My secret society tells me a lot of ACJians follow my blog annonymously!

Strange...

Very strange!

Why do most ppl assume i'm inaccessible?
and why do they have to think if they approach me, i'll refuse their friendship?
that i'll put scorn at their proposal, and dismiss them as petty ppl, not worthy of my esteem?

why this skepticism?
why (falsely) believe i'm haughty?

These guys have all the time in the world to talk ABOUT me-
im told, they discuss my writings, they evaluate my persona, they judge my skills, and they also talk about a whole lot of other things that i could be related to.....

but they, for reasons i cannot comprehend, do not talk TO me!

Some of them even bitch.....

actually many!

infact, there's a whole gang!

There's this particular room in the girls' hostel, where this lady- her name starting with the letter C- will pick up lines from the assignments i have done in class, and imitate them to her other friends....and those lines, which have otherwise drawn accolades from the teachers, would then be greeted with jeers and catcalls!

I know it all, Miss C!

and then, this prank-mill....
the president of this maligning society is a boy- whose name begins with the same letter as mine, and who lives in the villa....
he's helped by a general secretary- a girl, whose name again starts with the letter A, and who hails from Delhi....

These two had been spoiling my name for a long time now...

During the first term, they said i was a womaniser....
infact, they got this other girl- again from Delhi, and whose name, interestingly, again begins with the letter A- who, in the middle of the class, adjusted her top with practised aplomb, and said i was embarrasing her...

such malice?
such contempt?
such heinous desire to annihilate your rivals?
and all this, at such young age?

Anyway, nobody believed it....

but ASS-iduous ppl that they are, they surprised me in the second term...
The president and the general secretary awarded me a promotion...

from a womaniser, almost overnight, i became a gay.
yeah, you heard it right....a Gay!

So many of my friends complained to me about this.... alerted me,...and incited me for revenge...

i had none!

Not because, i could not possibly hurt them... but i felt, responding to those "little things" would mean i was distracted.
i concentrated on studies, instead...

Meanwhile, the "little things" dint remain quiescent for long!

to give you the updates, im a bisexual now....
and honestly, iv little doubts, that by the time we have our convocation, i will have become a transgender....

or, who knows, may be a paedophile...

yeah, paedophile sounds really scandalous!!!
i know, they never ask me what id prefer...but still, "paedophile" would be so much more innovative!


...........................Now i must ask myself, why do i need to write all this in my blog today?

Do i want this message conveyed to them?
that im aware they spoil my name?

nah... as i already said, they are little things...i really dont care!
and then, i dont need to shield myself either...even their best buddies, who, for their sheer love for scandal, relish the nasty gossips, do not believe them really...infact, they respect me... and they value my work, too!

So, is it that my patience has given up?
am i looking forward to solace and comforting?

possibly, not...
im born to a strong woman, i must remember!

then?

may be, i just want to know.....
that why these ladies and men, who for all their love and aversion, follow my blogs, follow it secretly?

Why the mistrust?

I really want to know......

Will this wait, ordained perhaps in heaven, will be worth it?

Things are not working out....

not yet..

But, i know i'll emerge a winner, regardless....

The dour determination, which escorts a man through difficulties, and which i have not allowed failure to undermine, will see me through!

Like a monument of beauty she stood in the corridor today... Her Glamorous presence made more endearing by kindly courtesies!
Her smile was visible only intermittently,from among the crowd there...like moonbeam shafting through the trees!

"Hullo" said she....

"hi" i replied coyly... Conscious at my unkempt bearing, the outcome of the busy times! And which was more glaring in her queen-like presence... ... ...
But before we could really have a talk, work beckoned..
we excused ourselves!

