I went to KSRTC again...hoping to book the bus this time surely..luckily the agent understood Hindi fairly well, and he was not nearly as stupid like this other man that day...but, smart people act smart too...he just wouldn't bargain..

XXX

Tomorrow, ill try luck at Lal Bagh..
heard they are less pricey.

XXX

Once again Xavier friends are helping me out...in this "re-arrangement"...which is like a must, if i have to restore faith and hope again..lets see...the ACJ girl is trying her best too...

XXX

Im totally broke...my salary is released, but not credited yet..seems the bank just isn't wanting to activate my account..

can you imagine i've only 300Rs to spare?
and that too borrowed stuff...

XXX

Should i change the colour of my blog?

The Gods can be unbelievably kind sometimes.
(ain't they supposed to be always?)

After i thought i had squandered the day, happiness befell me, like magically...Firstly, since i got reminded of it before twilight, i cud at least have dinner outside...and second, my cook surprised me with delicious carrot halva...which he had prepared unsolicited.

During day-time again, though i dint really remember it was December 16th, i had been unwinding at City Centre and Ihad taken my day off too...

XXX

Hope they are just as generous otherwise too!

XXX

Im having hell of a time arranging the bus for Nishat Sir..he's cumin to Mangalore for the depri tour...n i gotta fix accomodation n all...

so today i meet this idiot..

"4 Jan ko station se pick up karna hai aur Laila tak jaana hai?"
"ho sakega?"
"pura bus chahiye."

I ask him only after finding out he follows Hindi, and his agency give buses for hire.

"Haan." He nods blankly.

"Haan?" I happily repeat to myself...believing the deal would be done...and imagining an overwhelmed Nishat Sir patting me for the good work..

"okay to apne malik se baat karao...rate wagera kya loge?" I speed it up. And thats what everydbody else does when things are shaping up.

"Kab jaana hai?" he enquires only more blankly.

"4 ko jaana hai aur 9 ko lautna hai." I obediently answer. He's my key to pleasing Nishat sir..and anyways, id genuinely like to help him out too..

"Haan."

"Sui atak gayi hai kya," I chewed the words and composed myself again, "Haan, to baat karwao.."

"Kidhar jaana hai?"

"Bola to Laila jana hai.." My patience is slowly giving up.

"Haan."

"Haan to apne malik se baat karwao."
"Haan haan kya laga rakha hai." Im all heated up under the collar.

"Kab lautna hai?"

"4 ko station se laila jaana hai...9 ko udhar se mangalore lautna hai!" I say it all again. Louder. Less faster. And with my unblinking eyes fixed upon his.

"Haan."
This time he smiles at me too.

Bloody.
I left the place.

XXX

(December 16, 7:05 pm)

Oh shit....i forgot its 16th December..i just wasted the day...i dint do any of the things i usually do on 16th..every year...in december...okay i wudn't be celebrating this time anyway...but...at least i could have remembered the day...nyways, the night is still young...and its good that i remembered before the day was altogether gone..

(December 15, 8:15 pm)

I dreamed her again...yesterday some acjians come to make merry at my place..n while they go on a high and try out all the fun n pranks, mumma is on her own in the reading room...absorbed in a book..

I was fretting, what if she reacted..she was strict...and though she wasnt a spoil-sport, these people were really too loud..

The night before she opened the doors for me..i had just returned home...she taught me how to do the desserts...among them, her favourite jelly..

XXX

(December 15, 5:45 pm)

Facebook applications are so true!

The other day i tried the one on marriage..and the outcome was genuine actually....it read "never."

"you're too stubborn, and wouldn't find anybody to put up with your cranky self."

Ahem ahem...the first thing i did was to delete the post, of-course...im sure few girls would like to have different ideas...on FB..why deprive myself of their kindness?

XXX

But somewhere even i have begun to sense i wont get married...yesterday a my-dear school-teacher quizzes me on that...i told her marriage's not in card for next ten years..she was baffled..what's wrong with you, she asked..

XXX

Even when i thought id get married, i had planned it just as late...at 33-34...i have seen when ppl marry early, they grow old just as early too...may be they just lose the zest to dress up...do their hairs..or look immaculate...at least id not want to be such grandpa at 55?

Mumma was so youth-like at even 60...
for, she became a mother at only 40..

XXX

But, now its more than just the timing....i guess i won't find anybody at all..and then i don't see marriage as a requisite really...i mean if i marry, it has to be because i want to marry...and not because i need to marry..like you need to study, as you need the degrees..you need to work, as you need the trash to survive...

But then i'll have to find sbd i can love eternally...sbd i can renounce the world for...renounce also its ways..and much less the gifts that follow...when you toe the ways..

It has to be intense..so far i haven't loved anybody that stimulatingly i guess...except mumma and grannie..or may be madhuri dixit..

XXX

Between, i dont agree with the adjective...cranky is too harsh you see...and then..seriously...im not..

its just that im too independent...and i have a way of doing things..i like perfection...and i guess i de-prioritise everything else in order to perfectify..

may be that puts people off sometimes...and then, when you're good at your work, you're really not likely to get friends too easily..

XXX

So what do i do...no wife, alright...but no children, not alright...but how do i have children if i dont have a wife...no, no, im not inciting you for crappy humour...you see, im a right conservative..so id really not do things that i secretly condemn...

okay, i can adopt a baby..and bring it up..but then, its India..ppl wud talk crap..they will have fun...they will amuse themselves discussing my testosterone..

you know what i mean...i cant even do things that i like to do..because there's something like this society...and then there's this job...

I think ill have to re-arrange it all...but of-course the gods will have to will it first..im praying everyday...

XXX