(May 10, 8:06pm)

When marbles spin out from the jar,
is it possible you gathered them?

And why is it so important that you gathered them?

Is it attraction...
or the rule of possession?

XXX

Why can't you watch them mottle the floor in every direction...
and race into distances from where nothing can be seen?

XXX

(May 8, 9:59pm)

I thought I was the most unhappy child, when, in those many years of long, silent afternoons, I would wait for mom to return..

Standing quietly by the seventh floor window, and checking out impulsively at every car, auto, or rickshaw that snailed towards us in the road below.. hoping it would stop and muma would come out..

XXX

And when she would not, look at the vehicle disappear from view... and then the sky, which, in those many odd hours, would have changed its hue from blue to red and fiery orange, and then an envelope of dark grey...

XXX

In retrospect, I think mom intuitively prepared me to handle loneliness.. Had she been any other mother (though in so many ways she was), always available and unreasonably doting, it would be difficult to handle whatever it is now...

XXX

Between he never bothered to call back.. I think he's happy having put the blame on me rather than correct his own indifference and reach out to me..

XXX

(May 6, 8:37pm)

It's yet another day but he didn't call.. In fact last night while he was online on G-talk, I actually switched from offline to available mode, hoping he would start a chat and apologise.. surprisingly he didn't..

XXX

But what was more surprising happened today.. sometime in the afternoon, after lunch, when I once again turned visible, seeing him online..

Instead of regretting his earlier indifference or making any effort to soothe me, he dropped a curt chat which read, "You have disappointed me now. No need to talk and call me."

XXX

How can he say that?
It's just like inversing the truth upside down!

Or, was it actually me who had been rude all along?

XXX

Between, it's Buddha Poornima today, and hence 'happy birthday' time for my laptop.. I had bought this Compaq Del product on the same occasion last year, although it was not the same day in English calendar..

XXX

(May 5, 4:39pm)

He called again.. at about midnight yesterday.. but I purposely didn't take the call.. Why should I, in just two attempts?

And then there was also a gap of two days between the two attempts... I can't respond favourably to such inconsistent attempts at the first place..

XXX

He should call me at least 10-12 times.. and regularly over a few days.. And besides that, though I have unfriended him on FB, he should send a fresh request and beg with me to accept it..

XXX

Only then I can consider.. nothing less.. And yes, it is not about a fragile ego... I don't have one.. It's about sensitivity... your understanding of it and your responses to it..

XXX

(May 5, 12:16am)

Are people who build a world of happy illusions foolish?

XXX

May be they never had their share of gratifying reality, and these illusions, which realists so deride, help them keep away gloom...

Why judge them so harshly then?

XXX

(May 4, 12:10am)

He didn't call... I waited all day, but he didn't.. Not that I wasn't into other chores.. there's so much on home and work front to keep me occupied.. but then, i really was waiting..

It seems he had called just casually yesterday.. may be in order to say, engage his spare time.. anyway.. it's okay.. at the first place, it was he who was rude.. so why I feeling bad?

XXX

May be at the loss of friend.. one who counted me as brother.. but then, that invariably happens with me.. If I can't habituate to it, it's my fault..

XXX

(May 3, 12:47am)

He called me thrice today..
What does that suggest?

Has he realised his indifference and seeks forgiveness?

XXX

Can't tell... since I didn't take the calls at the first place.. I wanted to, but I didnt... thinking this would give the impression I can be easily won over..

Frankly, i don't want him to say sorry.. I respect him a lot.. He is my elder bro.. I will never make him bow down, or reduce his prestige.. All I want is, he should know i too feel hurt by his hot-headed behaviour at times..

XXX

Between, when did he realise I have unfriended him? Im asking because if he realised only today, and then frantically called up today itself, it's good indication..

It suggests my judgement may be wrong, and that his rude behaviour was probably inadvertent..That he too cares for me as a brother..

XXX

Anyway, i haven't yet decided whether and when i would take his call.. may be I will make him call 10 more times, and then take it..

I don't know..

XXX

I used to do this with mumma too.. though this is childish....

I am so happy that the Goddess has given me such a doting Kashmiri brother.. When he is around, I feel I am no more an orphan.. But wait, I have to be very strict with him.. I will not show any affection.. I will in fact hurt him.. So that he would know, how it feels!

XXX