I know i din't want that job....infact, i was worried what if i make it?
They will ask me to sign all of now.. And if i did, i would run out of the opportunity to making into the last one of my preferred papers...the last of the four brands in India!
They would not allow me the time to wait for its result, which i may possibly make...and here i would be, signing this little known thing, and fading into the oblivion...so what, if with 22K in hands?
it's good then, that they dint call...i cudnt have possibly avoided the lure of it..and then you need to secure yourself....who knows i might have signed...
I know that the two houses that i would like to join are yet not come...nd the other two that i dint make were never my stronger preferences...and also, i would not be happy with the other jobs that men here have got...
Im not upset...
but, the wait is disturbing... not because conviction is missing! why should i feel diffident when my fav ones havent yet arrived?
But, the very thought that others might be thinking im too among those cry-babies, who haven't made it, and who do not hope to make it either, annoys me...
By the way, why give these others so importance? why at all?
But then, you know it's human...you want to be well thought-of by others...and often you pretend to be somebody else, in order to gain that..
What a sham world!!!

That Goddess, who i so meticulously prayed, always willed it against me...
My prayers, she would not listen, forcing me instead to battle the vicissitudes of life! Though, giving me enough strength to emerge triumphant..

There came a time, however, when i refused to be a warrior in life!
Why should the trophies of fate, that so often come knocking to the most mundane of men, elude me?
Elude, until i have invested best efforts, until i have exhausted the last vistage of my energies and spirit....and until, the excitement of 'chase' has transformed into disillusions of futile wait...

I stopped worshiping her....immersed her picture, that i had so lovingly preserved- all my life- into the holy Ganga!
And never looked back....

The years rolled on, like usual...and one day, i found another Goddess.... not as prominent in the Bengali faith...although significant!

The eternal process of trust once more began.... as meticulously...as honestly...as child-like-ly! Though, this time, i was past my childhood...
but, the innocence i had retained...it was as if She was the one i had always believed in...as if there had been nobody else...no past, that cloaked a grim betrayal...

It is easy for a child to believe that Gods can work miracles...that things fall in place the way you wish...that the rains would stop when you want them to...and that, they would downpour at your will again...like crystal droplets, streaming from an angel's eyes...

As an adult, it is not...Reason creeps in into your faith like an invading enemy....and then marauds it... It wants you to believe faith is naivety...You oblige...meekly... Logic comes to crowd your space so forcefully, that there is no room for defiance...specially when defiance to reason is orthodoxy in the wise world!
So, you choose the easier way; you defy faith, instead....

I did not...i reposed my faith in this other deity...all over again..and as i already said, CHILD-LIKE-ly!

I believe, however hard it may be at times, that rains could stop or downpour as i desired...The Goddess, this "other" one, would will that!

Shouldn't this faith be rewarded?
I know it will be, eventually...

But, oh Goddess, don't make it too long...Don't test my faith...not because i cant emerge a winner...but, because i would like you to accept my faith as it is...a child's naive faith.....virgin of reasons, virgin of logic!

I know you are listening... BuT i would like to listen from you, too!!

It must have been ordained in heaven that i should not make it to the TOI group!
What else could explain, otherwise, that despite being one among the top rankers in the college, i was not even shortlisted...

Mumma was like, "enough of your jokes, now tell me the truth..You're in." Dismayed she rightfully is. How could her sonny let her down. Her gifted sonny, her successful sonny, who had hitherto not been rejected!

And, what about the family name? she must be wondering; if her sonny is not going to retain it, who else will?

The Professors will be no less bemused. After the test, one of them, who literally hopped to me, ignoring all others, was like "Hey Anando, how was it?"

Today, they will realise i have disappointed them all....

I don't grudge the way destiny unfolded its grim plans yesterday. You see i'm not the kinda boy who can finish his exam in 45 minutes; so the outcome was anticipated...

But, in a strange way, i'm thrilled...YES, thrilled!

The first ever ignominy of 'not making it' comes to me as an alien feel..
it's like discovering yet another horizon of how one can feel....
in defeat, in rejection...something i would otherwise not have known...

Thanks TOI for letting me know...It really comes as a change... Strange though it may seem!