. pure Kashmiri ones... and the other ones with intricate works... Don't know where did she order these from.. back then, when there were no malls, and in small places like my city, not too many good shops either.. at least not the ones, where you would find choicest Kashmiri shawls..

XXX

You know, I did an interesting amalgam.. I like amlgams, as they remind me of the great harmony and love which is present in nature... only that we seldom explore..

I have arranged all these shawls of hers in this new show-case cum wardrobe thing, which my carpenter had specially made for my bedroom.. In Feb, when I was redoing the house.. it's in front of my remodelled bed, and also works as the TV top..

I stacked all the shawls in this very elegantly made wardrobe,.. It will be a treasure trove of life long memories for me.. I can, sometimes when I feel such impulses, just open up the wardrobe and have a second's peep into mom's shawls..

I have always done that.. when I was a child, I would come running to mom in the kitchen.. for just about a second's break from play.. with the other boys outside..

XXX

Talking about the amalgam, I have taken out my own coats and blazers from this wardrobe and hung them in the old Godrej in the lobby room... It earlier used to be our main almira.. when we were younger..

Back in the 90s.. right there, where now my suits are hung, mom would use that space for her everyday wear saris..

XXX

Good night!

I will try to blog more often... just preparing my mind for that.. as the last one and a half months weren't easy... but as Roha* says, since the outcome is positive, I have no right to sulk..

My Kolkata cousin, who stood by me in good stead these six weeks, tells me the same..

But are positive outcomes, reason enough to rejoice? And can you rejoice when all the negative developments, before the final outcome cropped out, have strained you beyond your capacities to endure?

XXX

(June 1, 7:57pm)

Hi..

How are you all doing?

XXX

Okay, I wouldn't explain this time, why the long silence from my side.. Of-course, I was distraught.. and in trouble..

And, like always, under obligation to do well in my career and in studies despite these troubles.. which leaves you too exhausted to do anything creative.. and sometimes even that what soothes you..

This blog is both my creativity and my idea of calming down.. share.. and feel relieved.. but sometimes not..

XXX

Anyway.. a couple of days more may be.. and God willing, I'd be writing regularly once again..

XXX