IN CHENNAI FROM JULY 26th TO JULY 30th

Will this come?

Or, will this be another fleeting glimpse of false happiness?

That, anyway, the Goddess has to decide.

I'm no longer praying to the Goddess now. I'm confronting her, I'm questioning her. And I'm asking her to be responsive to- what even she would acknowledge is- steadfast loyalty.

She has to.
And, She will.
Eventually.

Only that she wants me to be patient in failure, a situation I hadn't hitherto handled. Because I hadn't hitherto failed. Still, I'd rather defy than yield. I've been passionate about winning all my life. And I love the way I have been. That zealous desire to succeed is what sustains my identity; there is no way i could restrain that....Reduce myself into a diffident being...into the unwarrior-like tortoise that wins not by merit of swiftness, but by the gift of, what the world calls is, "wisdom!"

I have little passion for a win as unimaginative as that. I would rather be the rabbit. And I would not sleep midway, either.

The Goddess has to discern this. She should stop forcing me into being the tortoise, when I don't want to. Who cares if that wins?

I lit diya before the Goddess today. It was not a sudden, isolated gesture, invented to win the bounty of Gods. I have been praying over the years, anyway. While in Chennai, I had put a framed picture of the Goddess in my room, which i worshipped each day.

I dont share the gen-next fixation over an unseen, unknown God, which anyway is borrowed from the Abrhamic concept of faith. Im a descendant of Manu, and I love deifying idols. And unlike what the time journalist has to say, I'll not rot in hell for believing in polytheism.

I pity such monotheists, who at the false or genuine pride of having found a "perfect" god, jibe at others' faith. Some even work to make the idea of unseen, unknown God more tempting, more fashionable. Gennext become their ready consumers.

Im not suggesting one should be necessarily a disciple of Manu. Being a disciple of Adam fulfills the purpose just as well. That's what my religion teaches me, anyway. But this acceptance has to come from other quarters too.

I'm obviously referring to those countries, where Hindu Gods are printed upon the toilet seats.

It's 13th July today... A quiet, rainy day that I spent on my 7th floor apartment.... Watching the Ganga open its bosom to the clouds.... And the fishermen peddling their boats, in awful hurry to get back to the bank..And this lazy afternoon reminding me of days now long bygone.. Vibgyor of indelible moments reappear in silent reveries! It frolics with my heart, it woos me awhile..

But Im the pining lover with only a willow in my hand..

Oh how sorely I miss ACJ!
It's one year exactly..
I'd give away anything for last year's 13th July to be back..

I liked Anonymous 99.
Liked very much indeed.

For a long time, few people had tried to understand me, feel for me, and come across, in the process, as accommodating...Somebody who is ready to be polite despite my mood-swings, my arrogance, the enigma that people say surrounds me, and for all of which, I become a bad person.

I liked him/her. Very nice person.

But a little stupid. If he/she is nice, why would he/she need to become Anonymous 99. Can't blame him, though. It's become a game, already. And people would play it, and have fun.

Leaving me to ponder, get baffled, and guess names. Is it fun for me, too?
I know not.

Is it's he? My infidel friend, who still remains a pal... Despite the infidelity.
Or she? My one time well-wisher, who ditched me for her ping-pong pal?

Look Anonymous 99.
Reveal your gender. That's the least you could do. You are nice person. Live up to that.

XXX

I leave for Delhi today. And I come back day after tommorow morning.

XXX

Life is a journey.
For some, a comfortable one. With lots of merry sojourns...loving friends..Companionship...

Others are sailors, 15th century sailors looking for undiscovered lands- a wicked monster called "fame" inciting them to pursue what they may never find...

But in an era, when Raavan becomes (screen)God, monster are ideal people to enslave ourselves to.

"Thanks a lot Anando; you are the only one who remembered.
Thanks. SKM."

This is how he replied to my b'de greetings.
I like that.
Nice.