(May 17, 1:05pm)

"Do you love me?" she had asked last year..upon this day.. hoping the few hours that had lapsed could be an expedient to reach out...

To me..who was upset..and wasnt talking..
and all that, anyway, a routine...since grandma left!

XXX

"Yesss, I do..."
"and will always!" I wanted to say..

XXX

"It's just an inertia of it"
I actually told her brusquely..

She thought I was being genuine..

XXX

Now I want her to know, I had only faked it.. I thought if i were rude, she'd mend her ways..she'd be less reckless with money..she'd be less reckless with her health..

I'll have her more at home..looking after herself...and having enough sleep.....like my aunts did..a few harsh words, and the impending thought of my stopping to like her anymore, would frighten her i thought..

and prevail upon her...

She'd magically become a clever woman of the household..pragmatic with her resources, and knowing of ways to encompass more...and living happily with her children..

Rather than pulling all of that out on others' children..
Mean but comfortable woman!

XXX